diywtyip

[diywtyip]

Gym today... bit of walking, bike, stairmaster, fly, dips. The coffee shop next door is open until like ten, which is cool, the people yearn for arab nightlife etc. I wrote a few hundred words more of 4 flights. The writing felt kind of crunchy and unnatural and bad, but that's what not doing it for months on end does to you, ig. Don't know if I went over my calories, my lunch was nibbling on random stuff at work... I probably went over but not like, catastrophically. so it goes.

[diywtyip]

worked out yesterday, bike and stairs and rowing, though not much of each. back on the diet wagon today and struggling more than expected. just generally feeling kind of bad today, the walk to work was really hard, even though it was kind of nice out. now I'm at work and struggling to stand up and do thing. I really feel like my mind is starving sometimes, like the engine is just burning dry and destroying itself.

[diywtyip]

i wish i could text my cat to check on him when I'm out but his whole illiterate thing really gets in the way

[diywtyip]

medieval knight raising the visor on his helm just so you can see him rolling his eyes

[diywtyip]

The heat is revolting... Well, more so the humidity. Feels like being in a sous vide. Makes the long walk habit I'm trying to build harder. Weighed myself at the store, was 201, which is less than I weighed at the hospital for my arm surgery, I think? Does mean I needed to calculate my tdee downwards. The change in eating hasn't been too terrible, though it's expensive and kind of relies on rigidly controlling your own food. By which I mean, parties are difficult, we had people over yesterday and I went over by some uncounted amount, I didn't even try to figure it up. Butter and oil having so many calories shocked me, and granola too --idk why it has a reputation as a health food, it's oats soaked in oil and sugar. Impatiently waiting on paycheck so I can join the gym. Also found walking to someplace is much easier than just walking... If there's a nice coffee at the end of it, I can motivate myself way more.

[diywtyip]

I'm... dieting, I guess. I'm rejoining a gym when I get paid again, until then I've just been. taking longish walks. 30-90 minutes is longish for me just now. partially i want to be able to fall without breaking my arm again, but I can't lie, I am more immediately motivated by not being able to find clothes, and having all my clothes rip at the thighs within a few months. I would LIKE to dress decently, I honestly hate the jeans and tshirts life, I feel like a child, but it's been what's affordable and what fits... but anyway dieting. calorie tracker app. fiber pills, which seem to be helping, or I want them to be helping, I don't know. beans, squash, eggs, cucumber salad, ranch made from seasoning packets and greek yogurt. greek yogurt is a real mainstay of the dieting scene, it seems. feel like it's going to be harder when work starts up again but we'll see. there's a lot of food at work obviously but making low cal choices is a whole thing. looking forward to gym... I wish I'd budgeted better so I could gym now, but the move + losing power to the kitchen for several days really kinda fucked my self control and I spent a brazilian dollars on takeout. I should weigh myself there but I'm kinda. :/. about that. hopefully I can hit an empty time where I can take some before pictures too, there's no big mirror in the new apartment.

[diywtyip]

Patch definitely not doing much. Maybe a little less hungry and scattered. Still very very irritable and tired. No improvement in mood. Disappointing. Try gum? Try two patches? God it's hard to live like this. Haven't tried to write on the patch yet, mb that will be good

[diywtyip]

you just know a woman is deeply haunted when she can’t even masturbate like that’s real true genuine anguish and hurt

[diywtyip]

Well, I definitely don't feel as together as I'd like, but how much of that is just life circumstances. I think my thoughts are less fragmented. I think I'm less hungry. I still feel tired and insanely frustrated by small things and I don't think it was any easier to start doing my daily Tasks. I'll try it for a few more days. If nothing improves maybe I'll try two. Fuck it. I'll grab the pulse ox thing, that tracks pulse rate, that's probably a smart thing to do.

[diywtyip]

testing out nicotine patches for adhd. since adderall is unavailable. got the 7mg patches, put one on outer leg. idk. we'll see. supposed to be two weeks of patches? that would be nice, if they work. I hope they do something, at least, address some symptom, I'm not in a good way here.

[diywtyip]

watched the vampire academy show, enjoyed it, willing to watch the rest. i like the changes made, honestly, I kinda like that there's just like, a series of whole ass vampire towns? idk how that works with like. feeding everybody. but. also the guy playing christian ozera is kind of average looking but with a really sweet smile. the christian/lissa thing is VERY corny and unconvincing but ehhhh. teenagers is corny.

I think they're doing a pretty good/interesting thing with the differences in moroi/dhampir society, I kind of like how they're so visually different. the dumb school uniforms are great. I think the worldbuilding of the dhampir thing is interesting, how they're... mules, kinda, how they can't exist without moroi, how it makes such a weird and unnatural social order, I like it. I think I'd like it more if moroi women could carry dhampir too, but eh. the changes to sonia are interesting, I think, and victor and his husband are sweet... I like Mason, I like mason-and-rose, I like that he very rightfully tells her she treats him like a convenience. the mia/guardian girl thing looks interesting.

went down to the little farmer's market today; got some knotweed honey. it's very dark. I like it better than the linden/basswood... or what I assume is linden/basswood, because of the mintiness. it's interesting. almost spicy? maybe I'll make some biscuits to go with

[diywtyip]

i have got to stop putting bandaids over my nips this really hurts actually

[diywtyip]

got new little perfume samples today; wish massey was interested in them, this sort of thing is fun to share. need more friends. need to check out the bike thing next monday. and the sca thing? there were sca people on the street this weekend, I talked to some of them. it wasn't even too horrifically awkward. neopagan upbringing shining through ig. i do think it would be fun to try archery. perfumes are packaged quite nicely. I think I'm going to like these; going to try fig wasp on my skin first. hmmmm. it is green but also kinda warm and almost sweaty but in a way I like? sunshiney... this smell feels strong, too, these are sprays rather than rollerballs, maybe more comes out? but wow, intense. making my cranky ass smile and sniff deep, though. maybe i'll wear it to work tomorrow... I do like this, warm sunshiney kinda sweaty, not super sweet or sharp.

[diywtyip]

I forgot that adderall helps me sleep, I feel like I could just lay down rn... it makes me less exhausted all the time but the clarity of thought helps with sleep, is what I mean. my brain isn't a bunch of useless sometimes-painful popup ads.

[diywtyip]

well. food and adderall has stitched closed most of the wound, though i can feel it suppurating underneath. i like this book, I'm going to finish it. The Honeys, summer camp horror with a genderfluid person as the narrator, also bees. I could write something with bees and honey, i think the tumblr book, i finished that, too. it was in many ways heavy handed issuefic but enjoyable? there were certainly moments that rang the bell inside me, that made me feel... longing and hope? characters telling each other, red or black, we're all communists here

[diywtyip]

god i miss adderall. i hope i can get the prescription refilled. if no place is going to take done anymore it'll be months before i can get any, if ever. i was even kinda enjoying the book i was reading. going to be a slob for a little bit and then i'll get up.

[diywtyip]

good day at work; started crashing and feeling self hating on the way home, which isn't unusual; came home to find part of the ceiling had fallen. not a large piece but. fallen. immediately fell apart myself

I had like five adderall left from when last I was able to get it filled, like two months ago; took two so I can clean the house some; was crying while trying to swallow them, they dissolved a little in my mouth, disgusting. turns out swallowable pills taste bad actually

how do you combat feelings of self hate when they're earned? like I feel like so much advice is about dealing with irrational thoughts but really mine aren't irrational, what do you do when the problem is that you are actually bad

"get gud" lmao I guess. the ntidote to despair is action blah blah blah I'm sick of both the problem and the solution

I don't want to live alone but sometimes I wish I did just because... I could be as disgusting as I am without having to try to hide it at all

probably i'll feel a little better once i've eaten. take my blood sugar. eat some food. start cleaning. massey will be home late today so i have time before i have to deal with her being disappointed in me