demiromantic-official - Tumblr blog

[demiromantic-official]

Hello! I plan on making a character demiaroace, do you know what the offical flag looks like? I can't find much info over the identity at all. Help is appreciated :) 💜

Hey! I think most common is to use the one in my header image, the gray flag with the black demi triangle and a green+purple gradient stripe. Anyone else can way in if this has changed or if there is a new preferred flag; I am not so active in the aroace-specific community anymore.

[demiromantic-official]

Hello! I plan on making a character demiaroace, do you know what the offical flag looks like? I can't find much info over the identity at all. Help is appreciated :) 💜

Hey! I think most common is to use the one in my header image, the gray flag with the black demi triangle and a green+purple gradient stripe. Anyone else can weigh in if this has changed or if there is a new preferred flag; I am not so active in the aroace-specific community anymore.

[demiromantic-official]

AUREA is looking for volunteers!

We have been working hard on a book about aromanticism and we're looking to expand our book team! If you’re interested in applying, please fill in the form by April 10. Book volunteers will be given a small monetary gift upon completion of the book.

AUREA is also in need of volunteers to help caption the ASAW Livestream videos on YouTube. If you are interested, please contact us at contact@aromanticism.org with “CAPTIONER” in the subject line.

If captioning and book writing aren't good fits for you, but you would still like to volunteer you can also find our more general volunteer page here!

[demiromantic-official]

Koisenu Futari

I heard about this show like a week ago through a random tumblr post. A gifset of Sakuko searching the internet for the term “AroAce”. I did a double take. Theres no way, I thought. An aroace character? The words aromantic and asexual being used on screen? So I did some quick research and discovered that this is from a Japanese drama show called Koisenu Futari.

Here’s a summary of the show:

About two people who are aromantic and asexual and begin living together. Sakuko finds it difficult to live in a society which operates under the assumption that people will fall in love with each other. She meets supermarket employee Takahashi when she goes to support a “fall-in-love” campaign by her junior at work. She is startled when she hears him say that there are people who don’t fall in love. As Sakuko’s mother keeps hurrying her to get married, she decides to move out and rent an apartment with her friend but her friend backs out at the last minute after reconciling with her ex-boyfriend. Just when Sakuko is about to give up, she ends up living with Takahashi under one roof because of their similar values towards romance.

(source)

So not only does this show have an AroAce character, it is CENTERED on not one but TWO Aroace characters and their experiences and feelings as AroAces.

Do you know how rare that is!?!??!

Last night I finally found a way to watch it with English subtitles and I blew through the two episodes available when I tell you I cried. Oof. I cried no less than 3 times during episode 1 alone.

I mean look at this. Talks of amatonormativity, Sakuko’s friendship being mistaken for romantic feelings, friends ditching her for romantic relationships, constantly being told she’ll find her “fated partner”, touch aversion, and so much more.

Is this what real representation feels like? This is a little overwhelming to be honest. I’ve never experienced anything like this in my entire life. There has never been anything like this on tv ever. We as a community have gotten so many crumbs. A few canon ace characters. Even fewer aro characters. I can’t even name 1 aroace character. And even then their stories are side plots or they’re secondary characters or just a throwaway joke/plot device. I can count on hand the number of accurate decent representation for the aspec community on tv.

But this show. This is me. This is my experience, my feelings, my identity. Sakuko is my coming out story. Sakuko and Takahashi are living my life. I see myself on screen for the first time. I’m crying again because I’ve never know what this could feel like. I feel heard and seen. I feel accepted and normal.

A part of me still worries that the other shoe is going to drop and they’ll have Sakuko and Takahashi fall in love I’m the end and then they’ll be “normal” because that’s what always happen. Always always always. But I genuinely dont think that’s what’s going to happen and I’m ecstatic about that.

A whole show about two AroAces!!!! I’m over the moon right now. Lots of sobbing happening right now. Words dont convey the amount of happiness I feel about this.

[demiromantic-official]

What I Learned as a Demisexual/Demoramtic

Now, I’ve started to frequent the r/demisexuality subreddit, and one of the most common posts are people asking for advice or information because they’re questioning.

Perfectly understandable. I help where I can on posts I feel like I can actually offer help on and I’m going to share that same advice on here with you all on the off chance it’ll help someone. Granted, this will mostly be me parroting information others have told me or information from the articles and videos I’ve watched, but this isn’t something that is widely known and I want to try and educate as well as help.

While I will remain as clinical and respectful as possible, I will be bringing up the topic of sex.

What is Demisexuality?

Demisexuality is part of the asexuality spectrum, and is the complete absence of sexual attraction until a bond is formed. Let me stress that it isn’t “being picky”, or “normal”, demisexuals do not feel any sexual attraction at all until the prerequisite of a strong emotional bond is established. Demisexuals do not see people on the street, actors, or celebrities “hot”.

There is no desire, no reaction, no drive to have intimate relations with someone if they don’t know them.

This means that demisexuals are functionally asexual until they care about someone enough to develop sexual attraction. Personally, it’s less to do with looks, and more to do with who the person is. For example I find my boyfriend attractive because of the amount of love, respect and, trust we have for each other. It’s who he is that matters, not what he looks like.

Can I be Straight/Bi/Gay/Pan and still be Demi?

Yes. The Asexual and Aromantic Spectrums is often used as an additional label to the more “well known” sexualities. I myself am a Straight Cis female that is Demisexual and Demiromantic.

You can be demisexual/asexual/gray asexual and still be romantically attracted to a specific gender, as the Asexual spectrum only concerns sexual attraction and nothing else.

With that said…

Sexual Attraction and Romantic Attraction are Two Different Things!

Despite what society and modern media would have you believe, sexual attraction (the desire to be sexually intimate with someone) and romantic attraction (the desire to date someone/ fall in love) are two different things.

Just because a demisexual does not feel sexual attraction until after getting to know someone, that doesn’t mean they can’t fall in love. In fact the “emotional bond” I keep bringing up can be platonic or romantic.

I’m going to be using myself as an example, I knew my boyfriend for a few years before I realized that I liked him as more than a friend, that I liked him romantically, but I wasn’t yet comfortable with the idea of doing anything intimate with him when we first got together two years ago. It was around nine months (roughly) into the relationship, after talking things out, discussing what we wanted out of the relationship, what I was comfortable with, and trusting him enough to be ok with even talking about sex.

I loved him first, and found him attractive as time went on.

So, for those demis with significant others, for those of you who are dating a demi, and especially for people questioning if they are demi, please heed this next bit of advice.

Communication Is Key!

I cannot stress this enough, you need to be okay with having actual conversations, you need to aware of both your own boundaries and those of your partner. And for you singles out there, you need to be able to clearly explain this to any potential partners you may have, it will save you a ton of pain and heartbreak in the future.

It’s heartbreaking to see people on the Demisexuality subreddit deal with some horrible situations because they’re pressured into doing something, or assumptions are made based on how dating and hook-up culture work…

Sexual Attraction is Different from Sex Drive or Arousal

This is a point that a lot of people get confused with, thinking that getting turned on, viewing erotic material, and their own libido means they aren’t demi.

Sexual attraction is seeing someone and having the desire to have sex with them.

Sex drive is the desire to have sex in general, it is a biological process and is perfectly normal to have. An undirected thing that just happens. Demisexuals can have high or low sex drives, Asexuals can have high or low sex drives. Anyone can have high or low sex drives. What matters is the lack of or limited attraction to others that defines people on the asexual spectrum.

And yes, you can watch porn, read explicit fanfiction, whatever suits your taste. Arousal is nothing more that reaction to erotic stimuli and is a normal thing.

It’s even okay if you want nothing to do with sex. There are people who enjoy, others don’t and that’s okay.

Demisexuality VS Demiromanticism

I mentioned the Aromantic Spectrum earlier and have already stressed the fact that wanting to bang someone and falling in the love with them are two separate things. For those of you curious, Demiromanticism is similar to Demisexuality in that both of these orientations require a strong emotional connection to a person as a prerequisite, the difference being what the prerequisite relationship is for.

Demisexuals require an emotional connection before they are sexually attracted to someone.

Demiroamtics require an emotional connection before they are romantically attracted to someone.

There is no “Lust at first sight” with a Demisexual and no “Love at first sight” with a Demiromantic.

And you can be Demiromantic, Demisexual or both.

I am both, it took quite a while to figure that out, let me tell you. I had a genuine moment of “Wait, people actually fall in love at first sight irl? That’s a thing?” as well as a moment of “People want to F***, just because?”

As a demiromantic and demisexual, I was very confused for a while there.

Things Demisexuality Is Not!

It is not “a choice”. It is a fundamental part of how a person thinks, how they function. I can no more stop being demi than my boyfriend can stop liking boobs.

It is not “a kink”. I’ve had this one said to me personally and for the love of god, ew no. It is not a kink. It is something firmly rooted in how I am as a person you uneducated, narrow-minded Ding-Dong. Kinks are fine, perfectly fine so long as it’s safe and everyone involved consents. What I’m not okay with is people blatantly ignoring information about a sexuality to label it as a kink.

“Isn’t everyone like that?” No, Let me put it this way, if the entire world was Demisexual, sex appeal wouldn’t exist in media because it wouldn’t work.

Bonus Round: Being Demi and Having Fictional Crushes

This is something I posted about on reddit, that got a lot of positive attention as most demis that replied didn’t really know about this, but could relate to once I put it into words.

I’d often get attached to fictional characters to the point of being hyper fixated on a select few and develop crushes on them. Some characters I’d even seek out explicit fanfiction of.

This is because I am essentially developing a one-way bond with that character. It’s not with every character mind you, there are some characters I have crushes that don’t involve NSFW content, and there are plenty of characters I like platonically.

But the fact that my hyper fixations and fictional crushes made so much sense after I figured I was demi was a relief and a fun little thing to figure out.

“Oh I’m demi… That explains so much…”

If You Have Anymore Questions, Feel Free to Ask Me!

I do have the ask box open on this blog, or you can head to r/demisexuality and hopefully someone with more experience than me can help.

I hope this was educational and helpful to a degree.

[demiromantic-official]

why are all pride flags just stripes make that shit like Wales

[demiromantic-official]

[demiromantic-official]

"There is persistent slippage in queer and nonqueer work alike between the terms “asexuality” and “desexualization” in that both come to, unfortuitously, mean one and the same. In other words, until very recently, asexuality has stood in for desexualization and has rarely been articulated as a positive site of identity or sexual expression. Instead, being subsumed into the negative force of desexualization, asexuality comes to signal a sexuality taken away, a sexuality denied, a sexuality forbidden. Yet, asexuality is not an elaboration of something lost or denied; it is, quite conversely, a marker of something found and understood about oneself, a site of self-meaning, a welcome term in the process of self-understanding."

Asexual Erotics: Intimate Readings of Compulsory Sexuality, Ela Przybylo

[demiromantic-official]

Challenging Amatonormativity: A Guide for the Questioning Aro

So i’ve been helping a friend who’s questioning if they’re aro and i thought i might as well make a post with some of the advice that i’ve been giving them in case anyone else might find it useful. A lot of it involves questions to ask yourself that are supposed to help you confront internalized amatonormativity. I won’t tell you what different answers mean since you’ll know better than me how to interpret your own thoughts and feelings, but I may explain how they affect me.

Small disclaimer: this is all based on what has been helpful to me in the process of questioning and accepting myself as a nonamorous aroace, so i can’t say for sure that it will apply to everyone.

Imagine yourself in a romantic situation

Are you looking at the situation from a third person/outside pov or a first person/inside pov? If it’s third person, you are likely distancing yourself from the situation and should attempt to imagine it in first person.

How does the situation make you feel? Again, make sure you’re imagining this from a first person pov.

What does the other person look like? Are they distinct? Can you describe their features? I find that hypothetical s/o’s i imagine tend to be just featureless blobs.

What appeals to you about a romantic relationship?

Are the things involved things you consider romantic?

Why do you consider them romantic?

Do they need to be romantic, or can you see yourself getting these things from a platonic relationship?

Could it be cultural influences that are making you see these things as romantic?

Imagine yourself doing these things both with a romantic and platonic label. Which one feels more comfortable? I often find that simply labeling the activities as romantic is enough to make me feel uncomfortable while a platonic label on the exact same scenario makes it more appealing.

Generally, nothing has to be considered inherently romantic, even going so far as marriage or starting a family together. You can still think of them as romantic things, but they don’t have to be if those things still appeal to you while romance doesn’t.

Are you experiencing romantic attraction?

Think of someone you think you may have been attracted to. What do you want out of a relationship with them? Do you want a relationship at all?

If you think you do want a relationship with them, are the things you imagine doing with them romantic? 

If yes, why do you consider these things romantic?

Put a platonic label on the relationship you’re imagining and see if that makes you feel any different about it.

What i can say about my experience is that imagining platonic relationships or doing intimate things with my friends is a lot more solid and clearer and comfortable in my mind than imagining myself doing things i’ve explicitly labeled as romantic. 

Also, it’s important to reconsider what you think is romantic. Much of what constitutes romance is a social construct, so reminding yourself that you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to have intimacy can help a lot in figuring out what you actually want. 

I hope this makes sense and someone out there finds it helpful!

[demiromantic-official]

Cancel the San Diego PD

It’s transgender awareness week!

Trans woman Kristina Frost was detained by police and placed (against her wishes and expressly against the law) into a cell with 3 men. She was beaten by one of the men, resulting in multiple jaw fractures and other injuries. According to the lawsuit filed today:

Kristina was dressed and presenting as a woman, including wearing a bra and high cut shorts.

Both her DMV records and driver’s license indicated she was a woman.

Officers repeatedly misgendered her in front of others and on official paperwork.

Sheriff’s deputies watched with ‘deliberate indifference’ as the beatings took place.

They eventually removed the man assaulting her, but then detained Kristina for 12 hours with no access to medical care.

NBC did a survey indicating that out of 4,890 trans women imprisoned in the US, only 15 were housed according to their gender identity.

Two trans women and a trans man arrested in Miami when protesting with Black Lives Matter were subject to genital inspection when other detainees were not.

Etc., etc. Re-blog for awareness if you didn’t know and feel free to support if inclined and able :)

[demiromantic-official]

You might be sexually attracted to that person if…

- You think sexual thoughts about the person out of nowhere

- You feel aroused upon seeing the person outside of a sexual setting

- You find yourself wondering what the person is like in bed and what their genitals look like 

- You want to have sex with that person because your body is screaming for sex with that one person in particular.

- Seriously though if you’re already horny and that person is there you will feel all hot and sexually aroused and might drool a bit and fantasies of doing X-rated things to that person will fly through your mind and your body will literally be screaming for that person to take you or for you to take that person. Even just thinking about that person while horny can do this to you.

- TMI but if you get off while fantasizing about you having sex with that person, the orgasms can be absolutely mind-blowing and may even give you leg cramps.

- You really do “just know.”

You might not be sexually attracted to that person if…

- You make a conscious effort to fantasize about sex with that person, mainly to see if you actually want to

- You feel aroused during a sexual situation, but that arousal has more to do with the activities instead of the specific person. Alternatively, you just don’t feel aroused at all.

- You feel aroused at random, but it’s directed towards no one

- You want to have sex with that person because you want to make them happy or are just horny and want to get off with a partner or want babies or want money or literally any other reason aside from your body screaming for sex with that one person in particular.

- TMI but if you try to get off while fantasizing about you having sex with that person, you may get bored and start thinking of other things. Or, you may start fantasizing about that person doing sexual things that don’t involve you in which case aegosexual might be worth looking into.

- You just don’t know.

If the “you might be sexually attracted” list boggles your mind, you are possibly asexual.

If the “you might not be sexually attracted” list boggles your mind, you are possibly not asexual.

If you can relate to the “might not be sexually attracted” list, but also feel like you’ve experienced some of the things on the “might be sexually attracted” list, it may be worth checking out some acespec identities.

(Disclaimer: This is strictly based off of my own experiences as acespec and is meant to be a guide for people questioning sexual attraction. Overall, you know yourself best and I’m not gonna tell you what you’re feeling or how to identify.)

[demiromantic-official]

ATTENTION ACE/ARO FRIENDS

hi im putting together an art exhibit about asexuality and i want to create an art piece using stories :D I want to gather as many stories as possible, from as many people on the ace/aro spectrum as possible!

ok so heres the question:

How did you realize you were a-spec and what was the moment that you realized?

Feel free to go into as much or as little detail as you would like!

Reblogs very very much appreciated!

[demiromantic-official]

this is going to be a sizzling hot take but alloromantic queers can mention someone’s queerness without feeding into relationship hierarchy and amatonormativity

[demiromantic-official]

Hey, hey... happy ace week

[demiromantic-official]

An over-simplified guide to becoming an asexual activist.

[demiromantic-official]

🎃 Happy Halloween and Happy last day of Ace Week! 💜

To celebrate I made an ace cat witch! This kitty is available on auction! Proceeds above the starting bid will be donated to Asexual Outreach. Auction will end on the 5th of November. Link here!

The cards on their hat is in reference to asexuality. Among aces, the ace of hearts represents allo aces (asexuals that experience romantic attraction) and the ace of spades represents aro aces (asexuals that do not experience romantic attraction).

[demiromantic-official]

Hey it’s ace week and you’re local ace has something to say! I’ve been out as ace for 3 years now and it’s still a big part of my identity that I’m proud of so here’s a lil something for those who need it!