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[donekindonut]

[donekindonut]

Is life worth living

it is. it is worth to find and recreate meaning.

[donekindonut]

A guy touched me in Wash square park n I threatened him. I felt sad

[donekindonut]

Clarice Lispector, from "Too Much of Life Complete Chronicles," publ. in 2022

[donekindonut]

Akira Rabelais

[donekindonut]

This place is like somebody’s memory of a town, and the memory is fading. It’s like there was never anything here but jungle.

[donekindonut]

Ketamine

Is it really what you need

Call me a hypocrite because of what I did

I know what it is

Never anything I needed or missed

Ketamine it will fix

whatever it is you needed to fix

find whatever empathy you had lacked

find whatever mind you needed to find

im going on a night drive

gonna find some peace of mind

play around and find a tune

dance around til I spin it in loops

fall back into bed

tie a knot wrap it in a red thread

under my tongue

I will keep it well fed

Remember

Ketamine at the tip of your nose

laying in your kitchen

a blade ready to go

did you really want to do it

Or needed me to stay complacent

[donekindonut]

sit in the back of a friend of a friends car

can’t really think

Slept in the seats

night before

really should’ve just been a sweet whore

a good memory

I’ve found in a cemetery

[donekindonut]

I like it

If I didn’t I wouldn’t have done it

I enjoy this feeling

I asked for it

Right

Let’s keep playing back and forth

Say you’ll pray for me

And I’ll light a candle for you

Let’s strike the chord for real this time

Let the bells rings

Tooth and nail

Show who you’ve been hiding

[donekindonut]

I figured it out

what it is I feel

I feel like I dont belong

I tried to go out again

I tried again

trying takes so much effort

I swear it does, it looks easy coming from me

but god I was shaking

nightmares of getting hit

waking up screaming

waking up to my nails pressed into my palms

looking over my shoulder

fear and hurt

I sort of worked through it

I made new friends

had a new job

was going to college

and like a black hole

I didn't know better at first

excitement and passion

I loved music

I loved dancing

I thought for once

maybe things are working out

head first into everything

nothing to hold me together

one after the other

I watched others like sheep

fall into silly shit

post on insta post on TikTok

take a flick of me

he does ketamine

he was addicted to klonopin at one point too

begging me to stay

saying things he promised to never do

dress up for me he'd say

the greatest performance and Id say just be straightforward

if you were like the rest of them say so

you dont need to convince me to make it hurt even more

make me feel like im home when in reality I have always been an outsider I have always been outside always been alone

always calling first always texting first

and god do I always feel alone

god do I always feel alone

push me to more self deprecation

push me to more self hatred with the shit you said you needed of me

how I was your family

I did so much

and maybe it ia karma maybe in some fucked up way im learning different things in different ways

but I genuinely just wanted a fucing break and live normally

I wanted to feel accepted

I wanted to talk endlessly

I wanted to be heard and seen

felt like a fucking movie that you'd say you'd watch but just read the descriptions and I never deserved that

I didn't need to take care of you I didn't need to do shit

I didn't have to break down my shell and be nice

you did that to have a weird control over me and pretend to be something you never were

and just like that you revert

shameless

and here we are again

why can't I just be

I feel like the time I moved back to nyc and how I walked around Central Park crying

leaving homelessness and suddenly back into the heart of it all

a family again

and how alone and broken I was

smiling faces

groups of people

life

when it felt like my own was stagnant how it just abruptly stopped

from the day I tried to take my own life

to today

and every other day on

I am always going to be

by myself

and I dont want to be

and I dont want to

and I dont want it

I just can't give anymore

I just cant keep trying

I hate how everything is a weird facade

and I wish I could be that way too

a mask a facade whatever the fuck

I am just an open fucking wound

[donekindonut]

looking for something shiny and new

something lewd to screw

had me genuinely confused

but it’s okay i finally came round

nothing to put me down

I look past my shoulder and I remember I had told her

A face to block

like minutes to a clock

Just another boring self absorbed cock

[donekindonut]

to nothing you shall return

There will be nothing to earn

When you haven’t learned

Prove to no one

You are now done

Count your blessings

There isn’t anyone left for confessions

Hung up and dried

Go on with your lies

for it and you dies

Slip through your fingers

Bet you’d hope to find that singer

Down the gutter and that will be the slinger

For now and then it’ll be carried on top of your head

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just hope you find the trigger, understand the displeasure

Lies you can’t measure, I was the treasure

Unable to love, So there will be no white dove

[donekindonut]

wrapped around my leg

I play with her wishing it’d be the reason I’d be dead

another piece to a collection

yearning for some hard earned affection

a blade to my face

A pointy end to trace

press down on my tongue

Ripping off my lace

playing with pretty pink

the ceiling never looked so interesting

In my mind it’s images I’m configuring

Days gone by just daydreaming

[donekindonut]

choked up

I force it out

throwing it up

over and over again

fighting with shadows

there and then gone

any doubt I’ve had

you’re creeping crawling from underneath

laugh in my face

tell me this was how it’s always been

Rubbing salt in the wound

Another

[donekindonut]

so sleepy and foggy

I love sleeping

I love dreaming

I love not being awake

I love not being awake

[donekindonut]

I have a soul in my body and I’m getting to know her