dearrileyjacob

[dearrileyjacob]

Goodbye.

Riley, honey, I love you so much. You will always hold a piece of my heart.

This year, on the anniversary of your death, I had planned on visiting your grave and telling you this, but I found out that you aren’t in Iowa. You’re in millions of microscopic pieces of Riley, about 10 miles away.

I wish I could get past it and do it for myself, but I don’t have the heart to hold you in my arms and say these words to you. So I’m doing it this way because it’s time. It’s time for me to move forward and let you go. I hope you can find it in your kind heart to forgive me.

Our time together was amazing. I will never even begin to be able to fully thank you for teaching me how I should really be treated in a relationship. I fell in love with you so quickly because of that. I hold my memories with you so close to my heart and even on my shoulder in your tattoo. I still find myself tracing your handwriting when memories come flooding back into sight.

I don’t have the power to change what happened or bring you back or get just one more hour with you. But I do have the power to take the lessons you taught me and live my life to the fullest.

Whether you or fate or god himself sent him, Cory has been my greatest blessing since giving birth to Mackenzee. He has every bit of my heart that you did not take with you when your soul left this earth. He has gone through so much himself yet he’s still able to be my shoulder to cry on when I miss you or realize that a character in one of your favorite TV shows is JUST like you. He even came out to Ale with me to meet Zach for drinks on your birthday. His level of compassion and understanding baffles me.

As much as I will always wish we had more time together, I cannot continue living in the past. Cory and Mackenzee are my future and I need to focus on them. I will always love and care for you. I promise to drink a beer every year on your birthday in your honor. I will keep in touch with those who were close to you that care about me in the same way you did. I will learn to be okay.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being part of my life. I love you, lobster #1. 👋🏻

[dearrileyjacob]

11.12.17

I haven’t written to you in a long time and for that I’m really sorry. I still think about you everyday.

But last night you came to me in my dream. I don’t remember as much of it as I would like to, but just the fact that I got to see you and talk to you made me over the moon.

I’ll miss you a little more today because of it, but that’s okay. Thank you for coming to see me, baby. I love you so much.

[dearrileyjacob]

6.29.17

I thought of you a lot this evening at the Dirty Heads concert. I kept remembering that night we had stayed up late just listening to and singing along with YouTube. You walked in after poker as I was listening to them and were surprised to know that I liked them. Looking back, I wish I had taken videos of you singing. Your voice was beyond words. I could listen to you sing all day and all night. Singing with you was one of my favorite things we did together. All I have left of your voice is the voicemail telling me that we were okay and that you just got distracted playing your game. I was mad at you and that's why I never answered but I'm glad I didn't now because I have that to listen to when I want or need to hear your voice. I wish you could've physically been there with me at the concert tonight. I had a blast but it would've been even better with you. I've been missing you and thinking about you a lot lately babe. Will you come visit me in a dream soon? Please? I miss you so much. I have been feeling guilty for being so happy with Cory lately because I feel as though I'm betraying you. I know I'm not but it doesn't stop me from thinking that way. He's so amazing in so many ways and we always have fun together and Kenz loves him and so do I. But that doesn't mean that we don't love you. There will always be a special place in my heart reserved just for you Riley Jacob Oberhart. Say hi to your dad for me. I sent his Facebook page a Father's Day message. I love you guys both so much. Xoxo Kourtnee

[dearrileyjacob]

Missing you a lot today. Tell your dad I said happy Father's Day. I love you both.

[dearrileyjacob]

5.26.17

I lost you and now I'm losing my best friend. Feels like I've already lost her. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what I did. All I did was try to help her. She just kept pushing me away. I feel like I don't even know who she is anymore. I'm ready for this year to be over. Feels like no matter how hard I try I just can't win or I'm not enough. How do I fix it all? I just wanna be happy and be able to enjoy life and the people I have in it. My own father won't say more than 2 words to me anymore. He can hardly even stand to look at me. I don't even remember the last time he told me he loves me. Hell, maybe he doesn't anymore. I've screwed up enough in life, I probably wouldn't love me either if I were him. At least Mackenzee actually went to sleep tonight. I won't hold my breath that it sticks all night but this is a start. I just need a vacation from life for a while. I miss you. Xoxo Kourtnee 💖

[dearrileyjacob]

5.23.17

I've decided that I'm going to write to you every night that Cory isn't here. Much like with you, I struggle to relax when he's not here. I snuggle with his pillow and sweatshirt and use his blanket but I'd still rather have him here. I take my PBIII assessment next Wednesday! (Send me some confidence plz. Imma need it. Though idk how sleep works up there but I'm pretty sure you won't be awake when I take it anyway but STILL). If I pass it means another raise and I'll be that much closer to ABM. I sent an email to my team this morning about where our numbers are at for the month and Di sent it to the COO and the VP of Ops. And the COO said it was great and an "excellent demonstration of leadership." I was beaming. I've made over $500 in incentive this month!!! I can't wait for that check. 🤑 I'm on season 9 of FRIENDS!! Cory watches it with me every night as we are going to sleep 😊 I'm SO close to finishing!! I planted some flowers out on the patio. It looks really cute out there and it makes me happy. I hung up the bird houses Cory and I painted on one side and a cute little frog wind chime on the other. And I planted some jalapeño seeds for him in a pot just on the floor out there. I need to get another "liner" thing for my last planter and a couple more pots. I bought some forget me nots for my grandma! Dad is gonna find me a patio table and chairs for out there too so we can eat outside while the weather is nice. I'm really excited. I can't wait until my flowers bloom!!! Speaking of the patio... your fat boy fell off of it when we were painting. 🙄 dumbass tripped because he's only got the three legs. He's okay though. He was actually mad at me that I carried him back upstairs. He wanted to walk around in the grass. I wish I could tell you how Suki is. But we're all blocked and can't even see pictures anymore. Shocking right??? Oh! And Cory knows Grace. How weird is that?? Mackenzee is growing up SO fast, babe. It's insane. Her little personality has grown to be quite HUGE. She's just as stubborn as I am if not worse and she's got the attitude to match it for sure. She's doing so good potty training too! Hopefully we will be done by the end of the year if not before then. You should hear her talk now. She can almost form full sentences. But she also says "fuck you" from time to time (okay a lot don't judge me) so there's that 🤷🏼‍♀️ One last thing... THE POS MIGHT BE GONE SOON!!! I have someone coming to look at it tomorrow 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻 This really helps me a lot writing to you like this. So thanks for listening even though you're forced to do so 😘 Love you always. Xoxo, Kourtnee 💖

[dearrileyjacob]

I haven’t written to you in a while. Things have been a little crazy lately. Derek left for basic on Monday. Becca has her highs and lows, about like I did after you passed away. She could use some strength and guidance from you and your dad. We’re all helping her as best we can, but we need your help too. Hell, if you can go find Uncle Wendall and Grams up there and as for their support too, I’m sure that would help SO much. She’s hanging in the best she knows how right now, but we can use all the help we can get. Amanda and Clay were forced to move out of their apartment because of a shitty situation that happened between a couple of their friends who were staying with them. They’re not a two minute walk away anymore. They're now a 45 minute drive away. I miss them already. But the good news is that Amanda got a job at a nicer restaurant where she'll be making more and she'll be happier there. Which as much as I hate to admit it, is more important than my sadness for the distance from them. It's never kept us apart before. Why should it now? I know you had something to do with my finding Cory. So thank you, babe. Thank you for sending me someone who treats me right and loves me and kenz unconditionally just like you. I finally learned my lesson. I hope you're proud of me. Cory is so amazing in so many ways. I'm falling for him quickly. And he's doing the same. After you were gone, I thought I'd never find a love like what I had with you. Yet here I am. Head over heals for a guy who treats me like a queen and helps me clean my apartment every night he stays over and makes me smoothies to help me wake up and cooks me lunch because I'm tired and stressed from trying to get things ready for a day trip. You picked me a really good one, Ri. Thank you. I love you so much Riley Jacob Oberhart. I've been missing you a lot lately. I think because of Derek being in Georgia and having limited contact with Becca. Her emotions and struggles are reminding me what it was like to lose you. Come visit me in a dream soon? I could really use a good chat with you. Xoxo Kourtnee 💖

[dearrileyjacob]

I miss you.

[dearrileyjacob]

Becca and Derek are getting married tomorrow!! I still wish so badly that you were my plus one. It's going to be so hard doing this without you. I know you'll be there in spirit but it's not the same. You and Becca and Amanda and Zach and whoever else should all be helping you plan and scheme how you're going to propose to me... Miss you and love you always. Wish you were still here. I know you'd love my dress. Say hi to your dad for me and tell him I miss him too. Xoxo, Kourtnee 💖

[dearrileyjacob]

Chandler and Monica just got married. Rachel is pregnant. Oh my god. I'm on season 8 now, baby. Aren't you so proud?

[dearrileyjacob]

Went on my first run tonight since the night we met in person for the first time. 1 big lap and 2 smaller ones. I didn't stop either. Every time I wanted to all I had to do was think of you and I kept going. Missing you everyday, lobster. I love you.

[dearrileyjacob]

Today was your mom’s birthday. I made sure to text her. I hope you went to visit her. You and your dad both. I’d like to think that if the accident had never happened, we all would’ve gone out to dinner together to celebrate. You came to me in a dream again last night. It was strange and confusing but I got to hear your voice again. And hear you say you love me. I just read an article about the guy I should wait for. You were everything that article described and more. I don’t think I could be more grateful that we both swiped right. I fell so deeply in love with you so quickly and I was happier than I’d ever been before. I didn’t know that a fire that strong could burn inside me until I met you. You saved me. Showed me and gave me the happiness I never thought I deserved. You never once took my weaknesses or flaws and shoved them right back in my face. Instead, you embraced them with open arms. Talked me through my breakdowns. Gave me your company and soothing touch when I needed it most. Now I lay here clutching your jacket to my chest wishing it was still drenched in your scent. The monster of loneliness is worse at night when I should be awaiting your hug and roll or falling asleep to your stream. “KirraKima just went live!” doesn’t pop up in my notifications anymore, though. And you can’t trade me jackets that smell more like you before you go home for a few days. My heart will always be yours. Please take good care of it until we meet again. Xoxo, Kourtnee

[dearrileyjacob]

Happy Valentine's Day, baby. Today would've been our first together. I know you would have planned something to surprise me, too. Clay and Amanda surprised me and kenz with gifts. They even brought their fur babies over. I wish you could've been here too. I can't believe it's been a month. It feels like so much longer since you came home with an extra full belly, ready for bed. We tried introducing the cats to Suki so we could all sleep together, but the cats weren't having it so Suk just slept at my feet instead. I miss you so much. I miss your hugs. Your kisses. You playing with my hair as I fall asleep. You always wanting me to be the big spoon. Your hug and rolls. Your grumpy self when I woke you up in the mornings and hiding yourself under the covers and peaking one eye out to see if I was still there. I wish we hadn't slept in that last morning together. I wish we had got our lazy butts out of bed and cooked breakfast together like we planned. Having breakfast with you and kenz was so special to me. You'd get the coffee going while I cooked and set the table. I miss it all. I'd give anything for a do over of that last morning. If kiss you a little longer, hold you a little closer, try harder to make you stay at the apartment until I got home from work for one last goodbye. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you or think or talk about you. I'm getting my first tattoo for you this weekend. You'll love the second one better, but this one is a little more important to me. I love you, babe. Forever and ever amen. Xoxo, Kourtnee 💖

[dearrileyjacob]

I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the tourney today, babe. I know you understand and you're not upset with me about it, but I still wish more than anything I could have gone and learned to play with Macy. Maybe she can still teach me though. I wish you could have taught me yourself. Big Riley called me to invite me to Yardline afterwards. I couldn't go there either but it filled my heart for him to reach out to me and invite me. I miss you so much. I want you back. Everything is so much harder without you. I Snapchat Mace everyday. Please come visit me in a dream soon.... I need to see you. I need to hear your voice. I still have my voicemail you left me but it's not the same. I love you. Xoxo, Kourtnee 💖

[dearrileyjacob]

Mackenzee couldn’t go to bed tonight without one of her Liley’s shirts. She misses you so much, babe. Not a day that goes by that she doesn’t ask for you and Suk both. 💞

[dearrileyjacob]

I miss singing with you and listening to you sing. I still remember that night we stayed up late listening to music on YouTube together and you rapped an entire Macklemore song for me. You wouldn’t let me look at you while you did it so you hid your face behind me like an ostrich. That time “Let Me Love You” was playing when Chunks wouldn’t let you love her. That time we danced in my bathroom before a shower together to “Kiss You Slow.” When you screamed for me to the Punk Goes Pop version of “Blank Space” on the way to meet your parents for the first time. “Here’s something you don’t know about me.” That time I found out you have the entire Frozen soundtrack on your phone and know every. Single. God. Damn. Line. in “Let it Go.” That night you tried to teach me how to salsa in my living room and I failed epically but you never gave up on me, just switched it to a waltz instead. I hate signing in front of people but I loved singing along to the radio with you. Even if it was some stupid country song and you cringed the whole duration of it.

I miss every single bit of it. But not nearly as much as I miss you.

Xoxo, Kourtnee 💖

[dearrileyjacob]

I’m on season 2 episode 13 of Friends. I started on episode 1 this evening and haven’t missed the clap yet. But I wish you were here to criticize me for not getting it spot on (cause we all know you were way more accurate than me). I miss my nightly hug and rolls. You’ll always be my lobster, baby. Missing you always.