digitaldiaryforme

[digitaldiaryforme]

i don’t remember the last time i was hugged by my parents. i suppose when i came home from my first year at uni, but that seems like the sort of hug that has to be done, after not seeing someone for a long time.

i don’t remember the last time my mum hugged me because she wanted to.

i don’t remember the last time my dad hugged me at all.

i know i am old, and a grown up, and 18 but they’re still my parents and when you’re raised to believe that their word is the be all and end all of your life, and you have to listen to them or terrible things will happen to you, i don’t think it’s too embarrassing to want a hug.

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i am no longer looking for validation in people i don't even respect.

i saw this quote on tiktok and it's reshaped my whole way of thinking. i do not owe anyone anything. i am more myself now than i have ever been, and if this change comes at the cost of people close to me then i'm letting it happen. you didn't deserve me anyway.

my mum doesn't even like you. i don't respect you in the slightest. i love you, i'll love you always, but i don't respect you so i no longer care for your validation or 'confirmation' that i'm doing the right thing, wearing the right things etc. i simply don't care. i have realised a lot about life, and dying and how fleeting our time here is and i'm not wasting one more thought on you.

i owe that, and only that, to myself.

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i think about dying a lot. i think about the end of everything.

when my lungs wont move anymore. when the air goes in and never goes back out or when it goes out and never comes back in.

i think about my heart stopping. how can a heart beat constantly for like 100 years and then just stop.

i think about my mind. where do all my thoughts and my dreams go when i die?

can they stay with you forever?

can they stay with me?

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life update for the first time in a while - he broke no contact. we spoke. idk.

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i think its so weird that people make fun of others just because they like something. why does my enjoyment piss you off?

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you are a coward and none of what you do now changes what you did then

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got into my dream school the other day!!! so excited to get away from home :)

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In another universe, I don't wish for another universe.

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how are we meant to cope with grief because this is consuming me

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i think about running away and disappearing all the time

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its been a while since i wrote anything on this stupid thing so hi

ik no one is reading these but i know i will come back to them so thats something

ill try to post more

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currently struggling to breathe due to taylor swift releasing THIRTY ONE songs this morning. i cannot.

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in another universe you came out the hospital alive and well and we got to eat strawberries up on the hill by the train station whilst watching the sunset

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im sorry

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its only just hit me that you're turning 18 soon.

you're my best friend. we used to talk about this.

you're my best friend. you're not

i dont even know you

i miss you

please come back im sorry

im so sorry

[digitaldiaryforme]

dear []

i would type your name but digital footprint is a real and scary thing and i am endlessly scared you'll find this.

anyway, i wanted to write to you because i miss you. how stupid is that. it's been 6 or so months since we last spoke. 6 months since i heard your voice.

well thats bullshit because i hear your voice a lot but 6 month since youve spoken to me. 6 months since ive heard my name come out of your mouth. i never liked my name, i still don't, but i loved hearing you say it. you made it sound better, you made it sound right. 6 months since ive heard you laugh.

i don't remember what it sounded like. and that is the emptiest feeling of all. i remember what you looked like laughing. your eyes would literally light up, and it would make me smile and i can see you laughing but the memory is silent. i dont know what i said to make you laugh, but im grateful i did. still, i wish i could hear it again, just once more.

just once more. thats a concept i've been going over and over when i can't sleep. just once more. i don't think it's asking for much. i just want to hear you laugh once more. once. then we can go back to this horrible no-speaking shit we have now. you act like i don't exist, like i'm invisible. not really, actually, because i catch you looking at me sometimes.

how can you watch me and not feel anything?

i look over to you and my heart leaps for a moment when our eyes meet. then one of us looks away and shatters the moment.

remember when we could do that for hours?

i do. sitting across from each other, you were tracing patterns on my leg, and then i braided that part of my hair and you put that clasp in it and now you know this is about you. because i know you remember that.

i still have that clasp. somewhere in my room, buried with those photos of us from the

i don't want to say it because i think you'll recognize the name so just know the clasp is with photos of us.

we don't have many photos. all the ones i have of us have other people in them. i have a few of just you. i took photos of you and you begged me to send them to you. i never did.

i would kill for a photo of you and me. or a video. or any evidence, physical evidence, that we even knew each other. it would make closing the door that bit easier, because then even without you in my life anymore, i would at least know you were once in it.

school ends in 2 months. then i'll never see you again. (unless you end up at my uni, we never spoke about where we were applying) i have this stupid fantasy that i unblock you and you unblock me and we talk again.

i have a stupider dream that we speak again at the last 'party' for the kids leaving in our school. i get to say sorry and i get to hear your voice again. if i'm lucky i make you laugh. and then we just have each other in our lives again.

not having you in my life is one of the single strangest things i've ever experienced. from everyday, just one message away to this. i dont have any way of contacting you anymore.

you traced patterns on my thigh, and told me my eyes were beautiful and you said you thought i was pretty and now you are not in my life.

how do you sleep? how are you not always thinking about us the way i do? how do you look at me in school and not want to run and say something like i do?

i miss you.

i really miss you.

i miss the friend i had before all of this. i just want to hear your voice again. please speak to me again.

love,

me

[digitaldiaryforme]

yeah, well, i did love you.

i have to live with that.