delusionalno1z - Tumblr blog

[delusionalno1z]

OKAY CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THE FUCK YOU SHIP A PACKAGE OF COOKIES TO A FRIEND WHO LIVES IN NEW JERSEY, ONLY TO HAVE IT NOT GET THERE ON TIME BECAUSE IT SOMEHOW ENDED UP IN GUAM?

I JUST

GUAM?

[delusionalno1z]

what a typical wednesday looks like

[delusionalno1z]

[delusionalno1z]

who this?1?1?

from the msi server when u shared ur tumblr 😎 ignore how long it took me to respond

[delusionalno1z]

them being cousins is the most funniest thing ever

[delusionalno1z]

[delusionalno1z]

i made a guide for ppl

[delusionalno1z]

Dante is a Norwegian Elkhound bc Virgil, his dog in the first movie, is one (i think, i’m not 100%). Randal is a Flame point Siamese or Red Point Siamese since Siamese cats are hella smart and orange cats are chaotic. There was no need for an explanation but idc I DO WHAT I WANT 🔥🔥

[delusionalno1z]

idea: scene with two characters eagerly stripping each other clearly about to bone, but they keep getting interrupted by finding carefully concealed weapons in each other’s clothing, so they keep just unholstering, revealing and unstrapping increasingly ludicrous amounts of hidden guns and knives as the clothes come off, and it’s lowkey killing the mood a little

[delusionalno1z]

“how did you get into writing” girl nobody gets into writing. writing shows up one day at your door and gets into you

[delusionalno1z]

So my family has a Gay Pirate Plate.

Stay with me.

We do not know how the hell the Gay Pirate Plate was first acquired. This being a point of contention is actually pretty plot-relevant; the saga of the Gay Pirate Plate began with my grandmother and her sister, who, for some ungodly reason, both BADLY wanted the Gay Pirate Plate and believed it to be rightfully theirs.

I should back up, firstly, to establish: The Gay Pirate Plate is the cheapest, tackiest, ugliest plate in existence.

It is in no way a collector’s item. It is physically impossible for it to complement anyone’s decor, because the colors in it are garish. It’s just a ceramic plate with a gay pirate painted on it, and the painting is, this cannot be emphasized enough, extremely bad.

(How do we know the pirate is gay if he’s just posing on a plate? Listen. Fully 100% to stereotype, but he is. He is gay. There’s an energy. That pirate is a flaming homosexual. That pirate has sex with men and does it frequently. That pirate is fucking gay, all right, he just is.)

Anyway. The point is that this is an extremely cheap and ugly plate with a poorly-executed painting of pirate on it who is like a nine on the Kinsey scale.

My grandmother and her sister fought a blood feud over this plate for their entire lives. It would be on the wall in my grandma’s house, and then her sister would visit, and then it would be gone. She’d visit her sister and the plate would be on the wall and her sister would pretend it had always been there. She would steal it back, hang it up, and, when her sister visited, pretend it had always been there. This continued for DECADES.

When the sister died, the Gay Pirate Plate lived triumphantly in my grandmother’s house. And then my grandmother died. And my aunt, who had lived with her and been her carer throughout her life, rightfully inherited their house.

We visit my aunt after the funeral and stay with her for a week or two.

Me, my sister, and our dad. Her brother.

The three of us look at each other. We don’t say anything. We studiously avoid making eye contact with the Gay Pirate Plate mounted proud and ugly on the wall. We notice one another studiously avoiding looking at it. We notice one another noticing. We say nothing. We come to a silent consensus. We pack up to leave. We get in the van. Our aunt comes out to say goodbye. I loudly announce I need to use the restroom before we leave. She obviously stays outside to continue talking to my dad.

I take down the Gay Pirate Plate, stuff it under my oversized sweatshirt, go outside, and get in the van. She happily waves goodbye as we drive off.

Two days later my dad gets a phone call that opens with hysterical laughter and “You FUCKING ASSHOLE did you seriously STEAL THE PLATE–”

Anyway. The gay pirate plate lives in my dad’s house currently.

But he’s trying to get me and my sister out to visit him. And plate mounts are cheap.

[delusionalno1z]

[delusionalno1z]

the blog killing axolotl is one of my favorite things that has ever happened on this website because talking about it afterwards sounds like an inside joke or perhaps a prank. like always be on the lookout for the blog killing axolotl. he can kill your blog. it happened to me once trust me.

[delusionalno1z]

how’s everyone doin tonight i just broke tumblr

[delusionalno1z]

my half of an art trade i did ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

[delusionalno1z]

i forgot i made this a while ago and got inspired to post it here too

[delusionalno1z]

No but seriously imagine it:

You're seeing a kevin smith movie on his movie theater. Everyone is having a great time. Kevin Smith seems a little excited. "I have a surprise for you guys." Kevin says. All of a sudden Jason Mewes comes out to "kick some ass by Stroke 9". When Jay starts to saying snooch to the nooch, someone else starts speaking from behind the curtain onstage...

"At least you being here ain't as bad as those Lord of the Rings movies- just three movies of walkin' to a fuckin volcanoe."

Lights flash everywhere, and you see Kevin singing "berserker" along with Jay and Brian O'Halloran, who walks onto the stage following Jeff Anderson doing the Randal strut. Everyone in the crowd is going wild and crying. Then if things couldn't get any better, The ImpracticalJokers walk onto stage and kiss, holding the gay flag.