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[desireeeotero-blog]

Thank you, next!

I’m going to do my mushy, uplifting, “I found ____ this year,” “2020 I’m coming for ya,” post now, instead of on NYE. BREAKIN THE CLICHE Y’ALL!!! 

This past year... was supposed to be “my year.” I made many plans for myself this year, but I also made many fails at bringing those plans to life - yikes. BUT IT’S OKAY! This year is an even more special attempt because its a new decade.. what better motivation than being able to step out of the last 10 years of bullshit?! 

This year has been a year of growth for me, and i’m not just talkin’ about my weight, y’all. Really, I’ve been growing since March of 2018, but strides were made this year. Strides that I didn't even realize were being made. I’ve always been super hard on myself and I never notice improvements within myself, but today it all hit me. 

I used to fight so hard for friendships or relationships. Okay- Ive ALWAYS gone above and beyond for the people I care about, BUT, with these I was trying even harder to make sure our friendships/relationships stayed in tact. I was ignoring the fact that I was the only person putting in any effort and in doing so, I didn't realize I was draining myself. I didn't realize that it would run me so thin.

This year I drifted away from a friend that I held very near and dear to my heart. A person I considered a best friend. Someone I once used to do everything with. The person I’d call just to tell them something funny I thought of or just to see what they were doing in that moment in time. After first I was pretty sad about it so I reached out yet again to make things right. Everything was fine for a month, then life happened and I got busy.  I got too busy to reach out every day and I realized, they weren't reaching out either. Just to see if they would at some point reach out, I didn't make any attempts. Not one attempt was made on their end. The sadness in me just started to disappear. I thought about it day to day, but only because I was questioning why it wasn't effecting me like it did before. Why was I actually not wondering what they were doing? Why did I not care to call and mend things like I always did? 

After some deep thinking, I realized that I wasn’t stressing myself out about whether or not I had called them today or why we hadn't spoken. I realized that what I once thought was a “friendship” was more of a burden. I felt.... free. Which is just so crazy to me because this is someone I would've went to the end of the world for. Someone I thought so highly of.... or at least I thought. Thinking back on it, it was more of me seeking approval from this person. I definitely got the 2 mixed up. 

I am not one to believe in horoscopes or mercury being in retrograde, but I am a firm believer in souls knowing their way. I strongly believe that we meet everyone for a reason. I’m not talking about the casual “oh hey whats up,”  I’m talking about the friendships/relationships we invest in. The ones that we put our energy and efforts into. I think that each friendship/relationship takes us on different roads that are in turn, leading us to our final destination. 

I hate hate HATE referencing my ex, but its honestly just such a prime opportunity to mention the lessons i’ve learned. If I wouldnt have dated my most recent ex, I would’ve never met some of the best friends I’ve met. I wouldn’t have found my worth, and I wouldnt have learned to let go of things that are consuming me. I’ve learned that I’m learning to handle things so differently and I love it. Certain scenarios i’ve recently faced that I’ve been incredibly mature and understanding of, are scenarios that I would've blown up and acted like a damn child about before.  Without drifting away from this friend, I wouldve never learned to be courageous and leap into the things I truly love because I was terrified of judgment. 

it’s crazy that we don't really realize the journey we’re on until we start making strides in the opposite direction. TAKE THAT LEAP! CUT OFF THOSE FRIENDSHIPS. LOSE THE SHITTY BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND! DO THINGS FOR YOU. It’s going to hurt like hell, but once you’ve healed, and I promise you will, it is the MOST FREEING FEELING you will ever feel. Your vision will become more and more clear. I never thought I would be happy after all I went through, because well, I thought that was my future. I thought that was supposed to be my happy. Once I decided to let go and breathe, I started to see more clear.  I started realizing things more and more and I started my journey in the RIGHT direction. Contrary to what people say, BURN THE DAMN BRIDGE. If it’s something or someone that is meant to be in our life, the bridge will be rebuilt and will be more sturdy than ever. I’ve rebuilt a bridge this year, and it has been the best bridge I’ve ever crossed again. 

Taking my past and using it as lessons of growth has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I look at what used to hurt me, and I use it to fuel me. This year I am so incredibly thankful for the past relationships and friendships that I fought so hard for. I’m thankful for the life lessons they gave me and that they led me to where I am today.

PLEASEEEEEEEEEE please please stop bringing yourself down because you don’t know where you want to be in life. because you’re hurt from your past or even something currently.  Know that some of the people you hold dear to your heart are not meant to be in your life forever. We need to keep in mind that sometimes in order for people to grow closer, they need to grow alone. Sometimes people grow in different directions and thats okay! Because if they are meant to be in your life, you will both grow towards the same destination in the end. Know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this exact moment in time, with the exact people you are meant to be on this journey with. 

[desireeeotero-blog]

Anxiety

Here I am again, pretending i’m Dr. Phil. Or that anyone actually cares about what I think I have to say. Can’t stand myself sometimes.

Anxiety seems to be such a common issue these days. Everyone is experiencing it in their own way. Some more than others, some worse than others. I think it’s gotten to the point where it’s such a widespread dilemma that people don’t take it serious any more. It’s always “just calm down.” “Just don’t worry about it.” Often times it’s the people that don't experience Anxiety that are so quick to dismiss it. 

I don't ever remember having anxiety throughout my teenage years. In fact, I can tell you the exact year I started to actually experience it. It was in 2012. I think I was 19/20? Sheesh, i’m old as fuhhhh. Before then, when someone would tell me something gave them anxiety, I would tell them to grow up or just laugh because how dumb did that seem? Like just chill the fuck out and breathe, homegirl. it’s not that serious. I was wrong. After 8 years of toxic relationships, not only did I understand what Anxiety was, but I was experiencing it to what seemed to be the fullest extent. I became the person that would say “omg this is giving me anxiety” “my anxiety is insane right now” and I am not proud to say, that I am still that person. I thought after ridding myself of shitty exes and people in my life, that I would be better and it would go away, it didn’t. Still living with it, still learning from it, and more importantly, still trying to grow from it. 

I haven't ever really cared to discuss it because I just didn’t think anyone needed to know about my issues or that it mattered to anyone. But now as I get older and want to start settling down and laying out the rest of my life, it’s a lingering problem. I find it still messing up things that I really want for myself. Still messing with my mindset and still bringing me down even on my best days. 

For people that don’t understand it, just imagine being in the absolute best mood of your life. Everything is going great. All of the sudden, the world stops and one little thing (that usually doesn't even matter) turns your whole world upside down. Me, for example, my biggest trigger is communication. My exes communicated with everyone but me - assholes. So if someone doesn't communicate something to me, I panic. Literally panic. My heart rate gets to 140-160 resting. My mind is filled with self doubt. Like uhhhh are they not talking to me because they found someone better to talk to? Did I do something wrong? Are they mad at me? Did I look ugly today? It’s things that are so fucking silly, that really destroy you. Like okay Desiree, didn't know someone had to text you every 30 seconds to prove that they care about you. It affects me because Usually when my exes weren't talking to me, it meant they were out hyping up another girl and making her feel on top of the world while I was at home in the dumps feeling like scum of the world.

I can’t tell you how anxiety affects other people but I can tell you from my experience that it’s very real and there is NOTHING you can do about it in that moment. Some people might have things that settle their mind and calm them down, but for others, there might not be anything that calms them down but time and reassurance. One thing that DEFINITELY will not calm anyone down is someone telling them “Just calm down.” “it’s not that big of a deal” YES THE FUCK IT IS, SUSAN. if you don't have anxiety and don't understand it, imagine having your heart broken by the person you cared most about and someone telling you, “oh well. shit happens.” Thats the equivalent of telling someone with anxiety to just forget about it.

Now, when someone tells me they're having anxiety, I will be the first person to try and distract their mind from it. I will be the first person to be there for you because I know how it feels and I know how bad it can affect you. I know where the feeling can take your mind and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not even the slightest bit of anxiety. 

Stop being so hard on and judgmental of other people. They might be living with something that you can't see. The smallest insult to them can destroy every ounce of self confidence they have worked so hard to get back. Be patient and don't dismiss their problems because they don't seem real to you. 

Finally understanding what 8 years of my life did to me has changed the way I view things and treat other people. it’s taken me 1.5 years to be able to openly talk about the struggles I face and when I tell you I have made strides with being psycho, I have seriously made strides lol to know that one day I’ll finally overcome the constant battle in my mind, brings me solace. My goal for the rest of this year is to try and remember that just because someone isn't talking to me for hours on end, doesn’t mean they don't care. Baby steps, yall. baby steps.

I hope that anyone who takes time to read this damn novel, realizes that one day it'll all be over and, you'll too, find solace in the things you thought would destroy you forever. 

[desireeeotero-blog]

I just love you

Well I’m sure I just love you!!!

[desireeeotero-blog]

No question just really cool reading this from someone who always seemed to have it together. I appreciate the honesty and it really does help to know that other people feel the way you feel. Thanks for this read!

thanks for reading it 🥰❤️

[desireeeotero-blog]

False Reality

This past year has been a year of mental growth for me. I’m pretty sure I even started the year with the cliche: “tHiS iS gOnNa Be My YeAr.” - It wasn’t. 

I battled so many inner demons. I fought way too hard for relationships that I should’ve just let go. I did way too much for friends that wouldn’t do shit for me.  I cared about what people thought, when I shouldn’t have. I spent so much time wishing I had certain luxuries instead of working for them. Would I redo 2019 if I could with a different approach? no. Absofudginlutely not. I am so thankful that I had little epiphanies throughout the year that put me in the mindset i’m in now. 

This year, I went through a phase of deleting my social media accounts. I deleted snapchat for a month. I thought it would be so hard to not have it, but after a few days, It was so relieving to not wake up and want to see what everyone was doing while I was sleeping. Little susie was still getting drunk every night, Mike was still posting shirtless workout pics,  Margaret was still documenting her every move, and blah blah BLAH. WHY WAS I KEEPING UP WITH WHAT THEY WERE DOING! Literally did nothing for me but waste my MF’N time. After deleting snapchat, I told myself I was going to delete instagram, so I did. For a week. I have to admit, it was pretty hard the first day or two because I had become so accustomed to checking it every time I picked my phone up. Countless times I found myself aimlessly scrolling through content that didn't really intrigue or benefit me. After the 3rd day, it was easier and refreshing in a sense. My screen time went from 8/9 hours a day to 4/5. I found myself listening to more podcasts, investing more time in the growth of my business, and scrolling through pinterest looking at things that I actually enjoyed and wanted to see. 

i’m not saying social media is awful and everyone should delete theirs, but I am encouraging you to delete it for a few days and realize how refreshing and reviving it is to not compare yourself or waste your time every day. One of the biggest reasons that sparked interest in deleting my accounts was that I found myself comparing myself to other peoples lives. I’d wake up, grab my phone, and start my day by looking at what other people were doing with their lives. I started my day jealous of the people that were traveling and infuriating myself because I had to go to work. Looking at the new Louis Vuitton that someone bought and becoming so incredibly jealous that I contemplated spending my money on the same one because I just HAD to have it. Even when I knew, there were other things that were far more important than a designer handbag, Like my bills. Those temptations were something that I indulged in before even stepping foot out of my bed. It began to make me start my days with a negative mindset. “I hate my job. i’d rather be in Miami.” So when I went to work, I was in a terrible mood and only putting 40% effort- actually probably less, into my work for the day. 

All we see on social media is what people ALLOW YOU TO SEE!! No one ever thinks about that. Shit, I’m guilty of only posting the positives in my life. As if I want people to see my struggles. We base our expectations off a false reality that social media has created for us at the tip of our fingers. Granted, some people do show you the good, the bad, and the ugly- 90% of people DO NOT.  Some people envy a few of my friends relationships that they see on social media, when in reality- I know they’re shit relationships. But a picture of them kissing with a caption confessing their love for each other would never let you know, that homeboy cheated on homegirl and they're currently fighting every day to try and get past not trusting each other. The Gucci belt homeboy bought homegirl, seems like a grand gesture, but in reality he’s making up for getting belligerent drunk and verbally abusing his girlfriend. You don't see that. So in turn you think your boyfriend’s shitty because he’s not buying you a Gucci belt.

I think the best thing to happen to me this year, was self realization. I can now scroll through social media and not believe every thing I see. My expectations are different and my mindset is more clear. I’m not going to end this ridiculous rant with “2020 is gonna be my year,” cause it’s probably not, BUT I will make sure that it comes with more growth. 

Thanks for coming to my unasked for Ted talk. You’re welcome.  

[desireeeotero-blog]

Two souls don’t find each other by simple accident.

Jorge Luis Borges (via wordsnquotes)