doggirldisaster

[doggirldisaster]

Had to say goodbye to my ex for one last time.

I went over to her house knowing I likely wouldn’t see her again after this. I loaded my car up with everything that I could have that be hers, and a little note and a present.

As I drove over, I blared our song, tears filling my eyes making it look like the roads were melting ahead of me. I knew this would be the last time I would hear it on my own valuation.

I arrive, feigning stocisim, this is just supposed to be a drop off after all. No longer than 5 minutes. Plus- I’m running late for class. I text her on my arrival.

She peers her head out the door, and as soon as she notices my car, gleams with a smile, prances down her steps to greet me.

Her beauty hasn’t changed one bit. Her smile still staying pure. She ushers me out of the car, where I can’t contain myself longer. I have to say goodbye forever to her??

I immedialty start bawling my eyes out. It hurts so much. I thought I got over her but I really didn’t. Hearing her voice, smelling her scent again. I couldn’t do anything but be a blithering mess. Her smile turns into a face of concern.

Hey hey you’re okay- do you wanna come indoors?

We hobble indoors, I’m holding her hand again. Haven’t done this in a while.

Y’know I’m proud of you- you’ve come so far, only a year ago- you would still hide behind a hoodie refusing to accept yourself. I’m glad I could push you forward

With a smile she looked at me and pet me on the head.

Y’know you’ve improved alot too. You deserve some credit too.

The waterworks stalled. I remembered I had my gift in my car and some onesies she left behind. I’d figure I’d give her them again. Seeing as she liked them.

She refused to take them back. Saying she still had the ones I left behind, and that I should keep hers for keepsake. I gave her my gift and love not she pocketed.

We embraced and hugged. I wasn’t ready to leave, and I don’t think she was ready for me to leave neither. We just chose to be with eachother for as long as we could.

We updated eachother on our own situations, with her being very happy about my roommate situation being sorted. Then, we spoke about plans for the future, what we wanted, especially with her plans, government work with the Trump admin gushed a lot of her plans evidently. Then Pokémon cards and robot girls, and Yuri and… it just felt like I had her again, just really quick- I had the woman I loved dearly. Nothing but her mattered again. Her blue eyes glistened in the spring’s sun. 5 minutes turned to 10, turned to 30 turned to an hour. But at this point I had to get going. Idle on the steps I tell her I needed to go. With her hands in my she looks like me as she did all the times before.

Hey love you

I received a kiss on the forehead. Then I put my hand on her shoulder and landed a peck on her nose

Love you too

Then I close my car door and drive off.

May fate bring us back together again. I don’t think I’ll find someone as special as her.

[doggirldisaster]

Nah but the only people who I want to not interact with are upper middle class white queers who instead of paying attention to genuine real world issues play a purity game so see who’se more righteous. Genuinely the most insufferable types.

i really think this tweet is onto something

[doggirldisaster]

I’m kinda broke. My computer on its last legs, I looked to see if there’s anything I could buy. Well.. it’s on sale, but 2000$ is a hell of a lot of money, multiple months worth rent. My mom who I’m visiting cracked a joke- “maybe you should sell your body for it”.

My heart stopped and face shattered, she didn’t realize what she’d said wrong until I was curled on the floor hyperventilating.

I’m sorry that joke wasn’t appropriate you don’t need to do that.

I’m still curled in a ball ready to throw up. How am I supposed to explain to my mom I was being trafficked???

Especially with everything - how do I break it to her that her little girl was being used like that. I know if I were a parent I would breakdown if I were in that situation.

I meekly uttered-

I don’t wanna go back…

And with that I think she noticed everything that was wrong. I confessed everything. She didn’t care. She understood it all. No anger, no fear, she just reassured me as I cried and told her all my scary stories.

It’s ok you’re out now.

She did say she was worried about me though. She told me to never be careful with who I stay by. But … yeah. I am. I’m out a different person. I metamorphoized. Seriously won’t happen again.

[doggirldisaster]

Been havin’ the thought to go get a tboy pregnant or something real quick then make a marriage out of it so I could be a mom, and have a husband. But they’re gonna neuter puppy smh.

[doggirldisaster]

Called my dad today.

Not usually one to do this. I feel like I’ve spoken about him at length already. Not much I can add that hasn’t been said. Have I? I don’t know.

I’ve been trying to reconnect. Christmas wasn’t so bad, sure I’m still his son, but I think he regrets the abuse.

But still i just feel like he’s so far from me emotionally. I needed a father figure, and I didn’t really have one given how absent he was.

I really need a father in my life. Dad’s been as wavery as he has for a while that I’m unsure he’ll ever really be what I need. I need someone strong to be there for me when I’m scared, someone talk to and help me guide through romance. I need someone who can tell me practical skills, but most importantly I need someone to call “Dad”.

So I mean I could look elsewhere. After all, dad kicked me out before, he already disowned me, don’t know why I’m trying so hard to get him back. There’s other men his age I could find right? But then again… I’m just thinking about my clients I had. A lot of them were his age. Calling them daddy felt off while they were doing… that. To me. Sure I was being spoiled by these guys, but- it’s still abuse, in arguably a worse way. Plus. They weren’t dadly at all.

So at this point I don’t know how to find a father figure. My best shot I think is to rekindle with my own father as icy as it is… or maybe find someone who loves me for me, like a dad would his daughter.

I just wish he said I love you back.

[doggirldisaster]

I’m getting older- and that scares me.

Oh sure I can say to my self “oh well covid skipped 2 years for me so I’m 20” all I want, which I mean, I did do absolutely nothing then, but it still ticks up my age.

I kinda miss being naive and oblivious to how the wolrd works. I’ve seen to much to be considered pure anymore and that sucks.

I’m starting to age out of being cute. You’re cute when you’re young but when the social conditioning expects you to grow up- even when I’m still not fully grown into my own body and mind just yet- but you’re expected to act your age.

I’m seeing physical changes with me too. No greys yet, but my skin isn’t as smooth as it used to be, and maybe it’s trauma, but there’s a undeniable jaded look in my eyes, forged through trauma.

I guess at the end of the day, more than my own mortality- I fear more for my desirability. People only really like cute when it’s on someone who looks cute.

[doggirldisaster]

Mao was right.

Landlords must die.

It feels to me a lot like streaming services in a sense. More than anything it should feel like a convenience. Not an obligation. The price of physical media has gone up significantly since the advent of streaming. Products like Netflix and Xbox live are on paper cheaper than the alternative of buying a new physical copy of the game or like a new DVD. Not to mention, companies gain more for renewed purchases, so they’d phasing them out.

What started as a convenience is now the only legal option. And when push is to shove, Legality goes out the window.

Shame not much can be done for houses.

Writing this drunk at the bar after getting a my new landlord gave me a notice.

[doggirldisaster]

Sex.

It’s strange no? After being groomed and trafficked I kinda thought I’d hate it forever. The concept and idea tainted by the hands of some really unpleasant men, mixed altogether with an unhealthy understanding of it from your “peers”. The vivid visions of the faces of the men I’ve had, have been haunting me. They’re all so distinctive, yet every man I’ve seen feels the same. Doll myself up, Clean myself out, and do what needs to be done. Then they leave. Aftercare isn’t something even thought of. Maybe execpt them telling me they feel bad cheating on their wives. But besides that, I’m left lying down regretting everything I’ve done, with no one voice my qualms to.

Yesterday a freind of mine, who I engage in my sadism with - likely an outlet of my fears, has asked me if mayhaps, she could try domineering in bed. This would be her first time, and she said she’d been wanting to try for a while. Given as close as I am with her as a person, and how much trust we have with eachother sexually, I felt like I would be comfortable trying something I vowed off doing again.

So I go, make myself pretty, and clean myself out. The former she helped with, and the latter… Well, given I had thought I’d never do this again, took a lot longer than usual. But while doing it I started to remember what the routine was like. The sensations I’d feel. The men would have no regard for my whims and wants. Couldn’t help but feel as if I were seeing yet another client. Maybe I was just feeling lightheaded from cleaning myself out too much. Who knows.

After taking a minute to catch myself, and concern from her, I composed myself and ran same old routine I’d put on for my clientele. A cutesy, ditzy, somewhat bratty girl in her Jammies looking at whoever with sultry eyes. Perfect prey for a grown man to take as his keep. She seemed a bit confused by my shift in mood. Old habits die hard I suppose.

After enough foreplay it was time for her to fuck. It hurt. As per usual. For a former prostitute, you’d think I’d be looser. I began to zone out, enduring the pain, while wailing out small high pitched moans, which I knew the creeps who liked young girls fancied. It’s what knew what to do. I was doing her a favour. She wanted to try to top, and I make a good bottom. But then she stopped. I think she could tell something was up with me. It’s like I was acting. Which I was. She sat me up and asked me if I was enjoying myself.

No.

We took 5. I mean, I know she was looking forward to this, and I wanted this too, but I was just a bit traumatized from, my past and history. She told me with a smile and a kiss on the nose, that we should go at a pace that I would be happy with, and that she’s glad I could be honest with her. For someone who I can be extremely intense with, I’m glad she could be so gentle with me.

Hard Domme. Soft Bottom, Hard Sub, Soft Domme. Things work out pretty well.

So we try it back up. I give up my act. She seems relived. We try a less painful position. I ask for her to be gentle. With a soft smile, she slowly gets herself back in. I smile back. It’s nice. I feel at ease.

I’ll spare the details, I’m no good at writing smut- but by the end, 90 minutes later, I was enthusiastic! I wanted to keep going. I’m not sure if it was because I was in a position I liked, or that the person I was having sex with was a freind who cared and values me, outside of just being a thing to fuck, or maybe it’s the way she made me feel at ease, hearing out my anxieties while 7 inches inside me, consoling me and making me feel like a worthwhile person.

After, I cozied up into her bosom, and she held me tightly, and I thanked her. I thanked her for being patinent with me, I thanked her for helping me feel less insecure about myself, but most of all, I thanked her for helping me no longer bemoan sex. I also thanked her for aftercare, given after most times before, I was just left behind. She lifted my head from her chest, and gave me a smile.

“My pleasure.”

When you’re doing it with someone you feel safe with. It’s doesn’t feel bad. Go figure.

[doggirldisaster]

Valentines is a really painful day. It’s kinda a cruel thing that it happens in mid February, typically my low point in a year.

I come to find the cycle I have really irritating, for the first few times I thought “oh maybe I’m unlucky”. But as time marches on, and I get older, more and more it feels like an inevitability. The pattern is, In Late February/Early March I meet someone, and then some odd 6-10 months later it just ends. It’s really sad.

I mourned the loss of a girl I held close today. Not that she’s dead, but doomed Yuri happens.

So yeah, maybe I don’t have anyone right now. But it’s been a trend for me that I find someone again, around this time of year. So maybe there’s hope.

But… then, there’s a good chance I’ll probably split with said someone at the end of the year.

And that scares me more than being alone.

[doggirldisaster]

Last night I head to a party hesitantly, I get picked up by my freind. I told her I wasn’t feeling confident at all about it. After all, I was a random plus one, for a group she was a plus one for. How well could it go?

To preface, I was lying around in bed all day, dreading it. I really wanted to decline the offer.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t eat since Thursday. Maybe it’s because I missed my drugs.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been really lonely.

But really didn’t wanna go.

With enough self talk, I buckled down, focused- got bathed, did exorbant amounts of make up. And put on a cutesy oufit. I looked for a skirt for about 40 minutes before giving up and wearing pants. I realized hey, maybe I should at least TRY to socialize.

It’s held in the middle of the woods, the drive was long, and it was dark out. It was quiet, usually we’re talkative in the rides but… not tonight.

We finally make it, realizing we can just open the door, everyone’s made it before me- a room of call it 15 transfems? The hostess shows gives everyone a brief introduciton to me and my friend, and gives us a seat. Cool crowd I’d say, but they all seem to be freinds. I don’t really wanna be in their way right? People scare me.

I’m looking down, shyly, holding my freind’s robe. She’s alot prettier than me, but, well she’s pretty compared to anyone. A girl with blonde hair and bangs approaches us, she’s eager to try to engage. We get offered some booze. And with that hey maybe I’ll do better right? Maybe the bad thoughts’ll go away. I swig back the bottle of soju. There’s a girl already passed out. Maybe I’ll be next.

So whatever, I’m clearly a very timid shy girl, people dug my vibe enough. I’m hardly sober so I can’t recount much, besides me and a girl going to the bathroom together to… Well I’ll say I was kissed a lot, guess putting the extra time to make myself cute was worth it. Trans girls love a puppy right?

Anyway heading back from the bathroom, the girl passed out from earlier comes over to talk. The soju’s is really hitting me at this point. She like everyone else, begins petting me. It’s real nice. Then she pulls out a clicker. Oh boy.

For the next… 3 hours, I am made into this woman’s pet. A professional hypnotist. My brain slowly begins to unfurl, I can’t think of anything, besides snapping back when something piques my intrest. Then I go right back in to this sublime state of no anxieties. Apparently, my freind was REALLY drunk and was telling people about how helpful I was to her lately and how much cute she thinks I am.

Good times don’t last forever, plus the booze’s worn out. The girl pulled me back to normalcy, and then we ate. Most people have left by now. She told me she was pleased that I was as content as I was. I smile and thank her. It was nice. She’s taken a fancy to my friend; who’s face first on the floor, laughing maniacally at… I have zero idea.

As the party unwinds, my friend, still drunk, confesses a lot, she’s blessed to have someone like me who genuinely cares about her, and hates that I’m so cruel to myself. She’s moved to tears. I make sure her black makeup doesn’t smear on my clothes, as I hold her in my chest.

It’s bed time. Me, my friend and the hypno girl all share a bed. We help eachother undress and get in the sheets, and go to bed. Even though I was woken up by snoring a few times, I had a really soothing rest. Being held was a plus.

The next morning, we’ve realized we’ve slept in way late. Meeting everyone in the morning everyone was really happy I was there. I was given a few contacts and they’d love to speak with me again.

Maybe people aren’t as scary as I think?

[doggirldisaster]

even with everything coming up roses- with the Caviat of my ex-roommate scheming plans to enact vengeance, I stil kinda… feel lost. Unloved.

I’m a bit out of the loop, and don’t feel like I have anyone who can save me when I need help. I just want to feel safe and know my freinds like me.

I’m just scared.

[doggirldisaster]

Aspotted from the dining hall at IKEA I note a group of people, with striking hair colours, all holden to some Blahaj. I spot them as on of my own, eager- i tell my roommate- “look! Queers!”

“It’s not polite to stare- maybe you should point at them and say it louder!”

I know I’m being teased, I pout, she laughs, we pack away our lunches and we head to the store. She beckons me over to the Blåhaj pit. Quickly I hop in- play around in it for a moment and grab a freind to walk through the store with.

Not before long, we bump into the group from before, they see my shark, I see theirs, instantly we’re able to know what we are. We wave exactly and exclaim! “Shark!” Before we go along our merry ways.

We make it to the end of the store, nothing in hand, begrudgingly, the item she wanted wasn’t in stock.

“Umm… I.. may have lost my mitt, can we go look for it?”

Because of course that happens. I’m a ditz. She looks at me a little annoyed

“Alright, we’ll search the entire store, we just got to retrace our steps”

And so we do, I check the shark pit I was playing in, the bowls I was admiring, the kiddie lamps I was testing out. No dice. We decided to cut our loses and try to ask lost and found.

And suddenly, we walk back into that same group from earlier. I see them up close and personal. I wanna say hi! My mind’s racing, I see the collars that some of them have on. I pause- my mind draws a blank. So I bark!

One of them barks back. I realized I just barked at someone in an ikea and scurry off- embarrassed like. My roommate laughs.

“Ahh what was that! You just went up to their faces and barked at them? Jeez you’re awkward- That was real funny, though. I’m not gonna let you live it down Never change kiddo.”

I stammer out an incoherence while walking to the lost and found. “I-I just d,,didn’t know what to say!!! Plus she responded in kind! You saw that right? A-and! I’m older than you so don’t patronize me!”

She gives me a smirk and we look at the lost and found. No dice whatsoever. Duh. Makes sense. We agree to cut our losses. Not like I don’t have spare mitts anyway. Shame- I just found them again the other day.

We make it to the checkout empty handed, and down a mitt. As we consider our options once we get through, no suprise who shows up but the other transfem group.

I slink back behind my roommate. I’m a good bit shorter than she is. I realize I embarrassed myself earlier and don’t wanna make another mess. She looks back at me and holds my hand and smiles.

“Y’know, if you want to say hi, you can you know that right? Do you want me to help? Want me to compliment their collars for you?”

“y..yeah”

She seems taken it back a little

“Hey I mean you’re the one who wants to go say hi, I’m not doin this for you kiddo. I’ll be with you though.”

This IS in their earshot, so they sorta take notice, and oh great they’re here. I kinda freeze on the spot, and look down at the floor. My roommate nudges me “c‘mon use your words”

“Use your words pup” says the girl I’m trying to speak to. Oh great my first impression and this is what’s happening. “I,,, like your collar..” with praise from all parties, and still thinking about the mitt, I ask them.. “have any of you bychance seen a mitt? We’ve been looking around for it for a while now”. One of the girls chimes - “oh it’s yours? I was wondering who lost their pretty pink mitts! I found it and put it by the lamps!”

Wow! Isn’t that nice, my roommate goes back in to grab my mitt, while I’m surrounded by a group of a half dozen transfems I socialize with for a bit. We exchange contact info- and when my roommate returns, we leave them and I save goodbye.

“Y’know as funny as you are i’m glad you were able to talk to them. You did good- proud of you.”

Moral of the story, being a weird shy girl helps me meet cool people!

[doggirldisaster]

Straight people have sex.

I fuck, and make love.

The three are ALL different- Observe:

Having sex: Boring PiV- or penetration, no fun, just stuff normal people do.

Fucking: Gutteral animalistic desires, engaging for a hedonistic pleasure- I’m doing stuff like ravaging a girl’s body with bites so hard that they cause her to bleed, Growling in her ears while asphyxiating her.

Making love: Cozying up with a woman I love dearly, snuggling holding and slowly and passionately kissing, gently touching our bodies together, and getting butterflies when we look at eachother’s eyes.

I’m DONE with having sex. It’s boring. I don’t have fun with it, and I’m tired like pretending I do.

Oh also I can’t make love to and fuck the same person. I fuck freinds, I make love to partners- I think.

Y’all get what I’m putting down right?

[doggirldisaster]

My abuser finally left my house.

My roommate, who I’ve complained about before on this account, was a unique horrible person. I would hide away in my room, avoidant to her, hesitant to ever return home, to avoid being around her. The abuse would come in all ways imaginable, it’d look like her threatening to evict me. It’d look like violence. It’d look like financial extortion for rent. it’d look like her telling me she loved me, despite all the ways I was treated. My existence at home infuriated her. I could feel it, and I couldn’t speak out against what was being done to me, because everyone took her side. She has ways with words, weaving webs of lies to down people and to raise her self. People’ve told me that if they were in my shoes, they don’t know long they’d last before they’d go mad. I’m suprised I didn’t. For as long as I lived with her, I felt like I was walking on eggshells.

But she’s gone. I can breathe now. I’m finally home.

I’ve never been so happy to be alive :)

[doggirldisaster]

I love Bush! I love Musk!

Not the men though.

[doggirldisaster]

In me there are two wolves.

One wants to live in the wilderness in a small community and gather berries.

The other wants to be a ketameangirl who parties and gets passed around like a blunt.

I however am unfortunately a normal girl who is made to work a 9-5.

[doggirldisaster]

Sometimes I see the parts of the woman I’m growing in to and I’m scared. I see myself growing more bit more callous, bitter. I see parts of my mom and dad that I don’t like in my own self. My cute laugh is begging to fade as gradually live longer and longer.

I’m not as cute as I was when I was small. And don’t know what else to be. I’m scared, I’m tired and alone.