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So story time, probably will be short, I dont care what your personal viewpoint on hunting is, if you read the whole thing you'll see it's mostly irrelevant to the point, other than it's what i was doing at the time of the incident. I was hunting for deer, this had to be fall of 2007 or 2008, me and my uncle were walking up a road, at the top we started walking through the brush, he had an old 1903 in 30-06, loaded, safety on, slung over his shoulder, I was walking behind him. I stopped and looked down for some reason, there was nothing but moss, but I still just stood there staring for some reason, then I continued walking, a second later, my uncle slipped, and as the butt of the rifle hit the ground, the rifle went off pointing at my head. I fell to the ground automatically, then felt around to see if I was shot, I was not. Two things bother me, 1. Had I not stopped and started at some moss, I would be dead, I would have been shot point blank in the chest/neck deep in the woods. But what maybe bugs me more, is the rifle was pointed at my head, now small angles can change trajectories, but every now and then a little voice in the back of my head wonders, did I really get shot that day, and all this is just me hallucinating in my last moments.

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We start dating not long after, me being hardened after C, stays emotionally distant, and fairly casual, J fell hard for me, we stay in this state for 2 years, her in love with me, me basically in it for the sex. Missing C so much. Well after 2 years I fell on hardish times, and needed to move, J wanted me to move in with her, so I did now living together, I started to allow myself to more emotionally connect with J, but i still had hangups, I still missed C. As you can see, I still miss C, but after me and J loved togeather a bit, even moving from there into a different place together, now I was really starting to get attached to J, I actually became the most open with J of anyone, i have tole her more emotional stuff, and more secrets and whatever than anyone else, i told J i was sorry i had been distant for the first bit of our relationship, I had always cared for J, but now I was deeply in love with her. This went well for a while, but J started talking about marriage, and kids, meanwhile we were barely scraping by financially, so I tried to slow those talks down. Eventually I did my thing again, I snooped on her emails/texts and I found she was flirting with guys, sexting them, etc., but when I confronted C about stuff like this, she left me, so I stayed quiet, to this day J doesnt know I found this stuff out, I just hoped it would stop, and that J wouldn't leave me, and I didnt snoop anymore, out of sight, out of mind, month after month went by and J didnt leave, I thought I was in the clear. Then one day she said she was leaving me, but still living there, i just lay down and cried, she came in, and cried with me, saying she changed her mind. I was worried, it would happen again, but a week or two went by, and I thought maybe whatever happened was truly over, well one night working graveyard shift, I came home after work, and she and her stuff was gone, with a Dear John letter left for me, she had basically left me for someone else. I was devastated, but this isnt the end of the story with J, a year or so later we started talking again, and made up a bit, started seeing each other again for a few weeks, then she ended that too, to start dating a different guy, I again was devastated. Then she gets ahold of me, says she wants to leave him, and get back with me, she comes over, and that lasts for a few days, then goes back to him. Then some time passes, she still dating him, wants to hang out, well it turns physical pretty fast, and she starts an affair with me behind his back, and through our talking, as much as she wants to be over me, she isnt, she is always drawn to me, during our affair, she develops some health issues, and I get her pregnant, but she only finds out she is pregnant, when her new health issues cause a miscarriage, this saddens us both. But at the same time I had just started seeing a woman, who is my now current partner, and even though I had just met her, and even though, I love J so much, and miss her so much, I decide not to get back with J, and to see how things go with the new girl, and from a logical point of view, It was the best choice. J moved about 100 miles away, and has had even more complications from her health issues, we have messaged each other a bit, the last few times I've tried contacting her, she hasn't replied.

I'm not adding tags, or sending people here, so if you read all of my ramblings, then have a good day.

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Back to July 13th, 2007 I was in a bit of a mood, and I remember the date well, because my mother had passed away, july 13th, 2002, C and I were hanging out at my place, and I was taking her home on the bus, we got to talking, and we decided (but more her than me) that we should actually be dating, so July 13th now was also our anniversary. That was the summer between our junior and senior years in H.S. so we came into senior year as a couple, my drive for anything but spending time with her was pretty much gone, we skipped class sometimes to hang out, we took as many classes together as we could, hung out after school as much as possible. Not long into that year, her mother, who loved to move constantly, was moving again, a good 70 miles away, long story short, I got my family to agree to let her live with us, in the garage. The garage thing didnt last forever, and she was in my bed nightly soon enough. But there we were, 17 years old living together. She was more emotionally mature than me for sure, but I was logically mature at least as much as she, our relationship was heavily physical, but what do you want, we were teenagers. After a bit, the marriage talks started, I dont remember who brought it up, but we were both not working (2008 recession) and I wanted to get a job before we were married, she agreed for a short time, but eventually she just flat out told me she wanted to marry me, and now. I was elated, I know that's not traditional, but the woman I adore is telling me to marry her, I was so happy. And so we got married, we basically eloped actually, her sister was a witness, families didnt really know beyond that, down at the courthouse in late june 2009 me an C became man and wife. I, always hungry for knowledge, even in bad ways had decided to check her email one night, in October, and saw that her and her ex had been hanging out at school (college), and that their conversation was getting a but flirty, I confronted her about it, I stayed calm, never raising my voice, but I'm sure she could tell I was angry and confused, and I asked her to stop talking to him, the next day she woke up for school, i woke up and kissed her good bye, she went to school, and never came home, she had gone to her sister's, 4 months to the day after we were married, our relationship was over, due to life, and funds, etc. our marriage wouldn't be legally over for quite some time, but to this day, june 2020, we haven't talked to each other in person. We have talked online every now and then, I tried to spark up a conversation with her even recently, I dont know what I hope to gain, but even after all this time, I just yearn to talk to her again, to see her, to feel her embrace. Ex 2: We will call her J, my raven-haired beauty. After C, I was single for a year, I had some physical relations here and there, actually I feel I did quite well for myself in that time, but anyways, J I met online, we were just chatting, and I asked if she wanted to hang out, she said yes, and we met at a bus station near me and went to a park. she was a bit younger than me, short-ish, 5'3 (to my 6'4) black hair, she wasnt fat, but was very curvy in all the right ways, we meet, and walk to the park, and have a decent conversation, nesring the end of it J seemed to be showing me her butt quite a bit, somehow we tall about Fightclub, and that she'd never seen it, and we end up back in my bed watching it, long story short, that I might go into another time, we have sex, apparently I took her virginity.

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Most would not call me a sensitive, or emotional man. I do not show my emotions much, and experiencing substantial hardship, grief, and loss at a young age has hardened me, but I still find myself missing two of my ex-girlfriends quite a bit. What may be worse, is I dont have many people I can talk to about these things, I do have a current girlfriend, who I love dearly, but talking to her about how I still miss, and hurt over an ex is not going to be a productive conversation, I never really had a huge friend base, and now it's basically dwindled to a handful of acquaintances, one older borderline friend who wants me physically, and that's about it, I socialize with my GFs friends more than anyone I know non-professionally, and talking to them about this matter, again, wouldn't be conducive. So here I am, I made this blog just to post this I guess, and maybe things like it down the line, as some form of catharsis, just getting the feelings out there. Ex 1: We will call her "C", my god I was, and still am so attracted to her, fiery red hair, my ideal body shape, we met in lit in Highschool, prior to having a class to her, I was first made aware of her presence when some friends of mine who had a class with her were making fun of her (without her knowledge) and pointed her out to me, they were just being highschool douches, and the making fun of sounded more like jealous teasing now than anything. Anyways, since they pointed her out, when I saw her I was over come with a wierd feeling, I thought plenty of girls were cute, and would love to be with them, but when I saw C, I was overcome with the feeling we'd be together. Fast forward to the next term, in a Lit class, which I always hated, with one of my least favorite teachers, a douchey-er acquaintance of mine sitting directly behind me, and C sitting just to my right, first day had some sort of group excersize, my, C, and someone else were the last to group up, so we got put together, and that's how we met, I was mostly quiet, to this day I don't strike up conversation with people i dont know, I'm fairly quiet. In class, she was fairly outspoken, and self assured, to the annoyance of some of the average HS scum, I had found her on Myspace, and looking for a reason to talk to her, (I dont remember the exact details) but I told her some things I thought could make the others be nicer to her, I dunno, either way this started us on talking online, where I can strike up random convos a little more easily, then my memories gets a little fuzzy, we talked online, but not in person much, i may have dropped the lit class I cant remember. Then one day our convo got a little sexual, but also I was feeling in the dumps, I was saying things like no one would want me, to her it may have seemed like a pity ploy, or something, but I was actually just having a rough time of it venting, I may discuss what happened next in more detail in a later post, but long story short, I snuck out if the house, then I lost my virginity to her in a threesome, in a park, and walked several miles home at 3am and snuck back in my window. After that, we started to hang out more in person, we went to a different park next to my house, and were playing around on the structures, my Jean's ripped open pretty bad from jumping around, then I snuck her into my room and we had our first night together, alone, and that was a good night. Our relationship was mostly physical, I'd never really been in a relationship, she had just broken up with her ex( I didnt know that was a red flag then) and we were pretty much friends with benefits for 3 months. Let's backup, between the time I lost my virginity, and the second time, we also went to prom together, the only highschool dance I went to, she wore a black and green dress that looked amazing with her red hair and light skin, she was stunning that night.