dearsunrise12

[dearsunrise12]

Growing up with ITZY

I was supposed to write another piece tonight but I feel like I should seal these feelings I brought home from the MOA Arena first.

Frankly, the concert was underwhelming, but let’s not dwell into that yet.

I had an amazing time with my cousin even though it took us roughly 4 hours to get to the venue. Although the bus ride gave me a chance to doze off and probably had one of the best travel naps I’ve ever had. The moment I opened my eyes though, a long ominous strike of lightning flashed in the sky (Thank you, Len for giving me the window seat.) It’s no surprise that rain will greet us at dawn, I was prepared for that. What took me by surprise was one of the worst traffic jams I ever experienced in Manila, that even the 4 hour allowance we had for travel-time was almost fully consumed. As I was staring at the static private and public vehicle on Taft Avenue, I once again felt thankful that I don’t have to surge those streets as often as before. Even those moments that made me reminisce of how my commute was, always leaves me with a distaste feeling. It’s uninviting, yet somehow still lingers in me because of the destinations it took me. 

Oh, you traveled while there’s a horrible storm? Don’t worry, you’re a media staff for the Manila International Book Fair and you get to meet all these amazing people! But! You’ll have to go through this hell of a commute again to go home and rest. But! Isn’t it fulfilling?

It’s like an unhealthy push-and-pull relationship that I ultimately had to let go of. Even now, that is still the same cycle of thoughts whenever I see the MOA Globe.

We had to run to get to the venue on time. We only have 9 minutes left before the show starts and we still need to go to the restroom, ride at least three escalators, and apparently, climb a couple  sets of stairs to get to the General Admission section. Why didn’t they put an escalator for the last floor of the arena? Maybe they wanted to make us feel poor because we can’t afford a closer tier? Haha or maybe it has something to do with safety? Anyway, it did not help that we’re desperate to go take a wee. Allen did, but me for some reason, realized that wait a minute, I don’t have to go I’m just really paranoid. And funny enough I did not pee until it was time for bed later that night. 

We had the worst seats that even the once at the very top of General Admission had a better view than ours. I blame Tiktok. People were saying don’t get the first row because the barricade will block you! WRONG. The first row peeps were fine! It’s us on ROW B that suffered the block of the barricade. I had to take a moment to make that situation somewhat laughable rather than annoying because I wasn’t gonna let some stupid piece of metal ruin our night. I kept changing my sitting position to get a good view of the main and extended stage but it only ended up as if I was trying to sneak a peak to some random house’s window. Kinda like the story my mom told me from when they were kids and they would peek to their neighbor’s half closed window to watch TV. That thought made me laugh so I shared it with Allen. We were pretty cool about it. At least, we tried to. Were we gaslighting ourselves into turning this horrible view into somewhat silly situation? Yes. We’ll remember this, SM.

The concert started off with us roaring with excitement. And while I was overjoyed that me and Allen got to see these girls again, I took a minute to check in myself, because there’s something off. Something foreign in this kind of setting, given that I once had a panic attack at a concert.

But this one feels a lot like indifference.

Didn’t I say that the concert was underwhelming? First I thought it was because I didn’t know much of the songs they sang in the first part. Then I thought, oh, Lia is not here so maybe it’s because she mostly carried the interactions with fans. I started to miss Lia, also Allen would point out whenever it's Lia’s part and another member would sing it. Maybe that’s another one, that they had to rearrange most of the choreo and line distributions to make it feel kind of weird. 

I kept digging for possible reasons that might’ve caused the building indifference. And of course, the barricade blocking the view is no help. It was when they started their ments, and singing familiar songs that I get to let loose a bit and let the feelings flow until I finally reached the conclusion to why I’m not as hyped as before.

Before, I was waiting to be part of this kind of moment; concerts, book fairs, events that grant me media passes. Now, I see it as these events are the ones taking its part in my life.

It was a brief second, or maybe less, that that thought entered my mind and washed out all the worries that I might just be becoming a boring adult who can’t even have a good time. It’s that change of perspective that made me calmer, and heck, even made me mindful of the way I cheered rather than just mindlessly screaming. So yeah, maybe a bit of it is me becoming a boring adult, but innately, and since I shared this with Allen who I know adores ITZY a ton, I am overjoyed.

The rest of the show was an easy watch after that self discovery. I even developed a strategy on how to get a good view despite the barricades. I have to say, I underestimated Gen Ad. If we were on Row C or D, the view would’ve been fantastic despite the distance. It’s not as bad at all as what I remember. Their faces onstage are not that clear but visible nonetheless. We would even wave hello whenever the girls wave at our section, and pose at the group photos as if we could really be seen in those snaps.

I particularly enjoyed the set of songs they performed with Not Shy. It even brought back a whirlwind of memories when I heard that song for the first time back in 2020, when the world was in despair because of COVID, while I was suffering from a different type of pain (let this be a reminder for a future blog subject.) I was so different back then  I said under my breath. Then that made another lightbulb turn on in my head. These girls must’ve changed a lot, too, since the Not Shy era. That sent a rush to my spine, while Yuna was giving her ment, that it almost made me shed a tear with her. Yuna, especially, changed a lot. Her growth very much reminded me of my own. How she started as a fifteen year old and now she’s the same age as me when I got my heart broken for the first time and ultimately torn my heart and soul into a million unrecognizable pieces. I felt for her. The hardships she must’ve been through being a kid in that business. What if she went through a similar kind of hardship like I did, how she managed to stay graceful through it all. 

I remember seeing Yuna cry for the first time back in 2019. She was very carefree that she would let herself sob in front of the audience and let her members tease her and comfort her right after. I ‘ve been wondering a few eras after why she suddenly stopped being that kind of kid and started being more reserved, and sort of an angsty teenager. I guess I gotta give her the credit nobody gave me; we all go through that at a certain point of our teenage years. She mentioned in her ment that she still is too dependent on her members, but to be honest, I’m glad that she is, and more than that, I’m glad that the other doesn’t seem to mind that that’s the case. I’m happy that they got each other’s back after all these years.

For their last two songs, again, we were lucky. Because we loooove Boys Like You and DALLA DALLA so much. We danced and sang the wrong lyrics. It was one of those moments that I could really feel myself get lost to the music, and the constant sight of the girls dancing around, reminding me that this is a live show filled my heart with love and happiness. 

For the last moments of the show, I gathered all those memories and experiences that led me to ITZY; the mean clique that I cannot fathom how they were adored by many whilst having horrible attitude, the student leaders that stabbed each and everyone in the room behind their back, the superiors that used me, my stuff, and my skills as if they own me, and those professors that inspired me to stand up and choose myself for once, even if that means I need to be a bitch about it. I took a deep breath and screamed with Yeji, Ryujin, Chaeryeong, and Yuna, knowing that Lia is in everybody’s heart, I shouted, I LOVE MYSELF.

[dearsunrise12]

Writing is so easy (coming out from a slump)

Does anyone ever thought of how easy it is to write? I literally got my computer, keyboard, and endless thoughts for content: imaginary interviews, conversations with people I look up to, and confessions to my none existent therapist. I cannot fathom how I am always holding myself back. Why can't I write? As I typed that last question mark, I reached for my phone and mindless fiddle from app to app, without any specific goal. I don't want to blame mainstream media for my slump, but I gotta admit that it's a huge part of it. Sure they don't do it first handedly, but if there is no need to be constantly updated not only with personal messages and emails, but also with trends, memes, and whatever is the latest pop culture reference this week, I know I would have all those apps deleted in no time. I should know because I tried a hundred (not really) times. But all those distractions being also a part of my work, it's important that I keep them. And to be honest, I already know what I need to do to fix this problem, only that, it's the same thing that I can't achieve no matter how much determination I gather the moment I start my day: discipline.

I saw an Instagram post that illustrates determination and discipline; the former is a fire that sparks every ones in a while, and the latter is a steady, consistent flame that burns all through out the looping video. That was a huge slap in face for me. It's been a few weeks and that post still haunts me.

As someone who has a lot of solid ideas and the means to execute them, I really am a slacker. I'm not writing this to self pity, but rather to see what I am in a third person perspective. Because I know I can do it. I know I have enough time, but if I don't start immediately, that may not be the case anymore.

There is one thing I'm hoping, though. Because the discipline and the getting into it are things that is within my control; like right now, I finally gather the strength to type my thought. Yey for this. But what I'm hoping for, what I think could help me to really be awake and present everyday is a tangible inspiration. Maybe a person? A hundred million pesos? Anything that would remind me that It's all gonna be ok. Only that thing is what I call God-given. Just like the job I have now; if the stars did not align I might still be gouing through interviews now, or worse, stuck in a job I hate.

You know what people say, how everything worth having does not come easy? Well, easy is not the word if the thing that's gonna make it all worth it can only be given by an unknowable force.

With this, I am still very hopeful. And it brings me joys that I'm typing my thoughts. One tick at a time. I'll do my very best to show up more.

[dearsunrise12]

Over At Summer's Entry #1: Summer

Summer has always been a special name for me for various reasons. So when it was time to pick a name for the main character, there was no other name that came to my mind.

Somebody who came from an unknown past. But since I'm the creator I know where she came from. Summer was DONE with the city life cycle: sleep eat work repeat. Aren't we all? My bottled up frustrations in the corporate world birthed Summer (as gross as it sounds) When I was looking for inspirations for the title and the story, I came across this Kdrama called "Summerstrike" and I was so mad that I did not thought about that title first. It was so uncanny because a lot of my ideas were also in its plot (madge) So I guess I never had a single original thought in my life. But hey that won't stop me from producing this book! Pls no hshfasd Liza Weil: The heart and soul of Summer. After three of her characters dying and not having a "happily ever after", I think our girl Liza deserves a damn break. The rest of the story is a secret, but one big spoiler is that everything is well in the end. I hope Liza is doing awesome wherever she is. byebye

[dearsunrise12]

I have been sick to my stomach for days

Coming from a 4-month long unemployment made me realize hOW IMPORTANT HAVING A STABLE INCOME IS. My job hunt journey is for another story though. I've been working with this wonderful company for a little over 4 months now and everything still feels like a dream. It baffles me that I could earn a living doing silly little things that I used to do only on my free time ever since I developed the ability to work with pen and paper. As ecstatic as that makes me, of course, the little shadow of anxiety and self doubt slowly lurk at the back of my head, until it finally dominated my well-being.

It felt like I was so aware of how important this job is for me and I somehow equate it to a life and death situation [which on some level, it is] if ever I mess up even just a little. For four months, I have only just wing my way to everything. My colleagues are very lovely, however. They were so patient and even gave me assurance even if I don't ask. Their words comfort me just enough to get me through one shift. Then the next work-day, the voices are back:

"Holy shit you're doing everything wrong they must be talking about your errors behind your bank boo hoo you"

The maddening impostor syndrome shouts so loud even in my sleep that I haven't had a decent rest for weeks. A few days ago, I was even hysterically craving for random food at 4am and waking up with an infuriating stomach ache that later led to a fever. My parents thought it was because of something I ate. I couldn't bring myself to tell them that it's all because of stress.

I would say though, I've become pretty good at dealing with these negative thoughts and emotions. I could always take a break to compose myself and get back to work again, even if I have to do that a few times a day, as long as I get work done.

What's really bothering me is that I've been in such a good place (mentally) for so long. Those four months really altered a part of my brain chemistry, and not in a good way. For 3 years, the corporate job felt like a warm blanket that protects me from any adulthood challenge that may befall me. Everything was in place, although I was not as fulfilled. And I thought having a job like what I have now, I'll be able to keep all the good things I had before only this time with a sense of fulfillment. Sadly, it brought me back to a place where all of my insecurities about my skills and worth resurfaces.

I hope that by the next few blog posts, I'll be typing a happier and more progressive outcome.

For now, I'll work on pulling my shit together. Byie.

[dearsunrise12]

HC: When Wrio became a Duke he spent a great deal of effort to educate himself on classics. He read a lot, went to see plays, but eventually accidentally found a guilty pleasure in trashy cheap love novels...

Transcribed: ["Since Inazuma opened for export we have been ordering a lot of books for our library from their local publishing house" "A servant to an immortal god who i am in love with" "As a warden I have to personally inspect these materials"

"There's a huge fight at the lobby!" "They'll figure it out" "Also Monsieur Neuvillette is there watching" "But I can't just sit idle"]