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6/2

He has the audacity to haunt my dreams. Sleep has always been my refuge. There is no stress, no hunger, no sleeplessness. It is a sanctuary for my mind and body, now polluted by the thing I am running away from. It always starts with the long awaited message. His apology and begging for reconciliation. We go back to bantering and laughing like old times, my heart finally healed over. I wake up demanding this. I want to have this. I want my best friend, my lover dearest, my heart to return back into my chest. But we cannot be lovers. We cannot be friends. I cannot have loved someone so passionately and just remove the feelings. I cannot allow him to disrespect my feelings so grandiosely and consent for more. I won't do it.

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5/12

it is not fair for you to expect me to cater to her every whim and protect her feelings while she is not expected to do the same for me. It is not fair to tell me I need to overlook a hundred of her faults while simultaneously being expected to be her best friend. I hate her. I resent her. She is killing me and you. My health is taking a nosedive, physically and mentally. So is yours. But I'm supposed to sit back and let her suck the life out of everything she touches? Absolutely not. This is why I got married. This is why I ran off and settled for below the barebones minimum. Because you fear her more than you love yourself or your children. I reflect on what went wrong in my marriage, why I rushed in, and this is it. It was kill myself living there or hope for the best somewhere else. I absolutely had to get out before she killed me. I am completely fucked because you can't draw a boundary. My blood is on your hands.

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I want to eat you up with kisses my love and make you so happy that happiness does not fit in your chest . I want to put sparks like fireflies in your beautiful eyes and spread smiles like sweet jam on your soft lips. Fill your days with tenderness and at night hang a necklace of stars in your sky. Write you the most beautiful poetry every day and love you, oh love you so much, that my love is your moon and your sun.

e.v.e. ( Letters to my love)

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‘l’avoir elle, c’est avoir les étoiles.’

to have her is to have stars

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"Sleep was a vehicle for passing the time, for avoiding the present. It was a trolley for the depressed, the impatient, and the dying. Donald was all three."

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"Life at its essence, Jimmy learned, was a series of meals and bowel movements."

-Shift

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"even a calloused heart bleeds when stabbed." -rolytanodellpoems

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1/15

the dull ache of a muscle gone unused my heart. it screams for him in the middle of the night, throughout the day the feeling of a tooth extracted, tongue groping to explore the hole of absence we have gone here before. we have done this before. but what if he doesnt come back this time? you don't want him back, I scream to myself stupid heart, she cannot listen defiant to her very core following her whims but just a horse being lead to slaughter bribed with soft leather and bells again and again feast on my heart what remains of it for I fear that you hold all that remains all that can remain I cannot allow the cycle to take root again

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12/11/2024

oh, dear, I've fallen behind. Again. Not shocking when you consider the circumstances. I can't recall where we left off. I need to remember to use this as a diary and not a novel. Things don't need to make sense to an outside reader. So the play has been amazing. Abrupt subject change, but I'm the author. Reclamation or whatever. I love my castmates, even if there's 300 of them. We went to Applebees on Saturday and it was an actual riot. A crew of 20 theater nerds roll up at 9pm to an applebees. I was with leah, julie, and... shit. I forgot. Ellie maybe? These tiny beings ordered one (1) appetizer plate to split. My fatass creamed that and a macaroni and tendies bowl. I laughed until I wept. I remember at Farrier Fun Day in the hottub, someone said one day I will find my tribe. I really felt like I have. The girls were funny, attentive, active listeners. I felt understood. I felt... loved. It was an experience. We also decided to write a play called COUNTY BUSINESS where it's us going into progressively more unhinged scenarios in the name of the great county. Ahh, we also bullied me for having the most epic line blunder. "He was as good a friend, as good a employer, as good a man, or any other man, and men, in the good ol world." Fucking iconic. I had a really insightful conversation with ry dearest. What we're looking to get, what we mean to each other, what we hope will happen. He was vulnerable and open and honest and beautiful and I'm thankful we had that moment together. I'd like to drop in for new years but he might be too cooked. We had a mini date where we watched caseoh granny together. I think I like him. He said he was going to visit daddyslaw's gf in washington. I freaked the absolute fuck out to the point I was shaking on stage. Like... he can do what he wants? You know you just set off 36 blazing alarms in his pretty head? He handled it really, really well and reassured it's not a set thing, she has a live in fiance, he just loves silly me. I'm shocked he covered so well and was so patient. Maybe he is actually a nice guy? I gave him a dump about why I'm like that, but I also get his ptsd slaps too. I have to do better. I'm disgusted that I got that upset over a guy just... visiting his pals? wtf cheyenne? I'm going to nuke this before we have a chance to see what happens. I know he absolutely hates that, but anxiety is a bitch. I'm mad that I'm jealous over his rp partners when I don't even rp. I need to stalk and control him and it is so disgusting. I need his attention and validation all the time. I'm doing exactly what someone else did and broke apart a marriage. We all become what we're running from, I guess. I apologized and thanked him for being good, but I need to get a fucking grip. Shit, so much more to cover... So after all this, Sunday we went to the taco dealer, another group of 20 theater nerds. I was with Stuart, Tara, Diann.... and I think I'm missing some. Oh, Pam. Stuart shared a deeply personal tale of his gender identity. How he felt slewicidal, and he may have acted on it after losing his job. But his identity of Sabrina helped him cope. It was a really moving talk about finding yourself and your identity, and it's never too late. He shared a lot of pictures and ngl im mad that his makeup and styling is better than mine. gg sabrina get it bestie. i wanted to cry and hug him at the end. id like to try new things and all that but.... yeah me and fren had a painting night last night. i made a very Phat gnome. i love him. nobody else had a jumbo gnome. again, good food, laugh until i cry. good times baby. im also super into crochet now so thats cool "yup. i think we're done here."

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You have got to learn how to be a god yourself in order to save yourself.

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“You should be glad you’re nervous,” he told me finally. I remember laughing bitterly, sure he was joking. “It’s true.” He was always so gentle. “Nervousness means there’s a fear to be faced ahead, Diago. The man who is never nervous, never does anything hard. The man who is never nervous, never grows.” He stroked my hair. “Do all you can to think of it as an opportunity. A blessing. No matter how it makes you feel in here.” His hand pressed lightly against my chest, covering it.

The Will of the Many

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forevermore. togethermore.      inside the house          on widow’s peak.

phantoms (mar. 1, 2019)

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Breaking down dearly departed.

I just figured this out so if you don’t want to cry over Astoria anymore don’t read this.

But Dearly Departed.

Fucking emotional song right?

But I was looking at the lyrics and listening to the song that made me realise things that completely took my heart out. 

First off - 3rd of October - MT day. 

Didn’t understand it first, but then “maybe not the way we thought we’d planned, but both of us will take this hand.” (THIS WAS THEIR WEDDING DATE FUCK OMG)

and then there’s the other lyrics that broke me like:

“One final shoulder”

“We’ll toast what could have been”

“When all of my plans have depended on you 

but at least tonight we still pretend 

hold each other close like it’s not the end 

and you can send me balloons 

and we can laugh at the doom

we both thought of that

doesn’t it say something too” 

and then of course, like everyone, I died on these lines:

“Every masterpiece I’d write again

you’ll always be my porcelain

I crossed my heart 

But I stuttered too

So truth or dare

Was I good to you

Haven’t had enough of you

All to myself

Still right beside you 

In sickness and health

For ever after

You will be my home

There’s no place like home”

So this bridge killed us. But “in sickness and health” because this was added I feel like this could have been Josh’s vows. 

and THEN I REALISED

“We never sent the cards

They’re all still on the table

Wanna throw them out

But I’m just not able”

Hey trenchers, know what the cards are? WEDDING FUCKING INVITATIONS

I’M DONE

FUCKING DEAD

DEAD

AND

DONE

 P.S I JUST READ THIS SOMEWHERE BUT “DEARLY DEPARTED” REFERENCES DEARLY BELOVED

I’M DEAD 

GOODBYE

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i just audibly laughed at work from this stupidity i fucking love this band

these nerds

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the voices within

I guess I’ ll close with this: Sometimes we have to do terrible things. And sometimes terrible things are done to us. Neither makes us bad people, but we can’t run forever. If you can’t believe in your own worth right this moment, find someone who does. They’ ll hold that knowledge safe for you till you’re ready to see it too. And when the darkness grabs you and you feel like you’ ll never, ever be free of it, know you have a chance and a choice every single day to look it in the eye and call it a liar. Some days, you can’t make that choice. But another day, maybe you can.