decaffeinatedgirlfailure - Tumblr blog

decaffeinatedgirlfailure · 1 month ago

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You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

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giggling evilly to myself etc etc ok everyone go listen to silver springs

set in actor!reader x idol!robin au.. yes this is going in THAT direction

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There is a shot taken from one of the Penaconian Film awards that still lingers as a haunting reminder of what love can really be like. It was for the final season of Dream On, Watchmaker. Himeko goes on stage to claim an award for best acting, she is beaming, tears in her eyes as she thanks everyone who has supported her. Her eyes land on something, or someone, and she freezes for just a microsecond but composes herself again. The shot then switches over to show Kafka, sitting elegantly as always, but her face is unreadable. She smiles, a full and warm smile, and it just screams 'I am so proud of you'. But her eyes aren't able to reflect that, because her eyes show nothing. They look blank, as if trying to block her from remembering something, or someone.

This shot was aired on live TV, about six months after Kafka and Himeko announced their breakup. And to say it broke the internet would be an understatement. The amount of edits of Kafka and Himeko that circled around for the next two weeks was enough for Himeko to deactivate all social media because she couldn't handle it. Truly they were never meant to be, a famous actor who revels in openly expressing who she is, and a violinist who can only express who she is through the bowing her violin on a stage. People say they were the perfect example of 'right person, wrong time', but they were never going to be right for each other. Yet it is undeniable despite being imperfect, they still loved each other.

So it is only natural that people began worrying when, during the premier of your biggest film yet, you and Robin suddenly seemed to grow distant.

"Hey, you there?" Seele nudged you gently

You snapped out of your dazed state, looking up at your personal trainer before you stood up with a nod.

"Yeah, just lost in thought." You smiled, but she clicks her tongue in a disapproving way. She doesn't poke or prod, and you really like that about Seele.

"You ready?"

You nodded again, sliding yourself under the bench and taking the barbell in your hands. The heft of the bar felt nice, and it distracted you from what you were scared to think about. Each push of the bar upwards took effort, effort that could have been spent thinking about something not worth thinking about.

"Do you even love me?"

"Why would you even begin to question that? Have I not shown you anything but love, have I not-"

"Don't start with that when you know you haven't."

"What? Do you know how hard it is to love you, do you know how much I put into this?"

"Come on, one more-"

You gasped, straining with all your might to push the bar back up and to rerack it again. It hurt, you felt all your muscles locked in place and you were convinced the bar would not move up but you kept going. Feet planted on the ground, you arched your back slightly, pushing up with all your might and slowly it began to move. Seele smiled, satisfied, as you reracked the weight with a loud sigh.

"Nice. That's a new volume PR." She typed something down in her phone as you grabbed your water bottle, taking a long swig.

"Nice." was all you could echo back.

During the red carpet of your biggest movie yet, you found yourself staring at a text on your phone that you had left on read for the past three days. Your eyes scan the text over and over again, trying to make sense of what can only be described as absolutely horrific news.

-- I'll be at the premier today, please let us be civil. I do not want to draw attention, and neither do you. --

And you can never help yourself but to also look at the text above that.

-- I'll always love you. --

It is so unfair. You put your phone down, almost unable to hold it with how badly your hands are shaking.

"You okay?" Firefly asks quietly, sitting down at the make up chair next to you. She is decked out in this beautiful silver gown with fiery orange-red streaks running through it. It is a colour scheme that should not work but matches her so well, and she looks stunning. You two got close over the course of filming, but it doesn't feel the same as what you had with Stelle. And you really need Stelle right about now.

"Yeah." You let out a breath you didn't realise you had been holding in, leaning back in your chair as they do some last minute touches on your make up.

Firefly doesn't say anything, picking at bits of her dress instead. She knows that you're not worried about the premier, and it isn't that. It is the artist that will show up. Nobody has told you, and they spent hours behind the scenes arguing about if they should when you had already known from the start.

"It's only a few hours."

"Yeah."

Seele had shot you a text congratulating you on your hard work. Your stunt coordinator messaged you saying you should be proud. A new notification pops up as Stelle texts you saying she wishes she could be there. All you can focus on is the pinned person and the text they sent.

"Do you think we can work through this?"

"Of course, we always have."

"I'm sorry for what I said, I really really didn't mean it."

"I know baby. I know."

When you stepped onto the red carpet, it took everything in you to not shield your eyes from the bright flashing lights from a camera as you walked to an empty spot. At this point, this is all second nature. You sort of turn off your brain, shooting practiced smiles and posing for cameras. You move on auto pilot, your brain not registering anything or anyone until you feel someone come up next to you. For a second, you let yourself stay curious about who it is, even though you already know. You let yourself dream that it is someone else, even though you already know.

"Come on, they're all over there." Firefly takes your hand, leading you to the rest of the cast.

Boothill wraps an arm around you, pulling you in close with a booming laugh.

"C'mon now, can't have you look so down when it's the premiere of your film, eh?" He says with his typical snarky grin, but you can see the worry behind his eyes. He has never been good at expressing his emotions, but he is trying now. He is trying for you, because he cares for you.

"Sorry, sorry." You say with a laugh "Something just came up right before."

A concerned glint flashes in his eyes for just a second as his smile dropped slightly, but he quickly composes himself again to slap you on the back.

"Well, we can sort it out after, okay, baby?"

You just nod, leaning into his touch because you can't cry now.

"I wanna get out of here."

"It's late-"

"Please?"

"Fine. Meet me outside in ten."

"I love you."

When a loud cheer suddenly comes from one end of the red carpet, you know who has stepped on. When cameras suddenly started flashing much more frequently, and girls started screaming, you know who has stepped on. The cast dissipates to talk to interviewers, and Firefly keeps her hand on your waist.

"Don't look in that direction." She gives you a slight nudge, leading you to talk to Topaz for another interview. But you couldn't stop yourself. You glance over your shoulder, and everything stops because she is looking at you too. This lasted maybe a second, maybe half a second. Your eyes meet through the sea of people and instead of being surprised, her eyes lose its sparkle. A dimming light, an extinguished flame. It crushes you. You look away as fast as you can, barely sparing her a second glance as you put on another smile for Topaz but you are starting to feel the exhaustion catch up to you.

Topaz asks you some pretty general questions about filming, about your cast mates, about how you feel about the project. One thing you appreciate about her is that she never pries, and never tries to. She waits for you to naturally open up, and if you don't, she will leave it at that. It is like conversing with a friend, it is simple and a change of pace from all the others who just want to know what is going on between you and her.

You think nobody caught that interaction, but everybody did. It went viral on the internet and speculations flew around. You and Robin never actually explicitly stated you were dating, but with the way you guys always hung out and always live streamed together, people began assuming. Two good friends, really good friends, really good friends who became more than just friends.

Who now become strangers.

Two years later, you find yourself at the 50th Penaconian Film awards, nominated for best supporting actress in a film that you had dedicated so much of your time and energy for. Two years later, you still find yourself unable to open your heart up like you once did. Robin stands on stage, announcing the winner for best supporting actress and for once you were praying that you would lose this because you did not want to stand on stage. You did not want to stand on stage and have to act like the woman you once knew everything about is only a stranger presenting an award to you.

This clip would break the internet. It’s the whole Kafka and Himeko situation again, but even worse. Because this time, you stand on stage, accepting an award while she stands in the back, beaming at you with tears threatening to fall because she is so proud of you but she can't tell you that. Instead, she said "Congratulations, you should be proud of yourself." She wants to hug you, she wants to hold you and sob and tell her how proud she is and how she wishes you two could rewrite your narrative. Instead, she says 'congratulations'.

The award is heavy in your hands, weighing you down because you can feel her eyes on the back of your head. The award she handed you is now pulling you down, and you stumble through your rehearsed speech that you hope the woman you loved can catch is dedicated to still loving her. But she doesn't act on it.

Your paths met briefly, a cute celebrity infatuation, and you both had to watch in horror as the path diverged once more. You, now left with the shadow of a woman you loved. Her, left with the scar of an irreplaceable love.

Five years later, you two would meet again at another stupid formal event. You would have just announced your engagement to Firefly, and Robin announced her upcoming album after winning a pretty big award for her previous one. You would catch her eye from across the room, but this time you don't look away. You smile at her this time, and she smiles back. Yet both of your smiles are forced to an extent, because you wish the smile would mean something more. She comes up to you to make small talk, and you reciprocate. You dance around what is unspoken, taking her hand in a complicated tango for two. You talk about your engagement, her album, your recent films, her boyfriend. It goes on. But you see the regret in her eyes, and she sees the regret in yours.

"Do you think things would be different if we met when we were more mature?"

The question will come out of nowhere, knocking the air out of your lungs. You had questioned that yourself during many sleepless nights, wondering if she questioned the same. You will have your answer.

"I do."

She looks away, a pained expression on her face. She is not an actor, you are. She is a singer, music designed to reach even the deepest parts of you.

"I wish- I wish we could start over."

You shake your head at that, fidgeting with the engagement ring on your left hand.

"It was seven years ago." Is all you could say.

She nods, looking down.

"I know."

When she performs later that night, she looks at you the entire performance. She sings with underlying anger, she sings with remorse and regret and TikTok would call this 'the new silver springs 1997'. The sound of her voice, the pain on her face. The offering she wants you to hold up, but you are too scared to. The fear of having made a mistake, committed to the wrong person. It all comes back to your first love. Maybe the only one who would ever truly love you.

"Do you think we would be the power couple of the century?"

"Probably, yeah. I mean, we would have a Penaconian Film best actress winner, and a hit global sensation singer. We would be THE couple."

"Only if you choose to stay with me."

"Why would I ever leave you?"

You would to cry yourself that night, sobbing in the bathroom as Firefly sleeps on the shared bed outside. You would put your hand to your mouth, stifling your sobs because being wracked with both guilt and regret simultaneously is a horrifying feeling. One you never wish to experience ever again. You live one life, and you made the wrong choice.

Robin would be silent, sitting on the floor of her mansion meant for many but now only houses her. She sits on the marbled floor with her knees pulled to her chest and eyes unfocused. She fidgets with the ring on her ring finger, the one you gave her when you were still friends falling in love. She wonders if you regret giving the ring to Firefly.

Even years later, the relationship between you and Robin would be deemed as the ultimate 'right person, wrong time'. And if having to grieve it alone wasn't enough, having the entire internet point it out all the time made it worse. Because as much as you want to deny it, you really did wish you didn't have to zone out every time her songs came on the radio. You wish you didn't spend nights staying up with your wife next to you but still scrolling through the Instagram post of a woman you loved when you were young and didn't know how to love. Time kept flowing, and you were a metal pole ground in place by regret.

"I'm sorry."

#FUCK YOU THIS BROKE ME #hsr #hsr robin #hsr stelle #made me let out such a pathetic little sob I will never recover

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