dezzyrue

[dezzyrue]

Lifes Depressing

I have no energy to do anything, life just feels like existing. Whats the point...being depressed, dragging each day on and on like it means something...life sucks, get wrecked...who cares

[dezzyrue]

Olivia Margraf-Posta  -  https://www.linkedin.com/in/olivia-margraf-79746732  -  http://sketcholivia.tumblr.com

[dezzyrue]

Facebook

Sucks donkey dick, its either not working properly or someone didnt like my poem n reported it like...well the above comment.

Why bother trying to post poems for my friends to see if this shits going to happen

, im so done with people. The lieing, the cheating, the fact u cant fucking say anything without anyone getting butthurt

[dezzyrue]

Unwanted Breaks

Havent had THC in 2 weeks....hahahaha, god i feel good. Cant wait to have this rekaxing moment then be more of the confident me

[dezzyrue]

Stress

Throw yourself into work, atleast your being productive. Expecially when most of the stress is work related, aside from matters of the heart.

It may seem like i am depressing and negative and a debby downer. But i have depression. And when its late, i cant sleep n feelings and thoughts creep into my mind.

I need to express this because once i do it makes me feel better. Atleast a little bit, i get out how i feel and share a bit of myself everytime i do. I never had an outlet, there are people but i hate bothering them. I feel like a clingy mess when i do that...i dont like upsetting anyone. I hate how all i want to do is talk to one person because hes upset...n make him feel better, but everyone copes in different ways amd i need to let him cope.

Im going to treat him to a good night when he is feling better and free...he needs it.

[dezzyrue]

surasak jaipuk  -  https://twitter.com/KuchuPack  -  https://www.behance.net/kuchu  -  https://kuchumemories9.deviantart.com  -  https://www.facebook.com/pack.kuchukuchu  -  https://www.patreon.com/user?u=502186  -  https://www.instagram.com/kuchupack  -  https://www.facebook.com/kuchuOnArt

[dezzyrue]

Oh WTH

Idc if he sees this, im never myself and i want to be myself around him. I wanted this tumblr to be able to vent, even my feelings for him...but he said i gotta follow him, n i know i dont have to but that makes him happy, and if it makes him happy i'm going to do it.

I like a boy...he is trans, and that doesnt make him any less a man then any other average joe, then again I dont see him as average.

He is a sweet guy, he thinks of others, he cares, we have a lot in common, he tries to cope with things that seem to much, and i know there is self hate..which we sadly share, not to the same extent but i can understand a bit more then most. He has scars and so do i...in body, mind, and heart.

He deserves the world, tho he may not see it. He deserves happiness, tho he may not see it. He deserves love, but he doesn't feel it. I want to be with him, but I dont want to push him away. I dont ever take what I want...i want to be with him but I just dont feel good enough to be nor that he feels the same, i want him happy and that is all i want.

I want to be happy to...and i want to be honest, tell him everything and i do. I wake up every morning hoping hes smiled just once..or isnt lonely at night crying to sleep. This is new to me...ive never liked a boy to this extent, and i dont want to say i love him when we have bearly hung out. I dont know if i do, but i know i care a lot and dont want to drive him away with my stupid clinginess that ive driven one other away with. If we happen i would be the happiest girl in the world, i feel like a pretty girl when he calls me boo or babe..i feel so happy when he calls me those things. But if it doesnt happen and we are just friends, as long as someone can make him smile everyday and doesnt hurt him, can give him the joy i feel at this moment...then i will be happy know he is.

...but if anyone hurts him...expect all hell to rain down on them like Katrina..and i mean every word of it.

[dezzyrue]

SHU  -  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClh6_a3EHbaIHnmK8GgMfIQ  -  https://twitter.com/SHU_Littlebit  -  https://www.facebook.com/shu.littlebit

[dezzyrue]

Important!?

I dont feel important...to anyone, i do things that make me happy and i get shat on. "I'm so excited to see you" until u see i dont have long luscious hair..that im not as pretty as u want me to be...im never good for anyone. I wasnt good enough to touch for 2 months by my ex, i wasnt good enough to be held, to be told they love me, to be held lovingly, TO BE GIVEN A DAMN ABOUT!

I want to fucking be alone, but no...its not healthy....no, cuz id hurt myself and i dont want to hurt myself. Cuz god forbid i think of everyone elses happiness before mine, for ONE FUCKING MOMENT, i would like someone to think of what makes ME happy...not them, to be cared about to...to have feelings reciprocated. But I know this will take time...and i need to learn to chill out. Life goes on, people leave...and i dont want to push anyone else away because i cant fucking control my feelings.

[dezzyrue]

Canmabis Oil

Trying so hard to stay awake...i think i hit my head but idk...it kinda hurts n i heard myself hit the ground but i didnt see it, i remember my eyes rolling to the back of my head n hearing myself hit the trash bag next to the steps, i held the wall trying to get low to prepare myself for the inevitable...but i just remember hearing it. Id never drop my phone...n i jad to go looking for it, i got myself together fast afterwards, i had alcohol in my system as well...6 shots and a can of just opened budwiser someone had bought me...i bearly sipped it but i hit that oil long and hard about 4-6 times...13mins later im on the ground outside, then guzzling water n soaking my head. How i got the water and to the bathroom i dont remember but i got there.

Been a good 3 months since i hit the ground, was a good day. Partied for the first time in a really long time...

[dezzyrue]

Well Fuck, It's Awkard

What is the chances that I am stuck at the same exact bus stop that mr. Creeps mom is at....greaaaat, good thing i got a wig n lost weight. She hasent seemed to notice its me. And i beg that she doesnt...oh hey yeah,i hate your son and he isnt my friend all he is, is a perverted loser i cant trust and takes advantage of people, pft. Just what i needed today

[dezzyrue]

But A Touch

Too feel the warm embrace of another as their heartbeat echos in your ear. This feeling so simple and yet so delicate, Always just out of reach. Lips pressed against a mind so fraught with thoughts, Eases the worry and the self hate. A body so ashamed to be broken, But yet being held by someone whose very thought to mind makes the knees weak. One who craves for human contact because they have been denied it multiple times, Finally has a feeling of safety in one which shares the inner most thoughts of this emotional being. Just hold me and everything will be alright, And I will hold you when the time comes to.

[dezzyrue]

Self Harm

This is a delicate topic...but its about me... I got really drunk and high one night, i felt particularly alone and distant. I was sitting in the bath tub of an ex's bathroom with a gravity bong i made and stem,seeing as how i wasnt allowed to have any actual weed. I sat there...crying, hating myself and what had become of my life. (Explained after) I sat there was a shaving razor...the only thing sharp enough...and cut away at the slin on my arms...peeling flesh..it felt like i was melting into bliss, i didnt know how bad it was all i knew was it felt relaxing..i cut at my wrist, cringing and gritting my teeth..but the next morning..when i was sober...i regretted it, all of it...and the scars left behind, i hate them and i hate what i did to myself...n i hate.. that i liked it. I wanted to die, but i knew...mom would be upset..friends would miss me...n finding an ex bloody in the bathtub in the morning...would destroy whats left of p's innocence. Day in and day out my ex would be on the phone with her bitch of a gf, not that she was any better. Say how much shes cute, how she wants to hug her, she is a sex addict n would constantly masterbate under a blanket next to me and her roomate, who was also her ex fiance(p), constantly moaning her name. I wasnt given any affection when we dated, no cuddles, bearly any kisses, forced to sleep on a floor, and constantly affraid...and the fact she abused her ex fiance, and i was so terrified i didnt say a word. In private i would comfort her ex..but with drugs in the house, the cops wasnt an option...bigots outside as far as the eye can see... This isnt a happy story...but its sometbinf thats been eating at me...everyday, everyday i can see the scars...they maybe light now..but they are there...n i hate seeing them..n remembering it...n i dont think many will understand.

[dezzyrue]

Blogs!?

I think im gping to make a furry related blog so i dont freak some people out with nsfw shit xD i didnt think about people seeing likes .-. Ooops, sry...ill make one before i like anymore fur stuff. Maybe a Drag blog to...or 420, hmm the thoughts, juices flowin

[dezzyrue]

Bored

I forgot how much not having a job sucks...heh i need a life. I remember hating work before i went to Kentucky, now all i want is to hang with people and have a job and money and go places. Thinking of using some of this purole extension hair to make a hat with some long hair, i can be all emo again hehe

[dezzyrue]

Just look at that face, it makes me melt ;-; so cute...to cute...im dieingggg

[dezzyrue]

I really HATE when people tell me what I deserve. Who are you to tell me what I do and do not deserve!? "Oh,you deserve better then me, i'm not worth it" and "You have been hurt to much, I can't hurt you, your so much better then me". First off, not being with me when I already care so much and jerking my heart around IS FUCKING HURTING ME MORE! I could care less (on a strickly relationship basis) if your suicidal, addicted to anything, or a fucking mess. What I "deserve" is for someone to fucking stay in my life and not turn around a leave me when I want to love someone. Who says "I was falling in love with you, but im not worth your time." BITCH, IF YOU WEREN'T WORTH MY TIME WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE!?!?! Why do I fucking care so much if I thought you were anything less then amazing...because I can see the soul that lives inside, the soul i want to care for, to support you through whatever comes our way, good, bad, or anything inbetween v_v