deyadee

[deyadee]

Squirtle T-Shirt

We’re gonna be going on a trip to Tennessee in the next few days, and I’m one of those kind of people that has to make a checklist and pack earlier than needed, planning everything to a T.

So of course while digging through my drawers I found something I try to forget about at the bottom.

A few years ago, I don’t exactly when but, I got a striped Squirtle ringer t-shirt from Box Lunch. I don’t know why, but I love ringer t-shirts. There’s literally nothing different about them besides the collar being a different color from the rest of the shirt (and sometimes the sleeves are as well). They just look cool to me, and kind of remind me of old 70s-80s camp slashers like Sleepaway Camp. I’m not someone who dresses super retro (besides maybe wearing a Motley Crue/Aerosmith/Queen t-shirt here and there) but I just have some weird love for these shirts. So when I had literally seen one of one of my favorite pokemon in a cute style I freaked out and had to get it. Though when I looked through the stack they had on display none of them were my size. I wear about a XL-XXL depending on the brand though I tend to lean more XXL because I like having a bit of extra breathing room in my shirts. This one was an XL, though I’d more call it a small Large. I wasn’t about to leave this shirt because I know damn well I’d forget about it by the time I got home to order it online. Plus at the time the only ringer shirt I had (the previously mentioned favorite) had been ruined with orange splotches across it, so this weird obsession would probably lead to me not having any. So I figured “I can wear XLs, fuck it” and bought it, and felt great. Most of the clothes I wear feel like they don’t look flattering on me. I feel like I look older or fatter in most of my t-shirts even when they’re a shirt I otherwise like. Though when I got home I threw on the shirt and (unsurprisingly) it was a little tight I felt good about myself because it made me look thinner and I was surprised I just barely fit it. I didn’t wear it a lot though because it was tight and uncomfortable. I could barely move my arms up without feeling I’d expose myself.

This would begin a cycle of me finding this buried curse. I would find the shirt stuffed into some corner of my dresser or closet and try it on seeing how cute it looked- only for me to barely be able to squeeze it on with a bra on and feel like a fat pig for not being able to wear this damn shirt. Or if I *could* get it on I still wouldn’t be able to lift my arms up or really do anything but sit in a corner huddled up trying to not look like a beast. So then I take I off the shirt, throw some other random trash I have and feel like shit for the rest of the day because I’m such fat ugly bitch that I feel like I don’t deserve to wear anything cute. Even worse is that when I was taking diet pills and getting shots and shit and I was actually losing weight I actually was able to wear it- it still wasn’t comfortable and my arms could barely move but my mom complimented my shirt and said I should wear it more often. That’s the problem. I WANT to wear it more often but I’m too fucking fat for it and I can’t do shit about it. But I still keep that bullshit shirt because I have the stupid goddamn delusion that one day maybe I’ll magically lose the weight and start looking like a normal girl my age… then I could finally wear the shirt and deserve to feel pretty.

It also doesn’t help that the other day I saw a post on lesbian subreddit, I can’t remember if it was fashion advice or what, but someone was asking how to look like “this aesthetic” and it was just a handful of pictures of thin women wearing spaghetti-strap tank tops and jeans. I was thinking “I’d love to look like that too, but my fat blubber arms and belly and hideous face would destroy all of it”- only to read one of the top comments “You’re not attracted to the style, you’re attracted to the skinniness.” Or something like that. No shit Sherlock, we all wanna look like an actual woman and not some fugly she-beast. I know realistically not everyone looks like that but I physically can’t accept how I look. I’ve tried bullshit body positivity. I’ve tried body neutrality. I just can’t stop hating myself. Any time I put together an outfit I think looks cute I look in the mirror and realize who’s wearing it. My hair’s falling out so I always wear a baseball hat, my fat fucking double chin that feels like it takes up half of my face, the giant stupid fucking forehead, the deathly pale gross skin- or when I realize my outfit is just some random basic ass bullshit thrown together. Wow, Deyadee! You really did throw on a t-shirt, jeans, and a hat! What a fucking Revolution in fashion! Did you know normal fucking people wear more than three things in their whole life? Yeah, I know, crazy!

So I debated on whether putting that Squirtle shirt in again. And again, it’s won. I put it back in my dresser and now I’m crying on my bed because a stupid goddamn motherfucking t-shirt doesn’t fit me. I’m crying because of a GOD DAMN T-SHIRT! I’m so fucking pathetic. This is why I’m gonna die alone- let alone that I’m fucking ugly and fat and balding. I tried looking up the shirt in hopes of getting a new one and ending this stupid goddamn cycle- but would you like to guess what the joke is? The only ones I can find are size Small.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHH IT’S SO GODDAMN FUCKING FUNNY! BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I FUCKING AM! A GODDAMN JOKE!

I just… I just want to be able to look in the mirror and loathe what I see. How am I supposed to win anyone over looking like this? No amount of “winning personality” is gonna get past this. Women know what a woman should look like and I’m not that.

[deyadee]

Update: I don’t know how long it took for em to realize I was an ace lesbian. For the longest time I tried to avoid the thought that normal people actually think sexual thoughts about other people. I always felt fear and disgust thinking that eventually I would *have* to have sex with someone, because that’s just what 99% of the population expects in a relationship. I spent years telling myself I was Bisexual because I guess I thought that was more acceptable than calling myself ace. I think I called myself that in middle school once (don’t know how this came up in conversation) but my science teacher laughed at me and said that wasn’t a real thing. So I guess that was part of it.

And the part of “never feeling good enough” to be in a relationship with an anime boy was kind of true. It’s just that I don’t feel like I’m good enough for anyone, and I omitted the fact that I really couldn’t imagine myself in a relationship with a guy where I’d actually be happy. Romantic or otherwise.

I’m still a little miserable because there’s a 99% chance I’ll die alone because I have to be born so fucking picky and ugly but, I at least I don’t have to be sick imagining myself in a future relationship.

Anime Boys

One of the things I always find is that I never like any anime girls. I’m Bisexual. I love real life girls, but I can never like anime girls except highly specific ones. I love anime boys, but I find it hard to like real life guys. I don’t think I really need to explain irl girls, same story as any other Bi person. Anime girls feel either too perfect or too boring- or are tsunderes. Anime boys I really can’t explain why I like them (obviously not all of them). I love each one for completely different reasons. Real life boys, not trying to be rude to irl dudes or say everyone is like this, but I feel like the second they seem interested or at least I think they’re interested in me- they immediately expect sex and nothing else from me. Like we could never have a relationship if I didn’t fuck him whenever he wanted. Note: I have never been treated like this by anyone, I’ve never had any relationships even close to this. So I don’t know why I feel that.

Ironically I feel like I have a mindset more like a guy. Not that I’m trans, or that I only want sex from a relationship (the EXACT opposite in fact), but whenever someone asks a question or tells me to do something I’ll end up doing whatever the more male thing to do would be. I guess it’s probably just being a tomboy or a more masculine girl. Not that I really care, it’s just one of those weird things at the back of mind constantly.

I’m just gonna be honest- if I could I’d ask to never have sex in a relationship. I don’t mind if others who aren’t in a relationship with me do it. There’s nothing wrong with it, I just feel uncomfortable with it. I’ve always wondered why I have a problem with it. I used to constantly have dreams of either guys breaking into my house and trying to… forcefully cha cha slide I guess you could say or my family members trying to “forcefully cha cha slide” me. I don’t know why, and I’ve never told anyone about these dreams. Especially this one where my grandmother and mother locked me in my grandmother’s basement and my dad was naked and- it literally makes me sick to think of that dream. No actual “forcefully cha cha slide” would happen, it would always be implied that it happened or threatened. I started checking my doors over and over everyday because of those dreams. The worst one I felt sick looking at my own father in the morning. Note: I have never been assaulted in any way. I have never been “forcefully cha cha slided.” I have never been threatened with it. Nothing that happened in my life caused these dreams (besides a series of break-ins in my neighborhood). They all suddenly stopped when I had a dream where a guy tried to break in and I brutally beat his head into a bloody pulp with a crowbar and baseball bat until the police arrived. Borderline tortured a guy for intending to break into my parent’s car. I’ve never told anyone in my life about these dreams and their end because I didn’t want to make my dad think I was scared of him for something he never did. My father has never laid a hand on me and I literally couldn’t imagine a better dad. I was scared they would throw me in therapy for something that wasn’t a real issue, I didn’t want to take attention or therapy from people who actually had to deal with these experiences irl.

I need to stop getting so off-topic in these. I went from cute anime boys I obsess over to dream cha cha slides. Oh, I forgot to mention. A weird thing is, I don’t want to date any of the anime boys I’m obsessed with. I just don’t like them in a “Damn, I wish they’d marry me” kinda way. I feel like we wouldn’t make a good couple or they wouldn’t be what I wanted them to be if we met. I near got sick finding out one of my favorite boys smokes cigarettes (Revolting). Plus I always feel like I wouldn’t be good enough for them even if I went with a guy who’s literally a NEET/Virgin/Hikkikomori I would constantly feel like I don’t deserve them. I more like the anime boys getting together in BL, with me being in an alternate universe so they can’t know I’m ogling them. I don’t deserve any anime boy or girl, and they don’t deserve a shitty person like me. Even when I play dating sims trying desperately to pretend I’m a lonely sack of shit- I can’t feel any romantic love for them. It’s just more like “Aww they’re so cute!”

Another strange thing is BL. I absolutely adore BL, but I can’t really get into GL or normal romance anime. GL always feels like borderline “cha cha slide entertainment” like it’s no build up it’s just “You wanna grope each other?” “Of Course!” And then normal romance anime just makes me sad. I know they’re not aiming it to make fun of me and I can enjoy romance anime just like anybody else sometimes but most of the time I just feel like I’m being humiliated. Like “Hey look at this cute couple! The thing that’ll never happen to you! Look how happy and perfect they are for each other! You couldn’t imagine even a third of having this.” But BL just frees me to feel good for them getting together and ogle at their cute interactions and mannerisms. There’s more buildup, and if there is sex it’s not taking up so much of the story that it’s just softcore “cha cha slide entertainment”

[deyadee]

She isn’t real.

I had a dream less than a week ago that I met a girl and we dated for what felt like months. It felt so real, even though I can’t remember every detail, it feels like it actually happened. She had short blonde hair, freckles, brown eyes, and she dressed in a mix of hippie-punk styles. Her name was Kelsey.

We met at a store and I just remember when we first stared into each other’s eyes it was love at first sight like every cheesy rom-com you’ve ever seen. I remember holding her in my arms. Going on dates. Having her over at my house. She was sweet, kind, caring, thoughtful, and always seemed to make the world brighter when she smiled. I felt like I could tell her anything and she’d still care about me no matter what. When we held hands everything felt right in the world.

I KNOW I’M BEING FUCKING SAPPY I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. She made me the happiest I think I’ve ever been and now I just want to die. When I woke up from that dream I just laid there for a moment realizing none of it happened. I was still the same fat fucking miserable goddamn loser like before, and girls like that don’t fall for wretched fucking pigs like me. I still can’t accept that she’s not real. I can’t accept that I’ll never see her again. I’ve tried doing everything I can to dream of her again but she never comes back. IT’S JUST A BLACK FUCKING VOID AND THEN I WAKE UP AGAIN THE NEXT DAY. It’s such a cruel fucking joke. “Oh you’re such a fucking loser, here’s what you’ll never have! No one could ever love you like an actual person! No one could love you as an equal! You’re just some useless sack that holds pity and nothing else.”

What’s even the point of living anymore? No one will ever love me like she did. I’ll never love someone like I loved her. I know people say that your brain can’t make faces, it can only patch other people’s together. But there’s no one like her, and there never will be. Even if there were I’m sure some fucking Guy or a non-fugly looking girl already have her to make their life perfect. UGLY FUCKING BITCHES LIKE ME WILL NEVER HAVE THAT! THAT’S WHY WE KEEP FUCKING EATING AND CRYING BECAUSE FOOD IS ALL WE FUCKING HAVE LEFT.

I can’t fucking text that goddamn line again. I’m not going back to the fucking nuthouse.

All the times I read that stupid lamp story on Reddit I thought it couldn’t possibly happen and it had to be fucking fake but if there’s a god he’s a cruel fucking dick that just HAS to prove you wrong at every possible turn.

I know I dreamed of Anna before, but this was a whole other level. I can’t forget Kelsey. I think about her every night.

I miss her so much, and I can’t tell anybody about her without sounding like a fucking psycho. I miss her but I’m cursed to never see her again.

If this is the last time I ever post on here I’ll leave a message for her. Maybe she’s somewhere in some other universe waiting for me. Maybe she’s waiting for me to finally end it so we can be together.

Kelsey, I don’t when or if we’ll be able to see each other again, but I’ll always remember you. If I find you again somewhere, I won’t let them take you away. I won’t lose you again. We only knew each other for a short time but you made the happiest girl in the world, and when I say I would do anything to be with you again, I mean it. I don’t care what I have to do, I will find you again. I love you and will always love you.

[deyadee]

I Was Put in a Mental Hospital

Well I guess the secret was gonna come out sooner or later, but that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna be pissed when it finally does. Six days ago I was put in a mental hospital. I stayed there for 4 and a half days before they finally let me out.

It all started when I was having another 3 in the morning crying session. I have a lot outside of the blog, unsurprisingly. I only really blog on here when it gets *bad*. Though this time I decided not to. I felt like I was really going to finally fucking end this once and for all, but of course I decided to text the hotline because I’m too much of a pussy to ever actually go through with it. It took them a fucking hour to text me back any reply. I’ve texted the hotline a handful of times before, and usually they don’t sound like a text generator but this time I swear everything this bitch said was so robotic and apathetic like she was texting out the same fucking template she sent everyone. I’d ask her a question and she’d respond with the usual spiel you hear from every chat bot along with the “do you have any weapons and can you get away from them”. Blah blah blah all shit I’ve heard before and nothing sounded like something an actual goddamn person would type, even if they have to stick to strict protocol so they don’t get someone to kill themselves. The damn chat bot took so long to respond between each message that I was practically falling asleep by the end having cried so much. Each line hurt more because it felt like not even a real goddamn person cared about me dying that they had to get a fucking machine to say “There there you fat stupid fucking pig, you shouldn’t die! Who will work at McDonald’s and serve the other useless sacks of shit in society if you die? Your life matters because we can make so much money off of you if you live!”

So eventually I’m just fed up and exhausted with my heart just empty afterwards so I pretty much text “Yeah, I’m fine. I won’t do it, even if you’re a piece of shit robot. I’m going to bed because I cried so much.”

And usually in Kentucky that would result in nothing. I get off the chat, go to sleep, and that’s the end of story. But that’s not how shit goes in Florida.

I woke up to my dogs barking and freaking the fuck out at the door, I ignore it and go back to sleep. My mom wakes me up a second later saying there are police at the door. I freak the fuck out thinking that a murder happened or something, but she says that said something like someone was going to commit suicide at the house. She’s confused who it would be and asks if I did it. I freeze. Do you lie and get the police to fucking shoot you or some shit or tell the truth and let your mother know you’re a goddamn pathetic whore who bitches about her life for no reason? I choose the second and she starts crying, taking me to the door. The police say they legally have to take me to see someone. I think it’s a therapist or something but I was fucking wrong. They give me a second to actually throw on clothes and shoes so I can go and they take me into the back of a police car. The guy driving tries to be nice letting me pick out the music and apologizing that he has to take me but I just sit in the back bawling my eyes out because my entire fucking life is crumbling around me. My family knows my secret and now I’m being taken away to who knows fucking where in a goddamn cop car.

I get dropped off at a white building in the middle of butt fuck nowhere, they take me through a fucking Metal cage hallway into the facility. They strip me, take my clothes and phone- then make sit in a room with a bunch of fucking crackheads that are walking around screaming at each other and at the nurses- who are also screaming back at them. Every single dude looks like a fucking pedophile or molester so I’m freaking the fuck out in my chair as I wait for a nurse to come back to get me. After a fucking hour of paperwork I see a cute girl sit in a chair across from me wearing the same huge purple robe. She looks cute and around the same age as me so I end up looking over at her a lot, but I feel like a fucking pervert because it’s hard to tell between the ages of someone in their later teens or early twenties so I stop myself from looking. One of the crazy bitches sends me over to get lunch, I grab a box and sit down. I only eat part of a sandwich and a cookie before I notice the other girl doesn’t have food. I stand up and ask her if she wants part of mine since she didn’t get any and she accepts my milk carton.

Another fucking hour of paperwork later they tell me they don’t accept my insurance and that I have to go to a place across the street.

They put me in this van with bars along the windows, still wearing this huge purple robe and shitty flip-flops they gave me that were too big to walk in. I get out and sit in another waiting room of a different place, though this one feels like a full hospital instead of just a warehouse they shove nut jobs in. I get taken for more questioning and paperwork before they finally bring me upstairs to this room with more crazy people. Though these people are a lot less screamy and about twice my age at least. I get assigned this room with this older woman in a wheelchair. We get forced into a group activity and I mostly sit in the back being quiet so I don’t get noticed. I already know I’m gonna go fucking insane in this place. No phone, no people even relatively around my age, no doing anything but going to mealtimes and doing group activities. I start freaking the fuck out and spiraling thinking I’m gonna fucking find some way to kill myself one way or another in here-

Until the girl from the last place comes in. Halle-fucking-lujah. At first I don’t approach her as they guide her around just so I don’t seem creepy and desperate. I mainly wander around the space to look for anything to do.

We all get lined up for a group time and finally she gets closer to me and as I was trying to think of what to say she tells me she didn’t feel comfortable with literally anyone else in this facility- but me. I say the same thing and it’s like we became instant friends. It was nice. We were pretty much inseparable for the first three days we were there, until two other girls arrived to add to our small group suicidal girls. I did feel a little creepy talking to them since I was 22 and they were all 18, but I guess it’s only a four-year gap.

I don’t remember everything, and I’ll probably get on here later to make a part two- but I’ll say I did feel bad around them for a bit since they all had boyfriends/fiances and never shut up about them. The girl I befriended even HAD A KID. I didn’t want to admit it but every time they would bring up their partners or her kid I felt like I wanted to kill myself even more. It’s not like I really want a kid right now, but it doesn’t help when your mom says she was your age when she had you. Oh, and one of the girls kept calling her fucking boyfriend her “partner” or her “significant other” like bitch just say Boyfriend B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D. That always gets on my fucking nerves. Like what are you ashamed of? It’s not like you have to hide that you’re straight and have a boyfriend, just fucking say boyfriend. Once the third girl of the group showed up they never shut up about their damn romances while I sat there like a fat ugly fucking pig. They’d be like “Oh I’m so glad I found them, they’re my everything. My boyfriend’s so sweet he loves me so much!” God I wanted to die right there. They’re four years younger than me and have partners- one’s even ENGAGED. While I sit here wasting my fucking life being a damn loser. That and the shit living conditions of the place made me want to die even more. It’s not like I’m already fucking spiraling knowing everyone knows I’m a fucking wacko now, let’s add on that we have partners who love us and we aren’t going to die alone! I didn’t want to say anything but that third girl was really fucking annoying too, but I didn’t wanna say anything since the girl I first met was really nice and liked her. God she never fucking shut up about goddamn anything especially her fucking “partner” GODDAMN JUST SAY BOYFRIEND BITCH.

I’ll probably continue this in a part two cause I don’t really feel like bitching about it right now so tune in for that

[deyadee]

La La Land

Once I got around to watching it I can’t tell you how happy I was watching it. It had great songs, some funny moments, and I don’t remember being this happy watching a musical since maybe the first time I watched Chicago or Teen Beach Movie (yes I know I have shit taste). It was also probably one of the very few times I’ve been invested in a straight romance. Not saying that they’re bad, I usually find them kind of boring because I don’t route for them as hard. Maybe because the characters are more boring, or maybe because I always think “Oh they’ll definitely get together, because it’s a straight romance movie.” And then sunshine and rainbows forever. I still think those movies should exist, don’t get me wrong, but I just don’t get as invested in them that often. With gay couples (even if I know they get together in the end) it feels like there’s an even lower chance they’ll get together or they have to go through even more just to be together. Or maybe it’s just because how I said that one time that straight romance sometimes feels like it’s bragging about how perfect their relationship is.

This time I was HOOKED. I feel like I could relate to the characters and it made my heart soar as they were getting closer to each other. Maybe it was better writing, or better characters, or because the main characters have some kind of obsession and passion they can’t get rid of- I don’t know but I was so engrossed in this movie I couldn’t stop watching. I have a short attention span so usually I get distracted by other things like my phone or doing chores but this time it was like I was addicted to every second of it.

My family came home about half-way through it and I told my mom about how good it was to that point. I mean I knew eventually it was going to have some conflict between them because every romance movie had that, but I thought it would be like every other conflict and get sorted out. I thought they would achieve their dreams and ride off into the sunset in each other’s arms.

Then I watched the rest. They fought, of course, and they argued. They came close to giving up their dreams but they always would come back to build each other up and encourage one another to keep pursuing their dreams. Things were looking up and my heart was soaring, and I felt so happy that I felt like I wasn’t even real.

For the past while I’ve been feeling useless. I’m not working right now, I can’t drive, barely any friends, I have no partner, I have no ambitions or dreams, I live with my parents, I’m just a waste of human life. Though I’ve been working on two stories recently and my friends have been cheering me on saying my writing is really good. I even started working on a project I abandoned a long time ago. I’ve been dragging myself to work on the parts I haven’t wanted to work on recently and feeling like I’m doing all of this for nothing. Like all of my work was just a waste of time. Like no one would know it exists outside of my extremely small circle. There’s thousands of stories and things out there for people to compare it to. There’s so many people who are better than me at everything. Everything I do is just fucking trash compared to literally everyone else around me. So to see this movie and have the main characters say that you can do anything and people WILL like it as long as you keep trying, it really made me feel like I wasn’t completely useless for once.

And then the ending hit me like a truck. Sure. They got their club and their acting career. But they weren’t together. I thought maybe part of the end was that she was just imagining all of the stuff with her new husband. But no. That’s real. And they didn’t end up together. She ends up with some random fucking boring ass dude and they smile at each other and that’s it.

I’m lucky I have enough self-restraint to not break fucking everything around me. I just wanna chuck something at the goddamn wall. Light it on fire and watch it burn.

I know I’m being fucking Overdramatic, but if this were the first time you got this invested in anyone- if you felt that inspired from the “you CAN make it” message only for them to say “Nah fuck you, it’s reality hun nothing works out how you want. You’ll die alone working at a fucking McDonald’s you ugly hag.” You’re gonna be a little pissed.

Then when I look up how people thought about it in case there’s some after-credits scene that makes it better- and every fucking musical fan is like “Oh I loved the ending, it’s so bittersweet and more realistic.”

Bitch. This is the fucking movie where a magical little meet-cute happens and they fall in love. Where people burst into choreographed song and dance. Where they fucking float into space. Where a girl brings fucking tap shoes with her to dance with a random guy in the middle of the street. I DON’T NEED GODDAMN REALISM IN MY FUCKING MUSICAL WHORE.

Of course no wonder why it won a billion fucking awards because it suckers you in with hope and fucking crushes it before your eyes. I know I’m biased because I like a lot of saccharine sweet musicals with happy endings even to people who are some of the worst people of all time, but my blood is still boiling thinking of this fucking ending.

Like ok, I love MHA and I ship BakuDeku. The manga recently ended and they didn’t get together. Was I surprised? No. Did I care? No. It was just a cute ship that I knew wasn’t going to happen. They weren’t even friends for the majority of the series. I didn’t expect them to change the series to make the ship work, nor do I want them to. But I can understand the DekuOcha shippers getting mad because they spent the entire series teasing the relationship only to be like “Eh, nah.”

Like at a certain point that’s just being a dick to your audience, isn’t it?

So yeah, I just wanted to rant about it. I’m probably just going to keep listening to “Another Day of Sun” and pretend it’s its own little short musical because thinking about the rest hurts my chest.

I want to die, and it’s so fun to see a movie kind of validated my self-loathing, in my eyes at least.

[deyadee]

What Am I Even Supposed to Do?

I was watching this YouTuber that I usually watch. I always assumed she was a few years older than me, only to find out in a video I was watching a bit ago that she’s actually only a year older than me. I just felt this pit in my chest that hit out of nowhere. In a year most people would expect me to be at that stage. She can drive on her own, lives on her own, is out of college, and has an actual fucking job. I have none of that. Sure I’ve had a job before, and I keep saying that I’ll get another- but I’m fucking lazy and never actually try. I’m just scared I’m gonna be miserable.

I haven’t gone to college because I didn’t know what I wanted to do and decided it was pointless to go to college just to go for nothing when nowadays a lot of jobs don’t require it or they expect fifteen years of experience on top of it.

I haven’t moved out both because I’ve never had the money but also I know… if I do go out and live on my own I’ll end it all in the first week. I look out on my life and think “Is this it? You work until you die and you have no friends and nothing to live for while the few people you do care about slowly drift away?” How are people even expected to start living on their own anymore when everything’s so fucking expensive? I know the day I get my own place I’ll maybe survive a day then I’ll blow my brains out. I can’t imagine living on my own. I’ll spiral and think of how I’m fucking useless and life is just fucking misery and I’ll end it. At least when I’m here I can imagine the horrified faces of my family if they found my body. In my own place it would take them at least a little bit before they found out. There’d be no one to stop me but myself. I know I’m a fucking pussy and I’ll stop myself cause I’m terrified of the pain, but I know one day I’ll finally do it. I’ll be fed up with hating myself and being lonely and end it all. I’m not scared of dying. I’ve just always been scared of the pain or if I fuck it up. I don’t know how long you live after you pull the trigger, but I can’t fathom the pain. It makes me physically sick.

Though if I keep staying here nothing will get better. I’ll be that fucking loser that’s wasting her life away in her parent’s house and can’t do fucking anything for herself. I already know I’ll die alone cause I’m fucking ugly, asexual/don’t want sex, boring, don’t do drugs, don’t drink, and have the mind of a fucking twelve-year-old- if I add on a fucking loser that lives with her parents and can’t drive then I KNOW I’LL FUCKING DIE ALONE.

Maybe some fucking fairy-tale movie scenario could happen where I just find the person girl who loves me and I can be her housewife or something- but that’ll never goddamn happen. If a girl wanted a housewife she’d want a pretty one who’d fuck her. She’d want anyone who isn’t me. So I know I’ll end up miserable in a marriage I don’t want to a dude where I just shut my mouth and get assaulted. Have kids that fucking hate me. Have them fuck up my body even worse. Until they and shithole husband leave me for someone not fucking fat and ugly and I shoot myself in a hotel room- no one to remember or care about me. Or maybe if I abandon everything that I enjoy or makes me happy I could- give up all my beliefs just to find some crazy bitch who’ll abuse me into her puppet until she kills me.

I’m horrified of driving because it doesn’t matter if you don’t make any mistakes and are the perfect driver that follows the rules- any fucking dickbag can plow into you at 100 mph and you suffer until you die. But they get out without a single scratch. Also I know I’d get distracted and crash or not stop at a stoplight or any million amount of things that could happen at any second.

I’m scared of the future pain- so I just want to end it before any of it starts. Besides, my time playing with toys in my room brought me back to my days playing board games by myself in the basement. Peak of happiness, with no one to bother me, and no fear that anything will hurt me or go wrong. Maybe I should take one last happy day and then end it all since it’s all downhill going forward.

[deyadee]

I Still Want My Account and There’s Nothing I Can Do

I still miss being able to make TikTok videos. I know it’s fucking stupid and hypocritical when I bitched to the ends of the earth about the app before I got it, but I still feel empty after having all of my fucking progress deleted. I have so many ideas for videos and things to do but it all goes to waste. I upload on YouTube and it just goes straight into the fucking trash. Actually, throwing my videos in the fucking trash would probably be better since it’d have a better chance of even being glanced at. It hurts so fucking bad knowing people did like my videos even if they were rants or stupid jokes- and to know I’ll never get that same thing kills me. I always had this faint hope I’d eventually be a YouTuber or some kind of internet micro-celebrity. Sure I don’t expect to get like a million views or have hyper-obsessed fans, but the ten seconds I flew close to the sun felt so fun.

I upload any of my old videos and no matter how many times I come back or upload something new every day- I get fucking nothing. I tried making new accounts and there’s nothing I can do to try to get back to that point again. It’s painful that I lost it, but the fact that I can’t even *try* to fucking work to get to that point again stomps on my fucking soul. Thank you whatever omnipotent fuck is up there. I get the funny ass joke. Get a *real* job and stop playing on your phone and obsessing over ponies.

What’s the damn point in constantly trying when you’re just met with failure? Why make longer videos if no one wants them and they’re just not the kind of thing you’re good at? What do you do if you find something you feel like you’re good at only to get told you can never do it again? I KNOW I’M BEING FUCKING OVERDRAMATIC I DON’T CARE. I’m tired. I’m tired of doing something and feeling like I’m doing something good and I get praise for it and people actually like me for something only for it to be fucking ripped from you. If you’re the greatest fucking electrician in the world and everyone loves your work but then electricity becomes obsolete, what do you do?

There’s no fucking point.

I don’t even know where to go from here. Do I just completely change my content and make icebergs like literally every YouTuber I watch even though I get bored writing scripts for videos like that?

Or do I get a fucking job and just swallow any chances I had because “It just wasn’t meant to be” “maybe better chances will come along” “well you did it to yourself you should’ve uploaded all your information to a random fucking website”

You already know what I’m gonna say, threaten my life and do fucking nothing but wallow in self-pity and waste my life doing nothing.

[deyadee]

The Gray

What is the point of living if you’re always living in the gray?

I don’t really hit the same depths of despair that I used to, maybe that’s a good thing, maybe that’s a bad thing. I had a period where I would bounce between extreme optimism and joy and a sinking feeling of pain. Now I wouldn’t really say I’m sad or angry, just a dull disappointment with life.

I don’t really have anything I’m aiming for really. My hobbies don’t really have goals. I had an account that I felt pretty proud of growing, but it got deleted and in the dozens of attempts to grow a second to build up to the first it goes nowhere. Gets deleted again or gets 1-4 views, that is if it gets anything at all. So what I have now is no job, one or two friends, no ambitions, no partner. Nothing. I don’t really have any dreams that I don’t think are completely impossible. I doubt I find someone who will love me, I just think logically it’s impossible. I’ll end up in a loveless marriage where I’m miserable and want to just die. I want to be a YouTuber or something, but I don’t have any kind of skills or personality for it.

I feel like recently I’ve been haunted by this concept of “growing up”, it physically makes me sick to think about it. It’s not enough to just be that boring girl in class, it’s not enough to just not be pregnant at 16, it’s not enough to not smoke or vape or drink, it’s not enough that you’re just a “meh” person. You have to be the best at something. But you never can truly be the best. There’s always someone better than you that makes your existence worthless.

But I swear to fucking god it’s all I see anywhere any fucking game or movie I watch lately that’s the fucking theme and I can’t escape it. You shouldn’t be interested in that, you need to grow up, you shouldn’t like that you’re an adult, you should have a real job and live on your own and go to college and if you’re not doing that you’ve gotta be doing something fucking legendary that makes it ok for you to not be like everyone else. It’s weird to like anime and ponies and dolls, it’s weird to not know what to say, it’s weird to not answer someone when they’re talking to you. You shouldn’t want a job and a life that’ll make you happy because that’s just fake, your life will never be the cute little picturesque movie scene you imagine. You’re going to marry a man you don’t love, get a job you hate, scrape by to make ends meet, and fucking hate everything about yourself and your life like everyone else. It’s weird to hang out with your little sisters more than people your own age, it’s not my fucking fault all people wanna fucking talk about nowadays is fucking drugs or politics. “Oh yeah, I liked that too when I was a KID” Sorry I wanna have some fucking fun in my goddamn life that isn’t obsessing over what some old fuckers are gonna fuck us over with. They’re gonna fuck us over no matter what you do bitch, stop fucking acting like I’m a goddamn monster because I want to not go into a fucking spiral knowing that we’re gonna be sent back to the Stone Age by some motherfuckers that don’t give a fuck about us. I want to live and not be constantly fucking arguing and scared of goddamn everything. Am I in denial? YES! BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU GODDAMN NEED TO BE TO LIVE.

I look around at everyone my own age and feel like I’m fucking insane because they look at me like I am. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing I don’t know what’s fucking correct or smart or socially acceptable. Where the fuck did all these goddamn rules and expectations come from?! What puts me on a different fucking level than everyone else? Why do I feel like I’m fifteen fucking chapters behind everyone else around me, like there’s some goddamn joke I don’t get that everyone expects me to. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO. TELL ME TO FUCKING DANCE AND I’LL DANCE. TELL ME TO LAUGH AND I’LL GODDAMN DO IT WHAT MAKES ME DIFFERENT THAN ALL OF YOU? WHY AM I THE DUMB ONE HERE WHY AM J THE FREAK WHY AM I THE FUCKING CIRCUS MONKEY. WHY AM I THE FUCKING HANDBAG CHIHUAHUA YOU KEEP TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK BETTER. WHY AM I PITIED WHAT’S FUCKING WRONG WITH ME DAMN IT?

Do I need to go back on my depression meds again? Do I need to go back to feeling absolutely nothing and staring at the ceiling for hours until I fall asleep? Do I need to go back to Vyvanse and feel like I’m still two steps behind everyone for trying to live my life like you always told me I should? “Don’t listen to the haters, just be yourself and make your own life the way you want” but that’s not what people mean. They want you to live the way they want, as an accessory to them. Because that’s what you are. You’re not a *real* person. You’re not *really* gay, you’re not *really* funny, you’re not *really* unique, you’re not *really* ace, you’re not really- what the fuck am I then? Why does it feel like ever since third grade I’ve just been an *other*? I’m fucking 21, going to be 22 in August and I still feel like I’m everyone’s little pet, or the little brother you hand an unplugged controller and pretend to let them play “Oh you gotta shoot the zombies for me, ok? You’re doing *such* a great job!”

I want to tell someone about this, but who do you tell whenever you talk to your parents and they look at each other like you pissed yourself? Which friend do you ask when they look at you like you’re crazy when you say you actually still like movies that you liked when you were a kid? What subreddit do you type on when nothing sounds like what you go through? ADHD just talks about how fucking quirky and cute and lol xd random stimmies and Autism I can’t tell what the hell they’re even talking about? I know all those videos that say “You’re not alone, there’s so many people that love you more than you can ever know” want me to talk to my family or friends or something, or talk to someone on the hotline but I can’t bring myself to. I feel like I’m alone in this. I can’t describe this feeling to someone without them looking at me like I’m stupid.

What kind of medicine am I supposed to take to fix this? Can this even be fixed? If I can get it fixed would I still be me, I feel like being this fucking freak is who I am and anytime I’ve tried feeling like someone else I just feel like I’m somewhere where I don’t belong. People like me, if there even are any, don’t belong with the normal people. We’re not even people, we’re something lesser that others can just smell. They can hear it in your voice and see it on your face when you walk in the room. But what the hell is it, what the fuck is it, I don’t talk any differently than anyone else. I have the same Kentucky accent like the rest of my family, I look people in the eye when I talk to them, I listen to what they say, I try to speak as clearly as I can, my face doesn’t look that weird compared to anyone else. It’s not any kind of fucking ADHD because I’ve only really met one person with ADHD that was like me, all the rest feel like they’re lying about it or using it as some status symbol. Even then that other person was in middle school with me, they don’t act like that anymore. They learned how to blend in with the regulars. What the fuck is it then? Why can’t I break that barrier? What barrier is it even?

Why am I like this?

“Because I love you”

That’s what I asked god in a dream one time, back when I did believe in him. Is that what it meant? God also wants me as his little fucking monkey? Is that why people like me, because I’m too stupid to understand that I’m their parrot? Their little rat that keeps slamming into the cage?

Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this ? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this?

[deyadee]

Remnants

Before I get to bitching about not having my account anymore, I went to a pride street fair today. The same one I went to last year alone. I asked my one friend if she could and she couldn’t as she’d be taking a plane to another state today, so yet again I went alone. I feel a bit worse than last year because half of what I could focus on outside of sweating half to death was all the lesbian couples holding hands and walking through the event. Last year I at least saw one or two girls walking by themselves, but this time it felt like everyone was either walking with their partner or in a large group of friends. Sure that makes it easier to sneak around and get more free shit, but it just feels lonely when you see dozens of cute girls walk to literally every booth hand in hand smiling and laughing while you just bob around awkwardly like you’re literally just there to get free stuff. Not that I wasn’t partially just there to get free stuff, but it just feels weird when everyone else is laughing and talking and hanging out while you’re trying to keep out of the way of the booth operators so they don’t ask you to vote for whatever random crap they’re advocating for or to sign up for some newsletter. No offense, but I’m not here to talk about politics and know that everyone around me would probably think I’m some racist lunatic because I don’t agree 100% with them. I walked my ass off and there had to be twice the amount of booths this year, at least ones that I visited. Got some earrings and donuts like last year. Near the end it started raining like shit and I hid out in a donut shop, a nearby boutique, and wherever had bits of cover from the rain for parts of it. I mainly stayed in the boutique because I could watch the flag parade outside (still surprised they still did it in the rain) through the front window. This I guess lesbian couple (they looked like literally the straightest girls you’d ever see with the exception of lesbian flags on their shirts and flags, and rainbows on their shoes) came in and started looking around in the small store. I complimented their outfits but I didn’t wanna seem creepy since they were together. I stared out at the people walking around with umbrellas in the rain. I should’ve brought one. I know it’s stupid and it’d never happen in a billion years because there’s millions of better options than me but I kept thinking of those cute anime scenes where one person would have an umbrella and then a more extroverted person who didn’t have an umbrella would quickly rush under and ask to share their cover- leading to them talking and eventually falling in love. I know. I know. It never happens. Either it doesn’t happen or it only happens to people more interesting than me but I just zoned out staring out the window. Knowing I would die alone, only being a boring spectator to fill a crowd.

Anyway, now that my gay rant is over. Time for my attention craving rant.

I don’t know how long it’s been since my account got deleted, but I still feel like it was yesterday. I wake up everyday and have ideas for videos or things that I wanna talk about before remembering I’m back to just lurking online now. I go to check what comments were left and what people thought of my last video and I see nothing. I have my old accounts before the one that got big, but I’m sure the second I try uploading any content it’ll get banned too. Along with everything else I try.

I’ve been trying out YouTube Shorts and it’s pretty… fucking awful. Absolute goddamn shit. Wait wait, I forgot my video got 1 view! I’m basically an overnight sensation now, screw my previous content it’s got nothing on this!

Just as I thought, YouTube is an entirely different beast than TikTok. On YouTube you have to HOPE people to watch your video, on TikTok even if people aren’t sure they like your type of content they can at least try out one video. On YouTube you have to put an ungodly amount of effort and editing into literally everything you make, while on TikTok you can be any level of quality and people are still willing to watch if it seems interesting. I try reloading videos it does nothing. I try making new videos, nothing. No one fucking wants anything I make. I don’t make fucking cooking or science videos, the shit YouTube shorts seem to love, I make weird random videos about anime and toys.

I made three wishes in a fountain the other day. For my account back, a girlfriend, and a job. Guess I’m not meant to have those. That or I should’ve spent more than fucking pennies.

[deyadee]

Fear and Guilt

Earlier today my mom was talking to me about weight loss drugs that I could be taking, apparently there’s a new version of one she takes that’s a pill that dissolves in your mouth. Previously it was a shot that you had to get in the side. I took it once and about passed out seeing it because I’m terrified of needles, then made me feel like I was having a heart attack and my ass was on fire. I’ve refused to go and get those shots no matter how much my mom says it helps her and will help me. I of course want to lose weight and not be such a fat ugly bastard anymore but I feel like any potential future like that for me is damn near impossible. I just feel like I have to give up and accept it. I’m HORRIFIED of needles. Do not put those fuckers anywhere near me and especially not in me. I hate getting shots, I hate having my blood drawn. It physically makes me sick to see one used on me or to know that I’m going to get one. I can sit through tons of gore and violence in horror movies like it’s nothing but the second they bring out a syringe I have to cover my eyes.

I agreed to take the pills but said absolute fuck no to the shot. I’ve had it before and it did nothing but make me feel like I was gonna die. I’d rather be fat than feel like I’m on meth or something. Though my mom and dad kept yelling at me to stop being a pussy and take the shots even though I said I’d take the pills. They said it didn’t even hurt and you didn’t notice it, except that’s what every goddamn doctor says before they stab your finger and juice for damn near 10 minutes. That’s what they said last time I got the shot, it felt like someone was grabbing one of my fucking fat rolls and pinching as hard as they could to cut off the circulation. Then afterwards the bitch that did it put it in wrong and it hurt to sit and my ass felt like it was actually fucking burning. Like when you sit on metal after leaving it in the Florida heat all damn day. Yeah no. I know you think I’m a fucking moron but it does goddamn hurt and before it I have to have a full-on panic attack the second I see them bring out a syringe or finger pricker.

So what does any of that have to do with the title? Sometimes I want to tell them that fear is one of the few things that’s keeping me alive. I feel like I would’ve been gone a long time ago if I wasn’t terrified of pain or giving myself a life-long disability. Sure, I’ve never tried to end it with a syringe, but it’s in the same ballpark. I tend to use a boxcutter, scissors, razor, or what’s in the closet. I never *really* do it because I always pussy out of it before I actually get it done. If I didn’t have that threshold of fear they’d’ve had one less daughter for a few years now.

Though I’m sure someone with their fucking Psych 101 class will come in here and say that fear is also holding me back from being happy because I won’t take one fucking shot when I could instead take the pills. I know fear keeps me back from doing a lot of things. Talking to people, trying to make friends, reaching out, telling someone about all of this, and while you might have a point about those- I think some phobias don’t need to be solved. Like needles.

Another one of my main thresholds is guilt. Just tonight I had a boxcutter and thinking about, the blade out against the thinnest bit of skin on my arm, thinking about my final moments. Then I realized how could I end it now when I planned to go to a street fair later this month, and then a few days later go out with my friend after she comes back from a trip? (Yes, I’m also shocked that I still have exactly one friend. This isn’t Watamote.) Not because I think those events are worth living for, but just because I feel guilty if I didn’t come. Or even worse, if I hit rock bottom and just wanna go home and hack and slash I just think “Do I want them to think I died over some stupid bullshit?” Like to me of course it’s a build up of dozens of different things that send me spiraling, but to the ones the outside it’s just because of some mean-spirited joke from a bitchy little brat. People will find me the next day and think “That ONE thing killed her?” When it wasn’t JUST that one thing, but I don’t wanna put a ton of Emo bullshit like “My TikTok account got deleted, I’m fat, and I didn’t get to go to somewhere I wanted today :(“ I’m so fucking weak and I know I’m fucking weak but I can’t admit it. I can’t tell people that something made me upset or that I’m crying because I feel like a failure. I can’t go out and show my parents this blog about me bitching about what I’m gonna do when we all know I’m not gonna do shit but bum around until I end up in a dead-end life but never do it because I feel like I deserve a miserable life. I could bring myself to show someone this blog. I originally wrote a diary promising that one day I’d leave as a note after I did or bring it to someone to read as a final cry for help. I’ve hid that thing away hoping no one will ever find it. I see it every once in a while and can’t bring myself to read more than a sentence because I sound so fucking whiny and useless, I’m sure if anyone else read this blog or that diary they’d tell me to suck it up and stop being such a fucking bitch about everything. Everyone around me has actual problems yet is so much stronger than me. I’m fucking pathetic and I’m scared someone will find it out eventually, if they haven’t already and just pity me too much to admit that they already know.

Random story, but back a few years ago while my family and I were on a walk in the woods I tripped on the path and twisted my ankle, I sat crying and not moving on the ground for I don’t know how long because I’d never felt pain as bad as this before. My parents had to help me to park bench before going to get the car since I couldn’t walk any farther. My little sister sat on the bench next to me as they went to get the car and had tears down her face. I was confused at why she was crying since she usually didn’t cry unless she was in trouble. My mom told me a few days later that she had been crying since she (Little sister) had never seen me cry before. Typically when I cry unless it’s over the loss of a family member/pet, I tend to hide away in my room and turn off the lights so no one can see me. I cried once or twice in the shower but stopped when my family started asking if I was crying in the shower. So I stopped crying in the shower unless I was completely home alone for a week at a time, or I would bottle it up and wait until everyone had gone to sleep to hide in my room and cry in the dark. It’s stupid, but I hate people seeing me cry. I feel like I’m not allowed to cry. Not because other people don’t let me, but because I feel my chest sink when I do, like I’m wasting other people’s time or being some kind of attention whore. I don’t mind when other people cry and I try to comfort or help them, though I don’t know exactly what to do all the time for them and end up just being awkward. Though when I cry I feel like it’s something no one should have to see. I shouldn’t burden everyone else. I shouldn’t bitch when everyone else has worse problems than me. I shouldn’t cry when I know no one will ever truly love me. I shouldn’t get sad when I break up with or get broken up with my girlfriends, I should just expect it to happen. I shouldn’t be surprised that those girls didn’t *really* wanna be my friend, they just wanted to use me as the one that looks worse in comparison to make them look better. When I cry I want to crawl up in my bed, hide away from the world, and hate myself for it.

[deyadee]

My Account(s) Got Deleted

I probably haven’t mentioned this before because honestly I was embarrassed for having one, but for the past few months- maybe since November, I had a TikTok account. Originally I made it so that eventually I could make YouTube videos because to that point I was horrified at hearing my own voice on recording. I figured if I could crap put some random video here and there I’d eventually be ok to move on to actually making bigger more essay-style videos.

After about 150ish videos I got decently popular with 500 followers, 38.3k likes, and 88k views on my top video with pretty consistent rates. Near the end I had 1000 views or more on even my not-as-great videos. I got a confidence boost from it getting comments saying I was actually pretty funny or was entertaining to watch. Since I never appeared on camera, only showing my hands and voicing over top of the footage I never got any comments about how fucking ugly and fat I was. I felt like I was actually good at something in my damn life for once. I mainly made videos about my hyper focuses, anime, monster high, movies things like that. I felt really happy when people would say they’d watch one of the weirder anime I talked about because I convinced them to.

Though a few days ago, I went to check my account first thing in the morning because I liked looking at the comments people had left on my videos after I fell asleep. Only instead I was met with an alternate account that I set up like two years ago for this unboxing series I was doing with a prompt that said my account had been reported for being too young. I’m fucking 21. How goddamn old do you need to be to post videos on a goddamn platform that has 90% fucking children? I went to refute it but when the screen popped up to input my actual age it just fucking disappeared. I spent the rest of the day miserable because there was nothing I could do. I asked for why I was fucking being removed and it just fucking shrugged and said “Oh well, you kind of sound like a kid. It’s your fault you should put in your bio your age and verify your account with your driver’s license and appear on camera.”

1. Who the fuck hears someone’s voice and just immediately assumes “Ah yes this is a fucking child, let’s report them” Thanks you fucking whore ass goddamn motherfucking bitch. I’m sure you think you’re doing the world a goddamn favor by getting rid of a random account. Not like a fucking kid couldn’t just make another account or go to another website. Which, if this website is supposedly for 14+, then why is all the fucking language and everything on there so fucking sanitized that it might as well be goddamn Sesame Street because goddamn forbid adults use bad words.

2. What fucking website makes you verify your age with your driver’s license? I know Facebook and every dick-sucking website has our personal information and there’s goddamn nothing we can do about it, but do you really need my fucking driver’s license? I’m sure you already have my fucking social security number, anything else you fucking pigs want?!? And bullshit it’s to “protect the children” 90% of your fucking customer base is children, is fucking over adults who want to use your goddam platform to make videos about anime so fucking bad for your goddamn bottom line? If you wanna protect the children so fucking badly why do you try to make it appeal to children so fucking bad and then fuck over people who SHOULD be allowed to use your goddamn app? WHY DO YOU NEED TO VERIFY MY ACCOUNT WITH MY PERSONAL GODDAMN INFORMATION USE THE FUCKING EMAIL VERIFICATION LIKE A NORMAL GODDAMN WEBSITE YOU BITCHES!

3. I goddamn hate the notion that “Oh well you should’ve shown your face” WHY SHOULD I BE FORCED TO SHOW MY FACE ON A SOCIAL MEDIA WEBSITE?!?! Am I not allowed to make short-form video content because I don’t show my face for everyone to call me a fat fucking ugly ass hog in the comments?!? I felt happy and confident about myself for once in my goddamn life and now “Oh well you should be born pretty otherwise you’re not suited to make entertainment”

I don’t care about the majority of my videos but some of them I was legitimately proud of and felt like I actually made good content. Some of my best videos are 5-7 minutes long and I didn’t save them because of how much memory it would take up on my phone. So now a lot of my best videos are gone forever. Deleted from history for fucking ever. Because of one goddamn bitch.

I tried to refute the claims but all it did was say that I violated multiple community guidelines even though I read through each one and didn’t find a single goddamn one that I could’ve infringed on. The only one that could’ve was nudity because I have a Nendoroid of En Yufuin from Cute High Earth Defense Club Love that has a body that you can switch out that has a long towel wrapped around his waist which would count because his nipples are out. Two flat dots on a piece of plastic. AND HE’S A DUDE BY THE WAY! I see whores on that app all the time with their tits and ass out but I can’t have a figure show up for two fucking seconds in the background of a video?!

I thought about moving over to YouTube but I tried uploading some of my videos on there and they got fucking 0 on everything, I might as well have uploaded nothing. My content is too long to be a short and too short to be those five hour long iceberg “deep dive” videos that just list the most bare bone info that you can get from glancing a wiki article’s thumbnail. My content doesn’t work on YouTube. TikTok is for shitting out content that isn’t that high quality but is fun to watch and kill 1-5 minutes of time. YouTube is sitting and watching huge ass highly edited videos of someone reading off a script. Not that I can’t make those videos (at least the reading a script part), I just feel I’m better at making short to medium length videos about recommending weird anime or just ranting about something that comes to mind. On YouTube you have to actively CHOOSE to watch videos, on TikTok you’re force-fed them. Out of all the highly edited, high quality, longer videos on YouTube mine is just shit. People have had YEARS to perfect how to get people to click on their videos, while I record random videos of staring at a shelf and mumbling about some new thing.

I mustered up enough confidence to try again and make a second account. I uploaded about 6 videos that I quadruple-checked to make sure were safe and baby-proofed as possible, only for it to get taken down after 4 days. Again it says I have multiple community guidelines violations when I read the fuckers up and down to make sure everything I had was squeaky fucking clean and it still wasn’t good enough. Unless that same fucking skank that fucked me over the first time came by to fuck me over again.

I can’t do it all again. I feel crushed. I don’t think I could ever get to that same level my first account had. I feel like this is a sign from the universe saying “Stay down. Go back to working at the fucking dollar store and letting your dreams die.” I know I wasn’t anywhere near actually getting paid for my work or having some kind of fanbase but I finally felt proud of myself for something I did only for it to crumble to the ground again. Why should I make another account? It’ll just get deleted for no fucking reason. Why try YouTube? I can’t compete. Why put my ugly fucking face on camera if I know everyone will skip right past because even the scum on the bottom of the gutter looks more pleasing to the eye. I can’t do this anymore. I hate feeling like I’m finally good at something, feeling like o have something to live for only my entire existence to prove to be useless other than being a fucking cosmic punching bag. I’ve been trying to be more positive, surround myself with more positive media and content, but it’s all for fucking nothing. Look on the bright side of fucking what? That I exist to die. That I exist to be fucking nothing. That everyone and everything else has a purpose and I’m just here to mooch off of my fucking parents until I finally stop being such a goddamn pussy and end it all?

I know if I wasn’t scared of pain and needles and knives then I’d would’ve been dead years ago but me being too much of a pussy has got me here. WHY AM I STILL FUCKING HERE?

How do you reach out for help when you know you’ll just make it worse? How do you try to climb up from the ashes if you’re just going to burn and burn and burn and fucking burn until you finally stop getting up?

I try to believe in the fucking “indomitable human spirit” but I don’t fucking have it because I’m not goddamn human. Normal goddamn humans can get back up and keep going. Normal fucking humans don’t have to run off to their little suicide blog and bitch like a fucking child because they didn’t get heir fucking way. Other people can accept what they’re destined for and where they’ll end up, or if they can’t they can fight and win. You never hear stories about those who gave up because they’re dead and forgotten.

I probably won’t do it this time because I never have. I get so close. I grab it. I hold it. I aim it at my head, but I can never bring myself to do it because I’m scared I’m gonna fuck it up and end up paralyzed and praying for death every day of my life but no one will answer. Just another sob story.

Maybe I’ll finally get what they call an “NPC mode” where you just go mentally blank and live like a goldfish. Moving to live. Breathing to live. Creating just to get by. Eating to live. Living because there’s nothing else to do.

ADDING ON:

I went on vacation with my little sisters this week and I think I came out worse than when it started. I mean besides losing my account and self esteem, I swear every time my little sister speaks it’s just to sink the knife in deeper.

“So how old are you going to be? 22? EWWW THAT’S OLD!”

“I thought you were supposed to be the tall one in the family”

“Yeah because I have friends and go outside unlike you”

“At least I don’t wear the same outfits everyday. Jean shorts, Emo t-shirt, and hat to hide your balding head”

“Why won’t you watch this with me, you don’t love me you hate me how come when I talk to you you get angry”

I know most of them are jokes but it just felt like every time she was genuinely trying to make me die more inside. I’m too fat, I’m going bald, I have no fashion sense, I dare to get angry after being bitched at constantly, I’m useless, I’m old, I’m wasting my life, I have no friends, I have no job. I swear I’m ready to just fucking smack her I’m so fucking done. I can’t tell my family or they just say I’m being a little soft bitch that can’t take a joke. “What, you’re offended? Ok, nobody make fun of Deyadee, you’ll hurt her feelings! What 22-year-old can’t take a joke from a 14-year-old?”

I just can’t fucking take it, I just wanna shut myself off from the world so I don’t have to deal with it. But since I live in the same house and I’m mooching off my parents there’s nothing I can do but wait until I’m alone to cry. Because I can’t make it a problem that I don’t like something. I can’t say that I hate myself. I can’t say that a fucking child is making me cry myself to sleep every night. I already constantly think about how much I fucking hate everything about myself, I don’t need an hourly reminder on any day that I’m relatively happy. It’s like she specifically watches me to know when would be the best moment to crush me so I can’t do anything. When we’re in the car and I’m singing a song she’ll say “You look at the legs and you look like a child, waist and you look like a fat kid, and face you look like a middle-aged woman” and then be fucking surprised when I don’t respond and just think about carving myself up with a butcher’s knife. I go quiet and don’t respond because I’m just trying to keep myself from seeming like it affects me but it always does. God I just wanna die.

[deyadee]

What is there to do?

I lay in bed, staring at the walls. Whenever I just feel empty, I usually listen to Puru Puru Puruin, or the YouTube version that’s supposed to sound like it’s being played through the walls. It’s a song from Welcome to the NHK. An anime from within an anime. I think the song’s supposed to be about a girl wishing she could be a magical girl to escape from reality. Though every time I hear it I just feel like life is pointless. Weird to say that a cute Japanese song that may or may not be about a girl having depression would be the song that you feel lifeless to, but it is. The show’s about a Hikikomori and NEET that gets cut-off by his parents and slowly comes out into the real world. I’ve probably talked about it before, because I find it to be extremely depressing. A very realistic anime about you should probably keep living even if life seems scary and fucks you over. I’m scared to watch it again because at least with more fantastical dark stories I can just think “Well there’s no big ass dragon that’s coming to kill me so I don’t really have to feel scared about it.” But Welcome to the NHK is very realistic.

But anyway. I was laying in bed listening to this because I couldn’t think of anything to do. Everything felt hollow and useless. Why make something if it’s not going to be good enough? Why watch something if it’s either going to end in disappointment or an ungodly sense of hatred for those better off than you? Why make videos if no one will watch them, and you just feel like a hack for making them? Why do anything? So I played it. And I laid and stared at the wall. Maybe now was the perfect time for it. For ending it. When your family is off in their own little worlds and won’t be disturbed until it’s too late. I got up and grabbed it from my closet. It’s supposed to be there for burglars or break-ins or whatever, but I know what I’ll *actually* end up using it on. I held it in my hands. It’s always heavier than I think until I pick it up. I held the barrel, checked the safety, off as usual. I held it for a while longer, looking down the barrel. I felt if I could actually hold it in the right position to finish it, and I could but it’d be at awkward angle and there’d be a small chance I could live through it.

Sometimes when I’m close to doing it and I’m all alone I imagine my dolls and collectibles calling out to me, begging me not to do it as they’d have no one to care for them. Saying how much they’d miss me, and how much my loved ones would miss me too. How important I am to a few people, how I shouldn’t hurt them like that. I know it’s all just that stupid part of my fucking brain calling me an Emo bitch calling my bluff, but it still makes me pause. I shouldn’t let my mom think this was her fault for some stupid argument earlier that meant nothing. I don’t really want to die, I just want to feel like there’s something to live for. That I have a reason why I shouldn’t keep hating everything I do and everything I am.

[deyadee]

It Doesn’t Sink In Until You Actually Look in the Mirror

I feel like recently once been doing better compared to past years. I’d say I only have a complete breakdown like once a week to a month depending on how things are going. Though there’s still always a feeling at the back of my mind no matter what I’m doing air where I am that’s always scratching and clawing away at me. I have nothing to look forward to. I distract myself day to day with whatever mini arch’s going to get some comedy for the people who are still watching this late into the series, after the quality’s severely gone down and the plots are just getting reused from previous seasons. I don’t really know what kind of job I would want to do because I get bored of things so quickly, and any job I find that I do like I usually leave because I think I can do better money-wise. Though I never save up to move out. What’s the point? To speedrun my fucking depression? Because I know the second I’m completely out on my own for like a week I’ll blow my brains out. I try to pretend like I don’t need people, and I’m pretty introverted so it’s not like I always feel like I need to be around people- but that tends to make me spend what feels like weeks holed up in my room and slowly dying since there’s so little time to spend with the few people around me anymore. Parents are always working. Sisters have their own million things to do. The one friend I have I don’t have any money so I don’t want to bother if I can’t pay for anything that I would wanna do. So I wait for a time when something can happen, and I’m disappointed because everyone’s too tired and busy. I don’t blame them. For my last job I couldn’t do a lot because I was working a lot of the time. So now I dig my face in my phone and try to get through the day. I clean toys, fix my collection. I got a TikTok account and started making videos but now I’m just addicted to watching the numbers slightly go up. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten it but I fucking did with the excuse that there’s more MH videos on there or whatever. Still a fucking hypocrite as always.

But anyways- I know that once I leave my parent’s house there’s nothing for me out there. I feel bad for leeching off of them this long but I don’t have the money and I know on the little times I’ve been truly alone I’ve come seconds away from being another body bag. What is there out there? Exploration that I don’t want to do? Finding a job that ranges from hating it but gets enough money to get by or a job I like where I get paid like I work at McDonald’s? Wasting my time searching for some magical fucking unicorn of a girl to not think I’m repugnant and take me as her like fiftieth option only for us to end in loveless marriage where she’s fucking my friend because I have nothing to offer, if I CAN EVEN FIND A WOMAN? Maybe ending up in a loveless hetero marriage where I’m used as a fucking toy to some manchild before I gut myself? Having kids that I’ll want to strangle after having that little fucker destroy my body even further than I already have before they grow up to be a crack dealer before killing me and taking my last sixteen bucks? Building a collection that just gets me a small hit of dopamine for spending like $50 a day, only for some scum of the fucking earth to break in and steal it all? Care about politics for every single fucking brain-rotted 900-year-old to stroll up and pick the dumbest fucking decisions possible and send everybody back to the fucking Stone Age? Eat myself to death to get that last shred of dopamine? Care about my appearance for it to just continually get worse until I fit perfectly into everyone’s favorite little trailer trash trope? WHAT IS THERE TO FUCKING LIVE FOR?! If this is supposed to be the goddamn peak of my life both physically and emotionally and I’m sitting here staring at a screen and praying that I get 100 fucking people to sit and watch me play with dolls?

A random thought, but I rewatched Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron recently. It’s been one of my favorite movies since I was a kid but I don’t watch it often so I don’t get burnt out on it, so when I rewatched it the other day it felt like I was watching it for the first time. I was legitimately crying at the end because I love that movie so much. I pretty much never feel anything after watching a movie besides “Oh that was pretty good” or “That was bad.” This feeling I got in that moment was pure fucking bliss. I for once felt like life was worth living, like the world could be beautiful and people could make art so powerful that it actually changes you. I know, I know, it’s stupid. But my heart was soaring and I felt like humans weren’t actual hell for once. Life is precious and worth it and you can find the most brilliant amazing beautiful things in places where most people might not. I loved a lot of movies before, and I’ve always loved this movie but this time it felt like it hit me just perfectly. I’ve seen movies that made me feel a certain way, but I was full-on bawling afterwards out of joy for once. I couldn’t stop crying and smiling.

I still don’t know why I felt so happy after it.

[deyadee]

Gift Basket

I just finished my manga collection and was reading through volume 10 of Kiss Him Not Me. It’s a manga about a fujoshi otaku girl who loses a shit load of weight and then suddenly four guys fall in love with her. So in this chapter, she turned back to her old fat self and is being manipulated by this guy she was childhood friends with. The guy traps her as a cliff-hanger for the next volume and says “I’m the only one who likes you for who you are.”

Now I know, this is a manga. This isn’t real. It can be fan-fucking-tastical as it wants, and I don’t expect it to be 100% realistic… but it just makes me think about the manga as whole. The characters do grow to love her and accept her over the course of the story, but what starts their attraction (some of them, not all of them) is her appearance.

I feel like the reason I’ve been so invested in this manga over the series is because I kind of project myself on to the main character. She’s straight, but honestly she doesn’t seem interested in any of the romantic interests or sexually attracted to them. I’m not interested in guys, and I’m Ace, but I like imagining someone actually being interested in me romantically (not sexually). And even if they think they might not actually end up with her they still stick around for the chance and to still be her friend.

Since I was young, I never had that happen. I couldn’t even fathom it happening, because the moment I did I was met with extreme disappointment and bullying. I was the weird fat kid that thought she was a fucking witch and wore the same gross-ass jacket every day. I was the girl other girls would ask if I liked anyone, and if I said anyone or lied about anyone they’d bully them too. It happened so often it just became routine for me to deny even the possibility of someone being interested in me. I ask someone out after finally letting myself think someone reciprocated my feelings, I was crushed and humiliated. Even when I was out of high school it would fucking happen again, and again it would end in my misery. Again, and again, and again. Every single fucking time. I hate goddamn motherfucking people. Everyone just lives to see your goddamn misery. Everyone will piss on your fucking corpse because they have nothing goddamn better to do in their lives.

So you might be asking, why is this titled “Gift Basket” then?

A few weeks ago I put in my two weeks for my work because my family said I should get a better one even though I liked this one. I had gotten a Christmas present for everyone to be nice (or to be a little passive aggressive to the bitch of the workplace) and I have one to this cute cashier girl, thinking nothing of it. I just wanted to be nice and have it as like a goodbye to everyone I had gotten to know there and I didn’t expect or want anything in return. On my second-to-last day she came in (she wasn’t scheduled) and gave me a gift basket. It was so nice and I still thank her for it every time I see her. My mom picked me up and took me home that night when I could finally look through it. It was a Valentine’s Day basket with some candy, a plushie, and a card that had her phone number and socials in it. I just assumed she was being nice and grabbed a random bucket because it was around when our store was stocking Valentine’s Day stuff. Or at least that she wanted to be friends, because on the few times we talked we really clicked. My mom suggested that it could be a romantic thing but I immediately doubted it because well- I’m fat and ugly and just because it’s a bucket that says “Be Mine” on it doesn’t mean anything. I later asked her what she meant because I didn’t want to misinterpret her meaning and she said she meant to be friends (and kind of implied liking me would be gross.) We’ve hung out two times since then as friends and it’s been nice! I’m surprised I actually managed to make a friend.

I’m glad we’re friends, but thinking back on it now I’m just reminded of the dozens of times before it where it ended in misery. It felt weird after I asked her and she said no. Like for once, I didn’t care. Maybe it’s just because I wasn’t interested in her- though I feel like it was just because I knew there isn’t a single timeline or universe where something like that could happen to me. This isn’t a manga. I didn’t lose weight over night and now I’m some mega babe. I don’t have some cute personality or quirk that makes me acceptable to most people. I am at best a background character. I don’t really want to be a “main character” like those dickheads online that will fuck over everyone else for a picture or something, but most people should feel like they’re a main character controlling their story right? Most people feel like they’re actually story-worthy right?

[deyadee]

Halloween

My parents couldn’t pick me up from work because they were off with their friends on a boat and they called me to say that their boat had to be towed or something. So I went to get something from the store that I promised my sister. I thought since I didn’t have anywhere to be that night I could go over and talk to that cute girl at the front. I texted if she was there and she said “No, I’m at a Halloween party in @/78($&3” and like a fucking chump I said “Oh have fun!”

I like how when everything seems fine the world has to prove a point to me that I’m a fucking loser. Like “Hey, look at what this other girl is doing! Having FRIENDS and SOCIALIZING instead of fucking being a manager at a dollar store.” Even when I work part time I feel like I do nothing but work. I mean, at least I like this kind of work more than my last shit job. I mean now I have a higher position than she does, but does that’s the most pathetic fucking thing to brag about. Sure my coworkers, boss, and customers like me- but I feel disconnected from people my own age. I don’t really wanna be out partying and whoring myself out like some people like, but it still feels lonely.

So I spent a crap load of money for no reason at Walgreen’s because buying shit is all I ever do outside work anymore (besides being a disappointment to my parents) and got an Uber. I had my box cutter from work in my hand the entire ride and was close to finally doing something to reach that end goal, but I decided not to so the guy didn’t have to clean up my blood from his car. I always wonder where would be the best place and time to finally fucking do it. If I do it at work then they’d have to clean my blood and it’d probably be shit to go to work every day knowing your manager slit her throat in the bathroom. Plus, it would imply that I hated the job, which isn’t really my problem. My boss is really sweet so I wouldn’t want to do that to her, even if people say you shouldn’t give a shit about the people you work with. If I do it in my bedroom then I know my sisters would barge in and be traumatized seeing their sister’s corpse. I could put some note on the door, but someone would eventually be curious and open the door. I imagine it’s not investigated and cleaned if it’s a suicide so I’m doing that. I might have to wait until I get my own place and then I can get found by someone who didn’t know me as personally. I try looking it up but it’s all bridges and jumping and drowning sounds like the worst way to go out. I heard your lungs filling with water is extremely painful.

I want this to be over and I want to be quick/painless.

[deyadee]

Crushed Compliments and The Uglies Eliminated From Art

Two random little rants I wanted to throw out tonight, even though I have to wake up at 6:30.

The other day while I was working I had a woman come in and say “You look great today!” So I smiled and said thanks. So what do you think her reply was to that? “See, everyone needs a compliment, it makes everyone happier!” To which she then walked off and I could hear her say the same thing to everyone in the store. You could say “Ok, why are you bitching about this? Someone is just positive and trying to brighten your day.” and yes, I do think she was trying to make other people happy but it just makes me feel like shit. There’s nothing wrong with complimenting people, but what’s the fucking point of telling me that you’re just doing it to make me happy and not because it’s genuine compliment? It feels like when someone says “You’re pretty- pretty fucking ugly.”

1. It feels like you’re immediately taking the compliment back and you don’t really mean it. Like you don’t actually think I look good, you’re just doing for-

2. You’re basically pointing a big red sign that says “I’m a good person! Please compliment how good of a person I am! I even compliment people who look like shit! See, I don’t look down on the hideous dregs of society!”

I know I might reading too deep into it but it just feels like shit knowing that one of the few compliments I get is just to fulfill this Bitch’s ego trip.

Why does it feel like there can never be ugly or average looking people in a movie? Anytime there’s the “ugly” girl that everyone bullies and beats on, the second she takes off her glasses she’s a fucking goddess. Anytime there’s a fat person it can’t actually be played by a fat person (unless they’re played by a fat, blonde, unfunny comedian where the whole joke is they’re fat/unfunny) it’s always played by someone who’s fucking stunning and throws on a fat-suit which results in getting a billion fucking awards for daring to play such a challenging role. The few movies I’ve seen that are newer and actually have ugly/fat people are indie movies that have to turn into some body horror thing. Like “Eww, look at this fat disgusting fucking pig walking around and living a normal life. Don’t you hate her? Good! We’ll kill her off!” Everywhere you fucking turn it’s just a fucking slaughter to anyone who doesn’t look exactly how you fucking want. I feel bad watching movies with my mom because through the entire thing she’ll point out some minor detail about someone that I wouldn’t even notice “Her eyebrows are too big, her nose is too big, ugh she’s so fat for this character, she looks so old.” I imagine if I weren’t her daughter she’d do the same to me too, despite looking exactly the same way she did in high school but 50 pounds fatter.

[deyadee]

Title-less

I thought I had finally found a job that I was good at something, or found a place on life where I didn’t hate myself or hate what I was doing. But life always has to always kick you in the fucking face when you find any last bit of hope.

I got promoted recently which made me feel like I was actually doing something right with my life. Like what I’d heard my whole life from people who didn’t pity me wasn’t always true. I’m just fucking useless and can’t get a damn thing right. It doesn’t matter what I do I always have to fuck it up in some astronomical way and prove that I’m just fucking any king bimbo with no looks. A complete fucking moron that’s barely capable of putting a sentence together let alone bumbling through any fucking task put in front of her. Why would you do that, _____? Do you not have any common sense? Why’d it take you so long to do this, _____? Are you fucking lazy or stupid? Or both? Why can’t you just get it right like 90% of the fucking population? Why are so fucking sense? Why are you so fucking incompetent in every fucking way imaginable? Can you go one day without disappointing your parents or lying to them every day so they don’t lose every last hope they had for their fucking failure of a daughter? How have your little sisters done more than you when you’re fucking 21?!

People keep quitting left and right. I only wanted to stay for a little while until I could put on my resume that I had manager experience then I could just get an easier job. Today I fucked up again and it was a mess and confusing and I didn’t know what was going on yet it was my fucking fault. Then one of the cashiers quit and I had to take up for her. There’s like five people left working here including me. Two above me and two below. I don’t want to keep working here cause I know it’s gonna be ten times more work, ten times more stress, and more failure to come. I don’t want to keep working but the idea of trying to find another job sounds terrifying going through the process again. I pretty much walked in and got this one. Being nice to customers and actually trying to do my job was pretty much the only reason I got promoted. Stay on the sinking ship or jump into the water below?

And tonight before we left we were doing a bag check. My manager (I have two and this is the one that doesn’t hate me) has been saying more questionable stuff that I’ve just been ignoring until tonight’s bag check when she said “You’re the girl who eats more crap than I’ve ever seen.” And at the time I just laughed it off but it fucking hit like a fucking truck. Yes, I will admit I buy a lot of shit, and I don’t eat in a healthy way but it still felt insulting. I just hate acknowledging what I eat or what I look like because even thinking of it makes me want to blow my fucking head off the second I get access to any firearms. I hate knowing that no matter how nice I am, no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I try to be a good person or what society wants from me I have and will always be seen as that fat stupid bitch. I hate looking in mirrors because I don’t want to see who I actually am. When I’m at work I can just pretend I’m average enough not to be acknowledged or at least seen as an equal individual to anyone else. But every morning and every night I have to go home and see that fucking double chin and lay down on my bed and mentally picture my repulsive self. What’s the point in trying? What’s the point in hoping eventually everything will just work out and all those romcom movie tropes will come true and I won’t just die a lonely loser? What’s the point in continuing if you genuinely have nothing to live and hope for? I don’t want kids. I don’t have some kind of dream job really. I don’t have places I wanna go or things I wanna do. I just want to melt away into the fabric of reality and disappear.