donkeyman - Tumblr blog

[donkeyman]

You don’t have to be a good person. Just be a person who does good things.

[donkeyman]

Baby Names

BOYS

Alden

Emory

Soren/sen

Renato

Arjun

Hiro

GIRLS

Althena

Cathari

Celes

Rem

[donkeyman]

Knowledge is Power

If I began nursing practice as a bedside nurse and utilized my clinical nurse leader role, within a couple years, I could have a six-figure salary. However, I’m choosing the poor man’s route and pursuing nursing academia. I find knowledge, self-discovery, and a larger provision of care more important than money. 

[donkeyman]

The nurse plays multiple roles, not just at the bedside. I am no less a nurse because I choose to specialize in research. Why do most clinicians view the path of the nurse so linearly.

[donkeyman]

State of Mind

I’m not entirely sure where my head is at. A part of me still feels like the walking dead, feeling a strange mixture between melancholy, numbness, and ambivalence most of the time. I’m not sure how to keep moving forward anymore. Indeed, it’s been two years, and yet, my heart is still broken. I still love him, or at least the thoughts of our shared past. Since I was young, finding true love was my dream above anything else, to find someone who accepts me whole-heartedly and to hold my hand through the darkness that I constantly wade through. Falling in love for the first time saved me. However, it was not perfect. We were both still young and learning. But now without it and him, I’m in constant withdrawal. I don’t feel like I have anything to live for. I can’t explain it, but “love” was the last defense against my deepening depression. Throughout my life, I managed to overcome any hurdle and see the silver lining with the hopes of a happily ever after. I found love and lost it. And now, I’m lost without purpose or direction. I’ve kept my mind preoccupied with pursuing my penultimate goal of becoming a healthcare historian and found great success. However, now, my academic career is spiraling out of control, and I don’t know how much more of the pressure I can handle nor the fraudulent ideas in my head thinking that I’m actually succeeding in life. I want this pain to end. I just want to be happy. I’ve been proactive with my psychiatric mental health appointments and changed my drug regimen. I’m currently in the process of undergoing TMS therapy. I want to fast forward to 4 years from now when I’ve finally finished my PhD. I want to know that I’ll be happy in the future and that there is something there at the end. I want to know that I’m not damaged. I want my idea of finding love to begin with loving myself. I’m tired of feeling like a shadow of my self. 

[donkeyman]

He came. He left. Nothing else had changed. I had not changed. The world hadn't changed. Yet nothing would be the same. All that remains is dreammaking and strange remembrance.

[donkeyman]

Am I so broken-hearted that I can no longer feel or is it these drugs belying this numbness?

[donkeyman]

Some days are too hard to bare alone. 

[donkeyman]

Despite the deception of my attire, the color from my life has disappeared.

[donkeyman]

I can only speak for myself, but since everything ended, I have felt like half a person. I am traumatized by the abruptness of how fast you disappeared out of my life, and I am sad from the amount of pain I inflicted upon you. I wish I could just forget everything, but I am still haunted by your ghost. There has not been a day you have not crossed my mind—not as my boyfriend, but as my best friend. I just cannot fathom this loss. In my mind, it is as if you are dead, but in actuality you are actually not too far off. Walking from my car and passing by your apartment to the nursing school chipped away at my heart. This past year, I have channeled all of this negative energy into something positive by working ten times harder to get my PhD to create positive change and put back more love in the world. This was the semester I reaped the rewards, but nothing I did felt praise worthy. I feel numb. All my efforts feel like they are in vain. I guess I was so accustomed to sharing all of my good news with you, it just did not seem right to celebrate. I just cannot manage not talking to you after talking every day for three years. I suppose that is why I reached out to you at the end of this semester to check up on you: I miss you terribly. I understand if you no longer want to associate with me; I do not blame you. I went through this past year reinforcing the idea that you no longer cared about me and finding some reason to vilify myself for this pain that I deserve. I do not want to force a friendship upon you that you no longer value or would like to forget. Although I hold you very dear to my heart, I feel like I am slowly burning out and my mental health is deteriorating, and I do not know if I can continue like this. Neither my coping mechanisms or meds seem to help. I want to say that I am so proud of you for graduating, and I wish you the most happiness life can offer you.

[donkeyman]

To reaffirm the pathway I’ve taken, I told myself that getting a PhD in nursing is a way to channel my love into the world. 

[donkeyman]

Scholar > Hipster

[donkeyman]

[donkeyman]

[donkeyman]

I’d like to believe that the amount of love I put into the world will result in a love worth living for.

[donkeyman]

We are who we are in part because of what we've lost.

[donkeyman]

Your silence leaves room for interpretation. We’ve become what I feared: strangers. I have already come to the conclusion that you no longer care about me nor want to be around me. And I remind myself over and over again this subjection, yet you poison my every thought.