decadentbirdtyrant - Tumblr blog

[decadentbirdtyrant]

TW: suicide, depression,

I thought about suicide today. Not anything deep or intricate. Just the hypothetical situation. I think if I was going to commit suicide it would probably be with pills. Coincidentally that’s the one thing I have in abundance. But I don’t want to die. That is very obvious, just sometimes everything gets to be too much and I feel trapped and alone and that’s the only escape I can think of.

[decadentbirdtyrant]

I can’t look down the coffee table is too messy, I can’t go into any room in my house they are too messy. I can’t look at them without getting overwhelmed. How am I supposed to stop this spiral when I can’t clean because I’m too overwhelmed but I get more overwhelmed because it’s too messy.

[decadentbirdtyrant]

The woods are lovely, dark and deep 🍃🍂

[decadentbirdtyrant]

I find myself often reading fanfiction or romance manga and wishing to have something even adjacent to these characters. I know that it is fiction and highly unlikely because we don’t live in a perfect world. But that doesn’t stop the dream. All too quickly though I’ll point out all my flaws and how I would ruin this fantasy relationship and how I’m undeserving of this type of love and companionship. So I get depressed after awhile and have to stop reading them for a few months.

I don’t know what my aversion is to relationships. Could be watching my parents have a nasty divorce when I was very young and then have them bad talk each other for about a decade until they finally got along again. Also could be that my mother got remarried to a man who is always angry and when I was young they would fight all the time, now they don’t so much but I can’t tell if that is because they are doing better or if my mom has stopped fighting. Also could be my fathers aversion to long term relationships and marriage, ever since his divorce he has always been outspoken about his hatred for marriage and how he doesn’t need a relationship. Then when he is in a relationship he gives them everything and the women just walk all over him. Then again maybe it’s my own past failures. From the plethora of 1 month max relationships in high school or my one 6 month relationship in high school that ended so badly that I was crying so hard I started to hyperventilate. Maybe the fact that I wasted most of my adult life in relationships that went no where and truly came from no where.

Maybe I just don’t understand how relationships are supposed to work. May never know at the rate I’m going.

[decadentbirdtyrant]

I don’t know myself anymore. Lines I have drawn in the sand and abided to have been crossed for the first time in 10 years. Events that should scare me I am hardly phased by. The loss of anxiety makes room for more apathy. I am much more vocal and blunt then I have ever been before. Is this new me because of my meds or my hypomania?

[decadentbirdtyrant]

[decadentbirdtyrant]

[decadentbirdtyrant]

[decadentbirdtyrant]

[decadentbirdtyrant]

[decadentbirdtyrant]

[decadentbirdtyrant]

[decadentbirdtyrant]

NANA, Ai Yazawa

[decadentbirdtyrant]

[decadentbirdtyrant]

[decadentbirdtyrant]

[decadentbirdtyrant]

i need to stop listening to new music, idk how i’m supposed incorporate all of these genres into my physical appearance and establish them as part of my personality :/