dedalustephen

[dedalustephen]

antidepressants work wonders bc i havent been on this blog for so long. but also i replaced this with my 0 followers priv twitter i guess. but wow thank you sertraline

[dedalustephen]

love was fleeting and forever. i enjoyed our forever while it lasted, fleetingly but it lasted, our forever. i regret nothing.

i think this time i will love with ferocity, without shame, without holding back

[dedalustephen]

he lets me love like a poet and im never letting go of this (everything)

[dedalustephen]

i will love with the fury of a thousand suns, i will love so much mouth feels dry and im out of breath, and i will make stupid long term decisions for love that could be fleeting and i will plan my future around love that could be gone tomorrow and i will love in the present and live in the present and feel real and alive and live, i will live

i think this time i will love with ferocity, without shame, without holding back

[dedalustephen]

i think this time i will love with ferocity, without shame, without holding back

[dedalustephen]

i really like* my boyfriend :))

[dedalustephen]

it's actually crazy how far i've come since the start of this blog. i started it feeling so uncomfortable in my skin i couldn't even bear with the idea of dressing up bc dressing up meant i had to pay attention to me and my body and that was unthinkable to me etc. but now!! now i love getting ready with friends before going out and i love wearing cute dresses i like and i love dressing up. i am comfortable in my own skin. and then like after that i wanted so desperately to love and to be loved. and i am! i am now!! i am loved dearly and i love so dearly and it is great and that love isn't just romantic love it's also platonic love and that's so important!!! and I've just come so far i think I'm proud of myself :') i am also procrastinating studying rn lmao fuck finals

[dedalustephen]

mental note to bring him to 下亞厘北道 if he ever does visit (and i really hope he does) and to bring him to 金魚街 so we can look at the goldfish and take polaroid pictures and film pictures and ephemereal pictures for ephemereal memories and to all the places i dreamed of walking down with someone I love all these years and to live out the dreams I never got to live out, mental note to be kind to my past self and let their dreams come true too

i just want to live out a 下亞厘北道esque cute romance with someone is that too much to ask

[dedalustephen]

you know what my life is going pretty well rn and I quite like it despite everything causing me stress but also I've just been thinking and it's actually quite shocking that I didn't turn out to be a lesbian. i think so many people thought id be a lesbian but I'm not. I'm very happily dating a man which is the antithesis of being a lesbian. it's kinda crazy. very shocking stuff

[dedalustephen]

i went from listening to this song as a lullaby in s6 and now im listening to it because it's my life. im glad youre evil too. i love you.

「心を開くことは　とても怖いはずなのに

きみの前では無邪気に笑えた」

「はしゃぎまわる　少し寂しい二人がいた

きみもぼくと同じくらい悪い人でよかった」

「時間は有限で　永遠みたいな嘘で

儚い人生の一瞬に　きみがいて

つまらない世界を　「つまらないね。」て笑って

肩を寄せ合う　少し寂しい二人がいた

きみもぼくと同じくらい悪い人でよかった

明日もまた　生きていたい　君を好きでよかった」

[dedalustephen]

it's ok even if all my uni friends hate us i'm just glad you're evil too. thought it might be too early to send this song and too embarassing. but im glad youre evil too.

「心を開くことは　とても怖いはずなのに

きみの前では無邪気に笑えた」

「はしゃぎまわる　少し寂しい二人がいた

きみもぼくと同じくらい悪い人でよかった」

「時間は有限で　永遠みたいな嘘で

儚い人生の一瞬に　きみがいて

つまらない世界を　「つまらないね。」て笑って

肩を寄せ合う　少し寂しい二人がいた

きみもぼくと同じくらい悪い人で���かった

明日もまた　生きていたい　君を好きでよかった」

[dedalustephen]

「心を開くことは　とても怖いはずなのに

きみの前では無邪気に笑えた」

「はしゃぎまわる　少し寂しい二人がいた

きみもぼくと同じくらい悪い人でよかった」

「時間は有限で　永遠みたいな嘘で

儚い人生の一瞬に　きみがいて

つまらない世界を　「つまらないね。」て笑って

肩を寄せ合う　少し寂しい二人がいた

きみもぼくと同じくらい悪い人でよかった

明日もまた　生きていたい　君を好きでよかった」

[dedalustephen]

im glad youre evil too :')

[dedalustephen]

it's like a curse you see, this bummed out feeling that she's over me

[dedalustephen]

frank iero

[dedalustephen]

and so i have decided im

going to stop being scared? im going to stop hating myself and the things that make up 'me', the things i love the things im interested in the people i care about!! the poeple i want ot care more about!! eveyrthing!!!!!

i need to stop being scared of being a person!! i can be vulnerable! i should let myself be! why am i so worried about being vulnerable?? i am vulnerable!! this fucking AT field of mine is strong as shit lmao

literally i am shinji in that yeah i will be a pussy ill be the worst bitch ever ill do the worst shit and ill be so fucking annoying and be destructive and an inconvenienve to anyone around me but i will absolutely NOT show ANY positive emotion towards anyone because thats scary its scary to be real id rather poeple hate me for what i do and the walls i put up at least that makes sure i know why they hate me, they hate me because im a stupid lil bitch im a shinnie innit they dont hate me because of me, thye hate me because of the walls i put up and i can take them down but theyre not hating my me they cant hate my me if thye cant see my me but if they cant see my me, it doesnt exist does it (wittgnestein private langauge argument)

my me is a beetle in a box if i dont let people see it! if the walls i build are so high up they consume me they consume the world in lcl then how can i tell people theres a beetle in the box im just scared of opening the box lest they see whats inside? and what if its not a beetle inside, im scared, and what if they dont like th ebeetle inside, im scared, and what if beetle??????/what if.

why is it so bad to be human? why is it so bad to show true genuine emotion why is it so bad to be the one thats miffed instead of be the one who is cold and terrible to everyone? why is it so easy to be terrible and be hated but so difficult to be nice and risk being hated? i dont like things i dont like this goddamn AT field,

dont make others suffer for your personal hatred.

maybe be honest to poeple for a start! say your midn! stop being so hesitatn! its alright for you to be here you WANT TO BE HERE! screams

[dedalustephen]

'she said, don't make others suffer for your personal hatred.'

and also;

'My mum told me that she's worried And I couldn't give a shit

Don't message me 'cause I won't reply, I wanna make you cry Ain't that how it's s'posed to be? Though it isn't me Boys will be bugs, right?'

and also;

'I told you I would return, when the robin makes his nest But I ain't never comin' back'

thinking today of the times my family feels unloved because im scared of showing them that i love them, even though i do and i know that clearly; thinking of the times my friends have been worried i hate them because im scared of showing them that i care about them thinking of the times people think i hate them bc im scared of messaging back bc what if they hate me? if i hate them first, they cant hate me, right? if i hate them first, their hate will be justified, so it wont be me, it'll be me on purpose, at least i can control that, if i cant make them like me at least i can make them hate me, on purpose right?

so i'll ignore the messages from the girl i like ill refuse to go out with her and ill ignore the messages from the friends i love and ill refuse to go out with them and ill ignore the messages from my family i love and ill refuse to go out with them and its all because im scared,

im making others suffer for my personal hatred.

so ill pretend i dont like the things i like because why is it so embarassing to have interests and emotions and feel good about things? why is it cringe to tell people you like things? im not saying oh i like anime im saying why cant i tell people yeah i like philosophy yeah i find this intersting no im not sick of this topic i find it really interesting!! im just scared of speaking because im worried if i act too enthu itll be cringe!! what about it is so cringe? what about liking what i do is cringe? why do i find this so difficult? why is it bad to be good? why must i be bad all the time? what is bad? why do i have to be so self deprecating to the point that if i show any positive trait or emotion it must be written off as irony or the implication that i like something i care about anything be cancelled? why must i be unemotional? why am i only allowed to possess hatred and anger and frustration and sadness? and why are those negative emotions never allowed to be weaknesses?

this is my most man moment guys

i need to stop making people suffer for my personal hatred!! just because im scared of people and im scared of being vulnerable and exposing things i genuinely care about doesnt mean i should hide it under so many layers of irony and deprecation and irony and irony and irony and irony and sarcasm and memes and irony and i am a 4channer by nature huh and irony and irony and so much irony that hey, why does it seem like im telling people i dont like this thing i obviously like, why do the people i like feel like i hate them? why do the people i love feel unloved???

why am i so scared of being vulnerable?? why do i hate myself so much????? why must everything about me be ironic and funny and negative and bad and a downer why does eveyrthing have to be bad to be okay? i dont get it!

do i not want good things?

do i not want to express to the people and things i like that i like them and i like those things and i care? do i not want to have things i care about? why is it so cringe to have things i personally care about??? why does it seem shameful to have things on my mind people on my mind anything that actually gets to my heart? why does it seem wrong to be a person?

personal hatred?

and she said, don't make others suffer for your personal hatred.