dirtsrs

[dirtsrs]

i feel really depressed today. It's because I haven't taken my medicine since day before yesterday, and that's because I ran out the day of and forgot to tell my mom (who has a car). I want to not feel like this, and the way to do that is by taking medicine which I will have by the time I need to take them, but I would rather deal with my emotions head-on, like more directly, and I'm not sure how to do that.

the closest i felt to this was like that time a few weeks ago I had a dream where I had a girlfriend and it ended with us cuddling which destroyed me for like an hour after I woke up, and also the time a few weeks ago I watched Don Hertzfeldt's World of Tomorrow 1 and 2 which destroyed me for like an hour after I watched them. It's like those but for a whole day. I keep thinking "what's the point" and dwelling on it, im like a 3 but with the attitude of 5 on this scale if that makes sense.

[dirtsrs]

I've always thought of myself as mostly straight with a lot of not straight thoughts, like I've never really been able to say definitively if I am or aren't trans (which is why I usually opt for all pronouns) - but recently I think I got a crush on a boy? The first time I saw him I thought "man I want to be that guy's friend" and I've started talking to him and he is actually pretty chill and cool and hangs out with a lot of people I also want to hang out with (the kids who like lemon demon and stuff) but yesterday I kinda couldn't stop thinking about him as cute..? And I'm not sure how to feel about it? It's not really me possibly being bi that bothers me, that I honestly don't care much about, but I keep flip-flopping between "likes boys" and "doesn't likes boys". I wonder what me in 6 years will think when reading this

[dirtsrs]

I think I gravitated to Tumblr because I always wanted to post like a dog with rabies. I got banned off Twitter in the first place when I was 11/12ish and I called someone a cunt (they were complaining the blue Nintendo switch lite was actually indigo), and that day was when I made this very account.

As early as like 8 though I was really introduced to Tumblr, because of all the shit posts I saw originating from tumblr, and especially cowbelly's memeawards and later series tumblr trophies which was just way funnier in my 3rd grader brain. Every time I tried to type something on Twitter I was punished by the platform rather than my peers, which didn't help much with my social development. I'm still not perfect and misstep a lot (keep scrolling, you'll see what I mean) but I've learned a lot of lessons about what you can and can't say to people. Thanks, tumblr

Tomska going hard on Twitter again.

[dirtsrs]

My sense of humor has gotten me banned from 2 communities now, it kinda feels like shit. I don't want to name them in fear of this post appearing in reverse searches but I'll spell them backwards to work around seo; I remember letting banned from eulc kk's server in like 2021 because I dmd eulc himself and we had a whatever interaction, I think I asked a question. I got banned about an hour later because I had some stupid shit as my discord staus, I think it was a slightly homophobic joke, and just tonight i got banned from retsof cj's server for announcing my ownership of child-porn.zip (a domain name, not literal child porn). I don't think anyone really liked me very much in cj's server but it definitely meant stuff because I had running jokes people liked and it's a very small group of people that talk actively so it felt really tight knit. Stuff like the meat worm and the OBS virtual cam bits were really fun in-jokes (if anyone is reading this, you don't know what those mean bc they're in-jokes after all) that I'm pretty proud of doing. Oh well. I guess I could try and reform the curde edges of sense of humor but that's really difficult and it's kind of a big part of me now with ongoing projects like penis world. Idk, I think most of the issue lies less in the humor itself and more in how I handle it and just social skills in general. We'll just blame it all on autism and not do anything at all instead though, just so I can sleep tonight.

[dirtsrs]

i feel like i needed to make a post about my spirituality and what I believe in, just to help myself organize my thoughts. Don't expect this to be super coherent.

i was thinking in the shower about how my mom almost stayed with her ex husband, and how I wouldnt've been concieved if that happened. I remember a tiktok slideshow with screenshots from some forum where a lot of people shared similar experiences of the 'afterlife', wherein they all said they felt like they had an energy that was going to merge with all the other energy, and how warm and right everything felt as they were dying, before being jolted back to life. I read somewhere else about the theory of a soul well (maybe a soul tree?) (i think it was in the wendigoon conspiracy iceberg), and how it was beginning to dry up. somewhere else I read there are about a hundred billion different combinations of human dna, and somewhere else I remember hearing about a hundred billion people have ever existed and died. if we put it all together there's about a hundred billion souls, or close to, and we are getting close (or have already begun) circling back to those first souls at the start of the soul tree. What I think those people on that forum were experiencing was returning to that soul tree. Circling back, I felt a little scared thinking that I would've never existed, because living as myself is the only thing I've ever known, but I think at least my soul would've still been around, maybe in some other shape. Maybe my soul was in some other shape a few hundred years ago (or less, or way more). I think I've had some form of these thoughts in my big dumb skull for a while now, at least a year, and a more or less unrelated one was as the soul well dries up, we've started spilling over into the pool of animal souls, which might be why some autistic people hyperfixate on certain animals; those were just the animals they were meant to be, if there weren't already too many humans. I think that's a little comforting.

In trying to find these forum posts (no luck, there's gotta be thousands of threads on hundreds of sites about after death experiences) I realized this was a form of reincarnation, but caclling it that feels a little weird, because it isn't really the same in my head. Even if I had a million years, I don't think I could explain exactly why. Im always worried whenever I rant for a long while that whatever I say is really really out of touch or really fucked up somehow, and I might know the cause but that's a whole 'nother can of worms. I just hope what I said makes sense and others can relate, but just incase, i'd rather not add tags. good night

[dirtsrs]

Man I used to hate the whole "born in the wrong generation" types but the past few years I keep fucking yearning for things that happened like 10 years before I was born. Fucking y2k aesthetics and shit are so rad and like early Internet things, like early new grounds and flash and shit, I only got the tail end of that when I was like 8 tops. I don't fucking get new grounds though, I get like high end smartphones and stuff and it really just feels wrong, like we went too far and spiraled into TikTok and shit. I really can't think of a single franchise I ever loved enough to make part of my personality, or a trend that affected me to my core that everyone thought was cool and also took part in. It really sucks that I never feel like I belong in the right pool, and I know I'm not alone when things like neonet exist. Oh well

[dirtsrs]

i passed with an 80 btw

there are 4 days left of summer school and i have a 40. i've discovered literally all the questions are stolen from other teacchers online and i can literally google all of them but something in my brain just cant give a fuck and im probably gonna repeat english. pretty cool

[dirtsrs]

i turn 16 in a little less than 2 months, and man im pretty scared. i know in reality nothing will actually change, and ill keep goobering as always but there's a bit of significance to these numbers. ill lose a little token, like all the things i do will be a little less impressive and people will start taking me a little more seriously (myself included).

^unrelated: i had a game idea in my big dumb brain and i wanted to mock it up in blender. basically the left side of your keyboard controls the player's feet (on a disco dance floor) and the mouse controls the player hands (waving in the air, as if to just not care). in a perfect world it'd be 2 mouse inputs for each hand or each foot or one of both or something, but we dont live in a perfect world, and im going to turn 16 in two months.

[dirtsrs]

i turn 16 in a little less than 2 months, and man im pretty scared. i know in reality nothing will actually change, and ill keep goobering as always but there's a bit of significance to these numbers. ill lose a little token, like all the things i do will be a little less impressive and people will start taking me a little more seriously (myself included).

^unrelated: i had a game idea in my big dumb brain and i wanted to mock it up in blender. basically the left side of your keyboard controls the player's feet (on a disco dance floor) and the mouse controls the player hands (waving in the air, as if to just not care). in a perfect world it'd be 2 mouse inputs for each hand or each foot or one of both or something, but we dont live in a perfect world, and im going to turn 16 in two months.

[dirtsrs]

If you have to tell me the takeaway of a story then that's a bad fucking story

[dirtsrs]

wanted to vault somewhere i saw this funny number haha funny haha

[dirtsrs]

(draft post, unsure how to finish, don't really want to finish)

Y'know one time I saw me in a reblog chain with a thousand notes tagged "#fave" and that brightened my day. I've always gotten little clout nuggets and I've always felt great every time it's happened, (sorry I'm gonna reminisce and sorta humble brag in this post I just really want to) like I was making straight up dogass memes for like a while YouTube from when I was ~8 to when I was like, 13, and in that course of time I got a few zingers. Like 300 subs ain't much but it means a lot! 300 real people admire something I made. Same dealio with that ultrakill post, 1500 notes! Stuff feels peachy keen. I'm working on a platformer for mobile right now and I really want to recapture the same thing, having a ton of people seeing something I made and not really wanting to follow me or nothing but just liking something I made. There was this comedian, I think his name was Andrew Santiago, and he said "I don't want to have some big legacy, I just want to be a cheeseburger", as in being enjoyed in the moment and forgot about. If I ever reach legacy status, that'd be cool, but it just feels like a lot.

[dirtsrs]

there are 4 days left of summer school and i have a 40. i've discovered literally all the questions are stolen from other teacchers online and i can literally google all of them but something in my brain just cant give a fuck and im probably gonna repeat english. pretty cool

[dirtsrs]

I'm not an adult so I'm not sure of the viability of this or if there's some stipulation making this illegal or something, but could I not just create a bank account that I never put any money into, get a debit card for that account, and exclusively use it to sign up for free trials? so even if something wacky occurs like I'm unable to cancel or something it never has an impact on me because there's no money in the account, right? I'm just spitballing but that would probably work I think, but I've never heard of anyone doing that and it seems like obvious to me. is it like more effort than it's worth maybe?

[dirtsrs]

reddit

[dirtsrs]

shut the fuck up man

Dude my English teacher can't pronounce luxurious

Like she just struggled for a solid 30 seconds until someone corrected her

[dirtsrs]

I'm now like completely convinced my phone is listening to my conversations dude. In the past two days I've gotten 2 ads in german, whilst in the prior forever I got 0 ads in german. 3 days ago, I was joking with my friends, one said "you should've started speaking in german" (in reference to something else brought up earlier) and in response my other friend said a few sentences in german (they are both taking German, I am not). I used to get a few ads in Spanish here and there, but I feel like English and Spanish speakers have a lot more overlap than English and German speakers. Also, for context, I live in bumfuck Texas 45 minutes from Dallas, so Spanish is a lot more common in my area. What the fuck