deathsbestgirl - Tumblr blog

[deathsbestgirl]

I hate the “open floor plan” that everyone is obsessed with in houses now. I want nooks and crannies and bizarre floor plans. I don’t need to be able to see what someone is doing on the other side of the house. I want places to hide and lurk and dwell in the shadows. I am the beast who awaits in the labyrinth

[deathsbestgirl]

I'm in awe of how we ran historical revisionism on the civil rights movement so bad that people truly believe it was quiet self-sacrifcial non-disruptive christ-like activism that forced progress and not — like — the incredible economic pressure of boycotts and outbreaks of illegal civil disobedience

Yapping to the choir but eughhh it burns me up girl effective protests have to be loud and inconvenient for change to happen because silent cries die in the dark that's the entire pointtt

[deathsbestgirl]

When the rest of the world looks at the united states right now, we see a government who sends billions to support genocide but cannot help their own people starving on the streets.

We see a police force who won't go in to save children from school shootings, but deploy at a rapid rate to arrest peaceful protestors using their right to free speech to protest a genocide

America, you are a war mongering snake eating your own tail. You will protect and support war criminals in another country but let your own people starve and die

To the students bravely protesting now, we see your strength. We see what we saw when students protested the Vietnam War. We have faith you will prevail

[deathsbestgirl]

theres a lot wrong with the fact that every tv program is a subscription platform these days but what has really caused us to stray from the light is the absolute lack of shitty quality commercials. where's the badly filmed used car commercials? the terrible vonage phone commercials? the weird local political campaigns? we need to be humbled and forced to watch the most bonkers insane 5 minutes of advertising smack in the middle of the climax of shows again

[deathsbestgirl]

OMG the backstory behind the whole boop thing is amazing.

[deathsbestgirl]

I’ve never jived with the idea that Fox Mulder is a sex machine or, forgive the pun, a fox. I think he wants to be when he’s a young man. He studies how to be that person, approximates most of the right moves, and then the thrill is gone. He ditches more lunch dates and regular dates than he actually attends, and that plus the spooky appellation through the FBI means that through the grapevine he acquires a reputation as hard to get at best, a cad at worst. If you think about it, did he ever really see a healthy romantic relationship growing up? Sure, his parents loved one another once upon a time but there were secrets upon secrets between them both, and after Samantha was taken everything crumbled. Fox Mulder is not a stud. Fox Mulder is a mess.

[deathsbestgirl]

when the

I feel these words as if their meaning were weight being lifted from me. Knowing that you will read them and share my burden as I have come to trust no other. That you should know my heart, look into it; finding there the memory and experience that belong to you -- that are you -- is a comfort to me now as I feel the tethers loose and the prospects darken for the continuance of a journey that began not so long ago and which began again with a faith shaken and strengthened by your convictions. If not for which I might never have been so strong now as I cross to face you and look at you, in complete. Hoping that you will forgive me for not making the rest of the journey with you/...

.../I have not written to you in the last 24 hours because the treatment has weakened my spirit as well as my body. Mulder, it is difficult to describe to you the fear of facing an enemy which I can neither conquer, nor escape. Penny Northern has taken a downturn. I now look at her with the respect that can only come from one who is about to walk the same dark path. Seeing her, I can't help but see myself in a month, or a year. I pray that I have her courage to face this journey. Mulder, I feel you close. Though I know you are now pursuing your own path. For that I am grateful. More than I can ever express. I need to know that you're out there if I am ever to see through this.

hits

[deathsbestgirl]

You, pushing your body into the river, only to be left with yourself—stay.

—ocean vuong

some more ocean vuong inspired by the per manum flashbacks because the first edit is definitely not the maximum amount of pain i can inflict on everyone.

[deathsbestgirl]

June Gehringer

welcome back to another episode of “@actual-changeling, what the fuck have u done to my mind”

[deathsbestgirl]

@calimanc practically floor ceiling LOL like the size of a door 😭

one time i accidentally got a HUGE version of the i want to believe poster,,,kinda wish i kept it

[deathsbestgirl]

Just saw a post about 3 and it has been a looooong time since I watched it but I would love to know what the deal was with that. Thoughts?

oh i LOVE 3. it's a hard episode for me to watch for a lot of reasons. mulder's depression is more palpable than ever, his guilt complex & self punishing ways.

i actually made a thread on twitter of what i think are the important scenes, because i just think...people very wrongly hate this episode. the whole point is how mulder is not okay without scully, that she was endangered because of their work and he can't accept that. like this explains perfectly what he does in one breath: he screams like a madman at scully's doctor & the hospital staff, he plots revenge, he tries to quit, and ultimately, he listens to melissa & sits by her bedside urging her to wake up.

mulder barely speaks in this episode. he talks to local law enforcement, he talks to the suspect, and he talks to kristen. but there's so much of him just alone.

as kae said to me: there's no one to explain anything to

"i only need one thing" and "i don't sleep anymore"

and the reason kristen matters, beyond the fact that she's in danger & she's a victim of abuse, is she understand a him & he understands her. they are kindred spirits in a certain way.

kristen can't look in mirrors, and he can't sleep. they both feel this guilt & intense self hatred. they share loss & pain. and they may be different but those differences don't matter when they're feeling as low & lost as they are.

mulder was meant to save kristen, but she saves him. it's heartbreaking because this woman deserved a chance too. she deserved to live and have better. but she chose to stop her abusive, vampire ex the only way she knew how and save mulder. she thought he was worth saving.

in the end, he's facing his failure. holding scully's cross that he's wearing around his neck. something he has never understood about her, the only piece of her he has.

one of my favorite things about this episode is that his grief over scully is very different than his grief over samantha, as in it is not brotherly. it's painfully romantic to me. people get caught up in the fact that he sleeps with kristen while wearing scully's cross, but the whole point is he's repenting. to me, this look likes self harm. it's something he understands as punishing, but is also clinging to the only human connection he's found. the only true understanding he's felt in scully's absence. kristen is the one person who has truly seen his pain, understood scully's importance. it isn't "just" a lost love, this is something brand new to him. he's lost his friend, the only person who has stood by him & faced his grief with him, the only person who trusts him with her whole soul, the only one who hasn't hurt him (purposely, purposefully). again, something kristen understands despite seeming not to have experienced this herself. mulder shares this vulnerability with her without really sharing anything. he doesn't know how to. so yes, they do something so very human and sleep together. and immediately afterward, everything goes up in flames.

[deathsbestgirl]

honestly thinking about leonard betts and mulder telling scully she should be proud.

and m+s meet the weremonster where she is very openly loving their job and gently guiding him back to hope & belief. when he's so frustrated he doesn't care about the lives they could help — which is so unlike him and she just presses forward, solves the case so he can have his little journey. also reminds me of fire, but totally different circumstances there.

quagmire part two

@waiting-for-the-day here be nonsense

she agrees with him and she's funny.

scully is crazy. she thinks there's some non-human creature out their eating people and she just takes her little dog for a walk. she's fine, she's got her gun.

and queequeg is even worse!! these two and their no fear. this tiny little pup who should be afraid of the world goes running into the woods for a second time and this time gets EATEN. poor scully lol

but now we're getting to the best scenes, my favorites.

like when scully comes back, no queequeg in tow, mulder is still fixated as she's sitting in shock.

this man says "i'm sorry about queequeg" then rambles on about the pictures as if scully didn't just watch her dog eaten lmao and she's trying to listen to him, they still have a case & a pile of dead bodies they don't want growing but she comprehended nothing.

"i kind of faded out"

"can you drive a boat?"

(he really hated queequeg lmao)

AND HERE WE GO. the boat.

okay i love this scene soooo much. the part on the boat is so underrated.

that little line about expectation & hope, seek and ye shall find. i think mikaela already said it best:

(read the whole post: https://www.tumblr.com/waiting-for-the-day/722583454298079232/in-quagmire-after-the-boat-crashes-when-theyre)

earlier, scully played along with him talking about other sea monsters. here she's showing off some sailing skills *and* telling him a nice little anecdote about "here be monsters" — right up his ally as he's pouring over the map trying to tell her where to go.

(literally these little moments of sharing her childhood & nerdery, being his (best) friend, giving him those moments he didn't get to have as a kid, using it to bond with him, to show how she listens & cares and she's just like him really)

the jokes they make are so nerdy and it's a core part of their relationship. they both just store information in their brains in the hope they'll be able to whip it out to impress the other, or make them laugh.

~too bad we're not fishing~ ~we are fishing~

~here be monsters~ ~i have a map of nyc just like that~

and one of my favorite things about scully: when she doesn't know something, mulder must have the answers! ~what is that? what is that mulder?~ ~here be monsters, scully~ (and he does know this time, he just doesn't know what kind of monster they're actually going to find)

making jokes when their boat is about to sink with them on it. i love them. so unserious.

scully yelling mayday and mulder stopping her like honey we have to get out of here now please put on your life jacket — NO FEAR which is extra funny because she's about to give a speech about ~respect nature because it has no respect for you~

(oh the quips. "there goes our $500 deposit" and ~i say we swim~ ~swim? ...in which direction?!~)

cotr really has so much. it becomes a little breaking point for scully. at the beginning she was annoyed with mulder and she didn't understand why he was even interested in the case, and then when she sees the big blue sign she's exasperated. it also isn't a typical case he goes for. so yes, he's interested in big blue, not entirely out of the realm of possibility. but she can't figure out why, because what does this really have to do with his sister? what everything usually goes back to for him. she's been mulling this over since the episode started.

and now!! they're stuck on a rock in the middle of the lake and they have no idea if anyone heard their call & is coming. and he's still all ~that's big blue!~

scully: mulder, sometimes i just can't figure them out.

like she really really wants to understand him. she's always trying to understand him. big blue has her stumped.

and then they're interrupted by the DUCK and the humor is back

she's like ~how dare you joke about cannabalism it's real to me~

and ugh my favorite thing. mulder was too focused earlier to give space for scully losing queequeg. but he gets another opening here,. he has no idea what to do (and he really hated that dog). however there's one thing he can do and it's let her talk.

he asks why the name queequeg and she talks about moby dick and her dad and starbuck and it's so sweet & relatable (i have one cat named newspaper because my dad was always reading the paper — we had piles of them & i still have one he kept when obama became president — and another cat named saturn because he had a saturn & he loved that car & ya know, because space lol) and it's another way they open up to each other & bond & they're just best friends. this is a best friends conversation for sure. (and maybe dipping into how deep their relationship goes)

and then !!! scully has a revelation.

[scully finishes the line with him and they are both trying to impress each other here idc what anyone says. scully has that book memorized and mulder probably read it once, maybe twice and has been *waiting* to share this little tidbit with her for years!!!]

anyway. this whole conversation has been simmering. scully has been confused & frustrated, but she believes in mulder & she cares about him & she's going to follow him until they find the truth he's seeking. she's there for the journey, with all its circle & endless lines & aberrations. they've been making jokes & quips, giving each other small moments of levity to ease the tension surrounding them. all of it so they can get to the crux of it and that's what's happening on this rock.

she compares him to ahab "everything takes on a warped significance to fit your megalomaniacal cosmology" and "scully are you coming onto me?" (the way she ignores his ~flirting 90% of the time kills me, she's ~so funny) and "trying to do so will only leave you dead along with everyone else you bring with you" and god he's so serious & unserious, he can't have this conversation (which i think is something he really fears after scully's abduction, before it was just him, only he could be hurt or killed. that's not how it is now) without humor, so he talks about wanting a peg leg. "i'm not being flippant" and "and that's not flippant?"

(and nobody believes he wouldn't be hobbling around on a peg leg still doing exactly what he's doing now. the delusion that he could be content just living.)

and then farraday comes to save (ruin) the day "hope i'm not interrupting anything" how much did this man hear 🤣

they tell him about the boat sinking and when he asks, scully claims "it was my fault" instead of trying to explain to this non-believer that it was possibly big blue. god i love her.

and then the sheriff finds them, tells them about search. mulder tells him they need to search striker's cove but he doesn't listen til scully in her very judicious way says "Sheriff, Agent Mulder and I would appreciate it if you could spare two or three of your men to assist us here." and he agrees. scully's face:

and then farraday is attacked and he didn't see it (surprise surprise) and mulder is the first person to see what's attacking people and he's so sad it's an alligator which he kills (like he's soooo cute. he wants it to be big blue so bad but if it was he would have had to kill it and then he would have cried!!!)

and another underrated scene:

scully can see he's disappointed. he didn't find the big white whale he wanted, but he solved the case and saved more people from dying/attacks. she thinks he should be proud of the work he did.

scully finally gets it now. mulder wants something tangible too. he wants to keep hoping, he wants to believe. and he found hope in big blue's existence and he just wanted to experience something being real, with evidence & proof. (go read mikaela's post!! she says it perfectly)

and scully will always do everything to keep his hope & belief alive, to protect it. because it's precious. it's one of the most beautiful & special things about him. and it's this wonderful, quiet moment between two best friends who don't always get each other but they always try. they always listen. they stay by each other's side. for better or worse. the new ahab & starbuck.

(the way mulder has a natural skepticism he fights with thome & the desire to believe. i think he's afraid not to. the way scully has an innate ability to believe but it frightens her and so she fights it with skepticism)

[deathsbestgirl]

one time i accidentally got a HUGE version of the i want to believe poster,,,kinda wish i kept it

[deathsbestgirl]

quagmire part two

@waiting-for-the-day here be nonsense

she agrees with him and she's funny.

scully is crazy. she thinks there's some non-human creature out their eating people and she just takes her little dog for a walk. she's fine, she's got her gun.

and queequeg is even worse!! these two and their no fear. this tiny little pup who should be afraid of the world goes running into the woods for a second time and this time gets EATEN. poor scully lol

but now we're getting to the best scenes, my favorites.

like when scully comes back, no queequeg in tow, mulder is still fixated as she's sitting in shock.

this man says "i'm sorry about queequeg" then rambles on about the pictures as if scully didn't just watch her dog eaten lmao and she's trying to listen to him, they still have a case & a pile of dead bodies they don't want growing but she comprehended nothing.

"i kind of faded out"

"can you drive a boat?"

(he really hated queequeg lmao)

AND HERE WE GO. the boat.

okay i love this scene soooo much. the part on the boat is so underrated.

that little line about expectation & hope, seek and ye shall find. i think mikaela already said it best:

(read the whole post: https://www.tumblr.com/waiting-for-the-day/722583454298079232/in-quagmire-after-the-boat-crashes-when-theyre)

earlier, scully played along with him talking about other sea monsters. here she's showing off some sailing skills *and* telling him a nice little anecdote about "here be monsters" — right up his ally as he's pouring over the map trying to tell her where to go.

(literally these little moments of sharing her childhood & nerdery, being his (best) friend, giving him those moments he didn't get to have as a kid, using it to bond with him, to show how she listens & cares and she's just like him really)

the jokes they make are so nerdy and it's a core part of their relationship. they both just store information in their brains in the hope they'll be able to whip it out to impress the other, or make them laugh.

~too bad we're not fishing~ ~we are fishing~

~here be monsters~ ~i have a map of nyc just like that~

and one of my favorite things about scully: when she doesn't know something, mulder must have the answers! ~what is that? what is that mulder?~ ~here be monsters, scully~ (and he does know this time, he just doesn't know what kind of monster they're actually going to find)

making jokes when their boat is about to sink with them on it. i love them. so unserious.

scully yelling mayday and mulder stopping her like honey we have to get out of here now please put on your life jacket — NO FEAR which is extra funny because she's about to give a speech about ~respect nature because it has no respect for you~

(oh the quips. "there goes our $500 deposit" and ~i say we swim~ ~swim? ...in which direction?!~)

cotr really has so much. it becomes a little breaking point for scully. at the beginning she was annoyed with mulder and she didn't understand why he was even interested in the case, and then when she sees the big blue sign she's exasperated. it also isn't a typical case he goes for. so yes, he's interested in big blue, not entirely out of the realm of possibility. but she can't figure out why, because what does this really have to do with his sister? what everything usually goes back to for him. she's been mulling this over since the episode started.

and now!! they're stuck on a rock in the middle of the lake and they have no idea if anyone heard their call & is coming. and he's still all ~that's big blue!~

scully: mulder, sometimes i just can't figure them out.

like she really really wants to understand him. she's always trying to understand him. big blue has her stumped.

and then they're interrupted by the DUCK and the humor is back

she's like ~how dare you joke about cannabalism it's real to me~

and ugh my favorite thing. mulder was too focused earlier to give space for scully losing queequeg. but he gets another opening here,. he has no idea what to do (and he really hated that dog). however there's one thing he can do and it's let her talk.

he asks why the name queequeg and she talks about moby dick and her dad and starbuck and it's so sweet & relatable (i have one cat named newspaper because my dad was always reading the paper — we had piles of them & i still have one he kept when obama became president — and another cat named saturn because he had a saturn & he loved that car & ya know, because space lol) and it's another way they open up to each other & bond & they're just best friends. this is a best friends conversation for sure. (and maybe dipping into how deep their relationship goes)

and then !!! scully has a revelation.

[scully finishes the line with him and they are both trying to impress each other here idc what anyone says. scully has that book memorized and mulder probably read it once, maybe twice and has been *waiting* to share this little tidbit with her for years!!!]

anyway. this whole conversation has been simmering. scully has been confused & frustrated, but she believes in mulder & she cares about him & she's going to follow him until they find the truth he's seeking. she's there for the journey, with all its circle & endless lines & aberrations. they've been making jokes & quips, giving each other small moments of levity to ease the tension surrounding them. all of it so they can get to the crux of it and that's what's happening on this rock.

she compares him to ahab "everything takes on a warped significance to fit your megalomaniacal cosmology" and "scully are you coming onto me?" (the way she ignores his ~flirting 90% of the time kills me, she's ~so funny) and "trying to do so will only leave you dead along with everyone else you bring with you" and god he's so serious & unserious, he can't have this conversation (which i think is something he really fears after scully's abduction, before it was just him, only he could be hurt or killed. that's not how it is now) without humor, so he talks about wanting a peg leg. "i'm not being flippant" and "and that's not flippant?"

(and nobody believes he wouldn't be hobbling around on a peg leg still doing exactly what he's doing now. the delusion that he could be content just living.)

and then farraday comes to save (ruin) the day "hope i'm not interrupting anything" how much did this man hear 🤣

they tell him about the boat sinking and when he asks, scully claims "it was my fault" instead of trying to explain to this non-believer that it was possibly big blue. god i love her.

and then the sheriff finds them, tells them about search. mulder tells him they need to search striker's cove but he doesn't listen til scully in her very judicious way says "Sheriff, Agent Mulder and I would appreciate it if you could spare two or three of your men to assist us here." and he agrees. scully's face:

and then farraday is attacked and he didn't see it (surprise surprise) and mulder is the first person to see what's attacking people and he's so sad it's an alligator which he kills (like he's soooo cute. he wants it to be big blue so bad but if it was he would have had to kill it and then he would have cried!!!)

and another underrated scene:

scully can see he's disappointed. he didn't find the big white whale he wanted, but he solved the case and saved more people from dying/attacks. she thinks he should be proud of the work he did.

scully finally gets it now. mulder wants something tangible too. he wants to keep hoping, he wants to believe. and he found hope in big blue's existence and he just wanted to experience something being real, with evidence & proof. (go read mikaela's post!! she says it perfectly)

and scully will always do everything to keep his hope & belief alive, to protect it. because it's precious. it's one of the most beautiful & special things about him. and it's this wonderful, quiet moment between two best friends who don't always get each other but they always try. they always listen. they stay by each other's side. for better or worse. the new ahab & starbuck.

(the way mulder has a natural skepticism he fights with thome & the desire to believe. i think he's afraid not to. the way scully has an innate ability to believe but it frightens her and so she fights it with skepticism)

[deathsbestgirl]

i swear to all of you, the x files makes perfect sense. you just have to know where to look.

[deathsbestgirl]

Mulder sets alight in her an untamed aspect of herself that seeks expression over the more pragmatic, dogmatic and mundane trappings of her life. His outrageousness is her secret delight. His views and his demeanor are compelling. And she knows, deep in her heart, that he alone has the ability to strip away her cool faade and see into her fiery soul, to separate her from her most deeply held notions regarding self-sufficiency and bind her to him.

Twice-Told Tale by Audrey Roget & Blackwood

[deathsbestgirl]

While where on the Diana topic, csm’s kinda Freud-esque obsession with the women his son dates needs to be studied. Like, why are u so obsessed with Diana as one of your key players, why were u so weird around Scully in en ami,, idk, the vibes are off

LMFAO you're so right anon, the vibes are off.

diana in general was always strangely oedipal, honestly. she was older than mulder, assumedly already established when he was just out of school. she's evocative of his mother in many ways, a connection with CSM not the most prominent.

she calls him "fox" like its an insult, like she has something to prove.

diana always has the same feel to her as that moment in demons when mulder's mom hits him, and then looks at him and says "you're bleeding, fox" before walking away. as though to say, clean up, we have company.

i think diana has that quality to her, that woman who "has her reasons."

i think there are a lot of reasons why mulder didn't flinch in that room with his mother, why when diana came back he smiled and held her hand. i think a lot of those reasons are the same.

CSM is a person who is so obsessed with youth, with legacy, with control; i think for him, there's something about diana that's reminiscent of the early days.

it reminds me of what he said in one son about bill mulder, "he was a good man. a friend of mine. who betrayed me in the end."

i think there's something about diana that's reminiscent of working with the mulder family. of summers out at bill and tena's place, fox and samantha playing in the yard. back when the project was just a plan, when everyone's wives and children were pictures on desks, faces at a party, not test subjects.

the two fathers/one son two-parter ends with CSM in mulder's office, commenting that bill mulder's son is honoring him, following his legacy. lamenting that no one is doing the same for him.

that's really so much of what it's about, in the end. of what he wanted.

i think he's a bitter lonely man who gets off on power, whether that's his friend's wife or his son's. who gets off on taking whatever he can.

as far as scully goes, he's obsessed with her. they even call it out in the revival, monica does.

he loves to be god. he held her life in his hands.

he's been grooming mulder to play this role in his legacy since birth, but he "created" scully too. he placed her in that office that day, and listened in on the beginning of the rest of her life. he sent her to the top of that mountain, oversaw the damage done, decided when to bring her back. he determined whether she lived or died.

in a way, it's scully, not mulder, who is his biggest legacy. mulder was born into this conspiracy, but scully was chosen. she was handpicked by him.

this is perhaps where CC's CSM = God, Mulder = Jesus, Scully = Virgin Mary thread starts to fall apart lmao, and it's definitely my biggest issue with CSM as a character. it's violating and invasive in a way that wasn't necessary.

but CSM is ultimately an author, striving to be the creator and the hero at the same time, and these women (including mulder's mom) are little more than characters for him to maneuver, in the end.