disheartenedunderachiever-blog

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

It is worth it... isn’t it?

12:00 midnight. You reach your hand towards the coffee mug sitting beside your book. Slowly, you brought it towards your mouth, anticipating the warmth and wakefulness it will bring you. But nothing touched your lips. You slowly set the empty mug on your table, frustrated. That was the third cup you've had. You can already feel your heart beating on your chest, as if trying to escape, almost as desperate as you are.

Five hours. Five non-stop hours of studying. You stared at the reviewer on your table, beside it was your textbook which now looks like a picture book due to the color brought by the highlighters you used; a desperate attempt to organize the seemingly unrelated words printed on each page. You wonder when will all the pieces fall to form the big picture.

Finally, sleepiness took over and you fell asleep right then and there, still holding your reviewer on your left hand and a pen on your right.

3:00 am. You jumped as your alarm broke the silence. Still half-asleep, you looked around and saw books scattered on the floor. Slowly, reality dawned on you and you realized what happened. Thanking yourself that you set an alarm, you slowly gathered the books on the floor and started studying yet again. "Four more hours 'till first class. I can do this..."

7:00 am. You sit nervously on your seat. On your right is a classmate, sleeping, holding on her hands crumpled papers that was once a chapter of your textbook. On your left is another classmate, desperately reading, trying to cram anything before the exam starts. Suddenly, the door flew open and your professor walks in, papers on hand. She asked everyone to stand up and pray. You silently begged to pass.

12:00 noon. The first half of the exams are over. You know it yourself that you might not pass. The questions flew past your head, the choices seem impossibly similar, and the things you do know doesn't seem to connect or relate to any question. But you have no time to despair. Heck, you don't even have time to eat. You sat on your chair, reading your reviewers over and over and over and over again, hoping that this time, there will be at least one question you can confidently answer.

4:00 pm. The exams are finally over. You gave it your best, though you know it may not be enough. Without even changing clothes, you lie down on your bed, slowly starting to unravel. Sleepiness and hunger fight to take over your consciousness, but the only thing that remained was despair. "I did my best. That's what matters" you try to console yourself with these words until you fell asleep.

XX:XX xx. The results are out. Your hands are shaking as you logged in your student account where your grades are posted. You almost closed the screen out of fear, but your curiosity was stronger. Finally, you saw it, all your subjects, neatly flashed on one column, your grades on the next. With your hands still shaking, you traced the screen with your finger, slowly going over each subject.

Subject A : B Subject B : C Subject C : B- Subject D : C+ Subject E : A- Subject F : B+

You stared at the screen for a few seconds, not being able to believe that you passed everything. Then suddenly, you jumped out of your chair, fists raised in the air, tears almost falling from your eyes. You did it. You passed. You survived. It was all worth it. . . . .

"Is that your grades...?"

You turned around and saw your mother behind you, curious about what exactly made you jump. With a smile still on your face, you showed her the screen. There was silence as you wait your chance to share your happiness with her. Then she turned to you with dead-serious eyes.

"You almost failed. Why is that?"

"Huh...?" was all you could say, your smile slowly disappearing from your face.

"Your grades. Why did you almost fail?”

"But I didn't fail anything..."

"Yeah but weren't we aiming for straight A's?"

She looked at you for a few seconds, you unable to utter a single word. She then sighed and told you to try harder next time before leaving you, alone. Whatever trace of the euphoria you felt after seeing those grades were now gone, replaced with a mix of confusion and sadness.

You looked again at the screen which once brought you happiness, now nothing more than a reminder of what you might have been. All those effort poured in studying was worth it. It IS worth it... or is it?

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

Broken

When you are barely hanging there despite all the weight everyone puts on your shoulder...

Then here comes a person, unknowing of your struggles, adding more and more and more to the weight...

That's when you lose it all and just let yourself be crushed under, not even bothering to stand up again...

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

I sat on my bed

In front of books I have to read

With papers on my right

And more books on my left

My laptop screen flashes the statistics I have to pass by morning

Sad music playing through my headphones.

With an ice cream on my hand,

I fight the emptiness that is slowly eating me away

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

It hurts...

It hurts when you see the person with whom you have a lot of happy memories with having fun by herself while you're left there wondering what happened to the friendship you once shared

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

Accepting your Weakness is a Strength

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

That sad moment when you realize no one really knows who you are...

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

One day I'll be gone.

When that day comes...

Would a tear be shed for me...?

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

My Clingy Friend

I have a friend. Quite a weird one he is. He's very clingy you would call bullshit on me. But believe me, he'd cling to me despite me doing all I can to openly push him away. Manners and consideration are basically nonexistent in our relationship. Call me horrible. Call me insensitive. Call me a bitch/asshole/bastard or whatever insult is in your arsenal. But that's the reality of how I treat my friend.

Some days, he'd take the hint. When I push him away, he'd leave me alone with a sense of relief. Then I'd be able to go about my daily life. I'd be able to enjoy parties or simple get-togethers without the burden of his presence. Those were what I'd like to consider as my 'normal' days, as normal as my days could be.

The some days he'd cling to me wo much I can't shake him off. He'd put his arms around my neck and weigh my shoulders down. Sometimes he'd stay quiet; sometimes he'd whisper in a voice only I can hear. No one would notice him. Some would see glimpses of him, but I do my best to hide him. I wouldn't dare show him to anyone, not after being rejected and ridiculed when I tried to ask for help.

During those times, I can actively try to shake him off. I try to remove his arms around my neck, shake my hurting shoulders to shift his heavy weight away. Sometimes he'd give up after a while. Sometimes he'd do nothing. Sometimes he'd tighten his embrace and lean on me more. I can continue trying; I can give up.

Sometimes when he clings to me, I don't resist at all. I'd ignore his tight grip that makes it hard to breath, his heavy weight on my shoulders, his whispers that urges me to do nothing. Most days I succumb to his whispers. I'd remain on my bed despite my alarm clock shouting how late I am to ny duties and obligations. I'd ignore all the phone calls and messages from friends and strangers both. I won't clean the room nor myself even if the need is dire.

However, there are those rare days when I'd try to do something despite all the whispers. During those days, nothing is not torture. Simply waking up in the morning drains all my energy reserves. Trying to hide him from people aeound me feels like drowning in a bottomless ocean. Maintaining composure is impossible without breaking down every five minutes. Doing anything feels so hard I'd almost choose the comfort of Death's embrace.

But still, despite all of these things, I still consider him as a friend, even though having him near me means that dark times are ahead and he's the one leading me there. His presence brings no confort. If anything, he'd only worsen the situation by covering my eyes, leaving me unable to see the way out. But he's still my friend. We never had fun tine together, but he's still my friend.

By the way, I haven't introduced him yet. Everyone, I'd like you to meet my friend:

DEPRESSION

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

Everyone around me quarreled, friends with friends, friends with their family, family with family... They fought over little things, the time when they were not able to meet up, that one phone that was promised but never bought, that small piece of land that were to be divided among them, even the money that was borrowed ages ago from a sibling...

While they went on and on, I had to put a mask... But i couldn’t take it anymore... That’s when I heard something that has been desperately clinging for dear life break...

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

Sadness might hurt, but happiness hurts more...

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

Why is it so,

That the more I try to forget, 

The more I remember,

That faint smile on your lips,

Those restless eyes that finds peace on mine,

Those broad shoulders that used to give me comfort,

Those hands that used to dry my tears,

Those feet that I used to follow?

Why is it so,

That things turned out to be,

So painful that I have to forget everything?

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

I thought I knew what I want until I saw lifeless eyes in the mirror

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

people wonder why I am like this, someone who doesn’t care about others and would only do things that will benefit myself... What they didn’t know is that they’re the ones who made me become heartless. I’ve been stepped on and tossed aside many times that I lost my sense of humanity along the way...

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

I took your pain while you took away my happiness...

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

Why must I work hard for the glory of others when they won’t even care to credit me for doing all the hard work?

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

What’s the point in trying to live when everyone around you is trying to kill you, not one person trying to help you?

[disheartenedunderachiever-blog]

Always wearing a mask is convenient, no one asks you insensitive questions. But it is tiring, so tiring that I gave up on it. It was the first time I felt genuine happiness.