Today I'm feeling nonhuman in a specifically non-android way which is, to put it simply, "??????" inducing. It's like...I feel...fuzzy. I feel like I'm covered in fur. I can't tell if this is a hallucination or not??? Like whether or not I have my sweater on, I feel like I'm covered in fur. What the HELL
[ID: A flag with nine equal horizontal stripes, which are black, extremely dark pink, very dark pink, dark pink, pink, light pink, very light pink, pale pink, and white. /End ID.]
ivsidirosen
ivsidirosen (ive-sid-ee-rose-un) - a colorgender connected to the colors pink, black, and white
("iv" from "ivory" + "sidi" from "obsidian" + "rose" + "n")
MY FRIEND HELPED ME COME UP WITH A SYSTEM ROLE NAME THAT SOUNDS SO COOL...MOONLIGHT GLOW!!! BECAUSE I AM THE MOON ALSO I AM THE POSITIVE ONE SO IT'S LIKE...I AM THE MOONLIGHT GLOW THAT ILLUMINATES THE STARRY DARK NIGHT FOR YOU...
There's this apl-spec exclusive server our host is in that I'm not sure if I should interact in because I'm not aplatonic? But like I'm just saying that as a blanket statement - I've never actually thought about my relationship to the aspec, like I just realized today I'm bellusromantic lol.
The thing is I don't know if I would define myself as aplatonic because like, I feel super lonely and do find myself wanting friends? Like all the time my thoughts go to how I kinda don't have relationships outside the system. Once (while pretending to be the host) I said that I don't have friends to our host's friends and they were like, "you have us!" And I was like, yeeaaaaaaaahhhh no I don't. You don't even know who I am. Lol.
I feel lonely, and like getting a friend would be what naturally fills the loneliness gap, right? Is that a platonormative assumption? Can other relationships fill that and I just platonormatively assumed that friends are what are supposed to fill loneliness?
Like I think the only reason I think I want friends is because I feel lonely on the inside. If I resolved my loneliness in some other way, I totally wouldn't desire friends in the first place. In fact I find myself stopping myself from interacting with our host's IRL friends and sometimes pretending to be the host in front of them because it would be like, am I ready for this responsibility? Do I really want this?
When I think of what friends entails, all the emotional baggage and hanging out together, idk, I think I would rather spend that time listening to Anri and playing girly games and drawing. Is that related to the apl-spec experience? Being lonely and thinking you want friends, but really just wanting to spend your time doing your own hobbies alone? Is there a word for that?