distinctlygrem - Tumblr blog

[distinctlygrem]

If you are led back here from your curiosity please read.

Firstly Im kinda the same. Periods of stability, periods of instability. 5 years sober and 9 years therapy, 4 years steady meds. As regards to you I keep thinking I've gotten closure and then it just rears back up. Somewhat triggered by events in my current life. I keep thinking its the end of it but it just never is.

I deeply regret the messages I sent you. And the things I did. They say all is fair in love and war. I'm not sure about that but I think I brought war into love and im deeply ashamed of my actions. I have a visceral reaction when I think about how you must have felt when you received the messages from me. I hadn't corresponded in so long and you weren't a huge topic on the mind for me at the time but I guess the brain can do funny things with memories and triggers, displacement etc. No excuses for my terrible behavior though, I made choices that I am hoping to never repeat again in any fashion. I am being bent in ways I haven't been before and things are starting to burst out like this situation and post. But im going to fucking do it, im going to find the support i need and I'm going to leave you the fuck alone. I promise you I mean you no harm, you are still that beautiful person I met on the dance floor more than a decade ago. I hope you are leading a full adult life with love and fun and fullfillment.

I also wanted to apologize for my part in our after breakup nonsense. i was hurt and confused and lost my marbles. Im sorry for all the weird things i did and said to you. I could name them but maybe you don't know them all and i for sure don't remember most of my drunk ramblings, so ill just leave it at that.

I really am not trying to leave this as omg ty im so sorry take me back you are amazing and beautiful all the time etc. nor am i trying to leave it as omg ty fucked me over and broke my heart, treated me bad, etc. I really just want to leave it. just leave it. and leave all my unanswered questions alone. just leave it. Remember the beginning, fantisize the potential story, and irl thrive without. Maybe we'll get another shot in another life.

When the order is up I do not plan on reaching out. I am so sorry for it existing and I am not trying to make it worse or startle you or disrupt your life or emotional state. Sorry Sorry Sorry

I have so much to say but I really did mean to be succinct.so..idk. imma leave it for now (but fyi this was edited down)

Anyway if you had read this far the purpose for writing at all is if theres any chance you would see this you will see my apology and know how sorry i am from one human to another what i did to you, and that you aren't going to be bothered like that again. The whole thing is still a work in progress but I can promise you that much. I wont apologize for who i am or what ive done in the world to survive but this truly is my deepest regret. No one deserves that. So i am sorry. I can't directly say this to you but this post now exists in the universe for fate to bring you to if its the right thing.

Grem