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“I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do next.”

“Sounds to me like you’re entering into a new season in your life.”

“Which one? Fall? ‘Cause it hurts.”

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“At that time Frodo was still in his tweens, as the hobbits called the irresponsible twenties between childhood and coming of age at thirty-three.”

— The Fellowship of the Ring, J. R. R. Tolkien

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Something ridiculous I typed in my sign out that I am cracking up about

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So, why do it then? Why choose to be good, every day, if there is no guaranteed reward we can count on, now or in the afterlife?

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this was a great read. “Laziness Does Not Exist” by Devon Price

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the accuracy! it must generate more revenue to burn through providers rather than invest in making the system one that they will stay for. though providers leaving seems to be a newer phenomenon.

I think a lot of creating change - as it is with all capitalism’s unholy creations - is to figure out how to hit them in the benjamins though. 

as an update, there have been slight changes for the better but I hardly think it was my doing. it was not NOT my doing either, though. ;) i am in a new location which faces the same struggles because yay healthcare system but i’d like to think i left my last place a little better. bonus: that feeling of solidarity with my colleagues was validating.

i have a strongly worded email in my drafts to send to my work in order to advocate for safe staffing and I’m oddly nervous about sending it but more for “shit is this too long will my colleagues think I’m dramatic” reasons than “lose my job” reasons although probs a little the latter too

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haha yes. horrid goblins unite. all the hero talk floating about makes me think i really ought to be embracing the villain origin story

My life has been so much better ever since I traded my impostor syndrome to brilliant conman -syndrome. Do I deserve anything in life? Fuck no! Will I grasp it anyway? Fuck yes!

 My art has never been worth shit, but watch me bullshit my way into art school! I am a horrid goblin, but watch me make these people like me! Am I qualified to do this task? Well I sure have the certificates that say that I am! And how did I get those? Who knows! Not me! I am so good at cheating, I don’t have to break a single rule to do it!

 I am brilliant, fast, and absolutely drunk with power!

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Con: I have to be here all week

Pro: That good, good continuity feeling when you can say to someone “hey I got you, I know you, I’m here all week”

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no official replies. i got one text agreeing with me. i got another colleague who called also agreeing with me but stating he was contacted by one program director stating there was “no way” that administration would hire more providers. i have a missed call from another program director who wants to talk to me who said he’d call me back but hasn’t yet. but from the frustrations that are vented to me, i know everyone (including program directors) feels the same.

honestly, this is something i can just survive. i can keep my head down and grind and my contract will be up soon. but i’m not doing this just for me. this isn’t how medicine is supposed to be. staff and patients don’t deserve this. this is an effort to work within the system to see how i can improve conditions. & i will keep pushing for change.

i have a strongly worded email in my drafts to send to my work in order to advocate for safe staffing and I’m oddly nervous about sending it but more for “shit is this too long will my colleagues think I’m dramatic” reasons than “lose my job” reasons although probs a little the latter too

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sent. 😳

i have a strongly worded email in my drafts to send to my work in order to advocate for safe staffing and I’m oddly nervous about sending it but more for “shit is this too long will my colleagues think I’m dramatic” reasons than “lose my job” reasons although probs a little the latter too

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i have a strongly worded email in my drafts to send to my work in order to advocate for safe staffing and I’m oddly nervous about sending it but more for “shit is this too long will my colleagues think I’m dramatic” reasons than “lose my job” reasons although probs a little the latter too

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Okay, headspace, but you clearly haven’t heard of medicine and medical education...

Jokes aside, this concept is something I struggle with. I like to think I’m doing better. 

I have to remind myself that I can contain multitudes. I am worthy as everyone human is of being more than one thing. It’s all one life. I’ve got this one life.  

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Honestly, the kind of mental status exam I’m all about

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everyone asking who is hospitalist, no one asking how is hospitalist 😢

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5.

“Course not progressing as expected.”

-Something an attending in residency used to frame diagnosing around. A patient’s course will either progress as expected or not progress as expected. I know it seems obvious but picking up on when a course (or any problem on your problem list) is not progressing as expected can help you catch a diagnosis.

clutching my clinical pearls! (a collection of overheard wisdom from the mayhem of medicine)

1.

“Practice is personal, results are not.”

- Stated during my hospital orientation and honestly should be emphasized to all trainees (and others!) who get hard on themselves about outcomes 

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there’s nothing heroic about burnout. there’s nothing heroic about not sleeping, or forgetting to eat because you’re so focused on wanting to help someone.

save the world, but the world includes you.