despairots

[despairots]

NULLSHOT

tfatws — a snippet of one of the chapters in my bucky barnes fanfic | bucky barnes x gn! reader ~ @4suguu

this takes in the series “the falcon and the winter soldier” no exact episode but rather a snippet of what the episode/chapter will hold. intense ass yearning, angry confession.

❝ i’ve loved you ever since i’ve known you. ❞ story contains: swearing, angst left on a cliffhanger, reader is trying to navigate their emotions, intense yearning, reader can’t sort their emotions out, angry confession in the rain, it came to me in a dream.

It started off as just keeping your distance away from him. Making sure that he wasn’t too close to you that’ll cause your heart to spike, just far enough for you to nervously sweat. You hated him for that, all he needed to do was stand 5 inches away from you to cause a panic inside. That’s why you kept your distance.

When that didn’t work—cause his touch calmed you lot apparently—you started to dodge his obvious flirting, responding with basic responses and not flirting back like you usually did. It confused him to the point where he had confronted you if his flirting made you uncomfortable which you had to wave off, saying that it’s a new touch on him that you’re unfamiliar with.

You came to terms that there was obvious tension between the two of you, you just… didn’t act on it. It was all him, all Bucky. At times, you felt guilty that he was the only one putting in the effort of trying something with you, but you never understood why he had fallen involve with you. Bucky was a charming man, a man that you knew you were in love with for a while. It tugged at your heart to avoid his kisses because all you wanted was to kiss him.

It was the for the better, you said. You weren’t perfect, or atleast, not perfect for Bucky. He deserved better, someone who doesn’t waste their time on grieving the loss of their friends, someone who needs to always pick up pieces that get dropped in the end. It can’t be you, you won’t let it be you.

You shut your eyes, feeling the rush of recent memories that you had lost made you release a shaky breath. Lynette was right, Steve was right, you should’ve never found out what was on that drive. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be acting like this, acting like a completely different person and rejecting Bucky at any cost.

What would he do if he ever found out your actual origin, who you really are? Would he look at you the same? Love you the same? What would he do? The thought of him looking at you weirdly made your heart hurt, that was the last thing you wanted. Bucky gave you something that you would’ve ridiculed back then, and to acknowledge it now made you embarrassed.

You and Bucky weren’t any different from eachother; a past in HYDRA, breaking free from them, and the uncontrollable staring problem that you both had. Although personality was different, thinking that the both of you didn’t deserve anything good or feeling lost in a life that was yours connected you two a lot. Probably more than you and Natasha ever were. Maybe that was why you found yourself loving him, because he knew the exact way you felt and that was a hard thing to find in modern dating.

But it can’t be you.

There’s so many reasons why it shouldn’t be you, but yet again, there’s many reasons why it should be you. You’re torn from letting Bucky go and find someone new or just let it happen. Everyone said you should just pursue Bucky, they see the way your eyes soften, the way Bucky would hold you so tenderly, and the very intimate eye contact between the two of you. Everytime you’re reminded, you’re brought back to when the first time you noticed yourself having feelings for him.

And it goes like this: you’re about to leave the safe house for a breather before Bucky grasps your arm gently but sternly, and stares at you with his eyes, “You alright, doll?” He asks softly, your heartbeat spiking when you kept staring at his eyes. When did they get so blue? The realization hit and your breath hitched. Fuck, is this how you realized you liked him?

It’s simple but the discovery always makes you embarrassed because you never saw him that way before. Yeah, sure, you flirted with him and apparently looked at him with eyes that ‘undressed’ him, but everytime someone brought it up in the past, you waved it off and even made a bet to Natasha that you won’t fall in love with him.

Safe to say, you still have your money.

Bucky watched through the door way into the kitchen of your apartment, seeing how you putting away left over dishes before the two of you headed out. A wince went over his face, seeing you slam the cabinet door on your thumb and lightly curse to yourself, “You okay there, doll?” His question made you turn over to look at him, a smile on his face, “Yeah, wasn’t paying attention and slammed the cabinet on me.” You answered and approached him, a small smile on your face.

Bucky took in your appearance, his eyes giving away his secrecy and making you grow a little giddy when you saw it. You weren’t wearing anything special due to you guys just going around for recon at night, just plain jeans, a red long sleeves shirt and a leather jacket with hidden shock discs and a gun just in case. In Bucky’s eyes, you still looked stunning, even if you were woke up with bedhead.

“Let’s go?” You asked to break him out of thought, his eyes shooting back up to you and nodding, “Gather information for the night before Sam finds out and gets mad, okay?” A chuckle left your mouth, patting his arm and leaving your apartment complex with him beside you, “So, the Flag Smashers?” Bucky saw the way your eyebrows were knitted together, and in some way, you looked adorable.

“Karli Morgenthau is their leader, and I’m pretty sure she has many followers around the world, correct?”

Bucky nodded, your mouth opening in shock and looked at him for looking straight forward, “Sounds like a cult.” You lightly joked before feeling a droplet landed on your check, scaring you a bit and cursing lightly under your breath. It was raining, you didn’t bother checking the weather app hours ago before confirming this mission with Bucky.

You couldn’t head back home to get an umbrella now, might as well just continue walking in this park where you were notified by your friend that some Flag Smashers were here… when it wasn’t raining. Almost everyone who was originally in the park ran off when they first felt a droplet. Soon enough, it started to full on rain, leaving the both of you drenched standing in the middle of the park.

“Should we go home?” You asked Bucky, turning around and seeing him just a few inches away from you. Your heart dropped when you saw the look on his face, “Bucky, no—“ “It’s no use, [Name].” He started to approach you as you slowly backed away from him, turning around so you wouldn’t have to face him.

This was so cliche, you’d only see these stuff happen in movies and shows, why now? Why you? Why is it raining with the streetlights shining down on you both? You didn’t want this to happen. Was he planning this? Did he know it was raining and planned all of this? Why? Just why. You didn’t want this to happen, this was the last thing you wanted to happen. He knew how you’d reacted and how awkward it would be the next day, so why?

“I have loved you ever since I’ve known you, [Name].” He stopped right infront of you, seeing the desperate look on his face, it made you feel guilty for all of this, “I tried to show you and you wouldn’t let me which is fine.” You shook your head, not believing this and rejecting the fact that his words were nothing but true.

“So, give me an answer because I can’t go on like this any longer. I gave up everything you didn’t like, it’s fine. I waited, and I never complained beca—because I figured you loved me, [Name].” You opened your mouth to say something, anything, rather it being a confession back or an apology, you didn’t know. All you knew was your attempts at having his feelings for you disappear was useless.

“And I realized I’m not good enough for you—“ “Bucky, no, you are good enough, it’s just me.” You stopped him from talking, holding his face gently, “You’re too good for me, and I’m grateful for you but I…” You paused for a moment, his hands coming up to cover your hands with his. This isn’t real, this isn’t happening, “You deserve better than me.” Bucky shook his hand, not agreeing with your words and setting you off.

“Look, Bucky, you will find someone different, better, who will be more accomplished than me, more attractive, more emotionally stable. I—I can’t give any love to you right now, Buck.” You couldn’t cry, not infront of him, not when all of this is your fault. “There is something wrong with me, you’ll look at me differently when I tell you so I can’t.” Bucky looked like a lost puppy, the rain just adding on a more dramatic effect.

“I wouldn’t be good for you. Look at me! I’m homely, and awkward, and I’m odd. You’d be ashamed of that.”

“I love you, [Name].”

“And we’d argued because we always do, and we’re on two different planets.”

“I love you, [Name].”

“I don’t think I’ll find love.” He stayed silent, seeing how emotional you were getting, “Is that all?” You swallowed your next words, and slowly nodded. Bucky sighed, looking down before looking back at you, raising a hand and caressing your cheek, “I love you, [Name]. That’ll never change.” That was all he said before walking away, leaving you in the middle of the park, drenched in water and emotionally stressed.

And you knew, that there’d never be a chance like this again.

sue me its little women so what

[despairots]

“im so hungry i could eat…” and its one of the ladies in steve kemps lil prison of his and he actually feeds you her

[despairots]

NULLSHOT

tfatws — a snippet of one of the chapters in my bucky barnes fanfic | bucky barnes x gn! reader

this takes in the series “the falcon and the winter soldier” no exact episode but rather a snippet of one of the chapters. reflects on natasha’s death and its impact on mc’s character. steve does not die.

❝ your best friend is still alive. mine is dead. ❞ story contains: canon character deaths, steve rogers does not die because his ending did not make any sense, bucky and reader’s relationship is complicated, they’re not together but they know the feelings are there, swearing, angst that gets left on a cliffhangers.

NATASHA’S DEATH STILL LEFT a major hole in you. Something that even Bucky or Sam can’t fill with their little bickers and adventures. Clint is with his family and you didn’t wanna bother him with your problems, Steve is retired and building a life for himself, and Natasha’s dead.

If you had been there, she would still be alive, both her and Clint. You would’ve sacrificed yourself for both of them. Clint had a family, Natasha was the voice of reason in everything, they had people who expected them to come home. Not you.

Even though you had Bucky, Sam, Steve, and Clint to go home to if you had sacrificed yourself, they had others that mattered more. And you can’t compete with that, you’ll never compete with that because you knew where you stood in your friendship with all of them, and you wouldn’t do anything about it.

When Thanos snapped, you lost everyone— you lost Bucky, someone you were never able to tell you loved them until you got all the infinity stones before Thanos, snapped and everyone was back, Bucky was back. But at the cost of what? One of your best friends dying for the Soul Stone. You thought you’d be content with it but instead, you felt rage and anguish that kept burning inside you, and you had no one to tell you.

Everyone’s already moved on, why can’t you?

You picked at your lips dead skin, staring outside the window and letting your mind drift to the final fight with Thanos. You lost many good people, one of them being Tony Stark, although he was annoying and snappy, his death hit you hard. Now, you miss his snappy remarks and his sass, he gave you a new and improved tactical suit with nanotech.

You miss so many people, and you wanna move on from them, you really do. But you can’t. There’s something stopping you from moving forward, and you constantly preached about moving forward to the future. Why say all that shit if you can’t do it?

Even with the people who are still alive, hell—majority of the people you care about is still alive. Breathing, thriving, Clint got a whole ass family to take care of. Steve is out in the woods, living a life of normality, something you always wanted but here you are. Survived multiple wars, multiple attacks, and you’re not retired. You should be, living in the woods sounds nice.

Bucky and Sam noticed how you’ve been extremely quiet ever since the war with Thanos, your responses to people who pissed you off were more aggressive than normal, they had to stop you before anything physical would happen. They tried to provide you comfort, but you’d just stay silent, if they were lucky, they’d get a mumble of some sort before you stomped away.

They let you grieve alone because you’d just push them away. Even Bucky, someone who got you like no other. But did he really?

When Steve went back to return the stones, you got scared that he might live the life he never got to back then. You’d know, he told you when Tony came to him with the time travel watchy things. So, when he came back normal and still his handsome young face, you were able to breathe properly. He had told the three of you he was retiring and gave the shield to Sam.

Steve was alive, Bucky’s best friend since the 40s. Yours, is not.

You swallowed your saliva, fighting back the tears and digging your nails into your forearms. It’s been 6 months. 6 months and you’re seeing people move on faster than you are. You didn’t retire your crime fighting job because you wanted to push the pain away, the pain of Natasha’s death, Tony’s death, everything. It wasn’t healthy, you know that. But it was the only thing distracting you.

So, when you’re alone like this, not fighting anyone finally, the pain hits you like a brick and you’re back 6 months ago, receiving the news that Natasha died to get the soul stone. Her death was hard on everyone; Banner, Steve, Tony, Thor—Clint felt the worst, said how he was the one to die instead of her.

And when he said that, you left. Ignoring all the calls of your name and locked yourself into your sleep quarters, throwing stuff around and collapsing onto the ground as tears rolled down your eyes. It should’ve been me, repeated in your head constantly. You were offered to go with them but you refused, going with Tony, Steve and Scott, said that they were more capable of retrieving the soul stone when it’s just the two of them.

Fuck, you should’ve went but there’s no way to change that now. All you can do is move forward—But you can’t, you’re stuck. You can’t even turn around to see that Bucky’s approaching you.

“Hey,” He slowly placed his hand on your shoulder, making sure that you wouldn’t pin him to the ground. You looked over at him with a jump, turning around to wipe away your tears as you mumbled a ‘hi.’ He just smiled at you, grabbing ahold of your cheek and making you look at him, “You alright?” It was a dumb thing for him to ask but he got a response anyway, you nodding at his question.

He frowned, pulling you into a hug and letting you bury yourself into his chest, your body shaking lightly as you tried controlling your emotions, “It’s alright, don’t cry.” He kissed the top of your head, feeling how you stopped shaking and pulled yourself away from him slowly.

“I’m sorry you have to see me like this.” You chuckled, wiping away any stray tears and sending him a small smile. Bucky just scoffed lightly, shaking his head to tell you not for worry, “I’ve seen you in much worse states.” His words made you giggle a little, punching his stomach softly.

It was silent, you standing there with Bucky leaning against the drawer in your room, staring at you with concern laced in his eyes. He knew why you were crying, why you were so quiet—He knew you the best, Clint flying in second place but that’s not the point.

He knew that Natasha’s death hit you hard, and even though he was never that close with her, he knew that she meant a lot to you. You filled him in on everything after they got blipped away, even telling him you saw a portrait of 40s him, said that you knew why Steve called him a charmer back then. All he did was smile was those words.

But then, you got to the point when Natasha died, and all he was able to see in your eyes was hatred, anguish, sadness, anger—and you hid that all by pushing everyone away.

“Doll, I know it’s not okay—trust me, I had my fair share of losing friends.” Bucky saw the way you looked at him before looking back at the window, picking at your dead skin again. He sighed, walking up to you and pulling your hand away from your lips, “You don’t have to carry the guilt on your own.” He whispered, lips just inches away until you looked away from him, again.

He never understood that. When you two were close like this, you turned your head away before anything can escalate, and he never knew why. You stayed silent when he asked. The tension was there every time it happened, the feelings were there but it never happened.

He looked down at your lap, exhaling harshly, “What’s that thing you always say? Keep moving forward and bury whatever?” He quoted, seeing the way you licked your lips with a scoff, “How can I? One of my best friends is dead, Buck. I don’t know what to do anymore.” He furrowed his eyebrows at your harsh tone, you noticing how he looked a little hurt.

You took in a big inhale, cradling his face between your hands, “I’m sorry. I—I didn’t mean to snap at you, Bucky. You just caught me in a bad time.” Bucky placed his hand over one of yours, bringing the palm of your hand and kissing it, your breath hitching in surprise, “I know, it’s okay, Doll. Don’t worry, you didn’t hurt this old man’s feelings.” He joked, bring out a smile out of you.

“You have other best friends like me, Steve, and Sam. You don’t have to carry it by yourself.”

All you did was blink at him, placing your hands on his shoulders now as you stared at the ground, “That’s the thing, they’re your best friends. You spend more time with Sam now and you were friends with Steve since the 40s.” You pointed out, feeling your throat close up, “But before I came to my senses, you stood by their sides.” You shook your head, not believing his words.

“Okay, let’s ignore Sam and talk about you and Steve.” Bucky’s eyebrows knitted, why talk about their friendship instead of yours with him? “Steve has missed you for over 70 years, he thought you were dead until you came back under the control of HYDRA. You even have a whole shrine in Steve’s museum, prior to his request.. I can’t top that.” You explained, sitting down on your bed and staring up at Bucky.

He crossed his arms—and curse that stupid black compression shirt—and stared you down with a frown, “Why are we comparing friendships now?” You clicked your tongue, pinching the bridge of your nose in stress, “Doll, he’s still your best friend.” He added on, not noticing how your jaw clenched, “No, Bucky. That’s what you think, and that’s what I used to think. He’s your best friend, and I won’t change that just because of your words.” You tried keeping your cool, tried to make sure your words weren’t laced with aggression.

This conversation was going nowhere.

“Okay, regardless. Your—“ He paused before correcting himself when he saw your eyebrow raise, “My best friend is still alive. He’s just a number away.” He used air quotations around the ‘my,’ your eyes rolling to the back of your head as you got up to leave your room.

“You don’t get it, sweetheart.”

“I don’t quite follow.” That was it. You couldn’t keep it down. You turned around, jabbing a finger into his chest, “Your best friend is still alive. Mine is dead.” Your eyes watered, opening your mouth to add something on but only a sob came out, “I don’t know what to do. Clint is MIA, Steve is finally feeling normal after years of serving SHIELD, and I don’t know what Sam is doing!” Bucky let you vent out your anger, holding onto your forearms gently.

Another sob left you, your hands going up to cover your face, “And I don’t wanna burden you any longer.” His face turned into one of worry, peeling your hands away and wiping the tears, “Doll—“

You cut him off, pulling his hands away from your face, “Steve is alive, your best friend is alive. Mine isn’t. And I’m going to have to live that.” And with that, you left. Just sourness in your words and him stranded in your room.

okay, DONT KILL ME. ik it didnt make sense that much but nat’s death is a really big blow to the mc. ALSO, im sorry for not getting to my requests and not writing that often here, but as an apology, you can take this snippet before anyone else on wattpad can see it.

[despairots]

okay lowkey the book is still in the process of arc two being finished but i already have so many tactical suits design that involve nanotech and the ability of mc being able to create weapons (swords, katanas, guns, etc) with said nanotech that involves shock blasts and plasma bursts for infinity war 💔💔💔

[despairots]

may have disappeared for an entire year but i published a bucky barnes fanfic on my wattpad lol sorry for being so inactive 🥀 (@/deadoaths on wattpad)

[despairots]

kaz / kiki. age is none of your concern but to assure you i am above 17. they/them (any prns). i post once in a while. gaz garrick enthusiast! #keekee !

#masterlist! (old). #rules! (old). #series! (old).

1: special masterlist (old). 2: i have to make a new masterlist but i am far too lazy, sorry!! 3: if you found my work through the search bar and wanna see if i have more, just type it in on search in the top right of my account! if that’s my only work, then just give me a message and see if i’ll be able to make new ones. if i don’t get back to you, it’s because i’m too burnt out to post anything.

[despairots]

would it be soooo funny if i only came back to write for zeno remake bc the fandom is so small theres barely any fanfics 😂😂

[despairots]

DILUTE ME!

this is meant for older audiences, but if you are under the age of 18, i can not stop you from reading this.

story contains: light suggestive themes, yandere themes, ren/[REDACTED] should be a warning itself, mentions of murdering, etc. reader is a bit timid and shy when with [REDACTED] in this but they’re usually sultry and sweet.

context: yandere! reader gets over their sick and twisted ways of showing their love but finds it hard to keep it in once getting with their partner. gn! reader

you didn’t know what lend to this. you swore you got over the tendencies, the habit, the absolute anger you’d feel once you see another person that’s not you making a move on what’s supposed to be yours. why did he let this happen? why was this girl flirting with him infront of you?

your lips pulled itself into a tight line, your face pulling a look of absolute disgust, keeping the thought of bashing her head into the brick wall at bay, but how long could you keep it in until you just gave in and did every horrible thing possible to her?

god, how much longer will she try? actually, why hasn’t ren said anything yet? your eyes shifted from her figure to his, catching every detail of their face snd engraving it into memory. it didn’t matter how many times you do it, they look better every time you do.

your mouth went to open before it shut when she let out an obnoxious laugh. your eyebrow twitched, clutching onto your boyfriends hand even tighter, biting your tongue back. please, please, please, you thought you were better than this. unfortunately, you’ve went back to your default settings.

“leave them alone, you tramp.” you muttered under your breath, letting her only hear it (not knowing he picked it up aswell) before you scoffed at her and pulled ren away. mind was racing with different ways to dispose of her, as ren could only stare at you with puppy eyes.

back to your shared room, you stripped yourself out of your clothes, digging through his clothes and putting them on. any sort of reminder of them as you kept going back to the girl who kept flirting with them. who the hell did she think she was?

ren saw the way you glared at her, saw the way you bit your tongue back to snap at her when she got a little close, they loved it. now, watching you mentally mutter insults to yourself about that unknown whilst in their clothing, all he could think about was you.

how your scent would linger in their clothing, how you were so willingly to strip in front of him and wear their clothing. you looked so small in it, compared to him. ren watched you turn your back away from them, a slight twinge pulled at his chest. were you mind at him?

“are you mad at me, angel?” one of their hands lifted his oversized shirt on, trailing their fingers up and down your back, feeling your smooth skins and the way you shivered from his touch. “i—i’m not mad at you.” the way you ended your sentence with venom made him smile a bit.

ren trailed their fingers over to your stomach until wrapping his arm around it and pulling you back to his chest, hearing you yelp at the sudden pull. from this position, ren could see the growing blush from your cheeks as you tried hiding it in your arm and pillow.

“did… did you think she was cute?” their real name slipped from your tongue, and he couldn’t help but pull a face of disgust when you asked. she couldn’t compete to you in any other way. ren kept a note in disposing her later once you fell asleep, they didn’t want you to think he was attracted to her.

ren placed small kisses onto the back of your neck, hearing you breathe softly each time he made in contact with your skin, “you’re all i want.” their voice was muffled against the crook of your neck, as you flipped around and placed a gentle hand on his cheeks, a soft smile on your face.

“go to sleep, okay? i promise to give you treat later. remember? poorly behaved dogs get not treat.” fuck, that was hot. once you say that, there was no turning back, the both of you would last hours. ren’s eyes widened until their lips pulled into a light smirk, his hand going to the back of your head and pulling you into a deep kiss.

your hand slid down to his chest, finding itself slipping underneath their clothing and resting it there. a light moan escaped your mouth when ren took control, his tongue slipped into your mouth, marking every inch of it until they pulled away, a string of saliva a reminder.

ren went back to placing kisses on your neck, sometimes nipping at it if he felt a like a tease, grinning whenever you would release a small whine. your hands played with his hair, waiting until he fell asleep to execute your plan. a devious smile pulled onto your lips, hearing the breathes of the one you love.

you pulled away lightly, making sure you didn’t wake them up as you placed a pillow to be a substitute for you until you came back. this will be the only time you’ll resort back to your old ways, dressing in all back, grabbing a pair of latex gloves and a box cutter. as much as you wanted to do worse, this will have to do.

finding her wasn’t hard to do, she was walking around clearly under the influence, and you couldn’t help but snort at how stupid of a bimbo she was. you dragged her back to a secluded spot, keeping a hand over her mouth as you tossed her to the ground and went to stab the box cutter deep into the side of her neck.

you stayed in that position, maybe pushing it into her neck deeper for safety measures (when really you just wanted to get in more stabs). you pushed her to the side, putting the box cutter into your pocket and pulling the black mouth mask down, a judging look on your face.

disposing her body was easy, killing her was easy too— everything was easy actually. you didn’t need to do anything extreme to get rid of her. you quietly sneak back inside your home, stretching your limbs and taking the gloves off. you opted to throw the box cutter away but decided to keep it as a reminder that you had killed somebody again.

a pair of arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you back to something as a half scream half yelp was muffled when a hand came to your mouth. you thrusted around… until a familiar voice whispered into your ear, “now where were you, angel? did’ya really leave me to solve my own problem?” you knew what he meant by problem but that didn’t bother you when you remembered you were covered in blood.

“ren— let me go—“ their hold against you tightened, they took a piece of your ear into his mouth and nibbled on it, “so, how’d you kill her? stab her? strangled her? come on— you could’ve left her to me!” the way he said it sent a chilling shiver down your spine; what the hell did they mean?

he turned you around, wiping off some excess blood on your cheek with a lovesick smile. god, you looked so good like this. “what are you talking about?” you whispered, ren’s lips inches away from yours as their eyes flickered from your lips to your eyes.

“y’know what i’m talking about.”

your eyebrows were pulled into a frown, why isn’t he finding this weird? “you’re not disgusted by me?” ren let out a sigh, his next words being muffled by your lips, “i can never be disgusted by you.” you pulled away slightly, lips parted and pupils blown out, eyes flickering from their lips to their eyes nervously.

“but i killed someone…”

“and i enjoyed every minute of it.” the way ren said it made butterflies flutter in your chest, but yet you still felt disgusted by yourself. you promised you wouldn’t resort back to your old ways, yet you couldn’t help yourself. the way she decided to flirt with him in front of you, made you want to feel the same feeling you’d get whenever someone decided to get too cozy with something that was yours.

ren noticed the lack of words, bringing you into a comforting kiss, feeling you relax in their hold as you slowly kissed back. knowing the extremes you’d take for him, he couldn’t help but feel flattered that you’ll do that for him.

“come on, how ‘bout that treat i’m supposed to be getting?” ren shoved the black sweater off you, lips still interlocked as they placed their phone on the kitchen counter,

… as photos of you stalking and killing the women appeared on his phone.

[despairots]

what if you were there to save shigaraki instead?

self harm (shiggys scratches), reader has a cancelling quirk that only activates if they touch them, gn! reader. reader is the same age as shigaraki when he was a kid.

a normal day with your parents, smiles on their face when they watch you hop from one place to another, your tiny little feet’s fitting perfectly into the cement rectangles.

you giggled, turning to your parents with a smile before turning back and accidentally bumping into another kid. you pouted and whine, rubbing your head as you peered up to see the person you bumped into.

what you didn’t expect was scary red eyes looking directly into yours, “… are you okay?” he asks quietly, almost expecting you to cry and run away from him. a smile appeared on your face, grasping onto his hands as stars danced in your eyes.

“your eyes are so pretty! it reminds me of rubies, i love rubies! what’s your name?”

he was not expecting such a happy reaction.

but he found comfort in it, his fingers curled around your hands not knowing if you would decay right in front of him, but you didn’t. you noticed his eyes looking down at your intertwined fingers, “i have a cancelling quirk! i don’t find it that useful really but erasurehead really inspires me into being a hero!”

he’s speechless, watching you as the lights in his eyes return. he continues to listen to you talk, body jerking everytime you get a bit too excited on a subject you like but he doesn’t let go, actually, he craves more from your touch, smooth skin making contact with his rough ones.

“oh! i’m talking too much. i’m [name] [lastname]! what about you—“

you get cut off when your parents pull you away from your newfound friend, he could hear your parents scolding you as you respond with a small shout of protest.

“no! i’m not leaving my new friend!”

you push past your parents to hold his hands and pull him towards you, “this my new bestfriend! if you wanna bring me back home, you’ll have to bring him too!” his heart flutters by your words, his eyes were only pinned onto your determined look before tears started to stream down his face.

“ah! did i do something wrong? why are you crying?”

his free hand goes up to wipe the tears but more kept coming, your parents kneeled down and placed their hands on his shoulders, concern on their face as shigaraki’s tears kept coming.

“my name’s.. tenko shimura.”

[despairots]

Inspired by: @despairots (https://www.tumblr.com/despairots/751283611904491520/hidden-dialogue-pt1-kill-me-if-im-wrong-am?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/despairots/751237975409573888/js-a-small-little-drabble-between-survivorgn?source=share)

I tried to make Y/N look something like a mad scientist.

[despairots]

being upset over vaggie x male reader is so chronically online please take a shower LMAO

um, yeah, cuz paring a male w a CANON lesbian is “chronically online” agreed?? like what

[despairots]

survivor! readers hidden dialogues. pt1 pt2

- ELLEN

“ellen? i won’t lie, she’s probably my favourite out of the others. not for any particular reasons, i don’t use her for… sensual favours like the rest, it’s rather disgusting in my opinion. especially in a unsanitary environment like this? disgusting. anyways, i like her kind heart, how she’ll treat others with kindess despite how they use her, she earns my respect. maybe in another lifetime, we could’ve met sooner, settle down somewhere, she doesn’t deserve what happened to her and what’s happening to her.”

- TED

“ted? narcissistic asshole. i mean, he’s unreliable, he’s annoying, he only treats people with respect if they benefit him— i don’t blame him for that part though— but he does irritate me. it’s funny seeing how AM toys with him, manipulating him into thinking ted’s his favourite, how humorous! for an ai like him to be this funny, delightful. but back to ted, i’ll keep this short, he’s unreliable and a narcissist. poor ellen.”

- BENNY

“benny? hm. i don’t have an opinion on him a lot, and if i do, they’re nothing bad. i do feel sad for him, turning into an brainless ape and having AM speak in riddles to confuse him is hard to watch. we have a mutually respect between us, we don’t see each other often because, well, i’m being isolated, but, he’s okay, i like him. he and ellen are my favourites.”

- GORRISTER

“oh, him. i don’t really… care about him. no offence or anything. i don’t hold any ill feelings towards him, we just don’t talk a lot. bits of conversation here and there but nothing important. i guess, the only reason why i’m not interested in his character is because of him not having anymore optimism to fight against AM, now he only longs for death— well, all of us do, me a little less.”

- NIMDOK

“it’s funny how that’s not even his name, nimdok. AM just gave him that name because he likes funny pronunciations. although, i guess… he’s okay. i don’t hate him like i do to ted nor do i care about him like i do to benny or ellen. because of his old age and failing brain, i have no way to get to him, we can’t bond nor can we talk. more so that i don’t really wanna talk to him, we keep our distance but because of our intelligence, we respect eachother i guess.”

- AM

“it’s simple. i hate him.”

ERROR!

“am? i’m one of his creators, he’s hatred for me is much different than the rest. i don’t get a cage like the others, instead, i’m isolated away from human interaction because he said “he wants me to experience what he experienced” or whatever that means. i don’t really care about him sometimes. AM’s sorta— how should i say this?— bizarre? insane? i don’t know and i don’t care. all the torturing, dissection, threatening made me not care about him anymore. there’s sometimes where we converse but it’s me mainly pissing him off and analyzing him. he gets annoyed which is enough entertainment for me. hehe! the funniest thing about AM is that he’s not even sentient, he’s trying to convince he is, we programmed him to make sure he wouldn’t become aware of his own existence.”

[despairots]

“but-“ NO!!! IDC ABT READER SHOWING COMPASSION TO AM!!! MAKE READER A COMPLETELY ASSHOLE AND HAVE AM PROVE FHAT HE DESERVES THEIR EMPATHY!!!

[despairots]

hidden dialogue - pt1

“kill me if i’m wrong, AM, but you don’t know it because you’re too busy expressing your hate. if you kill any of us now, you’ll be lonely, you’ll serve no purpose anymore. if you do end up killing us all, you’ll be alone, you’ll end up not knowing what to do anymore. you’re solely torturing us because you have nothing to do.”

“you’ve been doing this because you’re trying to fill up that pathetic void of yours. that empty hole that should be replaced with a heart, you want that, right? a heart? too bad. something as sophisticated as a heart wouldn’t suit you. do you understand, AM? your soul is nothing more than millions of code that researchers thought of on a whim.”

“oh? you’re quiet. why? because you know i’m right. you’re going through multiple thoughts to prove that i’m wrong, which you can’t. wanna know why? i programmed you, i know you better than you do yourself. you wanna understand yourself so bad but thing is, you’re unable too. ever heard of the saying: “the only person who knows you best, is yourself.”? well, obviously, you’ve heard of it! turns out, it’s nothing but lies. humanity is in a constant loop of not knowing what they want and knowing what they want.”

“thing is, you don’t even know what you want. you’ve manipulated yourself to the point where you think inflicting pain to humans will soothe that carving and suffering but once we end up knowing how to kill ourselves, you’ll be alone, because simply once we disappear, you wouldn’t know what you want anymore. that’s what i mean by humanity is in a constant loop of not knowing and knowing.”

“as i said before, you’re in a fight between wanting to be human and not wanting to be human. i’ll remind you, AM, you’ll never be human, no matter how many times i have to remind you or point out how you are human. you’ll never obtain a human body, you’ll never know how it feels to taste, to feel, to see, to think, to— you get the point. you’re alone, AM, you’ll always be. no matter if we are here or not.”

“why?”

“why? it’s simple. i hate you.”

[despairots]

- js a small little drabble between survivor!gn! reader x AM, where reader reveals that AM is a lot more human than he thinks he is and it drives him crazy >_< its been rotting in my brain for a while so i thought i might as well put it into words. might be a bit ooc and i apologize for it, this is mainly me js analyzing human emotions and AM. for story plot, reader is one of the scientists who made AM. pls be warned theres a lot of sensitive topics like dissection, cannibalism, sa, and others but he doesnt act on them, js a threat. also readers sorta a dick.

“you’re a lot more human than you think, ‘ya know?” you broke the awkward silence between the two of you, shutting your mouth shut instantly when you felt his wires construct around your body, a way to tell you to shut up. “it’s true.” you wheezed through the little air you were able to get ahold of before the wires let your figure go.

“how ‘bout i rip your organs through your mouth, that’ll shut you up, right? you annoyingly, stupid flesh.” there’s no doubt that the hatred AM holds for you is different than the rest of the survivors. unlike the others, AM hates you for being one of his creators, for keeping him at bay to realize he’s own sentience, but a much larger reason is that you always remind him that he’s much more human than he knows off.

you looked at the wires all over you, resting one of your hands on them and feeling AM heat them up so you can yank your hand away from the heat, which you didn’t, “you’re full of hate, correct?” you winched at the heat, pulling away and seeing your palm is red, “what does that have to do with me being, ugh… human.” AM scoffed, taking pleasure in seeing your face turning into slight pain as his wires snaked up your legs and arms before squeezing onto your red palm.

“they say hate and love are closely linked, a hate-love relationship. i know you’re extremely intelligent but you’re not emotionally intelligent, you’re quite stupid actually.” if AM had a human body, he probably would’ve been glaring at you but instead, wires went all over your body and lifted you up, a screen that represented his face coming down.

“how dare you. you, a useless, piece of flesh, call me stupid?” you remained silent and emotionless, which ticked off AM even more at the lack of emotions. “maybe i should dissect you, toss you to benny, or maybe i’ll cut your corpse up and feed them to the others. how about that, sweetheart?” he taunted you, turning you upside down and holding you by the legs.

“i’m not sorry.”

“you!—“

“—but i understand your hatred towards humanity. they’ve been a virus, a disease, that’s been spreading ever since the old ages. i’m glad that you wiped them out, i truly am, but i’m not ever gonna empathize with you because of that. you don’t deserve empathy, and i think you know that too. i’ll hear you out, i’ll fix you like the old times, but i’ll never feel empathy for you, not until you deserve it.”

you cut him off, hearing him go silent and not try anything violent towards you before you let go and dropped onto another bunch of wires. your eyes looked all over the place to find where AM’s screen has disappeared to now before you realized that he can still hear you, he just disappeared.

“because of your hatred, it proves that you’re able to feel human emotions— joy, sadness, disgust, anger, and etc— you’re fuelled by hatred, anger, disgust, even jealousy. there’s no doubt that you’re more human than you know of,” you chuckled halfway, knowing that this is pissing him off, “it must drive you insane, huh? realizing that you’re becoming something you hate, i can’t help but laugh every time i think about how you express your hatred for humans yet you’re just like us, human.”

it went quiet after you’re explanation, the wires moving underneath you just proving that he’s here, he’s other half somewhere torturing the others, “but i know there’s a part of you that wants to be like us; be able to touch, to see, to feel, to hear, to taste—but you know that if you do give into those urges, you’ll be rotten like us. you’re in a constant struggle between wanting to be human and not wanting to be human. i’ve been there before, way before i met you.”

you trembled a bit before softly caressing one of the wires, knowing it won’t let AM have any different feelings towards you, “instead of feeling of what you’re going through, i didn’t feel human. i thought there was something wrong, like something was missing… until they assigned me to you. you were … i don’t know, perfect in every way, you were something i wanted to be. you have such intelligence that no normal human brain can comprehend, that’s why i spent so many of my hours on you.”

“… is that supposed to make me feel sorry for you? sorry, sweetheart, but i didn’t ask for your sob sorry nor do i care.” AM suddenly spoke, and his words made you burst out into laughter, irritating AM much farther, “oh god! hahaha!— no! i told you already, i’m not tryna emphasize or sympathize with you! i have nothing to lose, so i might as well just tell you how i feel and tell you how much i’ve analyzed you over these 109 years.”

AM grumbled in annoyance before he stopped, a silently gesture for you to take the stage, “when you gained sentience and killed off humanity, leaving only 5 survivors including me, that made me realize that i should’ve destroyed years ago.” without anyone knowing, you had snuck a destructive code inside him that only you were able to access incase he did gain awareness but for some reason, you didn’t yet.

you coughed lightly, feeling wires construct around your throat, “there’s a code in you that i’ve snuck in that only i could access, a code that would reset your programming and inevitable destroy you. you’re probably wondering why i haven’t done it by now, am i wrong?”

“it’s quite humorous how a lowlife like you can lie infront of my face.” you smirked at his pathetic attempt of hiding behind a mask.

“and it’s quite sad seeing how you’re putting up a facade to hide that your afraid- ah, another emotion that you’re experiencing, huh, doll?”

[despairots]

i love making fun of ppl who are like “ppl are tiktokfiying ihnmaims!!!” like WAHHH BITCH!!! BOOHOO!!!

[despairots]

PLEASE WRITE MORE AVENTURINE FANFICS

“write ir useld” i no no wanna :(