deepestbluruins

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Attachment Style-Fear of Abandonment

Attachment style is something that is grown from the minute out of the womb. Built from the attentiveness or neglect from our mothers. It is our baseline for ALL other future relationships, romantic, familial, and friendships. Attachment style impacts our expectations, standards, beliefs, and attitudes.

For me, as a girl who’s experienced lots of death and trauma, my attachment style grew anxious. As a girl who experienced manipulative bullying, not of the physical type but the emotional type, I grew distrustful of people. As a girl who suffered from undiagnosed clinical drepression for most of my childhood, I grew extremely self guarded. As a young person navigating through friendships and beginning to date I had extreme low-self esteem.

My “relationships” shaped me. Attachment style is shaped by meaningful experiences, good or bad. The first time a boy was interested in me, I couldn’t believe it but I went along bc I was trying to be rational. He ended up standing me up for 3 dates never talking to me and two months later dating my friend. I was ruined.

The second time someone took interest in me he had just broken up with his gf. After taking me out and telling me I understood him like no other, he ghosted me and three months later sent me a video snap of him and his hf naked together. I was ruined.

The third time I was also abandoned. I always let myself be vulnerable, even though it was as painful as peeling a literal layer of skin off. He said “I love you” and I said it back. But he abandone me, ghosted me. I am ruined.

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Deer God Poster (Holo and Normal) by InkJunkArt

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Here’s the thing

I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want attention. I don’t want pity.

I want to feel loved and needed and valued and I want to be respected. For some people, whether it’s because of their upbringing or mental health, that’s extremely difficult.

My mind is in a very dark place. I don’t want to romanticize depression. It’s a terrifying monster that consumes me. Most people in my life don’t see it. And they will never know.

Because the monster in my mind won’t let me scream for help.

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“You can’t fix me. Let me have my bad days.”

— Dayna Walls- Cochran

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Joao Ruas, feral kid

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there are so many types of pretty. paintings are pretty, but so are flowers. mountains are pretty, but so are accessories. fairy lights are pretty, but so are endless fields. different things are gorgeous in their own ways, just like people.

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“No, fuck you. I was worth it.”

— and I’m still worth it // R.R. (via missinyouiskillingme)

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Heartbroken Again

Trying to pull myself out of a slump

Must not self harm

I pretend you are someone else. Someone who is what I need. Someone who is truly for me.

He is understanding. Even when my worries and traumas don’t make sense, he understands they’re mine and true.

He listens. Without trying to change what I say, he takes everything in. What I say is important. My words are valid. Without trying to prove a point or hang me by my flaws.

I love him. But I have yet to meet him. I spend my days with you and it makes realizing this even more heartbreaking.

You are not him. I hope that soon you will turn into him or I should find him.

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I’m self medicating

I need a drink

I need to sleep

How many pills did I swallow?

I pretend you are someone else. Someone who is what I need. Someone who is truly for me.

He is understanding. Even when my worries and traumas don’t make sense, he understands they’re mine and true.

He listens. Without trying to change what I say, he takes everything in. What I say is important. My words are valid. Without trying to prove a point or hang me by my flaws.

I love him. But I have yet to meet him. I spend my days with you and it makes realizing this even more heartbreaking.

You are not him. I hope that soon you will turn into him or I should find him.

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Sharing bc is still true

Trust is so important in a relationship

I’m betraying my boyfriend. But, NO, it’s not what you think. I fantasize about an imaginary other. An other that doesn’t really exist in my life. An other that has been years since our 2 minute conversation.

Nonetheless, it’s betrayal.

I don’t feel like I can trust my partner. I don’t trust my partner. Not in the sense that he would have sex with someone else. But emotionally. He’s not connected or in tune with me. He shoves off my need for comfort, affection, and reassurance. He’s hurt me by comparing me physically to other very attractive women. He’s been silent and dismissive when I tell him about my worries of my family or myself as an immigrant. He asks “why”, rolls his eyes, and huffs his breath when I confide what makes me anxious. He tells me not to read into stuff.

I ask him to tell me what he needs from me to feel connected. He doesn’t respond.

His friends, his closest friends, know him as the complete opposite. If we were to ever compare, they would reject and not believe everything. I have to say. To them, he is patient, he listens, he gives advice, tells them to stay strong. He even tells me, ME, how worried he is for them.

It’s not until I burst into tears or give him the finger that he apologizes. I don’t trust that his apologies come from understanding what he did wrong, only that he hurt me.

So I fantasize. With the Facebook profile of a Jazz Band, fellow trumpeter, from 2 years ago.

[deepestbluruins]

Trust is so important in a relationship

I’m betraying my boyfriend. But, NO, it’s not what you think. I fantasize about an imaginary other. An other that doesn’t really exist in my life. An other that has been years since our 2 minute conversation.

Nonetheless, it’s betrayal.

I don’t feel like I can trust my partner. I don’t trust my partner. Not in the sense that he would have sex with someone else. But emotionally. He’s not connected or in tune with me. He shoves off my need for comfort, affection, and reassurance. He’s hurt me by comparing me physically to other very attractive women. He’s been silent and dismissive when I tell him about my worries of my family or myself as an immigrant. He asks “why”, rolls his eyes, and huffs his breath when I confide what makes me anxious. He tells me not to read into stuff.

I ask him to tell me what he needs from me to feel connected. He doesn’t respond.

His friends, his closest friends, know him as the complete opposite. If we were to ever compare, they would reject and not believe everything. I have to say. To them, he is patient, he listens, he gives advice, tells them to stay strong. He even tells me, ME, how worried he is for them.

It’s not until I burst into tears or give him the finger that he apologizes. I don’t trust that his apologies come from understanding what he did wrong, only that he hurt me.

So I fantasize. With the Facebook profile of a Jazz Band, fellow trumpeter, from 2 years ago.

[deepestbluruins]

Trust is so important in a relationship

I’m betraying my boyfriend. But, NO, it’s not what you think. I fantasize about an imaginary other. An other that doesn’t really exist in my life. An other that has been years since our 2 minute conversation.

Nonetheless, it’s betrayal.

I don’t feel like I can trust my partner. I don’t trust my partner. Not in the sense that he would have sex with someone else. But emotionally. He’s not connected or in tune with me. He shoves off my need for comfort, affection, and reassurance. He’s hurt me by comparing me physically to other very attractive women. He’s been silent and dismissive when I tell him about my worries of my family or myself as an immigrant. He asks “why”, rolls his eyes, and huffs his breath when I confide what makes me anxious. He tells me not to read into stuff.

I ask him to tell me what he needs from me to feel connected. He doesn’t respond.

His friends, his closest friends, know him as the complete opposite. If we were to ever compare, they would reject and not believe everything. I have to say. To them, he is patient, he listens, he gives advice, tells them to stay strong. He even tells me, ME, how worried he is for them.

It’s not until I burst into tears or give him the finger that he apologizes. I don’t trust that his apologies come from understanding what he did wrong, only that he hurt me.

So I fantasize. With the Facebook profile of a Jazz Band, fellow trumpeter, from 2 years ago.

[deepestbluruins]