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disasterdoer · 22 days ago

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On Noncon/Dubcon as a Kink

A topic I get asked to discuss a lot.

♡ Foreword

As many of you are aware of, my name is Marie and I write fictional erotic thrillers, many of which contain either non-consensual or sadomasochistic sex—a trope often referred to as rape for titillation or more simply rape fantasies.

Firstly, before we get into the topic at hand, I wish to underline that rape fantasies can never be compared to actual rape—as rape is the action of conducting sex without consent, whereas one always has consent within one's own fantasy.

However, the question you may be asking or have at a point asked is why women have fantasies of sexual assault in the first place.

This is a question that I, by no means, can answer perfectly. Yet, in the spirit of philosophy and amateur psychology, I will lay out my personal theories as an author of such erotica.

I’ve long wondered why we, women, fantasize about things that would appall us if manifested in reality. It makes little sense that an act so ruinous in practice is titillating when humored theoretically. In the vast complexities of psychology, no matter how much I drink of its depths, I can’t seem to get my fill enough to fully understand it. I’ve come to accept that attempting to figure out female arousal is like pulling hair from a clogged gutter and trying to undo all the knots—it’s a web of contradictions.

Nevertheless, I shall try anyway.

♡ The First Theory — cultural and conventional reasons

Through the age-old societal norms and customs we adopt while growing up, the world paints a picture of aggressive men dominating passive women from the very moment we develop the ability to comprehend. Even in kindergarten, it's considered cute when a boy pulls his crush's pigtails.

Be it through bedtime stories of pretty princesses awaiting Prince Charming, historical tales of heroic men going off to war to fight for the wives they’ve left at home, or the simple but classic marriage constructed of a hard-working husband and stay-at-home housewife—we are, before we’re ever aware it, conditioned to believe that these stereotypical gender roles are correct representations of men and women—and furthermore, pushed to accept that this dynamic is what romance is supposed to look like—with men at the helm and women sitting pretty with nothing but a smile.

Thankfully, such fixed notions of gender and their place in society are increasingly frowned upon in modern parts of the world. Yet, for some odd reason, they remain no less fascinating to humor from time to time in the safe comfort of a good fantasy.

Why is that?

Think of it this way—if you’ve been served pasta all your life, it isn’t strange that you still get a craving for it every now and again, even after discovering you enjoy salad more. We find comfort and pleasure in what we know and have been taught to enjoy, even when those things don’t suit us—familiarity often trumps our true wishes. This is what conditioning is and does.

But there is more to it. The bra, makeup, and flattering clothes—we wear them not because they’re comfortable but because we feel uncomfortable without them. And we find the reason here: in our unyielding instinctive pursuit to attract men, we often sacrifice ourselves to see it fulfilled. It’s the same with wanting to be the damsel in distress awaiting the knight in shining armor—we aspire to take on that role because we know acting that way appeals to most men.

♡ Second Theory — emotional and instinctual reasons

The Beauty and the Beast motif—featuring classic co-dependency. Women submit to abuse because we have an inbuilt need to nurture others, so when we encounter men who we deem damaged, we become obsessed with a desire to fix them or save them from themselves by showering them in affection, with often very little regard to the abuse dealt in return.

I dub it mother syndrome. Most women simply can’t stand the thought of abandoning someone they think needs them—the female constitution simply doesn’t allow it. We find purpose in taking care of others, it’s one of our core instincts that we often romanticize over all else—staying by someone’s side no matter what. It’s in most of the world’s wedding vows as the very epitome of romance—through thick and thin, til death do us part—even when the man you’re marrying might very well be the death of you, it's considered shameful to leave him—many might even call you weak if you do, when in reality, sticking up for yourself is the strongest and most logical thing you can do.

♡ Third Theory — physiological reasons

Note that it says physiological and not psychological. This one pertains less to the mind and heart and focuses purely on our instincts to survive.

Research has been conducted around women having another inbuilt self-defense mechanism—a seldom talked-about phenomenon—which shows that females tend to become physically aroused when they sense any possibility of sexual aggression in their environment in order to lower their chance of injury if they are raped. I suspect it’s somewhat similar to how some animals feign death or injury so as not to be treated like a threat.

Additionally, as humans, we’re able to conjure such situations with scary accuracy within our very own heads. Thus, when imagining being the victim of sexual aggression, it isn’t unnatural to feel aroused. It’s sometimes simply your body’s own response, protecting itself from potential harm.

I find this one to be as depressing as it is fascinating.

Moreover, the sensation of fear shares many of the same components as the feeling of arousal—adrenaline, dopamine, and cortisol. So it isn’t so strange that our mind mistakes the two no matter the case—survival instinct or not.

♡ Fourth Theory — psychological reasons

Here is where we get the brunt of the knots clogging the drain.

In fantasies and writing or viewing, we get to reframe traumatic experiences in a positive light or rework traumatic experiences in a safe environment. Victims of sexual trauma will often be drawn to relive the abuse as a type of exposure therapy, wanting to take control over something that once took control of them to try and regain a feeling of safety they’ve lost.

Another reason to relive the abuse is as a form of punishment women give to themselves. Many females who’ve experienced sexual abuse feel as though they have been ruined and rendered worthless and no longer deserve anything but the abuse. Which is obviously not the case. But even though many realize this, it can be hard to silence that voice. This means that these women, when feeling a sliver of arousal, subconsciously turn it into a punishment—making the fantasy violent and often degrading because it’s the only way they feel they deserve the eventual gratification.

♡ Fifth Theory — pertains to the ego

This is another of the many psychological reasons we’ll divulge as we try to untangle the knots in the drain.

The needy roughness showcased by the aggressor within a non-consensual sex fantasy indicates an intense desire for the victim, which itself is an aphrodisiac of sorts. Here, we find a hidden wish for power, where non-consensual sex bolsters a woman's feelings of seductiveness and desirability in the way it has the ability to make a man lose his decency and self-control, driving him to commit crimes of passion despite great personal cost.

Put simply, some women enjoy the idea of being irresistible enough to drive even a good man crazy. The thought of being attractive enough to make a man love-sick is, in this case, a power trip and a turn-on.

One might say that, in some cases, this arises from a feeling of undesirability and insecurity. Feeling so self-conscious that we tip the scale completely, turning ourselves into succubi, so that men simply can’t resist.

In other cases, it’s simply an ego boost.

♡ Sixth Theory — a form of projecting

Yet another psychological reason.

Fantasies of rape reduces the distress associated with sex, as it allows women to renounce any guilt they might feel as they are not, in this scenario, responsible for what occurs. The logic here states that when we are forced into something, we’ll have a lesser need to feel shame about acting out our own desires.

Put simply, some women wish to maintain their innocence despite having carnal desires only satiated by means of sinful acts.

This reason specifically begs another question. Is there a lingering feeling of guilt and shame around female sexuality? To which I say, of course! Women are constantly met with disdain when they're open about their sexual desires. So, we’re left feeling a need to victimize ourselves, where transferring our own sexual desires onto another gives us permission to act them out without feeling guilty or dirty, because, inside this fantasy, it isn’t us committing the indecencies.

♡ More on psychological reasons — of which there are infinite

Control—to feel wanted, lusted for, obsessed over, and coveted by others—the power of driving someone to lovesick desire, a frenzied state, where they would do anything, even illegal, only for the chance to have you. Additionally, despite such harsh cases of ego, wanting none of the responsibility for it, wanting to be free of sin, to maintain innocence and purity in light of such dark desires.

Or is there a seventh theory? One found in our idyllic construct of freedom—this aimless goal of ours to make ourselves appreciate breathing through balancing the electric powerline between having and losing control—moreover, a wish for control and a juxtaposing wish to relinquish it.

Humans desire control just as much as they disdain having control. This is why BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism) kinks and fetishes are found in some shape or form in nearly every romantic or sexual relationship in existence. You’ll have the dominant partner wishing to achieve control over a submissive partner wishing to relinquish control through such means of domination, humiliation, pain, and pleasure.

But it’s more complex than that, isn’t it?

Yes, because, contradictory, a submissive partner may wish for control, and a dominant partner may wish to lose it. Human beings are an unyielding paradox, flexing across contrasting aims with no means to an end. And coming to this conclusion, I realized that such is the pursuit of many, even in endeavors not of the erotic kind.

Is it this act of switching places, the attraction and pull, the stimuli and response, the attack and retaliation—in this clusterfuck of contradictions and uncertainty—that we find a thrill that occupies our otherwise hibernating minds—bored to the degree that we become machines in our daily programs wanting nothing but to be jumpstarted into speeding on the highway?

Is it simply that we need a little extremity as a remedy for our dull lives? Do we fall in love with illegal things simply because we are denied them? Simply because they’re illegal? Self-harm, drug use, gambling, murder, rape…

Are these things a part of us? And are we, without them, left feeling unfulfilled? Is The Purge perhaps onto something vitally important? A cure for boredom to this mediocrity that leaves us all feeling so blue. The remnants of the wild before we became civilized—old instinct rendered as bygones left to simmer without any outlet.

Maybe a little…

But there’s probably a simpler reason.

♡ L’appel du Vide — the Call of the Void

Humans crave emotional fluctuation from time to time. Why? Because it’s stimulating, and stimulation feels good.

Your brain is a factory. Actions and experiences are what raw materials go into the factory, and emotions are what come out—rushed along on conveyor belts made of hormones such as dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, and oxytocin—to name a few of the good ones.

When we experience the same things every day—living life on autopilot—those conveyor belts shut down, and the factory comes to a standstill, leaving us with a single taxing emotion: boredom. And this is why we seek out new experiences and exciting ordeals—to make sure those raw materials going into the factory are of top quality.

But instead of going out and acting like a hooligan in order to harvest these raw materials, we’ve created a plethora of artificial and less incriminating ways to achieve the same thrills.

Take violent video games, for example. The blind bounds of excitement others ascend to in the midst of shooting their friends wouldn’t go over so well in reality, but it works wonders in a digital platform. The rush of falling in and out of enemy territory, of danger and safety, from being a predator to becoming the prey, of victory and defeat, of chasing death only to be comforted by one’s remaining life, because, in reality, you're safe and sound in front of a screen.

Also, in other cases—rollercoasters, horror movies, extreme sports, driving over the speed limit, etc...

Yes, the need for emotional fluctuation, this wish to trip in and out of control, isn’t limited to the realm of lust but is present in most aspects of life. We find it in everything—drugs, gambling, and gaming, even in relationships and work.

It’s in the concept of West World that we’re introduced to human beings at their most wanton and violent—minds stripped of conscience and restraint. It’s an interesting prospect, and though we’re not technologically advanced enough as a society to live in a world that offers amusement parks such as West World, we can achieve some of the same delights in the safe enclosure of a good fantasy. Here, we can explore all our darkest thoughts without the burden of shame and guilt and without reaping any of the consequences.

I’m almost making us sound like demons, but rest easy, it’s natural.

The human brain, quite like the stomach, hungers for stimulation. Moreover, it isn’t only through entertainment, but education as well—both things we use to feed our heads. Our mind is a natural problem-solver because it feels gratification from figuring things out, and so, it questions things and seeks out answers all on its own, without us even realizing it, including questions we don’t even want answered. For example, have you ever wondered what it would be like to murder someone—what it would take, what it would feel like, why it would matter, how you would do it? Of course, most people don’t actually want to kill other people; nevertheless, your brain craves to have those questions answered anyway.

The French dub this philosophical conundrum L’appel du Vide. Translated, it means The Call of the Void, which speaks to our tendencies to entertain destructive thoughts. The most common example used to demonstrate this state is the urge to jump off a cliff when standing close enough. Of course, there is no logical reason for you to jump, yet your mind craves to know the logistics anyway.

And that brings me to my point—things that excite the human mind are our one true love. Those things that cause traffic in our head, making it spin and crash and build itself up again—those are the things we lust for.

As such, daydreaming about taboo sexual experiences is mostly only a symptom of this traffic—L’appel du Vide—our need to feed our forever-hungry heads.

So don’t curse yourself for enjoying it.

♡ On another note — and such another warning and disclaimer

I want you not to accept any of my work as love stories.

Personally, I think hints of toxic displays such as jealousy, obsession, and possession in a partner are natural—but a difference is made when such feelings become restricting to a degree you no longer feel free or safe. I implore you to make such distinctions for yourself when regarding yourself, and, in extreme cases, when regarding others.

In that regard, I do not condone the events or actions of the characters in my stories—neither offender nor victim. No one should allow themselves to fall prey to toxic partners. The signs are always there—keep a weathered eye out for them.

And no, I’m not blaming those who’ve allowed themselves to stay in toxic relationships. I, myself, am guilty of that—but I won’t excuse my poor judgment any less than I would anyone else. You know when something doesn’t feel right. We shouldn’t blur the lines of right and wrong in the name of love—or whatever else we may lend our self-control to—be it religion, culture, family, or societal pressure.

You are in control. Don’t allow anything else to become the case.

♡ Lastly

This discussion piece is also the foreword to my book College Years, wherein you'll find many other similar discussions after each of the twenty erotic thrillers, for those of you who're interested.

Marie's Collection of Erotic Thrillers

♡ NIGHTMARE'S HELPDESK

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