deconstructionanonymous

[deconstructionanonymous]

We Never Stood a Chance...

           In a world so connected, it can be hard to think about those who live under the radar. Let’s be honest: There are more than we think of who are disconnected from our world today. So, who am I talking about? I am talking about the conservative christian homeschooler. Not maybe your first thought so allow me to explain.

            That was me. I can see myself now at probably nine or ten wearing a plain boys' T-shirt my mom got for me because it was the only thing appropriate. For some reason, I remember that T-shirt. It was bright orange, and I loved it. I wore my jean shorts that ended just above the knee. I was clueless, but I was not innocent. That had been literally and figuratively beaten out of me, but there were some days like that day when everything felt okay. I think sometimes that’s why dressing that way was a safe place for me for so many years. The nights when I got to be a kid were rare and for some reason, that shirt stays with me.

            My dad had anger issues and my mom had enough internalized misogyny to choke a horse. In the end, none of us ever really stood a chance. My dad had given his life to Jesus as a young man, probably about my age now. I think you have to admire the irony of him becoming a christian at a similar age to me becoming an atheist. My mom followed shortly after and man did they take it to heart. I think we would have always been abused, but this just added another layer to the trauma we’d all go through.

            So let’s talk about homeschooling. I remember what other kids would say. Do you get to do school in your pajamas? You get to sleep in don’t you? Man, I wish I was homeschooled. What was the reality? I mean for a while I didn’t hate it. My mom had been a teacher and she was a good one. Until she adopted my younger siblings. Triplets. I was seven and I became a part-time mom. Feeding, changing, cleaning, and the list goes on. My schooling changed after that. I mean my mom still taught me for a while, but then it fell off and I began to work through the textbooks on my own. I can’t say I understood it all and to this day I desperately wish I had a math teacher.

            Then my mom got sick. I think she was down for about six months and I took on teaching and cleaning. My dad made it hell. The younger siblings would cry to dad about how mean we were and he would come up and scream at everyone for good measure. I remember I threw out a spider ball I found while cleaning because I didn’t know what it was and he screamed at me for fifteen minutes. I hated him. In that moment, and now if I let myself. Hated the way he made me, at twelve or thirteen, feel. He was my monster and he still is. We used to wish and pray he would just go to work. Other people came to help later, but they were an older couple and I can’t say they did much teaching, but at least when other people were there my dad didn’t scream as much.

            Hate is such an interesting word. I was never supposed to say I hate anyone because that was a sin. So, let me say it now. I hated my dad. Hated how he would yell. Hated how he preached peace and love but practiced hate and violence. Hated how he would hit, kick, shove, and abuse. I fucking hated him. Hated him so much it hurt. He taught me to suffer male violence and he taught my brothers to perpetrate violence. He truly was my monster and despite all the hate I loved him. I desperately needed his approval. I needed him to love me, but I don’t think he knew how. Do I forgive him? No forgiveness is such a bullshit christian word. I do not forgive him, but I have learned to understand him better.

            So let’s talk about christian fundamentalism. You know the religion of “peace.” Well, that’s just a wicked lie. There was never anything peaceful about our religion. Even Jesus who everyone claims to be good preached division and war. Noah’s Ark is a story about the worldwide flood often taught to children. But here’s what it is basically saying, So God decided he regretted his creation (even though he knew exactly what was going to happen) so much that he was going to send a worldwide flood to genocide everyone. Except he decided to save this one guy and his family. Then they teach this to babies. So peaceful and so loving. No wonder Christianity has been responsible for so many wars and genocides, but it doesn’t end there. Please just read Deuteronomy. The Gnostics in the early christian church talked about how the god of the old testament was the evil guy and Jesus came to preach a new way. Although I am not Jesus’s biggest fan it makes more sense than the now popular interpretation.

            What does having such a literal interpretation of the Bible mean for everyday life as a christian child. I think I'll save that for the next one, but let me tell you, it was anything but peaceful.