definitelynotbrendon-blog

[definitelynotbrendon-blog]

April 6, 2019. 2:22am PST.

I felt like ranting. Do know that some of these will be fragmented thoughts as I just need an empty canvas to spill out all the shit I have in my mind.

I don't feel the same. Something chemically changed within me. Serotonin is one of the chemicals responsible/associated with sleep regulation and happiness that your body produces. I definitely feel like I'm fucking lacking in that shit.

Being happy doesn't feel like being happy anymore. Maybe it's because I've been so desensitized to the world around me. I realize there's a lot of horrible shit like suicide, the struggle that people have to attain financial stability whether it's in a first world country or. the terror that are medical bills and student loans. Crime, racism, murder, corruption, all that...not so good stuff.

You know how when you're a kid, you're ignorant to the world around you? Your parents tell you they have bills to pay and that things cost money, yet you don't realize the time and effort that goes into earning that money and paying those bills. It's the money, time and effort that gets you the food, clothing, that Happy Meal from McDonalds, the toys, the video games and so on that they buy you and you barely think about. You just know that, in that moment, you are happy. You're just so present minded and the only future you think about is of you coming home to play the new Super Mario game your mom just bought you or so on.

My family. We're lower middle class. I rely on financial assistance from the government so I can attend university and achieve a higher education

Sometimes I question that education. What relevance does it have to me? Why the fuck am I learning this shit if it doesn't make me happy? Is this all going to be a waste once I complete my degree?

I know I can at the bare minimum, finish my degree. AT THE BARE MINIMUM. I don't have a passion for running a business. I do find business interesting.

Music makes me happy. Dogs make me happy. Being able to learn multiple languages whether it's Khmer, Korean, Japanese, or American Sign Language fascinates me because it's this barrier to being able to communicate and understand people and their culture. Why tf is there not a curriculum for what I want to learn. Sometimes, I think to myself that I should screw the business administration degree that I'm pursuing altogether, and just take classes I genuinely enjoy. Music production classes. All the languages I've always wanted to learn. Personal finance classes and social media marketing. Video and film production. Random shit that might not necessarily make sense together, but they genuinely make me happy.

Like...if I only have one life to live, why tf not live it doing the things I love?

I know there's a lot of beauty to the world. I fucking love dogs.. I love nature. Being outside on a hike to take in an exhilarating view is such a freeing experience; yet I stay inside only a majority of the time to stay in front of a laptop screen, mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, reddit to see other people experiencing that world.

I feel sad for dogs who are essentially held captive to the backyard or 'home' of their owners, only to age and die 

Sometimes I just feel like I'm being ungrateful despite being aware of the opportunity around this. There's fucking opportunity everywhere. I have a roof over my head. I have my mom that takes care of me. I have dogs who I love very much. I just feel such a big disconnect from the world around me and those around me. I don't feel human. I don't feel right.

When I broke up with the last girl I dated for 3 months, I felt absolutely nothing. Compared to my first girlfriend or to other girls where I was completely heartbroken and bawling my eyes out, I felt absolutely nothing. She wasn't boring. She wasn't abusive. In fact, she was one of the sweetest girls I know and I genuinely thought I was going to be with her for the long term. When she cried to me on the phone about how unhappy she was, she gave me the ultimatum of whether I wanted to be with her or not.

I couldn't decide.

It should be blatantly obvious or a without a doubt decision that I wanted her in my life...right? I feel like if someone's the right one, you would make that decision to stay an instant, with no question in mind. 

it's especially after that moment that I truly didn't feel human. Being happy was never the same for me. 

I had a minimum wage job. I had so little but yet I was so happy. 

I've had relatives or in-laws who passed away. I'm fucking sitting here watching a man who's life is literally on the line. I  at a funeral, I'm here watching my cousins cry. I understand that these people mean so much to them. I know , but I wanted to feel at least something. 

Maybe I do have depression or some mental disorder that I'm unaware about. 

If this is true, I don't want to use depression as an excuse to why I can't do shit.  Yes, it makes shit harder. I have suicidal thoughts more than often, but I know I don't want to actually do so. I just want to feel human again.