🌈friendship ended with depressive posting now HEALING is my best friend🌈 jk i lied but we try
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I wiah I could make a post that says "you are cordially invited to unfollow me" that wouldn't be passive aggressive but jt is passive aggressive. bcos I am getting tired of watching ppl vague me lol
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I think what it is is that you spend your teens terrified of losing childhood and wrestling with both adapting to and rejecting becoming an independent person and then once you're passed it you're in a short lull period for a while and then it sets in that you're never gonna get it back so the obsession doubles down even if you were already so so scared of ending up like that in the first place. bc you Know logically it's stupid as hell to fear being alive and aging is normal and just what it means to not die tragically young and the "consequences" (I.e. wrinkles or whatever) are not to be feared or desperately fought cuz its DUMB and you KNOW that but when it starts to happen you freak out anyway cuz it's New and you JUST got done being terrified. yeah
#im gonna look back at all the posts im obsessively making about getting older in a few years and be like. shut the hell up lol omg#like wow you dumbass you didnt die at fuckin 20 like you were supposed to WOW what a tragedy. idiot. im being such an idiot
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i like to pretend i already died and asked god to send me back to earth so i can swim in lakes again and see mountains and get my heart broken and love my friends and cry so hard in the bathroom and go grocery shopping 1,000 more times. and that i promised i would never forget the miracle of being here
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dealing with (evading actually) a very awkward online situation with someone rn and idk what to do so I am just pulling my classic go to of hiding from them. it is going to not work out like always 👉👉
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surely life cant only be the same unresolved thoughts forever
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the desperate wretch hits the weed pen at 2:40am, as if they have any hope to sleep for the 3 hours before they must rise...a doomed quest
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kind of thinking maybe I am finally reaping some of the many consequences of loving to drink so much as my liver pretty much started swelling up and hurting halfway through today umm <3 that coupled with the general mental confusion that I can no longer tell if it's normal or not + the complete lack of appetite I almost always have. ok maybe these things are related
#i have technically been drinking heavily for 7 years now. so hm#doesnt seem normal to wake up okay and then hakfway thriugh the day BAM your liver feels extended and hurts. and is tenderrr 2 the touch ok#i fuckin hate going to the doctor i dont wsnt to and she doesnt even like me and the other ppl there are rude too lawl#augdh. aughh fine fuck. but i cannot imagine quitting drinking it sucks so bad#i Need it. i Need it i Cannot live without it. i cannor Fathom not drinking regularly#its like the one fuckin thing that i get to do that relaxes me and makes life tolerable for a bit GOD GOD GOD#. bleak. sooo upset rn idk what to do lol#i hope the pain goes away <3 and i hope i dont cave into drinking and the fuckin pub my mom is forcing me to go to after my 9 hour shift#tomorrow :)
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that comment about how you should not borrow grief from the future has saved me multiple times from spiraling into an inescapable state of anxiety. like every time i find myself thinking about how something in the future could go wrong i remember that comment and i think to myself: well i never know, it might get better. it might not even happen the way i think it will and if it does happen and it is sad and bad ill be sad about it then, when it happens. and it’s somehow soo freeing
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"I asked an elderly man once what it was like to be old and to know the majority of his life was behind him. He told me that he has been the same age his entire life. He said the voice inside of his head had never aged. He has always just been the same boy. His mother's son. He had always wondered when he would grow up and be an old man. He said he watched his body age and his faculties dull but the person he is inside never got tired. Never aged. Never changed.
Our spirits are eternal. Our souls are forever. The next time you encounter an elderly person, look at them and know they are still a child, just as you are still a child and children will always need love, attention and purpose." ~ Author Unknown
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oh shit just remembered my grandfather died. huh. okay weird
#i saw him last year and despite theeee. everything#it was nice to see him#and now im realizing oh i literally will never see him again because he is dead and buried. okay#weird. very weird#he was smiling and excited to show me his cool new zooming chair last time and now hes gone forever and ill never speak to him ever again.#what the fuck lol
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I think I need to get tattoos to feel normal like actually. I mentally need them to cover my oodles of scars I knew they were permanent when I gave them to myself but UHM i was naught expecting to live this longggg girl and they're FREAKING ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!
#genuinely the viscerality of knowing theyre on me and i Cannot enjoy my body at all or wear swimsuits or shorts without having a mini mental#breakdown...like i NEED to scrub them off me but i CANT get OFF of me lol#self harm tw //#<- IN CASE!!!! MOSTLY AGGHHH
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eurggh it's just frustrating to on one hand know your twenties are bullshit and it's completely unrealistic to expect to be big time successful at anything at my age but on the other hand i think I'm doomed to forever feel robbed of my early adulthood and all the milestones that were supposed to come with it lol. I never graduated so I have nothing education wise to show, no experience except the same entry level retail work I've been in for the last 10 years, it does all feel a little bit helpless in terms of imagining a future where I get to create or get job opportunities I'd be interested in. Once upon a time it seemed pheasable that I could've been a museum curator or someone involved in art or history, now it's just like. Can't wait to come home from my fail job so I can stare at a video game title screen and not play it before going to bed and doing it all again until I die 👍
#in the grand scheme of things its very first world problems and some of ot is my own fault TO a fault at the very least#ive always had a habit of romanticizing my own misery so fine sure#but wow does it ever feel over yaknowww and i dont think its ever gonna not feel like that
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Either people need to learn how to tell the difference between an “I’m sorry” that takes direct responsibility and an “I’m sorry” that signifies sympathy, or I’m gonna start responding to unfortunate information with a solemn nod and a “Sympies,” because I am tired of receiving a “Why? It wasn’t your fault” every time I try to vocalize compassion.
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I'm so serious the last 6 years didn't happen they didn't happen. I turned 20 like a year ago....the fuck is goin on...
#its just gonna keep goin like this for infinity huh. its okay#whyyy did like 80 different traumatic things have to happen CONSECUTIVELY within 5 years starting in 2016#like i for real...was Naught present emotionally or mentally at all#r u kidding me. and now i have fomo when i spend childhood already trying to seize the moment instead of spirallkng. unreal#ANYWAY I GOTRA GO TO WORK
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