destiny17sstuff - Tumblr blog

[destiny17sstuff]

Conversation with My Younger Self

If your younger self could see you and speak to you right now, will he or she be happy with what you have become?

A TikTok trend surfaced on the internet with people using Keane’s iconic “Somewhere Only We Know” sound over edited videos of themselves and their baby pictures, toddler pictures, teenage pictures - captioned with questions such as “Are we happy yet?”, “Did we finish school?”, “How’s mom doing?”, and basically the present person’s picture will be seen with the answer to the question.

When this became a trend, most entries will give you mixed emotions. There are those who have pursued their childhood dreams and became flight attendants, doctors, lawyers, pursued dancing, became the professionals they’ve dreamt and probably roleplayed when they were young. Some of them who were bullied in school and were detached as a kid have a full circle of friends now, some were happily married, some have children and a happy family. Then, there are those entries that will leave you in tears such as when a loved one- may it be Grandparent, or parent, siblings, or even pets- who used to be there, are not present anymore in their lives.

There is no template to what questions you can input in this video trend, if it is answerable with a picture of the present self, such as if you used to watch marvel movies as a kid vs. the current self-picture who still goes to the cinema to catch the latest Marvel movie, it can be included in the video. But as I watch most entries under this sound, there’s a commonality to them all.

Almost all of them ask themselves if they are happy now, in the present time.

Personally, I did not want to do this trend although I’m a hype for TikTok trends. When I stumble upon these videos (and thanks to algorithm because it keeps popping up on my For You Page), to be honest, I find it cool how they could handle their emotions as they edit those pictures and ask their selves tough questions like that.

As someone who is highly emotional, I admire those who hopped on that trend because they are transparent to their inner self, their inner child. It’s not easy to ask yourself questions specially asking about your emotional state right now at this age where we are all confused with our whereabouts in life.

I didn’t hop on this trend because I feel like my younger self will be disappointed in me. I didn’t get to do my dream job, nor do I have dreams for my career right now. I just show up at work because I need to earn since I’m a breadwinner, and while that sucks, that’s reality of life. My family still lives in this shabby house and we’re still living paycheck to paycheck, and I don’t have a clue on how I could make our situation better for my parents to live a carefree life.

But looking back, and really looking deep into our situation, I realized that I am currently living the life that I just used to write about.

While I’m not yet a 6-digit earner, I can now give my mom extra allowance when she asks for it. I may not have my dream job, but my job feeds me and my family and so I find it important to be present and still do my best. After all, we can learn to love a thing or two. I have work friends from my previous work that are so impactful in my life as they are pushing me to become someone, I can be proud of. I am still friends with my Highschool friends especially my main best friends who I meet up with every month. I am still close to my college friends who checks on me occasionally when they have time even if they are stressed in their own field. I am trying my best to save up and find ways to acquire a house for my family and my dogs. I have 5 completely healthy dogs, and my dog who I once wrote about is 7 years old now – still with us and is healthy and strong.

My parents and I were able to send off my baby sister to college, and she just graduated last month. As an older sister, I strived to give her the things she wants even if it entailed a few sacrifices.

While I haven’t traveled out of this country yet, I was able to travel to a few scenic places where the beach, the sunset, the mountain, and city view, felt relaxing. I can eat what I crave and not just sleep it off. I can buy expensive makeups and clothes that I want to wear, and not just live off hand-me-downs from relatives.

I have a partner that makes me feel safe and calm and we are fur-parent of a baby dog now.

Each day, I wake up and I feel contented already as long as I have coffee to sip while I prep up and see my parents sleeping the morning off.

Maybe I was wrong when I said I didn’t hop on the trend about that “conversation with my younger self”, because I felt like my younger self will be disappointed.

Because the truth is, if my younger self sees the present me, she will be nothing but proud of the sacrifices I made for our family.

My younger self will be proud of who I have become, and how I have lived this life so far… and how I’m still living it.

And if she asks, “Are we happy yet?”, I can confidently say “Yes, I am.”

[destiny17sstuff]

Start of Something NEW

I entitled this entry like that because I was planning to watch High School Musical again. I just want to relive something familiar. Something that could make me feel young, alive, and carefree as I was before. It's always like this when I get to a point where I am in a new environment. I always have to grasp onto something that I know very well- may it be shows, movies, series, books, habits, songs, and even people or places.

I got a new job.

While everybody tells you "That's great!" or "Wow! Nice shot!" or says "Congratulations!", they never really know how scary it is. They can never see how anxiety-triggering it is to be someplace else, other than what you have lived with for the past few years.

I remember being exactly like this when I went to a super big school way back primary school. Being a really small child who came from a small kindergarten set-up classroom in our area, I was so shocked when I first set foot on that big school campus.

For 3 months, my mom couldn't go home and had to force me into the classroom with children my age that I barely knew and had no interest of ever knowing.

I will always be crying as we head to school each morning. I don't like interacting with anyone other than my playmates at home and my family. I hated school back then.

It makes me feel so uncomfortable and burdened to be put in such big unknown. I feel so anxious and scared that I might mess up.

The feeling is like that every time. Even when I stepped up in all Grade levels, it was like that each year. It was like that too when I entered High School in a much bigger school- and of course, a much bigger unknown. I had that feeling up until College.

After that, I thought I have mustered enough courage to face the unknown. I thought I was already an adult who makes decisions for herself and is responsible for things in her life.

But I guess, I thought wrong.

When I got my first job, I was filled with anxiety. I have no idea what I was doing in the laboratory. I broke 2 lab equipment on my first work week and had to face the Company Owner already in just a few days that I was there.

Eventually, things got a little better a year after.

The fear of messing things up is still there, but I became more open to it. And every time I messed up, I know I get to learn and gain experience.

When I transferred to my new work in 2019, my anxiousness resurfaced. I finish my 8 am-5 pm work, go home, and bawl out my eyes during the night. It was hard to pretend that I'm in a much better place because I don't know anyone and I feel like I could never be close to any of them because they are not the same age as me. That is true. I never got close to any of them until COVID happened, that only 2 of us remained, and I never got close to that person because of age gap and character issues.

I only ever gained new friends a year and a half into the pandemic when they hired a new officer who is my age. But opening up didn't happen in just an instance. It took time, and another person hired, for me to finally open up to them.

I lived the past 1 and a half year 'til June of this year with these people who I can now call as my friends, and an overall 3 years of stay with that company that I've come to know like the back of my hand.

But I can't keep staying just because I was scared of trying new things.

I can't keep making excuses for myself anymore just because I want to have one more Milk tea Thursdays with my work friends, or spend one more work day doing the work that I know so well I could do it even with my eyes closed.

I knew I had to try something else. I knew I need to get a new job.

And I did get to that part now.

But these days, I keep being anxious in my new work set-up. I keep being overwhelmed by how much something new can weigh you down.

I think, the part that no one talked about is how "new" doesn't always equate to "good" at first.

"Something new" is also scary.

"Something new" is also overwhelming.

Something new" is also “the big unknown”.

[destiny17sstuff]

Let this be a reminder that the world is so, so, big that there is still so much more to explore out there, and it’s definitely okay to wait for your turn.

You’re just 24. Life can be so much better a few years down the line. You don’t have to rush things. You don’t need to own anything yet, at least materially. You have this one life, and dragging and boring as it is, this life is short, and so you must make it a habit to live it to the fullest.

You’re just 24, you don’t need to settle down with anyone at this moment. Enjoy this time of your life when you are not yet responsible for anyone but yourself. At the right time, you’ll be sure and prepared enough to walk down the aisle and exchange vows with the person with whom you’ll figure out the rest of your life with.

You’re still young, and while occasionally, you’ll keep asking “when will it be my turn?”, I hope that even in those doubtful of times, you still try. After all, when you really want something, you’ll pursue it no matter what. People don’t just give up on things they want, they work hard to get them.

It’s easy to feel as if you’re not doing anything to get to what you want, or feel as if you’re doing something wrong with your life especially when you compare it to the timeline of other people your age. But here’s the news: Life doesn’t have a manual. The moment you were born, there was no book given that says “This is Day 1! Here’s what you’re gonna do”.

It’s you who will paint, draw, and write as you please.

It is you who is responsible of making your life a story that is worth telling or looking at. And while we know the words “chances” and “opportunities” come into play at this point, I hope you are always reminded that this life is also a one-time opportunity. So in everything, we must take our chances.

Above all, I hope you are always reminded that God didn’t really promise an easy life for us.

But what He made sure is that He will get us through all of it- bruised, pained, with tears in our eyes, and a shattered heart maybe, but still, complete and finished.

So, when things get a little too heavy on the chest, just look at how vast the blue sky is and remember- that if God can make such a big sky, just exactly how great and powerful He is?