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me at 12: dad's anger issues are so scary waaaah

me at 27: if another slight inconvenience happens to me i'm going to put my car in reverse on the interstate

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thatbemeqq

video is mildly funny but this comment killed me

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A single sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1,587.5TB.

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romance is a type of friendship and im sick of people pretending like they're two seperate categories. your romantic partner is Supposed to also be your friend like at the very least why are we pitting romance AGAINST friendship when they r intertwined???? romantic partners are also friends and u can have romance with ur friends stop acting like these bitches are seperate forces

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just overheard my dad on the phone going “yeah, i’d be more than happy to buy her daughter off of you, how much would you be willing to trade her for?” and got Very Worried for a second before remembering that he manages dairy farms for a living. surely there’s gotta be a better way to word that man

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(In the cuck chair)(starts booing)

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The treasures of the wild (berries) have no price, but they do not come without cost. The forest accepts no money, I paid for these berries with a pint of my own blood (the mosquitoes fucking got me).

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Penny and her eeveelutions

credit: mikripkm on X

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You can teleport one (1) single individual live seagull into any time or place in history. Where would you choose to put it to best fuck with peoples' heads and cause as much confusion as possible?

I'd pick Tutankhamun's tomb, just behind the sealed door, 30 seconds before the seal is broken and the tomb is opened. Imagine throwing that into the curse myth - just as these people are about to crack open the greatest cold one in history, knowing that this is what they'll be known for from hereon, they open the door that must not be opened, and out scatters a frantic, deeply baffled bird, entirely healthy and intact, fluttering away never to be seen again, with no apparent way of how it got in.

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daily affirmations

I know why i am like this and i will never do anything about it

Psychologists could never help meee

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By ExplodingLobsterComics

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people talk about their writer friends stealing their weird habits or borrowing backstories but what you don't know is that we will steal your house. layout location garden colour scheme décor the whole lot. i have childhood friends with entire abodes immortalised in my stories. i have people i met once who would be able to recognise ancient six-month lease domiciles from a decade and a half ago. i'm in your house i'm in your blueprints and i am taking the lot.

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being some fucking guy on tumblr is so crucial for me it keeps me humble and, importantly, stupid

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Many are not familiar with what is called a diva moment. Youre about to learn