deserving-ff-blog

[deserving-ff-blog]

2.

I had just left from Dr. Lancaster's office when Chris called me to pick-up some money from him. He was at his cousin's house and based off the directions that he gave me; it wasn't too far from the doctor's office. I had invited him to come but he didn't respond which meant either he didn't get the message or he didn't want to go. Either way, I had the sonogram technician print out the pictures from the sonogram so I could show him. The original copies I had were for me but I thought I would be nice and give him his own to do with whatever he wanted. I followed Google's directions until I pulled in front of the house and immediately dialed his number. I wasn't familiar with his cousins and I sure as hell didn't feel comfortable knocking on some random person door.

Chris walked out of the house and got into my car, the strong stench of weed very present. Looking at him I could tell he had been smoking and I could feel myself getting irritated just by the smell of him. Getting high was more important than coming to a doctor's appointment, an appointment that he said he wanted to be apart of. "You think you can take me back to my house? I was with these niggas last night and left my shit at home."

I didn't answer him - instead I just rolled down the window and pulled away from the house. "How'd the doctor's appointment go?"

"Fine, the baby's doing good." Chris nodded and ran his hand down his face. "So what happened to you? I thought you were goin' to come?"

"How? I don't have my car." The doctor's office was literally ten minutes away, he could've gotten a ride. "I know I said I was gon' come but I didn't think I was gon' be at they house all night."

"Ok." I didn't feel like going back and forth with him; the sooner I got him out of my car the sooner I could go home.

We rode in silence the entire way to his house, I parked alongside his car. Chris dug around inside of his pocket, pulling out a couple hundred dollars and handing them to me. It was much less than the last time he gave me some money; but it was more than what I currently had on me. I still had the seventeen hundred he gave me a couple weeks ago; that was still sitting in my checking account accumulating with my own money. I put the money into my purse and grabbed the sonogram pictures, handing them to him.

"He's a little more developed now, so you can see his legs and feet and face." I explained each picture to him and he nodded, the smile on his face never leaving. "Those are yours. I have plenty from other doctor's appointments."

"I promise the next appointment I'm gon' be at." I nodded but kept my comments to myself. If he showed up; I'd be surprise. "You probably don't believe me though."

"Chris, I'm not gon' get into this with you right now but I will say this. For you to tell me that you didn't have a ride to come to a doctor's appointment, don't make sense to me. You just handed me seven hundred dollars and you smell like you been blowing good all day. You're literally ten minutes away but instead of finding a way, you just didn't come. If you're gon' be here - be here, if not, leave me and him alone."

Chris didn't say anything, the pitiful look on his face said enough. "I'm not telling you how to live your life but you need to decide what's more important. I can't be selfish anymore, it's not about me." Chris nodded his head. We sat in silence for the next couple of minutes before his phone interrupted the silence. He ignored it and I sighed.

"The next doctor's appointment is next week at eleven o'clock. If you don't think you'll make it, I don't have a problem with coming to get you. It's always on a Wednesday."

"I don't think I'll have a problem getting there, but I'll keep that in mind." Chris flashed a smile and returned it. He licked his lips, his eyes traveling down my face down to my stomach. "I don't want to be disrespectful and I know we're getting back on good terms, but can I touch your stomach?"

His request caught me off guard. I just knew something else was going to come out of his mouth and for that, my tongue was ready to let his ass have it. "I've been wanting to touch it but I don't know how you feel about it so I didn't."

I unfastened my seatbelt and pushed my seat back, grabbing his hand in the process. I placed his hand over my stomach, right on top of his leg. The sudden movement from our child surprised him as he kept his hand on my stomach, watching as the baby shifted inside of my stomach. I was used to him moving but to see Chris enjoy the movement was cute. I enjoyed watching him be in amazement at the life that we created together; if it were earlier then maybe our outcome would've been different.

Chris's hand roamed over my stomach and I giggled at the sensation of some of his touches. He looked at me, catching my smile and returning one of his own. He apologized but I didn't mind; I let him enjoy the movement of our son until his phone interrupted the moment again - this time he let it ring. Once it stopped it started again, this time causing Chris to sigh in disappointment and move his hand to answer it. The female voice could be heard loud and clear as soon as he answered, questioning where he was at. "Look, don't come at me on that shit - I told you I'd be there, I'd be there. You startin' that bullshit and I really don't have time for it."

While he argued with his girlfriend, I put back on my seat belt and prepared to leave his complex. I've been in her position, calling to see where he was at when he was doing something that he didn't have any business. Somethings never change when it came to Chris. "Listen," I turned to face him as he put the phone into his pocket. "I'm gonna call you later on once I've got everything settled."

"Does your girlfriend know about the baby?" Chris nodded his head. "How does she feel about it?"

"She doesn't feel anything for real. I mean, I haven't been there for the pregnancy until now so she feeling a certain type of way. But we not even that serious so, she trippin'."

I left it alone after that. Chris wasn't the most truthful person when it came to relationships so I knew that there was probably more to the story that he wasn't telling me. Thankfully, I didn't have any interest in finding out.

---

My mother recruited me to the kitchen to help make dinner, wanting to know what the doctor said about the baby. Usually, she accompanied me to the appointments but she had some other business to tend to. Plus - when I told her that Chris would be coming she didn't want to be around. My mama didn't care for him and with good reason; until recently he'd been every bit of a deadbeat and stereotypical baby's daddy. I told her about the money that he gave me but not the amount - she didn't need to know everything.

"So, he didn't show up?" I nodded confirming that he didn't and she shook her head. "I'm not surprised, when you told me that he had reached out I knew it was too good to be true."

"Yeah well, good thing I didn't have too much hope for that then huh?" I honestly didn't want to listen to my mother bash Chris for his short-comings. Granted, I talked shit but I would never say some of this shit to his face. My mother on the other hand, will if provoked. "Dr. Lancaster wants to start monitoring me twice a week since I'm measuring big. More than likely they're gonna induce me if he keeps getting bigger."

"Are you ready for that?" I shrugged my shoulders - it wasn't like I had a choice in the matter. If Dr. Lancaster wanted to schedule an induction then I would be induced. "It's gonna be okay, I'll be there with you and I promise nothing bad is gonna happen to you or my grandson."

My momma gave me a reassuring smile and I hugged her. She's always been in my corner - no matter what decision I made. When I found out that I was pregnant, I came to her first. I was nervous and scared about what she might say or do. I had friends' whose mothers' flipped on them completely, kicking them out of the house for getting pregnant but not my mother. She wiped my tears and kissed my forehead before she brought me into a hug. "We're gonna get through this; I got through this with you and you're gonna get through this with this baby."

As we finished dinner, my mother went to take a phone call while I made salad for the both of us. I poured her a glass of wine and got some grape juice for myself, sitting down at the table with my phone in my posession. Chris's mother had texted me, wanting to know if I could come over tomorrow so we could talk and she could give me some gifts for the baby. I had a hair appointment in the morning that would run over into the mid-afternoon but I told her that I would stop over afterwards. With the baby coming in the next couple of weeks, I didn't want the stress of worrying about my hair. I'm sure that she knew that we were on speaking terms now which meant that it was less awkward for her I'm assuming. Like I said before, I never had a problem with Joyce - my problem was with her son.

[deserving-ff-blog]

1.

"Your account balance is; $26.89."

I hung up the phone and signed my name on the back of the check, preparing to deposit it into my account. As long as my account wasn't overdraft most of the funds would be available. At least, that's what the bank teller told me two weeks ago. I needed at least a hundred to get the stroller out of the layway and the rest would be stored until I got paid again. These part-time hours was all that they could afford to give me due my condition; anything more would be in violation of my doctor's orders. My doctor wanted me to sit the third trimester out but that wasn't an option; I needed to make money before this baby came since his father wouldn't be much help.

I was three months into my pregnancy when Chris decided that he wanted to start acting stupid. All the promises of being their for me and the baby were empty; he hadn't attended one doctor's appointment nor bought one single thing since I've been pregnant. I stopped asking him to contribute after he spun me for the last time, telling me that he didn't have the money to put towards anything. But, he had money to spend on himself and the bitches that he entertained on a daily basis. Females were forever popping up on my newsfeed in pictures with him, calling him their "bae" and all this extra shit. Did they know he had a baby on the way? Did they know he was a fucking selfish deadbeat with no intentions on raising his seed? Of course not. Chris wouldn't let them know any of that information.

Chris's mother knew that I was pregnant and she contributed when she wanted to. I didn't expect her to do shit to be quiet honest; it wasn't her baby. But I was appreciative when she did bring me something for the baby and asked how I was feeling. She knew that her son was out here running crazy -I wasn't going to tell her shit about her child that she already knew. I've had more conversations with her than I did Chris since I've been pregnant.

After the money was deposited into my account and the funds I needed were available; I left the bank to go to Wal-Mart to get my stroller. Hopefully someone would be kind enough to load it into my car once I paid for it; I wasn't supposed to be lifting anything anyway. I pulled into my parking spot when my phone began ringing and the devil's name appeared on the screen. We haven't talked in months; when he didn't do what he said he would do I felt that I didn't need to include him on the development of the baby. Despite all the bullshit, I felt that Chris would make an effort for our child - but he had yet to step up to the plate. "Hello?"

"Aye, where you at?" I told him. "Oh. What all you need for the baby?"

"Some more diapers would be fine." As trivial as that request was, I honestly didn't need shit else for him. I had a bassinet, clothes, diapers and wipes, and all the other baby essential shit I would need for the first couple months of his life. "You can drop those off at my house."

"That's all you need? Some diapers - nothing else?"

"I've got everything else that I would need already. So, diapers are something that I'm gonna run out of so if you want to contribute that it's fine." I locked my doors before I started walking into Wal-Mart.

"Alright, well call me when you leave Wal-Mart so I can come drop these diapers off I guess." I agreed and our conversation ended there. Whatever possessed him in calling me didn't spark my interest and I went on about my business like normal.

--

My mother's car was gone which meant that she had already disappeared for the night and I probably wouldn't see her until tomorrow morning. That was fine, she didn't care for Chris and the fact that he was showing signs of being a deadbeat father didn't help her opinion of him. He was sitting in a car when I pulled up and I didn't recognize it as being his; probably something he had purchased on a humble. He saw me and stepped out, putting his phone in his pocket as he approached me. His eyes were lingering on my stomach and I knew that he was surprised by my size. In the last couple months my stomach had grown and I really looked like a pregnant girl now instead of a fat one.

"What's up?" He nodded and I popped the trunk. "Do you think you can carry this in the house for me?" I said referring to the carseat stroller combo that was occupying my trunk. I would've waited for my mother but since he was here, he could do it.

Chris obliged me and carried the box into the house, sitting it in the livingroom. Tomorrow I was gonna go down to the firehouse for them to install it properly since I didn't know what I was doing. I sat down on the couch and Chris sat near me, his eyes still lingering on my stomach. "So what's up? I haven't heard from you in months and that phone call was random as shit."

"I know - I've been fucked up the last couple months. You ain't been hittin' me either, I'm overhere wondering what's going on with the baby and any information I do get is second hand."

"Whose fault is that? I tried to include you on everything when I first found out but you had other shit to do. And then, when I needed you to come through for me you spun me like I wasn't having your baby. I figured you weren't interested in being a father so why would I keep trying to make you."

"I'm not interested in being a father? Type shit is that... I never told you that shit."

"You didn't have to. All that shit you spat at the beginning means nothing because you haven't done anything you said you were gonna do. Listen - I'm on light duty and I shouldn't be getting upset, so if you came to argue then I don't want to and we can stop this conversation now."

"I didn't come to argue. I came to apologize - I'm sorry, I expected you to keep me updated on shit without me having to do nothin. Seeing you, belly all swole with my child in there is making me regret missing majority of this process."

Chris dug into his pocket and pulled out some money. Mostly twenties and fifties with a few hundred sprinkled in there I watched as he counted off and sat a lot of it on the table in front of me. I appreciated the money - I'm not gonna sit here and act like I didn't. "That's not to make up for what I missed but it's step in the right direction."

"Where is this coming from?" His change of heart was random and him dropping money on me was just as spontaneous as his phone call. "You sick or somethin?"

Chris laughed and shook his head. "Nah man, I'm just stepping up that's all. I'm trying to be responsible now so, from this day forward - I want to know about all the doctor's appointments and anything else that you want me to show up to. Anything you need, I'm gonna be here for now. We're family - despite the fact that we ain't together and I need to make sure that you're good at all times."

His sudden change in behavior had me worried but I didn't say anything. I kept my concerns to myself and collected the money from the table. Seventeen hundred was enough for a start, I've probably spent that much just on things for the baby anyway. "Well, since you're here - you can start by putting together some of this shit. I was gon' have my uncle do it, but I haven't caught up with him yet."

Chris agreed and I took him up to the bedroom where the baby would be sleeping. My mother had moved all of her office stuff into the basement, turning it into her private office so he could have somewhere to sleep. The crib, the bassinet, the dresser, and the changing table still needed to be put together so I could finish properly decorating his room. I could look at Chris and tell that he was overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that was in the room and I laughed. "You don't have to do everything tonight. Just whatever you're comfortable with. I'm gonna go lay down for a minute though, I'm tired."

"Alright. I'll let myself out once I've finished." I nodded and left him to put everything together, silently praying that he didn't fuck nothing up.