dianacrimsonia - Tumblr blog

[dianacrimsonia]

I just want you all to know, that if and when this site does experience a real exodus and/or get sunsetted for good, even if we don't keep in touch I'll remember you so fondly. You're the online equivalent of the other kid on the beach where we built sandcastles together; the girl at the campsite where we explored the trees. You're the drunk person who shared kind words in the bathroom at the club, you're the talented artists at the life drawing class or the poetry night in a city where I don't live anymore. It makes me sad that maybe in the future our paths won't cross so easily, but even when we leave this little shared piece of cyberspace, carried away on our briefly intersecting trajectories, just know I still love you

[dianacrimsonia]

related to post that I've just reblogged

speaking of hobbies

guess who still haven't touched drawing tablet since losing job last autumn? me, it's me. and i attempted to try myself at new-old hobbies, some successfully (i.e. reading books again), some not. but i'm so closely tied to identifying myself as "that girl who always doodles something", that i grew to feel fundamentally detached from myself, sort of. but i also burned out from creating big serious illustrations. not feeling like drawing humans. none of that.

maybe i'll return to drawing birds and animals for my soul's delight. anthros as well (i miss drawing my sona). something where i started off decades ago as a mere hobby. not where i ended up professionally, eventually. yeah. maybe that'll do :'>

p.s. fanart? sigh. that's a complicated topic. i haven't felt very emotionally attached to any form of media since past year. also i kinda grew hating the fandom rat race of getting noticed with fresh hot fanarts of something that's trending only this week and then everyone moves on to a next shiny thing? you've seen that post i reblogged recently. so maybe some sporadic fanarts for "old" franchises will be happening, we'll see

[dianacrimsonia]

Important rules/tips I've learned as an adult that helped with anxiety

If people are mad at you, it's their responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

If they're mad at you in secret anyways, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

If people don't like what you're doing, it's their responsibility to tell you

If they say it's fine when it's really not, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

People are allowed to be wrong about you

If they are wrong about you, wait for them to bring it up, because if you try to, you will inevitably overcorrect

Some people are committed to misunderstanding you. You will not win arguments against them. Yes, even if you explain your point of view. They do not care. Drop it

The worst thing that will happen from a first-time offense is being told not to do it again. Maybe with a replacement if you broke something

You can improve relationships and gauge willingness to talk to you by giving compliments. It's like a daily log-in bonus and nobody thinks twice about it

Most things are better after you sleep on them

Most things are better after you have a meal

Most things are better after you shower

Your brain makes up consequences that are irrational. If the worst DOES come to pass and someone acts like they do in your head, they are overreacting, and you are entitled to say "what the fuck"

If your chest hurts after you feel like you've made a social error, that's called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. It means your anxiety is so bad that it's causing you physical pain, which is a good indicator that you're overreacting. Tense yourself, hold it for 20 seconds, let it go, then find a distraction

If you're suddenly angry at someone after you feel like you made a social error, that's also rejection-sensitive dysphoria. You are going to feel annoyed about it for awhile, but being genuinely pissed off is your anxiety trying to find something to blame to take the responsibility off your shoulders, and getting scared because it can't justify itself. Deep breaths, ask yourself how much you ACTUALLY want to be angry at that person, then find a distraction

"Sour grapes" is more healthy for you than stewing. Deciding you don't like someone who's perpetually annoyed with you, won't talk to you, etc. makes letting go of anxiety over them easier

If people don't like you, they will find reasons to be annoyed with you when they otherwise wouldn't. If people do like you, they will find reasons NOT to be annoyed with you when they otherwise would. People do not ping-pong between the two

You DO have to make a conscious choice not to think about something. If you're having trouble circling back to it, say out loud that you're done thinking about it and why. Then find a distraction

When you're upset, part of you is going to want to make false bids for attention (suddenly texting differently, heavy sighs, etc. but when someone asks you about it, you tell them it's nothing). Do not listen to it. You gain nothing from it except more misery

People like to help people they care about. It makes them feel good about themselves

If you think you're insufferable for needing help, see above. Yes, really. They get a serotonin kick from it

If you think you're insufferable for mannerisms you have, you either have to consciously choose not to do them, or accept that they're part of the package that comes with you. Being apologetic about existing does nothing except make you more miserable

If you do things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it makes it easier to do them when you hate it

If you avoid things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it reinforces and magnifies how bad it feels when you hate it

Seriously. Read those last two points again. If you can make yourself make a phone call when you've got nothing to lose, you will slowly lose that panic you get when you have to make a phone call you haven't prepared for. You do have to CONSCIOUSLY take that step

Hobbies that make you care for something get rid of that nagging feeling that you're not doing enough. Go grow some rosemary

If you don't engage with your hobbies regularly, you will feel miserable, and anxiety will spike

Hobbies are things that give you a bit of happiness. They do not have to be organized or named to do that. Go be creative in something. Play with coins. Make up lists. Start a new WIP

No one cares what you look like

If people point out things they don't like about how you look unprompted, they are being rude. You are entitled to say "what the fuck"

People who like you will find you pretty to some degree. Minor things about your appearance go completely unnoticed. Literally, scars and dots and blemishes do not register to someone who likes your company

You looking at yourself in the mirror is 10x more closely than anyone is going to look at you

If you're anxious about your body type, and you're creatively inclined, make/write an oc with that same shape. Give them nice things and make other characters love them. Put them on adventures. You'll start to see yourself in the mirror more kindly

You care about wording and perfect lines/colors way more than anyone who views your work ever will

Sometimes when you're upset, you're going to feel like not eating. Do not do that. Not eating makes you more miserable

Same with things you normally enjoy. Denying yourself helps no one. You are punishing yourself for being sad. Stop it

Both of these will take conscious decision to break the habit of. Make yourself do it anyways, and it will slowly get easier

And again, to reiterate: If someone is mad at you, it is THEIR responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

[dianacrimsonia]

hating furries is just a silencer on the gun that is hating on lgbt+ tbh

[dianacrimsonia]

one thing fandoms love to do is invent something and then get mad at people for not agreeing that it happened

[dianacrimsonia]

Not people saying “Fandom has always been like this” in that vent post I made. No. It hasn’t always been like this. Fandom has NEVER been like this until recently and if you were in fandom pre-tumblr purge, pre-twitter, pre-netflix boom, pre-tiktok….then you would fucking know it was nothing like this.

We still had the drive to create. We still sold prints and charms and made zines…but it was never like this.

The introduction of streaming, binge shows that drop all at once, tiktok and vine RIP i still love u vine but you were the beginning of a particularly ugly era) creating this bite sized, quick paced ‘content’ era of creation and it bled out into fucking everything else.

Fandoms didn’t die down when the show ended or the season was over. You didn’t mass unfollow artist, writers or moots just because they changed fandoms. There wasn’t this need to please the algorithm in order for your posts to get seen by people and enjoyed.

Fandoms used to last YEARS. Star Trek is literally the oldest running fandom out there and you got people in there that could care less about the new stuff and still have been happily prancing through their fucking fifty year old fandom today. Hell, even SPN after all it’s fuckups and shitshows has a dedicated fanbase STILL creating tons of art and fic.

There is no patience anymore. No calm feeling of taking in fandom and friends at a pace that which doesn’t make you stressed and is still fun.

Do I blame fandom for this? Of course not, but people are complacent with it and start changing their vocab to accommodate and end up making the situation so deep it cant be fixed.

We call Art & Fic Content now, completely stripping the value of what it is to a level of consumerism instead of personal entertainment & community bonding.

[dianacrimsonia]

Just realised I never offered my services here! Please don't DM me, better fill out this handy dandy google form to order a commission~

[dianacrimsonia]

making a post about personal 2023 summary has been an itch for a few days, so i'll just give it a try

the good happenings in chronological order:

got a (supposedly) dream job as a commercial illustrator and concept artist in a small local gamedev studio

got a little new hobby

deactivated my account on twxtter, and also generally reduced my time on any other social media down to idk 98% (it's a huge improvement for my mental health and especially in conquering my fomo)

bought self a new e-book reader, and got back into reading books

moved to a more cozy apartment

had a very grim depressive episode during Fall, but got off antidepressants by the end of December. Feeling pretty mentally stable and energetic now.

the bad happenings in chronological order:

due to new job's high tempo I barely had mental energy to draw something for personal projects (like, literally painted just a handful of personal illustrations in free time, and that's kinda upsetting)

gradually realized that the principle of "Make your hobby your job and you never have to work a day in your life" is not applicable to me, because after I turned my main hobby (drawing) into 9-to-5 job, office tasks burned me out to the core. It's been 3 months since the company I worked for cut the vast majority of staff (me included) due to their financial reasons, I haven't had any mental energy to pick up my tablet and properly draw something since then. I've been medically treating my worsened anxiety and depression, reading books and playing videogames instead all this time.

thus, I'm currently unemployed, nearing 30 and about to begin a brand new career path. That's.. quite a challenge. At least now I know that I no longer want to work as a full-time commercial artist in a corporative studio anymore. I'm still open for individual commissions though!

the downside of quitting the majority of social media is that I lost regular contact with my friends. And I haven't found a good way to restore this contact yet.. My social anxiety is still creeping around. But I use telegram and discord occasionally. Find me there if you want to chat ❤️

All in all, even though 2023 was quite a mental rollercoaster, I feel like I had learned a bunch of pretty important life lessons throughout this year. And gained plenty of valuable experience. So that's good. Cheers!

[dianacrimsonia]

opens box that reads "i wanna draw again". inside lies a note. the note says, "mental illness and difficult circumstances have taken years of interest, accessibility, and skill away from me. i want to forgive myself for that. i want to heal my relationship to my hobbies. i want to feel connected to something that once made me feel good, but the cyclic discouragement is difficult to overcome." i turn over the note. on the back it reads "wannta drawe sexy bodies awooga"

[dianacrimsonia]

I hate how fandom has become "if you haven't created anything in this very specific time frame after the release of the show/movie, everyone will have moved on"

And call me old fashioned, but that's just not me. I sometimes take ages to create and publish. And I will love a show or movie for such a long time (years, babes, years) that I just can't relate to the fast consumerism that's going on.

Because, let's be real, it can get really lonely in a fandom if most have simply moved on to the next shiny thing. Is what's created less worth, just because it was created outside the hype? Why is it such a taboo for this new fandom generation to love an old or "late" fic or art?

It's so tiring and I'm too old for the 30-seconds-hype-tiktok-shit. Just tired. So, so tired.

[dianacrimsonia]

so embarrassing when i forget im checking someone's blog and i start scrolling through and liking and reblogging shit as if it's just my dash. it feels like wandering into someone else's apartment and not noticing and making myself lunch

[dianacrimsonia]

Got me prescriptions for antidepressants and anxiety meds lesssgoooo

[dianacrimsonia]

Once more for those in the back.

[dianacrimsonia]

no but really, like 

i know that some folks love telling creative people that “you should be doing it for fun because you love it not for the compliments” but creative people thrive on feedback whether it’s critical or just complimentary

so when i write fanfiction and don’t get any actual feedback i feel like i spent all that time and energy doing it for nothing because i’m not getting feedback from the people i wrote it for 

doing something you’re proud of and then presenting it to the sound of utter silence is like the worst feeling on earth 

[dianacrimsonia]

whoah, i accidentally remembered which mail i used to access pillowfort account! I haven't been there since 2019. is anyone's still using that platform though?..

[dianacrimsonia]

I just found this prepared post from last october left forgotten in my drafts haha almost a year i'm so sorry my boy

Anyway! That's my OC Alister, he's a young half-elf and an alchemist apprentice with a pretty tragic backstory I'm still working on

Please do NOT use in RPs, change or outright steal this character's appearance, better commission me to draw/design you a fantasy character for personal use ^^

[dianacrimsonia]

Reblog if reading someone else’s fanfiction has helped you get through a hard day