dgaf-dgaf-blog

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

How To Be A Cool Girl™ at Dartmouth

Despite the fact that, yes, the term is starting to wind towards its close and yes, Derrick from your 10A is going abroad in the fall and you won’t see him for like 8 years, THERE IS NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT TO TOTALLY REINVENT YOURSELF!!!! Yes. That’s right. It’s week 7, it’s nearly formal szn, and it’s time to become one of those Cool Girls™ you always see running table at [insert typical Cool Girl™ frat] with her many suitors.  

If you haven’t read Buzzfeed’s article on stealing secrets from Cool Girls™ like how they stay hot all the time, you really should. Though a real-world Cool Girl™ may be a bit different from a Dartmouth Cool Girl™, they share many of the same key identifiers. Unfortunately, not all of us are naturally gifted the ability to be a Dartmouth Cool Girl™. Luckily for you, DGAF is here to expose all the things that make a Cool Girl™ who she is - just follow along and you can transform yourself from drab to fab in no time!

Ability to maintain size 2 frame while drinking 6-10 Keystones/night

Anyone who is anyone knows that the typical Dartmouth Cool Girl™ lives at the gym. Not only does she love her 8am P.E. class, but she also stays afterwards to run 8 miles on the treadmill and do a 45 minute ab workout as the cherry on top - after all, if she is going to go out later and proceed to hold table for 8 games at Theta Beta Upsilon, she needs to be #toned, #fit, and #ready to drink heavily.

Social chair of her sorority

Speaking of going out - Cool Dartmouth Girl™ almost always has a position within her respective sorority. Most likely a budding social chair, her sisters trust that her numerous close friendships with guys from all the Cool Girl™ frats will ensure a social calendar filled with tails and semis and darties to their heart’s content.

Perfect hair with slightly noticeable but sophisticatedly subtle balayage highlights

Think it’s impossible to wake up every morning and have a good hair day? Think again. Dartmouth Cool Girl™ never steps foot out of her 3 room triple in Streeter (Allen House is super A-Side) with a strand out of place. Whether she leaves her subtle waves in for the day or quickly runs a straightener over any outlying pieces, she never fails to strut down Tuck Drive with shining, shimmering locks.

Year-round tan despite living in the tundra

The real key to this is being able to balance the subtle art of self-tanner mixed in with daily walks when it’s sunny out / visits to the Ledyard docks once the weather warms up. Cool Dartmouth Girl™ always finds time between her numerous extracurriculars and classes to go tan by the river, and you can count on her to post a carefully curated collection of Instagram stories when the sun starts to set.

Crunchy but you’d never expect it

Speaking of the Ledyard docks… Cool Dartmouth Girl™ always has something new and unusual up her sleeve, and usually this happens to be a secret appreciation and love of the outdoors. Whether she is lowkey a beast at whitewater kayaking, actually hiked the 50, or has run and continues to train for marathons, Cool Dartmouth Girl™ never ceases to amaze her peers with her ability to do be a weapon of the outdoors.

Internship at Goldman but is a pre-med engineer modified with Econ and minoring in Gov and Public Policy but only because she wanted to do First Year Fellows

Cool Dartmouth Girl™ finished all of her distribs during freshman year, so she’s had a lot of room in her D-Plan to fit in her 3 majors, pre-med requirements, and complete the B.E. at Thayer in 4 years instead of 5. Her numerous accolades, robust internship experience on Capitol Hill, and 3.9 GPA landed her a summer internship as an analyst in the IBD at Goldman, and she cannot wait to live in FiDi over the summer so that she can frequent the likes of Brooklyn in order to work on curating her Instagram aesthetic.

If you had to look up what IBD is, it’s too late.

Studied abroad in Europe and met a prince who is now her boyfriend

Speaking of the D-Plan - when Cool Dartmouth Girl™ is not running campus in Hanover or  taking an off term in NYC, she is probably completing one of Dartmouth’s numerous FSPs offered to undergrads. Cool Dartmouth Girl™ probably studied abroad somewhere uber-chic like London, Paris, or Copenhagen, but she might have gone more rogue and furthered her studies in places like Budapest or Prague. It doesn’t matter where she went, though, as much as it does what she gained from the experience - a rich, handsome, ROYAL boyfriend, who happens to be third in line for the throne of so and so country. Catch Cool Dartmouth Girl™ being the next Meghan Markle - literally!

Isn’t a real human being and is actually a vampire robot

As much as you would like to say you were shocked and utterly betrayed when you found on that Cool Dartmouth Girl™ was actually not a real human being, you really can’t be all that surprised. Her sparkling skin, unnaturally sharp and glistening white teeth, bloodthirsty competitiveness during pong, and inability to react normally to human emotion probably should have given it away by now.

As much as I would like to say “Hahaha it takes one to know one! Lmao yeah I am hot af,” I regret to inform you that unfortunately my desire to be a pre-med engineer working at Goldman fell through. There’s not much that a Gov major gets you these days but I guess I will have to settle for B-Side Morgan Stanley.

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

Tapped or Headass?

For as much weird shit goes down on this campus on a normal day, winter and spring bring about new levels of potentially unusual and definitely questionable behavior. Ah, yes, tapping szn is upon us, and so begins the eternal process of figuring out if your friends are now even more elitist or just really fucking weird.

Crocs

Though considered by many to be a staple of their wardrobe, Crocs have elicited a mixed response from the Dartmouth community when it comes to sporting them around campus. When trying to figure out if your Croc-wearing friend was tapped or is simply a headass, one must consider the implications of where they happen to be wearing these rubber beauties. 

Friend wearing Crocs at Foco: Headass

Friend wearing Crocs in Silsby: TAPPED

Nobody would ever willingly enter Silsby while not wearing Gucci loafers on account of they cannot POSSIBLY jeopardize their chance to work at Goldman $achs. Tell your friend Jason that you know he’s in Sphinx and he can take his Egyptian jibbitz right back to whatever the fuck is inside AD’s second HQ the mausoleum. 

Surveys

In an age of psychological investigation, it only makes sense that people are always asking questions... but are you always asking the right questions? Are your survey-polling friends really in it for the academic research??? Or is there something more going on here that you're not so sure about? 

Friend sending you a Pulse survey: Headass

"Friend" sending you a "PLEASE TAKE MY GOV 10 SURVEY" survey: TAPPED

One gives you rewards and shows you the results, while the other is very secretive and you never truly know the purpose behind it… just saying…

Instagram Stories

To much chagrin from the staff here at DGAF, Instagram stories have taken over the world of social media and are more extra than ever before. Because somebody decided it was okay to post random shit on their Insta stories, however, it has been all the more difficult to tell if Suzie from your Econ class was tapped or is just really into niche lemur memes. 

Posting an Instagram story of Bob from TDX: Headass

Posting an Instagram story of Bob Ross: TAPPED

For as much as Bob from Theta Delt is an icon for our generation (I mean he can definitely shotgun a beer in like, 2.8693 seconds, that's pretty impressive), a true appreciation for Bob Ross is rare find these days. Alongside the likes of the Walmart Yodel Kid, if you see traces of iconic celebrities, you best believe that homie was #tapped.

Other Signs

Though Crocs, Surveys, and Instagram stories are surely indicative of whether or not your weird ass friends will now be busy come Monday nights, they do not by any means encompass all of the dumb shit that people do around campus on any given day. Here are just a few more guiding lights to tell whether or not your silly friends have been up to tomfoolery for a larger purpose or because they are just fun!!!

Headass

Tapped

Crossing guard at the stoplight in town

Does not take the elevator. Ever. 

Eating sushi with a fork

Officiating marriage ceremony at wedding tails

Reading poetry in general

Wearing a skirt?? In this weather???

Goes to office hours, but like actually goes to office hours

Crossing guard on the green

FFB elevator doorman

Eating everything with only chopsticks

Officiating marriage ceremony on 3FB

Reading poetry in Foco

Wearing a metallic silver skirt to class

Goes to office hours, pays attention and asks meaningful questions

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

Dartmouth Accepts AD's Proposal To Be Turned Into "Office Space" To Encourage More Students To Go To Office Hours

Hanover, NH -- In a shocking turn of events, Dartmouth College has accepted a proposal from the fraternity formerly known as Alpha Delta to turn its previous residence at 9 E Wheelock St into offices for the organization’s internal use. In a quite controversial move following the organization’s derecognition in Spring of 2015 and the failure of zoning permit legislation Article 9 last year, the College has said that it hopes their decision will both promote more good will from students towards the administration as well as encourage more students to attend “office hours” in the newly renovated space. 

“At the beginning, [Alpha Delta’s] bylaws were focused on running an undergraduate fraternity where they could get away with shit like peeing in a gutter and handing out some thicc brands, which was not permissible in this location because fraternities, which are associated or affiliated with the College, must be operated in a way that doesn’t make [Dartmouth] look like a burning bastion of drinking and debauchery,” said a member of the current administration who wishes to remain unnamed. 

According to the Hanover Zoning Laws, a property in the institutional zone, which means the area roughly corresponding to Dartmouth’s campus, must be used in a way that is consistent with AD’s own institutional purposes as well as the permissions of the College. 

In what appears to be a compromise, Dartmouth hopes to up its percentage of students attending weekly “office hours” in exchange for Alpha Delta’s renewed ability to function undercover, with plans to continue their original goals with new labels. 

“Who’s to say that playing a game of pong can’t be considered physics homework? Or the branding of an ass work in chemical thermodynamics?” An unnamed alum of Alpha Delta explains to us how, even though AD won’t be considered an official fraternity anymore, they won’t let the old traditions fail. 

“I think the transformation of the house into an office space will be a great thing for the school,” says Phil Hanlon ‘77, surely reminiscent of his own days spent in the AD basement.   

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

Types of Relationships You’ll Have at Dartmouth as Described by DDS and More!

Novack — Booty Call

A late night, reliable boy that you never really want but you end up getting with when it’s 2am and you’re desperate. It’s, like, fine. I’m fine.

KAF — Long Term Hookup

This guy has too much of a superiority complex to take you on a real date and always has an excuse for being “busy” no matter what. He’s always “so fucked with work” yet spends his time inefficiently waiting in the KAF line on Instagram while complaining. Thinks he’s very cool and complex - but at the end of the day he’s still just drinking chocolate milk. Grow up babe.

Foco — “It’s Complicated”

This guy is really trying… but it just never really works out. Goes through waves of being good and meh. He’s trying to figure out who he is right now, but he dabbles in some weird areas like fucking Biminbop. And at the end of the day you’re really not going to end up with Bipinbop (or however the fuck it’s spelled). You start getting sick of this shit after freshman year and you really haven’t gone back since.

Food Truck — Fuck the D-plan

This guy was AMAZING... that one time you were both on campus... which was 3 terms ago. You literally thought you met the man of your dreams. Sucks to suck – maybe senior year you’ll finally line up. But you’ll probably forget all about him by then.

Hop — Friends with Benefits

This guy is definitely a guilty pleasure. Your friends all warn you that it’s not long-term and probably self-destructive, but you just can’t resist – sometimes you just WANT it. I mean, it can’t be that bad for you… right? RIGHT?

Collis — The Friend Zone

This guy you see everyday. You never really want him, he’s just kinda always there. Sometimes when you’re drunk he seems way more attractive, but in the daylight he’s just kinda, I don’t know, meh. Your mom really wants you to date him, though, and says he would be great for you. Maybe you should heed her advice, just like when she said you should stop getting a burger from the Hop for dinner every night.

Domino’s — SMH

This is the guy you always hook up with and know it probably wasn't the best idea. Maybe he’s your friend's ex, or maybe he's that notorious dude who always manages to get in a fight. You were too hammered to have good judgment here, and the opportunity was just too tempting to turn down. It happens to us all, but you’re definitely going to regret this one in the morning. And the worst part of all? The hook up wasn’t even good enough to be worth it. Ugh.

Tuck Dining Hall (Byrne) — The Elusive ~Tuckie~

The older man... he seems so exotic and sophisticated, but really just a more narrow minded Foco without the Foco cookies. At the end of the day, though, it’s really not much better than Bimipbop and just a lot more effort (and real money / DA$H?). You wonder how you got here in the first place.

Home Cooked Meal — Long Distance Relationship with Home Boy

This guy is really nice when you get to see him. His presence is comforting... but you just can’t do it all the time. It’s a lot of effort, and you always wonder — is he really doing that much for you? Tbh you’re not much of a chef anyways, so it wasn’t that great in hindsight, but you tried to make it work. 

Pine - The Real Deal.

Once you meet this guy, you will wonder what you’ve been doing wrong this whole time. Finally someone whom you can introduce to your parents without them hating him or making snide comments behind your back. You wonder when your standards for men fell so far, but thank god you snapped out of it.

Ramen - Tapping Out

All other options have failed you. You’re just tired of the bullshit. You decide to be a self-sufficient woman who don’t need no man. Men are trash.

 xoxo

Fuckboi Finder

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

18W Playlist That Is Sure To Keep Things (Negative) 100

Having trouble finding suitable jams to listen to while trekking through negative temperatures to get to class? Worried that your pong playlist just isn't good enough? Look no further – DGAF has crafted the perfect playlist to get you through the Bomb Cyclone in style:

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

To Cuff or Not To Cuff? Cuffing Szn™ Analyzed

Now that 18WtfIsABombCyclone is upon us, only one thing is certain: Cuffing Szn™ is back. Is Cuffing Szn™ truly worth the hype, though? Or should you be stocking up on non-perishables from Collis for when we’re inevitably snowed into our dorms from weeks 2 through 8? In today’s article, we’ll examine the true pros and cons of Cuffing Szn™ so you can go out into the world (or at least a snowbank) knowing What. You. Want.

A)   Clothing

Pro: When you’re cuffed, your winter wardrobe doubles! Bae’s hoodies are your hoodies. Bae’s sweatshirts are your sweatshirts. Bae’s football pads are your football pads. Not only does this mean exponentially more stylish combinations for you to rock in the library, but you can announce that you’re hooking up with someone without even saying anything by wearing all their clothes! #modesty

Con: Bae’s hoodies kind of smell like frat basement. Bae’s sweatshirts are covered in dog hair from his golden retriever at home. Bae’s football pads are literally heavy enough to crush you. Also, if (God forbid) bae becomes ex-bae, the sore subject of “returning shit” must be breached.

B)   Sleeping

Pro: Is there anything worse than walking 0.75 miles home from frat row to East Wheezy in extremely negative temperatures wearing only your fracket, a mesh top, some booties, and a skirt? Objectively no. Simply get hitched in order to conveniently have TWO rooms on campus! Not only yours, but also bae’s. This means twice as many locations where it is socially acceptable for you to pass out with little given notice. Just choose the location which means sacrificing fewer fingers to frostbite.

Con: I’m all for romance and the intimacy of sharing a bed with the one you love, but let’s not get carried away here – not all of us plebeians on campus have the luxury of a full-sized bed in our rooms. So be warned if your potential bae was not the type to upgrade – because it is not a bed you will be sleeping on. It is a twin XL cot with sheets your significant other’s mother bought (which should be washed). S.O. also probably snores and may or may not have to wake up for morning lift at 6 a.m.

C)   Netflix Company

Pro: Everyone knows Netflix is more fun when you’re curled up with someone you care about deeply and also who never forgets to bring binge-watching snacks. You can also get away with literally sitting around watching hours of TV by telling people it was a “date”. Plus, if bae has Hulu, HBO, or Amazon Prime? Golden.

Con: This boi refuses to watch anything but Netflix originals or movies starring Will Ferrell. Also, if he watches ONE more episode of Stranger Things without you, you swear you’re going to lose it. You also don’t want bae to know you RELIGIOUSLY watch The Bachelor. That being said, you’re getting behind and you need to know which girl’s ex-boyfriend’s gay uncle’s college roommate’s brother came on the show to reveal that she’s secretly a snek.

D)   Emotional Intimacy and the Chance at a Mature and Healthy Relationship

Pro: This actually sounds appealing. Your grandparents would also be #psyched if you “finally found a nice young man”

Con: Even if cuffed, minimal chance of this happening.

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

Who Is Responsible For Instagram Stories Being So Extra???

I can guarantee you that I was not the only person rueing the creation of Instagram stories when they announced the feature for the first time on August 2nd, 2016. And quite honestly, my toleration for Instagram is only mitigated by my enthusiasm for the rise of finstas and how it is now acceptable to post ridiculous things on the internet! Good thing I can never run for political office!

Regardless, since the day that Instagram stories became a thing, anyone with more than like 69 Instagram followers has at least one betch friend that is extra as hell with her Instagram story. Nothing against all you proponents of the Insta Story™ — it just has to be acknowledged that the stories themselves have gone from something to cringe at…

Oh my god, I cannot BELIEVE that Stacy put something on her Instagram story WHAT THE FUCK it was already on Snapchat I don’t need this shit (circa 2016)

… to something that has now become a daily staple in the lives of betches everywhere:

Yeah but can you just wait a sec because I have to post this on Snap but also we need to do a Boomerang with our Mojitos for Insta ok?  (circa 2017)

Who are the people responsible for the extra-ness on your feed, you may ask? Look no further than the 5 categories as to who to blame for your incessant social media fuel. 

Lizzie McGuire is a Snapchat Repeater!

The social media version of deja vu, this person thinks that the whole world needs to see whatever they’re up to at any point during the day at least twice (and that’s if they’re not one of those headasses that thinks it’s okay to send a snap to you directly, to a mutual snap group, and also story it). If they’re clever, they might change the angle, caption, or general theme of what they’re documenting. If they’re not, the only difference will be that their text is in some colorful box that matches the background. Despite my torrent hatred for Instagram stories, I can only assume that it is 100% necessary for everyone to document their day-to-day musings on at least two social media platforms — how else are the people who aren’t invited to Sunday brunch supposed to get the 411 these days? 

Teenage Mutant Birthday Poster

What do Raphael, Michelangelo, Leonardo, and Donatello have in common? Ninja turtles by name, Renaissance artists by profession (did I get this right?). And no one is more of a modern-day Renaissance artist than those betches that spend 2+ hours every other day crafting the perfect birthday post for every best friend, girl in their sorority, and freshman floormates’ boyfriend’s dog’s cousin. Every extra betch knows that instead of ruining your VSCO-perfected Insta aesthetic™ by, GOD FORBID, posting a funny or cute picture of you and your bestie for her birthday (I mean, will people really remember you’re actually at your house in Cancun if you do??), you can post an Instagram story! Yes, finally a cop-out to protect your profile and keep your social climbing friends from yelling at you for failing to acknowledge them on their birthday. No birthday post is complete without color-coordinating cursive writing mixed with some stickers, block text, and at least 3 clickable picture slides. Duh.

Budding Graphic Designers

Imagine if the Birthday Posters wanted to wish a Happy Birthday to anyone and everything in their life, and you have your Budding Graphic Designers. Feel the need to story your $5 latte? Better slap some 8 different text boxes on it to make sure that people know you’re #hip #trendy and #artistic at [insert coffee shop that isn’t Starbucks]. Missing your dog? Throw that good boi a little like/heart sticker plus some cursive writing and bang — now you are an official Insta pooch proponent. There is no end to different combinations of drawing, text, stickers, filters — you name it, the feature is being used. White space is for chumps!

Only Boomerangs. That’s It. 

It started out with toasts of fruity drinks in Punta Cana, but now the Boomerang Wizard of your followers with make a replaying video of almost anything. Walking to class? Boomerang that shit. Eating your KAF Salad? Boomerang or it didn’t happen. Someone booting on Webster? Boomerang it for the mems. They’ll thank you later. 

Serial Poller

Have you ever felt the need to ask all 1,000 of your closest friends which shoes you should buy from the store? Or maybe you just wanted to be silly and ask a question about which Christmas lights were prettier when you just made both answers “all of them”??? Me neither. Sorry, acquaintance from high school, but I don’t give a shit that you can’t decide what drink to order at whatever boujee-ass bar your parents are paying for you to go to, and no, I’m not going to answer your fucking Instagram poll. Or you, girl from my Chemistry class, I’m not going to respond to your poll when both of the options are the SAME FUCKING ANSWER!!! 

And there we have it – the culprits behind why you somehow manage to spend hours watching other people’s stories on Instagram just to get rid of those annoying icons on the top of your feed. Personally I will stick to Snapchat as far as documenting my meaningless muses throughout the day, but who knows? Maybe I wrote this article just show I could share my own Insta stories without the social backlash ;)   

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

12 Stocking Stuffers for the Millennial Knitter

By Gail

So, in the latest of hipster traditions of just copying your grandmother and calling it a “millennial thing,” I’ve taken up knitting this winterim. And because I’m broke af, I am knitting all of my Christmas presents for friends and family – here are 12 knitting project ideas to stuff your stockings this holiday season.

1.     Knit Jockstrap

This one’s for all the men who feel obligated to drop trou the second they see a fully clothed woman, or in some cases, a potted plant. This will keep your bits toasty warm, and will even cover your ass (though not literally) and potentially protect you from indecent exposure charges. Find a pattern here and make sure to use merino wool or even baby alpaca to keep it nice and cozy.

2.     Tampon sleeve

Are you tired of sliding a tampon up your sleeve to make that incognito scurry to the FFB bathroom? Stop menstru-shaming yourself and carry your tampon out and proud in a knit tampon cozy. Try this uterus-shaped cozy, complete with ovary tassels, as the perfect stocking stuffer. 

3.     Beer mitten

Coming into 18W, I know the most pressing worry on all of our minds: how to continue guzzling our beverage of choice without freezing. Try knitting this beer mitten, to keep your hands warm and your Keystone cold.

4.     Flask cozy

Camouflage your MDF-unapproved drinking tendencies with a knit flask cozy. A few pattern ideas: frat floor colored, to facilitate disappearance into the sludge when the lights flicker three times, or monogramming with someone else’s initials, to shift suspicion elsewhere

5.     Dildo sleeve

Because your dildo gets lonely too. Love this sushi cozy idea!

6.     Nose Warmer

So your snot doesn’t freeze inside your nose this winter. Freshmen, beware.

7.     Heart

For that friend who doesn’t have one. Pattern here.

8.     Craft Brew

BYOB to microbrews, or give this to that one friend whose sole dream in life is to grow a beard, live in Brooklyn, and start a craft brewery.

9.     Frou-Frou Fingerless Mitts

The perfect gift to shatter anyone’s fragile masculinity – both frilly and useless, knit these fingerless mitts just to say you care.

10.  Beard Beanie

For that friend who hates No Shave November and just wants hair on his face, whether it comes from him or an animal or even just a synthetic polymer: click here.

11.  Boob Hat

#freethenipple

12.  Avocado Sock

For perfectly ripened avocados, which you can enjoy instead of a mortgage

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

8 Spooky Things That Just Might Happen To You!

Double, double, toil and trouble – it’s Halloween, witches! Time to get your slutty excuse for a costume out from the bottom of your flair bin or out of the Amazon bag you just picked up from Hinman (I mean, seriously Cindy – I know you were really feeling the slutty hazmat suit but it’s not a good look for the house) and make your way over to whichever dingy basement you have yet to frequent over the other 5 days you dressed up this past weekend. But be warned – spooky costumes aren’t the only ghoulish things haunting around Hanover today, and your girl scout vest and mini skirt aren’t going to get you any good graces from these demons.

Getting Ghosted by Your Current Hookup

Don’t worry, it’s happened to the best and most spooky witches we know. Things were going so well – that is, until you started to realize they’ve become more distant and, one might say, transparent… You started to see less and less of them, and it really seemed like they would just disappear almost through the walls when you would see them across the room. Not that it really matters, but you continue to hear their voices wailing through the corridors of their frat basement, even when they’re not there. Spooky!

Having Your Path Crossed by the Black TDX Puppy

Whoever said black cats were bad luck has never met the likes of that seemingly adorable black lab pupper running across the Green. While most innocent bystanders see a harmless little creature, a smart witch could see the hell-fired look in his eyes, and know that the poor creature had been possessed by powerful demons – ones that can only bring bad luck to the poor souls who are suckered in by the equally as demonic sith walking with it at the time. Spooky!

The Ghost of Midterms Past

Remember when you totally bombed you Potions 10 midterm, what was it… Week 3? Yeah, me neither. But that doesn’t mean your snake-ass professor doesn’t, and he waited for the perfect time in your witchy schedule to hand back your test. No, the exam wasn’t out of 30 points, and yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to go brew some batch and head out for the night – but don’t come crying to me when that grade haunts you for the rest of the term! Spooky!

Accidentally Turning Into a Zombie in Your 10A Because You Forgot Coffee

Witches’ potions can’t solve everything, and without your daily dose of caffeine, who knows what might happen? Maybe you’re just really tired, or maybe you were so out of it after staying up late watching Halloweentown 2 that you didn’t even notice your zombie friend Kurt take a chunk out of your arm. Spooky!

Being Ghoulishly Pale…

We’re not saying it’s your fault for spending all of 17X in the dungeons of frat basements drinking whatever potion you decided to play pong with that day, but we’re not not saying it’s your fault for spending all of 17X in the dungeons of frat basements drinking whatever potion you decided to play pong with that day. Spooky!

… Getting a Spray Tan but Somehow Turning Into a Pumpkin

All your basic witch friends told you that you looked like a fucking vampire all the time, so you decided to finally splurge and get a spray tan. Unfortunately, there was no Cinderella story here – you walked out of the salon looking just like her god damn pumpkin carriage. Time to hit the gym and start carving those abs – it’s Jack-O-Lantern szn, and you need an excuse to work off all the KAF muffins you’ve been eating. Spooky!

Finding Cobwebs in Your Pants After Crossing the X

Even the brightest and most beautiful of witches have to cross the X, and it’s been awhile since you’ve played with a wizard wand or two. Your days of charms and transfiguration are numbered, and with a record like yours, I’d be dusting off the old robes and headed straight for the nearest frat dungeon and get your witch on. You might be rusty, but there’s no time like Halloween to clear out the cobwebs ;) Spooky!

Getting Bitten By Your Sorority’s Bat and Turning Into a Vampire

It was all pretty hazy, as things tend to be when you’re 8 games of pong in. The morning after you find what you thought was a hickey – but you really didn’t think you ever got that close with your pong partner. However, throughout the day, you begin to feel kinda tingly, your teeth start to sharpen, and you begin to feel a strong urge to walk away from the wooden stakes of the Collis fence… or maybe it was Stephanie’s garlicky stir-fry? Whatever the case, your hickey turned out to be a bat bite (because we both know those cobwebs in your pants are still lingering strong). But who knows – maybe being a vampire will change your physique and attitude back into your freshman self who still went out at least 4 nights a week! Spooky!

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

Halloween 2017 at Dartmouth – Les Be Smexy Tonight!

The "Keystone"

The "Psi U"

The "Birthday"

The "Facetimey"

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

The Ten Commandments of Casually Hooking Up

By Bone-or-Chick

I. Thou shalt not leave behind any clothing, underwear, phone, IDs, and other personal items   in the other party’s room.

II. Thou shalt not drunk text in vain.

III. Remember the 3 AM booty call is limited. Keep it holy.

IV. Thou shalt not overstay one’s welcome in the morning. Despite what happened last night, thou shan’t stay in another’s bed until 2:30 PM – Get. Out. Of. There.  

V. Honor your roommates and your floormates, avoid extremely loud shower sex or slamming the paper-thin walls in dorms at 3 AM Week 8 when everyone is trying to sleep.

VI. Thou shalt have no feelings develop within the first three to five hook-ups…. Unless they have that poster of the one band you love in their room, or are doing research with that one amazing professor, or are totally not a senior leaving in a week.

VII. Thou shalt not run away frightened if you see each other in the dining hall, but thou also shalt not make unnecessary eye contact, especially while eating a foco herbivore carrot hotdog…  

VIII. Thou shalt not accidentally like Instagram photos from months past. Or Instagram photos of their hookup’s ex, or their dog’s account, or their little sister’s “foodstagram”  

IX. Thou shalt not give up Netflix, girlfriends, ice cream, wearing sweatpants or any other guilty pleasure to see said hookup – put yourself first, forever and always.

X. Thou shalt not judge thyself or the other if one snores, talks, or maybe even accidentally farts in their sleep…. We’re only human.

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

That Moment When You Discover You’re Eskimo Sisters

By Fuckboi Finder

Let’s be honest here people – we’ve all been there.

It’s Sunday, and you and your group of friends all crawl your hungover selves to Foco brunch for your weekly debrief of the weekend’s events – well, except for that that one annoyingly always put-together friend who shows up in nice clothes, KAF in hand with her stuff already in the lib.

One friend (let’s call her Jane) is bursting with anticipation and has some exciting news to share – she kissed ~a cute boy~ (let’s call him Jack)! Oooooh, so exciting, getting some action – woohoo for girl power! All your friends are high-fiving, pressing for the juicy details, movie style play-by-play when, all of a sudden, you black in to what is actually going on:

Oh shit.

Wait.

Oh yeah... 

That one time...

You kissed Jack, too.

Whether that kiss was one of many at your freshman fall Highlighter, a drunk mistake at TDXmas, or some random hookup, things just got a leeeeetle weird.

The feeling is undeniable. Once you are hit with that realization, your smile is suddenly a little crooked and definitely hard to hide. SO. DAMN. CRINGEY. And, of course, the news just has to come out. And, even more fitting, it manifests itself in one of three super weird ways, causing the maximum possible awkwardness:

That one asshole friend who knows way too much about you decides to say something along the lines of “OMFG WAIT remember when you hooked up with him?” 

Thanks for sharing, asshole friend! I would ask you politely to GTFO! Why you gotta be like dis??!?!?

You just have the sudden urge to bond with this friend and IDK IT JUST CAME OUT OK?! Well, we can’t blame you hon, but now things are slightly competitive or even more along the lines of comparative. Maybe you kinda stole her thunder? Or maybe she stole yours? Idk.

The most tragic way – you thought she would feel better if she didn’t find out right away, so you stayed quiet. Cue multiple weeks of them hooking up, and all of a sudden, they start dating. Talk about a nightmare alert, and fast forward a couple more weeks and what do you know, it comes out mid-fight that someone kissed a friend… you! Yikes! Abort ABORT ABORT!!!

The good news?

Once you finally figure out a better (is there even a good way to actually do this?) way to ~finesse~ delivering the news (or not), you will probably come to a realization:

This entire school is a goddamn eskimo family.

Sorry to break it to you – Dartmouth is a small place. Get over it. Feel free to just start high-fiving anyone and everyone you see, because the truth is, you’re probably connected to them somehow.

xo

Fuckboi Finder

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

Alternative Ways to Beef Up Your Resume

By The Great Fratsby

With Resume Drop having come and gone, all those rejection emails from jobs you really didn’t want anyways might make you want to add some unimportant bullshit new activities to make your Resume / CV seem more full and well-rounded. Lucky for you, we have just the things that can make you go from corporate reject to full Wall St. snake in no time!

Instagram Ratio / Number of Facebook Friends / Number of Twitter Followers

It’s not about grades. It’s not about work experience. It’s not about personal recommendations from important people. Even the most big shot of all big shot CEOs know that the true power of success comes down to social capital. If you don’t have a Facebook photo album for every term at college and a witty Instagram caption for each picture you forced your brother to take of you, don’t even bother applying for the job. They don’t want you.

Personal Achievements

Yeah, you may have seen this section before, but I’m sure it was boring. Spelling Bee champ? Lame. Varsity soccer team captain? Average. Nobel Peace Prize Winner? Yawn. Spice it up! Reveal the moments that really transformed you into the person you are today! That time you booted all morning but rallied and still making it to your 2A for a presentation you aced? Legendary. Walk of shaming in your WoodstocKDE outfit on Parents’ Weekend but feeling no guilt? Iconic. Drunk-talking yourself out of buying that 3rd container of mozz sticks? You’re the hero we all need but don’t deserve.

Alcohol Award

Dude, bro, wait… do you drink? I mean, like, do you drink… alcohol? WOAHHHH – that is so SICK bro! You are the sickest econ frat bro I have ever met! You must be so cool. You drink beer? Now that’s just crazy. Wow. I wish I were you! And, God forbid, HARD ALCOHOL?!? On our dry, pure campus??? You are a savage. A true national hero. Any Wall Street millionaire in his (or her) right mind is going to want to hire you. You are so fucking sick.

Bequests

Yeah, so 17S may not have been the 4.0, get-shit-done term you had really aimed for. But was it really that bad? Maybe you walked away from spring term with the old AD t-shirt bequest that goes to the biggest hardo in your sorority, or the wine glass that goes to the girl who’s most likely to get wine drunk on an off-night and start drunk dancing while visiting her more grim friends on FFB. Those ratty shirts and chipped glasses are more than just objects, they are trophies – and deserve to be commended as such.

Shit You Miraculously Got Away With

How many times have you talked (or paid) your way out of getting your fake taken from you? Or, on another note, how many times have you stuffed some mozz sticks into your fracket and just make a drunk dash for the door without getting caught? Document that ish! That shows not only innate marketing skills, but also solidifies your true gift for communication, determination, and deliberation. Throw in the time you got caught doing one of The Seven and were able to play it off as just being lost and confused and totally thinking BEMA was your dorm room. You are a savvy situational guru. Let that shine through.

Times You Tried Really Hard, but Failed Because You Weren’t Good Enough

Remember that one time you entered a competition that lead to the creation of 3 of the most popular tech and biomedical gadgets in 2017? Your submission was supposed to be a solar-powered fidget spinner, but it didn’t actually end up working. You tried really, really hard, though! Your mom thought your idea was “kind of stupid, but fine I guess.” Sounds like something future employers would be impressed by.

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

Seeing Drunk vs. Being Drunk

By Snoop Lioness

When you’re making the pilgrimage to your off-campus home and see headlights coming toward you:

What the driver’s thinking...

She’s probably coming back from a long night at the library— typical Dartmouth!

I wish I were in college still, jeez.

Rob’s always on my FUCKING case about those sales reports. But he’s NEVER on time with his HR reports. Why the FUCKING double standard?

Oh look, one of the future leaders of the world stumbling around in a cowboy vest and neon orange booty shorts.

Driving in this town is more dangerous than anything I’ve ever done in my life.

Is that a college student? … Yeah, hahaha, that’s a college student.

What you’re thinking...

My housemate better not have eaten my pickles.

Wow okay here I am heading home while I see he was on Facebook messenger 28 minutes ago.

I should order a Juul.

Why the fuck isn’t he texting me back?

There’s a car coming… okay yeah good, I am on the sidewalk.

It’s not too late to turn back and play pong.

Oh he opened my Snapchat. That asshole.

Did that girl really grab my ass tonight? It was so surreal.

Oh he also viewed my Snapchat story.

I could have had a threesome tonight if I’d set my mind to it.

Oh.

When you’re hitting up Novack at 2am after playing pong:

What the sober Novack-dwellers are thinking...

This problem set sucks.

This drunk person sucks.

My life sucks.

What the Novack workers are thinking...

I feel so powerful being in charge of the music here. I control the Novack scene.

That drunk girl better pick up all those chips she dropped.

I wouldn’t choose the sushi if I were you, but I guess it’s your stomach to ruin.

I hope my boss doesn’t notice I’m stoned.

Oh no, don’t you DARE walk away from that mess you made.

These vile humans deserve to be shouted at in the morning.

What you’re thinking...

These chips are awesome.

My life is awesome.

This music is awesome.

Pong is awesome.

These chips are awesome.

When you show up to a party after pregaming and no one else pregamed:

What they’re thinking...

I really should have pregamed.

Is there alcohol upstairs?

Damn she’s WASTED!

Is there alcohol downstairs?

I can squeeze into this Snapchat story and pretend I’m having fun too.

I’ll Snapchat this even though I’m too sober.

What you’re thinking...

I LOVE EVERYONE!

What day of the week is it again?

I won’t remember any of this!

Wait did Stacy ditch me for her boyfriend AGAIN?

I’ll Snapchat this even though I’m too drunk.

Running into freshmen and their parents during parent’s weekend:

What the parents are thinking...

Are flower crowns in these days?

The weather really isn’t that nice but people are still wearing sundresses?

Why do all these students look absolutely dead walking around at 5pm on a Saturday?

We’re definitely cockblocking our kids from going to these parties today.

Is there someone working at Molly’s who I could pay to get a reservation?

I miss college.

What the freshmen are thinking...

I wish I were drunk right now.

Would my parents play pong with me?

Aaaaand I am still unaffiliated and basement-less, so that’s a non-starter.

Oh shit, is that Rachel?

Oh no, she’s coming over here.

I hope she doesn’t remember this interaction.

She definitely won’t remember this interaction.

What you’re thinking...

Would it be fun to go to pigstick now?

Oh shit are these parents? Do I know their kid well enough to have to engage in a lengthy interaction?

Should I Instagram my pictures from WoodstocKDE now, or wait until tomorrow?

*Drinstas* oh my god that picture is SO CUTE!

Should I nap and then try to rally for Gatsby tonight?

Oh look, it’s Peter and his family! I HAVE to go say hi!

Wait are Peter’s parents rich? Is this a networking opportunity?

They totally think I’m sober right now, look at me, a picture of wholesome grace! The sundress is KEY.

What are they serving at FoCo? That’s probably the place to be.

Worldview is my SHIT.

When was the last time I updated my LinkedIn?

Oh great, a new connection with a guy I hooked up with 6 months ago!

Would it be worth taking my adderall before Gatsby tonight instead of napping?

Seeing your homie on FFB while cutting through and stopping to say hi:

What your homie is thinking...

Oh no.

Not again.

What their groupmates are thinking...

I loathe this drunk person.

This bitch is getting glitter everywhere!

At least this gives me an excuse to go check my social media.

What you’re thinking...

Is Late Night still open?

I’m so glad I’m not a part of this grim-ass scene wow.

I’m definitely bringing joy into these people’s lives right now, I am far more entertaining than CS50.

Someone should Snapchat this honestly, I’m prime material right now.

I wanna post this on my finsta.

I wanna post this on my rinsta.

Being driven to food:

What your sober driver is thinking...

I am a good fucking Samaritan lord give me positive karma.

Thank god for windows having child lock.

Stop screwing with my dashboard!

No one better throw up in my car.

No one better pee in my car.

I don’t care what you want to listen to, ABBA’s Greatest Hits and Speak Now by Taylor Swift are the only CDs I am willing to play!

What you’re thinking...

I am so excited to eat!

I give myself a 43% chance of making it to the toilet before my bladder explodes.

Thank god this isn’t my car!

Wow this driver is really talented, driving looks so challenging now.

I hope food helps me stop feeling like I have to throw up.

Pregaming in class during big weekends:

What your professor is thinking...

I’m glad I made class mandatory today for these douchebags.

Does Sarah think I don’t know that a cloudy blue drink in a Nalgene likely isn’t innocent?

I forgot it was a big weekend when I assigned an essay due Monday… guess I’ll be grading trash next week.

I wish I were drinking right now.

I’m honestly impressed Jonathan made it to class, he looks incredibly hungover. I sure would’ve skipped if I were him!

What your classmates are thinking...

I wish I were drinking right now.

Logistically, what is the best course of action to get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible the moment class ends?

What are the chances Sarah’s willing to share that Nalgene?

I’m honestly impressed Jonathan made it to class, he looks incredibly hungover. I sure would’ve skipped if I were him!

What you’re thinking...

This mixed drink definitely looks enough like Gatorade to not be suspicious.

I kinda want a cigarette. Does Karen have cigarettes?

No way in hell am I sharing my mixed drink!

This is so college!

I’m honestly impressed Jonathan made it to class, he looks incredibly hungover. I sure would’ve skipped if I were him!

What Jonathan is thinking...

I wish I weren’t in class.

I wish I weren’t dreadfully hungover.

I wish I weren’t able to smell the tequila in Sarah’s Nalgene.

I’m honestly impressed with myself for making it to class. I am incredibly hungover.

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

The Dartmouth Experience, as Told Through Funny Animal Photos

By Codeine Python

So this amazing thing called the “Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards” exists and not only are these photos absolutely hilarious, but they scream Everyday Dartmouth Situations!! Get ready, my friends and fellow creature enthusiasts, for you are about to emotionally identify with random animal species like never before.

When the person you DFMO’d with last night gets in the stir-fry line two people behind you

When your prof says you have an eight page paper due and then drops: “single-spaced”

When you’re in TDX and that creepy guy from your 10A suddenly tries to start grinding on you

When you’re sober writing CS code on ffb on a Saturday night and your drunk-ass friend passes through the lib on her way to SAE and decides to come say hi

When you wake up at 8:42 before your 9L in the LSC and are just hauling ass past McLaughlin like:

When you’re coming off an all-nighter and are still underprepared as hell for your 8am exam so you suddenly become religious in the ten minutes before the exam starts

When the cutoff for an A is an 83.50% and you got an 83.46%

When your project partner is NOT carrying their weight so you go into full bitch-mode and address the situation

When it’s crowded af in Collis after 11s and someone bumps into you and you drop your entire fucking salad

When they flip the last table in Beta basement and you have been waiting 2 hours for the dance scene to ensue

The second the weather gets above 60 degrees and everyone just flocks to the green like:

When you’re waiting for your panini to cook at Foco so you go eat some chicken nuggets while you wait but then your panini is ready and you’ve eaten like 12 chicken nuggets and you’re no longer hungry

When you really fucking have to poop but the gender-neutral bathroom in first-floor Collis is occupied so you have to frantically sprint upstairs to find another single-room bathroom where no one can hear you shit because it is DIRE

When it’s 12am after the first snowfall and you’re just waiting for that email from Dr. Seuss like:

When a cute-ass rando walks into your 10 on the first day of class and your squad is like, “shit, who dat”

When you wake up from a night out trying to figure out what you did and why your bed is covered in lo mein noodles

When you roll up to your 9L x-hour on Green Key Thursday having not brushed your hair, teeth, or changed your clothes

When everyone is waiting outside the prof’s door before office hours like:

When the guy/girl you had a thing with freshman fall walks into the pregame

When literally no one is ready for the group photo but your one friend looks good in it so she posts it on Instagram anyways

When you’re walking through the stacks at 3am during finals period on your way to Novak to buy a coffee/see if they’re even open

When your friend who just booted all over your bathroom and is now laying on your futon is trying to convince you to bring them mozz sticks from late night

Photos source: https://flowartstation.com/2017/05/10/hilarious-winners-of-the-first-annual-comedy-wildlife-photography-awards/

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

Snapchat Stories You Saw First Week of Summer

By Snoop Lioness

People having more fun with their families than you are- Laughing and having a grand time with siblings! Drinking and dancing with parents! Playing with pets who actually seem to love them! Did you know people could actually enjoy spending time with their families so much?

People trying to make family time look fun- Zooming in on siblings sitting on their phones. Zooming in on parents sitting on their phones. Getting yelled at when siblings and parents look up from their phones and notice. Pets ignoring them. Probably more personally relatable.

Dartmouth people hanging out in same hometown city- It’s crazy because it’s the same people you see at your school in rural New Hampshire, except now they’re in a completely different city together! Same exact pictures uploaded one minute apart featuring one another. Took these Snapchat stories between texts to friends who they like more but live far away.

First day of work- Did you hear she’s interning at Goldman this summer? It’s not the focal point of her story, which centers around fellow intern friends, or lunch, or her snappy outfit that somehow looks good despite the sweat-drenched realities of public transportation during the summer. The logo’s just casually chilling in the corner, subtle but noticeable. Just in case you hadn’t heard. Just so you know.

Exciting and extravagant geotags from vacation destinations- Vibrant bubble letter name of a city on a landscape of said city! Artsy letter name of a famous landmark that tastefully incorporates a drawing of said famous landmark on said famous landmark! Sexy cursive letter name of a city on colorful local cuisine from said city!

Friends’ friends from home- You recognize them from stalking your friends inappropriately far back on Facebook and Instagram. Your friends have shat on them to you in the past.

Seniors doing normal activities with sad connotations- Last time at IC4U :( Last time sitting down by the river :( Last time eating at Collis :( Last time laughing at Tim doing his weird tongue thing :(

The same seven sophomores stuck on campus doing normal activities with happy connotations- First time at IC4U for sophomore summer :) First time sitting down by the river for sophomore summer :) First time eating at Collis for sophomore summer :) First time laughing at Megan doing her weird leg thing for sophomore summer :)

Graduation- You wouldn’t know their week was so physically and emotionally exhausting based on the wholesome smiles of brand new Dartmouth graduates in their caps and gowns. Inclusion of a cane provides one final chance to show off social capital.

Graduation seat saving- If there isn’t a 5:00am filter on it, did it even happen?

[dgaf-dgaf-blog]

Types of Profile Pictures All Guys Have on Facebook

By Theta Delta Cry

We all know that men are inextricably bad when it comes to all forms of social media – it’s simply a fact of life. While it may not be a problem for us ladies 99% of the time (hello, self-confidence booster!), the ridiculous profile pictures that guys sometimes have can present a world of problems when you just need them to seem normal for once. I mean, how am you supposed to defend the guy you hooked up with to your friends if he has a rogue-ass profile picture?? Is it too much to ask for people to be able to Facebook stalk you without being weirded out by your profile? Apparently so – and no matter which type of prof pic a guy has, someone will always find a way to shit on it, good or bad.

The Wholesome Variety

This is the type of guy where you wonder how he could possibly get 700 likes on a profile picture when you never see him out and about in real life. Is he really that wholesome? Does he bring that cute dog in his prof pic with him everywhere? Wholesome profile pictures are sure to woo the ladies of the internet and more often than not include:

Him holding a cute animal

The classic family photo

A deceptively innocent picture from many, many years ago before he turned degenerate

A picture his mom took of him winning XYZ award in high school

The picture he found on his church’s website from that one time he volunteered was required to knit blankets for old people

The “Weird Brag Bro” Variety

These are the pics where (a) he probably doesn’t look super good because (b) he only made it his profile picture because it has something in it that increases his social capital. Don’t be fooled by the picture, though - his life is probably infinitely less cool than his social media depicts. Be sure to look out for:

The picture with someone famous he met once

The “I feel obligated to prof pic this because it’s a cool location” picture where, in reality, it’s a shitty pic of him and the Leaning Tower of Pisa

Slight variation of the previous, but “I am only using this so people know I studied abroad somewhere cool”

The “siiiiiick you drink?” picture

The pic of him shirtless holding a fish that he definitely didn’t catch himself

The Varsity Athlete Variety

While this only applies to a very select genetically gifted group of people, it is nonetheless very prevalent on Facebook. Even those who have transitioned to college as NARPs like to reminisce of their glory days as a 3-sport varsity athlete in high school, and those who continued as DP2 prodigies never stop shoving their status down the throats of the plebeian population of unathletic Facebook friends. Examples include:

An action shot of him doing/playing his sport

His roster photo from his team’s website

A pic of him supporting his favorite professional sports team

The Extremely Generic Variety

Disclaimer: this may be the only variety of pictures that may seem acceptable on a surface level. However, do not be fooled – there may be problems lurking behind what seems like an oasis of a male social media presence. These profile pictures are the classic cop-outs for guys who don’t really give a shit about their Facebook, but give enough of a shit that they want to look good when someone looks them up online, because oh boy do they know someone is probably going to be looking them up online. Take note, ladies – guys like these are probably up on their high horse and thriving in the likes people toss them. These are your run-of-the-mill, undercover basics who live for the online validation Facebook brings and would probably definitely delete their prof pic if it didn’t get enough likes. Picture types include:

The cute one of him and his girlfriend (RIP tho)

The classic Spring Break pic #caboooo

The Gal Pal side hug

The pic that was a group photo but he awkwardly cropped and zoomed it too close to his face

The one someone took at a random darty that one time and the lighting was oddly good

The “What the Fuck” Variety

These are the pictures that make you really question accepting their friend request - talk about red flags! I mean, seriously - it isn’t that hard to actually pic something for your profile picture that is not going to make you appear extremely suspect to any pending friends. Pictures that make you question anything about them include but are not limited to:

The intense model shot 

The intense, cultured model shot featuring an unbuttoned shirt and graffitied wall

The “there’s nothing actually wrong with the picture itself he just looks generally bad in it” picture

The group shot where you can’t tell which one he is

The picture where he is doing something weird and you question why he decided to make it their prof pic… like licking ketchup off of someone’s face

The pic of a car, sneaker, or inanimate object (didn’t Anime die in 2007?)