discussions-of-endless-death

[discussions-of-endless-death]

It's always fun to watch someone go from supposedly loving you SoOOOooOo much to literally fucking hating you when you knew that was gonna happen from the beginning because you know you're fundamentally both unlikable and unlovable. It's always the same thing. Me thinking to myself, "I don't know why you think there's anything special about me but you'll see in time" and eventually, "Yup, there it is. There's the shift. You finally realize. Right on cue." Only, by then, it's always me who's fallen hopelessly in love and attached. So it ends up being a walk in the park for them to leave while I'm left cradling the pieces. The pictures, the cards, the letters, the gifts, the memories. That's where we live now. I hope someday to meet someone who appreciates those kinds of connections. Someone for whom those things are so rare that once found, losing them simply isn't an option.

[discussions-of-endless-death]

God this hurts so fucking bad.

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Having to spend the rest of your life hated by the love of your life is such an indescribable kind of pain.

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It's so very possible to be shredded to nothing. By someone with a smile on their face. So eager to move on. So excited to scour their dating sites and fetlife for new fucks. What an adventure huh?

It's always all but life or death for me but just another relationship to them. Must be nice. Must be nice. Must be nice. Must be nice. Must be nice. Must be nice. Must be nice. Must be. Must.

[discussions-of-endless-death]

“It was an act of self-preservation — however misguided it was”.

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I don't think I'll ever feel safe with anyone again.

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"It's ok baby just gimme your pussy."

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I get so sick of hating myself but the feeling is so strong sometimes and there just doesn't seem to be any way around it. It goes so deep. I feel like I'm always gonna feel this way. I don't know what magic could possibly take this out of me or free me from it somehow. Nothing I've tried, and tried consistently, has put more than momentary dents in it. The pain always comes back.

[discussions-of-endless-death]

So many things we didn't get to do together.

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The answer is always going to be, "I love you." If it's not for you then you fucking lied to me. Maybe think about that a bit.

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It absolutely shatters you when you no longer matter to the person who mattered the absolute most to you and yet people act like you should just be able to drop that. Move on. "Level up." "Bro they didn't deserve you." Etc.

Sure thing. I'll get right on that.

[discussions-of-endless-death]

Losing you was like losing such a deep part of myself. Something was there before you, something of me that you took from me. Took with you. I kept searching for a way to get that back. From my enjoyments, my passions, trying to appreciate my other relationships more. I had a few glimpses. I thought maybe I was getting some of it back. Every time I slipped back and it was just as bad as before. Now I just don't seem to have much left in me. I hope you can take some satisfaction in that. Afterall, these things are adversarial. It's all about winning.

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My heart beets for you ☘️

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Some people sure are lucky.

I don't wanna be here anymore.

[discussions-of-endless-death]

Everyone I talk to I wish it was you.

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I just wish you could love me and only me the way I do you.

[discussions-of-endless-death]

I haven't in quite some time, but I used to type messages in her text box and then delete them. Long messages explaining how I feel and whatever else. I just typed this one:

"God you're so lucky. I'd give anything to have the freedom you have to date and fuck all these people and just move on so immediately after something like what we...well what I thought we had. But at the same time I'm happy you get to have that. I'm happy it's easier for you. You get to have all these different experiences with people. You get to really live unencumbered by debilitating neurodivergence, trauma, malignant self hatred, or shame and guilt. You get to be a real person with a real life. So lucky. It's so amazing. I think about it almost constantly. I'd give almost anything to be on your side of this. To be free. To get to have intimate affection and sex as a regular part of my life still. I can't imagine what it must be like to be able to have those thing so easily in life. To not be constantly crumbling under the weight of the loneliness, lack of physical touch, and the absolute nothing that my life is in spite everything I've tried so fucking hard to do to change something, anything. I think it's amazing what you've accomplished and the gifts you've been given. That someone gets to be that person. You're so lucky. Endlessly endlessly lucky."

Obviously I won't be sending it but I'll let it sit in the box for some time pretending maybe I just might. But obviously it would be disgusting. I realize I'm being irrational and it's all an expression of how absolutely horrible and unbearable these feelings are inside of me. So eventually I just delete the message and keep it all inside. Letting it fester and fester.