dirtylittlesecret-blog-blog

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But is it worth it? Is being unhappy but stable better than happy but unstable? Or is being unstable being unhappy?

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It's time

I can’t think straight. He’s got me hooked on his love. The way he touches me makes me jump and tingle. Every word he says I take in. He trusts me and cares but does he care as much as he used to?

  Some days he appreciates everything about me and others, all he wants is something that is meant to be treasured and intimate. We used to be perfect and laugh and never doubt our relationship but, ever since that night, he has been different. He doesn’t care as much. He doesn’t want to appreciate my presents as much as he did. He just disregards me.

  Our conversations are shorter and usually end in a fight of him not thinking he’s good enough for me. The problem is, even though we are falling apart, I still love him. My parents would say that it’s not real but it is. I can’t bare the thought of him not being in my life. I would break into one million pieces and fall to the cold hard ground unable to be glued back together. I would fight so hard for this relationship but it just seems to not be working anymore.

  It is said that the past is the past but the past is also what shapes the future and so far, my future is looking darker and darker. I’m not as happy anymore but I just can’t let him go. He’s my first love, my first everything and just the thought of letting that go would kill all my hopes and dream I had, all the moments we shared. But is it worth it? Is being unhappy but stable better than happy but unstable? Or is being unstable being unhappy? My relationship is a mess without a cause. Maybe it’s time to move on and look to the future and not let my past shape it. Let go of our memories of happiness and intimately, our moments of togetherness and closeness. Maybe it’s time to let him move on to another girl that will fulfill all of his hopes and dreams and make him as happy as he has made me. Maybe it’s time, time to set him free. 

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THANK YOU, BATKID! from Kid President!

Thank you to Batkid Miles for saving the day! Thank you to grown-ups who make awesome things like that happen. Let’s live in a world where it happens more. 

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I guess to some extent you get used to being alone. You get used to not expecting phone calls and having nothing to do at night. Your thoughts echo through your head and no one will listen. And sure I may seem strong but I’m a tear drop away from crying and a few breaths away from dying. So know that as I spend my days making you smile I die a little more every single night and wake up to a soggy pillow.

Bree Phoenix (via breephoenix)

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Kiss me in the rain

Kiss me in the rain so I can hide my tears. The future is scary like the thunder and lighting in my storm of life. As each drop falls I can feel you slowly slip away and out of my reach, wasting our hopes and dreams together that seemed certain down and away from reality. This is our last kiss goodbye, as we will never know each other again like we used to. That doesn’t mean I don’t still love you. That doesn’t mean I don’t still care. And that doesn’t mean I don’t always hope for the best but the slight chance of ‘might’ still gets to me. It hits me like an arrow with the target of my heart.

You were my first love, the first one the really care, the first one I gave my everything to. Although the storm of life carries on, the memories are those that will never fade away from me. I will love you forever and always but as you slowly fall down the grain, I have to learn that I have to forget and move on to the sunshine afterward. Although it may be hard I have to look to the future and let you go even though we know we both don’t want to.

As i can barely see what I am write as tears fog my eyes i remember your words, "I wont get to see you much anymore." He doesn't know what I'm going to say or do. All I know is that it's for the best and we will both love again. If we are too young for love then why is this so hard? All he knows is that we won't see each other in a while but he doesn't know that goodbye is forever and once it is said, it is too late to go back. 

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The secrets of the inside

Virginity. The whole day this word ran in and out of my head over and over again. All I could think was, ‘It’s gone, vanished, disappeared and not for a few days but forever.’ Was it all it was cracked up to be on television shows and movies? They make it look so easy and when do you ever see them put protection on? But all my thoughts had to stay inside my head like they were in a prison just waiting for a manipulative ‘friend’ on guard to unlocked the door so they could run and tell everyone and anyone that will listen.

  No one knows. Just him and I. That’s it. All I know that he has swiped my V card, deflowered me or even popped my cherry if you will. And to think that it all happened so fast. Sure we had been planning it for a while now but for it to be taken from me in one split second was the thought that disturbed me.

  The only thing that disturbed me more was the thought of actually conceiving. The women in our family get pregnant as easily as I forget what day it is in the week and for my that is pretty frequently. A baby at 15 was not the ideal way to grow up. Its not like we weren’t careful but just the thought makes me cringe. It’s not like I can tell my Mum or anything either. What do you think she would say? “YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS! WHAT IF YOU GOT PREGNANT!” I know people say that you should not be doing ‘it’ at this age but that was then and this is now. A lot has changed since the 20th century. People don’t value their virginity as much anymore. All it is is a layer of skin anyway. Guys technily don’t even have a virginity! It’s like a sad memory, a fake, imamate object that you hold with you until you decide to let it go. And that was exactly what I did; let it go.

  It was nothing to me. I know that really does sound bad but it is what it is. Nothing. Zilch. Nil. That’s why I didn’t care but if people knew, oh I would care all right. No one else besides the participates of the act should know, right? I mean, its really no-one else business. But just the thought of telling someone still lures me in; Just one person, just to share it with them so they can hear me out and listen to me, understand what I’m going through. This is why I’m writing this. I want you to know so I can let it all out on you. I need to get this secret out of my system and I trust you. It’s not like you are going to be able to tell anyone. So, there you have it. My dirty little secret is out in the open. For you and I to see.