deeplyahhhingforever

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Actual interaction I had at work last night

Me: *takes a deep breath to mentally prepare myself to communicate*

Me: hi Leah:)

Her: hi:) *walks away*

Me: *deep exhale as if I strained myself*

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Literally me to myself a few days ago: “is it considered a depressive episode if it’s been two years?’

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Wearing my Found Heaven hoodie while not believing in god and having never been in love…

false advertisement

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Source | Day 151

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The way I had once explained to my sister that I liked shows about things I would never be ‘cops, doctors, monster hunters, in love’

As an aroace I engage with romance and sex from a fantasy-level type of distance in the way that whenever I remember that people in real life actually want to touch each other's genitals I get the same wave of "hold the fuck up" that I would get if someone reminded me dragons exist.

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You know that feeling when you’re like ‘if I get this one thing, I’ll genuinely be happy because this week sucked and I just want this one thing’ and then you’ve got the Tajin mango sorbet you’ve gone to three different stores for and realize the one thing will not in fact make you happy because your room was a mess before you wanted that one thing and it’s still a mess now? Yeah, that feeling sucks.

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On the one hand I am sad that they're rushing the Crows timeline because some of the scenes lose a lot of their weight (Kaz beating up the men, Kaz cleaning Inej's wound, Jesper's powers being found out) but on the other hand I'm a simple bitch who gobbles it up

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This is now the reason Wylan is here. Idc what Kaz says, it’s this and this alone. Kaz knew that the kid in his basement making bombs was cute and cuddly and brought him along for Jesper.

Do you think, in the context of the show, Kaz made a note of the ‘bring something cute and cuddly along to keep Jesper calm’ plan with Milo, and factored that into bringing Wylan along

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JESPER ASKING FOR A DEMO MAN ON EVERY JOB AND KAZ IGNORING HIM WHILST KEEPING WYLAN IN HIS BASEMENT

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“Ben Barnes has the kind of face you just want to scar in the season two of your show.” -Netflix executives probably

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MOTHER?

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Crash course in romance really said enemies to lovers, found family, education system critique, murder mystery and eat the rich discourse simultaneously

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Okay so how many times a day do you think about Jesper loving and idolizing and trying to impress Kaz at every turn and only getting glares and reprimands and cold shoulders in return. And Jesper trying so hard to understand why Kaz does the things he does and yet he never fully confides in him and it hurts so much because Jesper needs him to because Kaz matters so much to him. BUT.

BUT.

But Kaz is boiling on the inside every time Jes makes a dumb mistake or loses his money to the wrong people or relies too little on real odds and too much on luck.

Kaz can't look Jesper in the eye and tell him why he called him Jordie. Kaz can't tell him that he had a brother. Kaz can't talk about the way he lost him. Because Jes is so close to the precipice all the time and holy shit he can't lose Jes the way he lost Jordie.

Not again.

He had two brothers and he watched one of them fall over to the abyss and he'll be damned if he lets the other follow.

And so he is mean and rude and hurtful and aggressive and elusive because they speak different languages. Kaz yells at Jesper to step away from the edge, to listen to him, to STAY BY HIS SIDE. Jesper hears Kaz yelling at him to GO AWAY.

And in the end the only conclusion Jes can reach is he doesn't matter enough to Kaz. And in the end Kaz treats Jes the way he does BECAUSE HE MATTERS TOO MUCH.

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13 year old sister said she started reading a webcomic because I’ve been reading them and I asked which one. Girl said Dangerous Convenience Store and I had to pretend I didn’t know what she was talking about when she was telling me Ahjuicy was buying xxl condoms. Like I didn’t know exactly what scene she’s talking about when she asked “why do they have panels on them in the shower?” Told her to go read things on Webtoon bc it’s more family friendly lol