dontlookoutside

[dontlookoutside]

Did I Reach You?

6/19/2025 ✎𓂃 I write often, whether it be in my journal, physical letters, emails (also considered letters) to a dear friend, this blog, or essays.

A lot of essays.

But most important to me are the words I share with my friends. Texting is convenient, but I quite honestly loathe it. I can't reply quickly. Well, I can... but I don't... I receive texts, often glad to see them sent by my friends, but I struggle to bring myself to open them, let alone reply.

But when I receive letters or emails, I almost instantly begin writing back. There's this inexplicable rush that I get. It's pure happiness... excitement. At times I begin writing despite having not received a reply yet... but I don't send those most of the time. So, I write and write and write, to an extent at which I don't know if I'm saying anything of substance... but it's so fun.

To decide the fountain pen, ink, tape, paper, and envelope I'll use... And with emails, the stories I will tell, the secrets I'll reveal, the pictures I'll share, and the breadcrumbs I'll leave...

It's a blessing to share these words over time, rather than send them in an instant. But I just spent a lot of money on ink and tape.

[dontlookoutside]

Plush Hunt

6/14/2025 𓆩𓆪 I'll go into London in a few days and hunt for a very special someone: the Jellycat "Malachy Dragon."

I've never been a particularly huge fan of Jellycats (of course I still have multiple), but the design of this dragon is perfect. There is something magical about finding the exact thing you want in-person; like it was placed on the Earth, right there, right then, just for you. Besides, it's easier to find Jellycats in the city.

I often feel immature for still seeking out plushies. I know it is growing more common among older demographics lately... but is that a good thing? I'm not so sure... I believe it's okay to have immature interests, so long as you maintain the life of a functioning adult. But aren't we regressing somehow?

I don't know. I will know when it's time to stop... but for the time being, I'll be stuck with stuffed animals.

If I am able to find Malachy Dragon, I'll name it "Mei."

[dontlookoutside]

I'll Do Anything

6/7/2025 ⌖ I will, just to get rid of this feeling.

It's an insignificant blip in time. These words and feelings will amount to nothing very soon. You will soon become lost media. All is lost in the end, and so I will forget about the end and look into the now: the premonition to the end.

Nothing matters, and I therefore make everything matter. I force the world into my hands. And I often crush it beneath my fingertips. Often.

. . .

So, what saves me now?

Journaling, lying in bed, sitting on the porch, staring into nothingness, wishing I was smoking a cigarette. Even though I don't smoke. I should write another letter.

I need a cigarette.

London, will you treat me well? I'll do anything. I swear.

[dontlookoutside]

Lone Windmill on a Hill

5/30/2025 𓂃 𓈒𓏸‪‪ Spring air, fresh and clear—

grass soft as a rabbit's fur,

watched by silent blades.

[dontlookoutside]

A Love Letter to Luna / If You Hug Me I'll Cry Harder

5/23/2025 ᓚᘏᗢ Today, Luna returned to the night sky.

She lived to be seventeen years and three months old. 6,313 days was far too short a time for an angel like her to have walked this Earth. But even with the few thousand days we had, I experienced the love of a lifetime.

I wasn't yet fully conscious when we adopted Luna and her brother Lenny, but I vividly recall my first interaction with her: standing before a crate in the animal shelter, I stuck my little pointer finger between its bars... I wanted to play with the little black and white bobble-headed creature staring at me with its wide eyes... and soon enough, I was snot-faced and my finger was dripping crimson red.

Life continued to pass me by and somehow this little cat made everything slightly better. When you lock yourself in your room for days at a time, live online, and have no goals other than those of disappearing, having a creature lightly tap your nose or whine at you when bored can help more than any prescription or electroconvulsive therapy ever will. Luna gave me reasons to get out of bed and a strict schedule to adhere to... otherwise she would grow angry with me.

Nights clouded by suicide were interrupted by the gentle warmth of Luna lying on my chest. And even in times when her warmth wasn't quite enough, I knew she would await my arrival home from the hospital. Cats are like that... always waiting.

Now that she's gone, there is a melancholy brewing within me... but I was so lucky to have known her. We went through everything together. She watched me graduate from being a shut in, and bloom into a functioning human being. This sucks.

Stubborn white cat hairs have littered my rooms, bedsheets, and clothing for the past seventeen years... they've stuck to my black turtlenecks which, despite my efforts to pick each follicle off, will never again be black. I used to complain about all of the cat hair... but now I wish it'd never disappear. No matter where I was in the world, Luna made her presence known. I wore her every day like a badge of honor. There is plenty of time before I stop finding them... she did shed a lot, after all! But I fear the day when they are no more.

She'll finally fade away, with love.

[dontlookoutside]

Making Friends

4/29/2025 ツ Biblically accurate title.

It was really weird at first. I barred myself off from making any friends for about a year and a half, but recently began opening up to people–both online and offline. Spending time with people has been refreshing; going on random drives to nowhere, studying together, sitting on train tracks, sharing ice cream, visiting the planetarium, laying in grass, hugging...

These activities didn't come without growing pains, however. For some time, days spent together with my schoolfriend or a very mysterious Twitter mutual (turned in-person friend) were often followed by two or three days of extreme depression. I suppose my brain hadn't yet acclimated to that level of social interaction, but lately these symptoms have begun subsiding.

Do not be fooled–I am by no means an extrovert and still feel drained after social situations. But overall, I deeply value each and every moment spent with these people. It's not often that I take risks and open up nowadays, but I'm so glad that I finally did.

What a strange contrast from my entry on February 2 of this year. I swear...! I really wasn't intending to make friends, or at all interested in doing so. But now that I have, it's cool... or something like that. I keep saying that these people are government-instated actors meant to reintegrate me into society. I really think they are. And it's working.

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In other news,

Recently, I realized that one of the main motivations behind my posting online was a longing for new friendships. Now that I have achieved them, I find myself speaking less and less outside of these entries. I message, call, or meet with my friends, but rarely speak publicly anymore. I think my photos have always spoken more than me, anyway... and oftentimes, I don't have many words to share. The photos don't always have to speak, either.

[dontlookoutside]

Lament of a Being Driven by Stress

4/16/2025 ? Everyone and Everything is trying to kill me.

I am stressed. Without it, my self-worth is good as obsolete. Without it, I feel no reason to get out of bed. Without it, I have nothing to worry about. I need worry to live. But the same question is being asked of me, over and over again. As the time when which I must voice my reply nears, I grow more uncertain of myself. Is it better to sit and wait comfortably? To take risks? It's not as detrimental to my wellbeing as I feel it is. I will likely live for many more years. There is "plenty of time" to traverse new routes and live new lives... to disappear without a trace and re-emerge as someone else. But I care about the now, and the repercussions of the current.

I'm losing interest in everything–neglecting friends and disappearing. I haven't illustrated or painted anything in a long, long time. And my grades have been slipping. Having more than one B feels humiliating. It's been a long time since I've strayed from being a "straight-A student." Basically, what I'm saying is that... it's not looking too good for me.

These depressions, during which there's nothing in particular worth crying about, lead to nothing but hours slumped over in bed with quivering lips... bangs clipped back and the occasional shuffle of blankets. Few tears fall anymore because of my medications. It's really frustrating.

[dontlookoutside]

These Blooms

3/30/2025 ❀ My first spring,

It's all been so beautiful. I wish things could stay this way forever. I've never seen or smelt so many flowers in my life... I left a trail of cherry blossom petals in the library, as many stuck to the soles of my cat shoes after a rainy photo-walk.

Everything is breathtaking right now. The air is crisp but a slight warmth is found in each brief moment of sunlight, just before the clouds envelope the sky again. Long skirts flutter in the breeze and girls tuck their long hair behind their ears. If there is any time to fall in love with someone, it must be right now.

[dontlookoutside]

It All Goes Downhill From Here

3/17/2025 𖡼 Monday. March 17. 2025.

In approximately four days, Spring Break will begin. I gave my all at the beginning of the semester, but ran out of all the motivation I once had. Somehow, I'm reverting back to my middle school self... a complete social and academic recluse who only does the bare minimum... but at least this time, my grades are still good! I actually "flunked out" of my middle school, which may be surprising to some. Detention was my best friend back then.

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On Saturday, I made the executive decision to do as few of my assigned readings for this week as possible (with a friend's blessing, of course). This morning, I brought my 3DS to class, sat in the way back, and played Animal Crossing: New Leaf. And at this very moment, 14:57, a time when I'm usually working hard in the library, I am wearing a slip dress and listening to the rain (15:10 update: it is now HAILING!). For the past hour or so, I've been sat on my bed hugging my tuna plush, thinking about all that I should but won't be doing today.

In moments like these, I justify my actions with thoughts such as: "I deserve this. I've worked hard"... but I honestly don't think I do, or that I have. It's true that a lot went into me getting where I am today, though I feel I did a lot less than what was expected of me. I'm one of those people who has no idea what's going on in some classes, yet still ends up with good grades. I certainly wouldn't consider myself one of those "naturally smart" people.

But in a few weeks time, I will be put to the test. I have a twenty-five page essay due. Which I have not yet begun . . .

[dontlookoutside]

Spring

3/11/2025 𓇢𓆸 The first dandelion bloomed, but I felt nothing

They're blooming all around me... many things will change soon.

[dontlookoutside]

NPCs Don't Exist, This is Just Real Life

3/1/2025 𓁹‿ 𓁹 Today I had to run some errands.

On the bus to my first location, I sat across from an older gentleman, thinking nothing of it. I have never once spoken to a stranger while on the bus... but after about 5 minutes of a normal ride, the man began speaking to me. He was about 60 years old or so, had a paper bag full of groceries, and a contagious smile. Harmless.

He was kind and unpromptedly told me his life's story... where he went to school, his first real job, how the city had changed throughout the decades, and so on. He had a strong belief that if you can't make it in our city, you can't make it anywhere in the world... I wonder if he's right.

Listening to his stories was like catching a glimpse of a life I would never live, and I found myself wishing he would never stop talking. He pointed out specific buildings that he was familiar with; a night club, a restaurant... an office building where, at around noon on weekdays, you might see a fat security guard working... That's his friend, and you should say hi when you get the chance! He's known him for a long, long time...

As his stop neared, I was consciously planning to ask his name, say "it was nice meeting you [name]", shake his hand, and then never see him again.

But then... It happened.

As the bus slowed, he pointed to one last building: the library.

.

.

. Locking eyes with me one final time, he said: "I'll be there tomorrow, watching p*rn. I am a dirty old man, after all".

I am so glad I did not shake his hand.

[dontlookoutside]

This Fear

2/11/2025 ❀

I would like to preface this by saying: it may seem like I'm always melancholic, but I swear I try not to be!!! I type exactly how I think in my head. Tonally, my words are neutral, if not entirely monotonous. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ Lately I've been worrying about my mental state... not because I feel awful, but because I fear that I see things that aren't there.

Caused by schizophrenia or otherwise, psychosis is prevalent in my family. Every few years, another family member blooms into the curse–like it was always there, but hadn't festered in their systems for long enough. Until it had. The most recent psychotic incident of a relative resulted in near-death and severe bodily injury. It reinstated this longterm fear of mine that the sickness is lingering inside of me–that it's only a matter of time before I'm next.

I begin to wonder if the things I see in my peripherals, which I know aren't real, are only the beginning of my... metamorphosis? Blossoming? Flowers are meant to blossom, but this disease is neither beautiful nor delicate. It is, however, fragrant. It smells like blood. Disgusting. I alienate myself from family who've gone through psychotic episodes, likely out of repulsion for what I could become. It probably hurts them in ways that I wouldn't like to face right now. There is love in my heart, but at times it is unable to override all of the malice.

But none of this will matter unless it really happens! For now I will keep doing homework (which I am procrastinating on as I write) and drawing. I'll just do... anything...

Here is a new development in my life: I have designated one day of each week to be "Fruit Day". It is on Friday. Every Fruit Day, I eat all of the fruit I own until I feel sick. It's sweet... it's painful... it's masochistic... but it's just fruit, so it's okay... right? After the Fruit Day festivities subside, I head to the library and do homework until the staff kicks me out. Then I walk home. It's usually freezing and there is no one out at that hour. There is a vent that I like to stand on midway home. It releases warm air 24/7, so I use it to reheal before continuing my walk. On the rare occasion when I am not entirely alone, I see two figures in the distance holding hands. I hope they are happy.

Once home, I clean my room and reply to my friends. I love my friends very much.

[dontlookoutside]

La La

2/5/2025 🖋 I have come to really enjoy having no friends at school.

It used to make me cry because I felt so lonely. I would have these daydreams about being in a friendgroup and eating lunch together, going on trips and taking pictures, studying together, all of it. I came close to that daydream once last year. A group of girls took me under their wing and would invite me to bake and eat dinner with them... I had a lot of fun on those days.

But then I was removed from school for the rest of that year. When I returned, they didn't seem very interested anymore. New people had joined the group and I couldn't keep up. We are still friendly with each other, of course! The occasional exchange of smiles as we pass in the hallway is enough for me! I'm really happy to see they are all doing well.

I have found a lot of peace in this time alone, though. I realized how much I enjoy my own company, and how nice it is to have obligations to no one but myself and my studies. There is no friendship to worry about neglecting because there is no friendship to begin with.

I realize that this sounds pessimistic or like "cope", but I really am happy about this! I am allowed to be in my own world all the time now... this is the most myself I have felt in a while.

[dontlookoutside]

Over Astronomy

1/19/2025 -͟͟͞☆ I am in the midst of applying to schools. I wanted to spend the remainder of my break playing games and taking pictures, but lately, all I can do is stay home and type away... all day, every day. This is my choice, but working towards it is making me very unhappy.

So, for that reason... Schools, please accept me! I am putting my all into these words!

I plan to try out astronomy. It has been a lifelong passion of mine, yet I continually avoided it in academic settings due to... insecurity about my skills in mathematics... BUT. I think I am capable of reaching out for support now, if needed. It is unwise to deny yourself the things you love just because uncertainty haunts you. I think that, by ignoring your passions, you may be slowly killing yourself. If I were to pursue a life in Biology having never experienced a formal class on Astronomy, I think I would feel an immense sadness eat away at me every time I looked to the stars.

I want to stand before an observatory someday. I guess I really just want to feel free.

[dontlookoutside]

After Story

1/14/2025 ☎︎ I was watching Clannad a few days ago, and it made me think about what was and what could have been.

If I were born into a normal family, where would I be now? The schizophrenia, BPD, alcohol, and drugs.. Sometimes I loathe my immediate family. I don't talk to them as much as I should. Had everyone been normal, I would be very different than I am today. I honestly don't know if that's a good or bad thing. But if there was a way to wish another story into existence, I don't think I would do it.

The first memory I have is of four year old me getting an iPhone thrown at them. I laugh about it today, even though it was really traumatizing back then. It left a huge bump on my head and didn't go away for days. I guess I wouldn't want to let go of that memory–somehow I'm smiling just thinking about it. That event permanently altered my little life. I think that's pretty cool.

After everything, this reality is good enough for me!

[dontlookoutside]

Detach

12/31/2024 ᯤ Tomorrow it will be a new year

For over a year I have detached myself from the online world. I stopped using TikTok, Discord, Instagram, and so on.

This was the result of extreme paranoia, but also a lack of interest to see other people's lives/share mine. Leaving those platforms behind made me incredibly lonely as someone whose entire history of friendships were those made online. But that loneliness was not as bad as staying, so I never went back. I quickly realized that I did not care about most of the people I followed and that they didn't care about me. It was weird; even though they were people I knew in-person (acquaintances), it was like they never existed... it's kind of evil.

But then I made a new Twitter account in October 2023, and it is all that I am left with... and I guess Tumblr, though I only use it to write journals. I deleted Twitter from my phone and now only log on with my computer or laptop. Somehow, with the community I have surrounded myself on there, I feel myself wanting to see what my mutuals are doing and wanting to share what I am doing. I hate myself for that... why do I want to share my life with others? Why do I want to know more about complete strangers? It goes against every privacy boundary I have, and yet I still post. I have considered permanently deleting it multiple times, but there are a few people that I stay for... I think that is very special.

Regardless of finally having a good time on that platform, I still experience paranoia. I will never know who is monitoring my account, but that is a given. I could go private, but then I wouldn't be able to connect with as many interesting people. I have complicated things for myself though... seeing as there are few ways to contact me outside of Twitter, and that I have become painfully secretive... I also limit who can message me because there is no trust in my heart... I'M SORRY!

But I am working on it! The shell is finally cracking and I can let people in. I want to know what your voices sound like.

[dontlookoutside]

Reunion

12/27/2024 ↟ I hiked in snow for the first time in way too long. I will admit, being in nature has not fixed most things for me. But it has changed my appreciation for the world and given me more reasons to leave bed.

Go outside!