dontemulateme

[dontemulateme]

i hate that BPD gives me such a lack of emotional permanence.

you can spend hours describing the ways in which you care about me, yet the moment you stop my brain will immediately decide you hate me and are destined to leave me.

[dontemulateme]

It's amazing how easy it is to hate someone if it means you don't have to love yourself

[dontemulateme]

"you can go back to the past, but nobody will be there" is echoing in my head on repeat

[dontemulateme]

in all seriousness it's very alienating knowing theres Something Wrong With You. like seeing your mental illness come through in your behaviour and thought processes and knowing it's irrational and unhealthy, knowing other people are reading you as weird or stupid, and not being able to do anything about it is such a lonely experience

[dontemulateme]

when you think about it it's just kind of crazy how you can be neglected and abused your whole childhood instead of experiencing a brief moment of being taken care of while learning how to be a person, and then once you're an adult it's like ok now i'm still essentially raising myself in a shitty situation but this time my adult peers are like mad at me because i'm not as emotionally healthy as them, and on top of that i still have to save my own life

[dontemulateme]

I wonder if it's almost easier to wallow about having "ruined it" than to actually hold those feelings

[dontemulateme]

There are so many horrible things that I probably did in the past few years that I have no memory of. Something to cause someone I hurt to say that the consequences of my actions should be far worse than they have been. I have no authority to oppose this. That was revoked a long time ago.

[dontemulateme]

If I forgive myself, does that mean I'm letting myself off the hook? I don't want to do that

[dontemulateme]

the thing is, if your younger self was a bigot or an abuser, u can't make people forgive you. but you still gotta forgive yourself, like that's non-negotiable, dude. that happens before u can even ask the question of earning forgiveness from anyone lese

[dontemulateme]

Has anyone's abandonment issues made them hold onto a group of people so much due to a fear of loneliness that you end up hurting them

[dontemulateme]

[dontemulateme]

[dontemulateme]

Maybe I should get my tongue removed

[dontemulateme]

me pretending my enormous feelings arent crushing me to death and carrying out routine tasks that are good for my health and longevity

[dontemulateme]

I am broken.

[dontemulateme]

ok google how do i propose deeper friendship and intimacy to my mutuals without feeling like a pervert predator

[dontemulateme]

sorry for acting batshit crazy I was feeling a little unwanted