ditchbunny - Tumblr blog

[ditchbunny]

having an eating disorder is so isolating and humiliating honestly. i get mistaken for or accused of being a drug addict, people feel like it is ok to make fun of how pale or weak or thin i am, i don’t get invited to hang out anymore because people know i won’t eat. and if i even mention i have an eating disorder or struggle with urges people instantly assume i’m “pro ana” or trying to glorify my illness. the only ones glorifying my illness are the people who hear me talking about how in pain and depressed i am, and choose to only see me as a “triggering, skinny pro-ana bitch”. because as long as i’m thin the fact that i’m dying doesn’t matter, right? i’m legit about to start saying i have a digestive disorder instead of an eating disorder, at least then people might feel some shame when they are mocking me and hating me for a disease i didn’t choose to get.

[ditchbunny]

[ditchbunny]

i don’t wanna die but it would be great to get beaten within half an inch to death

[ditchbunny]

trauma nightmares are exhausting. it doesn’t matter if you relive your actual experiences in those dreams or if your brain creates a different scenario based on your fears and emotions, they are always heavy, suffocating, pressing the air from your lungs. you’ll wake up feeling tired, like you haven’t slept at all, like you’ve been running in fear all night. you might find it hard to escape the dream, feel truly awake, it might linger over you and make you lose your sense of reality all day. it’s okay for you to take a break on those days. you went through and are reeling from a symptom of the aftermath of trauma. you’re mentally unwell and need to take care if yourself to recover from the nightmares. you’re not weak or stupid for reacting to them so strongly, they’re not “just dreams”, dreams are your brain’s way of working through what’s gnawing at you and they can be extremely scary and emotional. you deserve to take the time you need to get over a trauma nightmare, you deserve to take it seriously and talk about it to someone who understands. your emotions are real and they make sense in the context of your trauma. don’t belittle yourself for reacting strongly to a dream.

[ditchbunny]

[ditchbunny]

[ditchbunny]

[ditchbunny]

[ditchbunny]

Picture by Jeff Burell

[ditchbunny]

[ditchbunny]

[ditchbunny]

i starve and i hurt because my ribs poke into my skin. i eat and i hurt because my stomach feels too tight.

i starve and i panic because i remember iv drips and writing my own will at 18 years old and god, i cannot watch my mom cry over my bony body one more time. i eat and i panic because i cannot bear this feeling, so dirty and disgusting.

no matter what i do i'll lose. every choice results in pain. can't you see why i haven't gotten better yet, no matter how hard i've tried?

[ditchbunny]

[ditchbunny]

[ditchbunny]

Untitled wip

[ditchbunny]

i don’t know if i love you, but i do love the way your hands feel on me and i guess that’s a start.

[ditchbunny]

like yeah i love having energy and actually having a sex drive again but i’d be lying if i said i didn’t really really really miss being sick. starving myself to death was like a security blanket and i cloaked myself in the comfort of dizziness, counting calories like stars, and doing situps until my bedroom’s wooden floors painted bruises all along my spine and hips. it was a lot easier when all i had to think about was losing several stone and restricting how many grams of oats i ate that day. now i have to worry about taxes and rent and car repairs and relationship problems and all of the fucking bullshit i tried to avoid for 6 damn years straight. running from your problems works great for a while, but i started to get tired and they finally caught up to me.