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tfw you saw some hack do that at the Funny Bone in St. Louis, nyeh!

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Coming Soon!

Season 2, Episode 12: Godzilla vs. Megalon

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Stinger (S02E11)

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Letter from “Jennifer”

Dear Crow,

I like you.

Crow: Hey! I like you too!

Me and my daddy die laughing. Hey, I like that movie with a girl singing a song and you started dancing. How are you so funny? Talent?

Crow: Read the book. Joel: Yeah. Crow: Question mark.

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Letter from “Amy”

Dear Crow, Tom Servo, Joel, and Gypsy,

You guys are real funny. I want you guys to write back. My whole family likes to watch your movie. We watch seven of your movies.

Crow: Hey!

We like the beach movie the best.

- “Amy”, seven years old

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Tom Servo’s Head Explodes: A Frame-by-Frame Study

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Final Segment (S02E11)

After the film, Joel & the Bots discuss their painful experience. Except for Crow, who thought the film was alright. Joel & Servo list various awful experiences they’ve had in the past that the film reminded them of. Unfortunately, Tom Servo’s sarcasm sequencer seems to still be on the fritz, and his memories are increasingly and excessively sarcastic. Inevitably:

He explodes.

Later, after reading the letters, Joel gives Crow affectionate scratches under the chin which he refers to as “chin rascals”. Servo recovers, and receives a helping of chin rascals as well. 

Back in Deep 13, Frank is swept along in the emotional current and gives himself extensive chin rascals. The button, too, is chin rascal’d, and thus the episode ends. All this sweetness is too much for Dr. Forrester, who retches and vomits through the entire closing Deep 13 scene and the credits.

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Host Segment 3 (S02E11)

[Editor’s Note: The following Host Segment is disgusting and so most of it is concealed behind a cut. You’re welcome.]

Servo: And we’ll be right back after this message!

Servo: Hi! Ed Herlihy here, hoping you’re enjoying tonight’s Klack Festival Theatre presentation of First Spaceship to Venus.  

Servo: You know, Holiday season is the perfect time to enjoy Klack’s Industrial Saladoos-based snacks and snippets, any time of the day or year. 

Servo: Start the morning with a technicolor yawn by serving up piles of flabby Klack leather pancakes dotted with dicey cocoa stumps.

Servo: Kids can’t resist the texture of Klack’s creamy clotted palm spread, squeezed out on horsey biscuits.

Servo: And don’t forget the Sir Cheddar Snack-a-lots, and top them with jimmy hats for a western roundup, and safe snacking.

Servo: And Moms, don’t forget to serve the clabber club platters of salamander fingerwiches...

Servo: ...creamy crust puppies, and hey...

Servo: ...try a load of taco mincemeat relish parfait, served up in a tulip glass for that touch of elegance.

Servo: Uncle Bob’s just out of the insitution! Celebrate with skin mittens...

Servo: ...brightened up with gamey forcemeat stuffing...

Servo: ...and don’t forget those Polynesian cheese devils!

Servo: Then, pinch off some Klack hanger-crafted cobra coils to compliment a Bastille Day buffet. 

Servo: And lube up those cooter cakes with that incredibly edible, spreadable phlegm!

Servo: Watch kitty’s galvanic skin response shoot through the ceiling by wrapping him in Klack wrap and making her a festive centerpiece.

Servo: At lunchtime, light your hand on fire and plunge it into the traditional gut loaf whistle pie. Just like Grandpa used to do before they took him away!

Servo: And finally, dress your holiday table in style with a gold-roasted mutant hell-beast...

Servo: Stuffed with flesh button dressing, made fresh with Klack Saladoos, cooter croutons, and grandmother’s earlobes. Always the best!

Servo: Accent with creamy crust puppies, velvety chode balls, and, of course...

Servo: ...a mug of holiday swill.

Servo: Remember, if you’re incapable of showing emotion but know how to cook...

Servo: ...Klack has a snack idea for you.

Servo: Mm-mmm-mm-mm-mmm! And we’ll be right back after these messages.

[Commercial Sign]

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Host Segment 2 (S02E11)

Crow: Hello and welcome to the Satellite of Love! I'm Crow... Servo: ...and I'm Tom Servo and we're the hosts of the new Match Game '78! So, let's meet our guest: Brett Somers! Gypsy: Yay!

Servo: Woah! Crow: Oh, yipes! Looks like a foreign ship comin' in to our airspace! Cambot, gimme Rocket Number Nine, quick!

Crow: Uh-oh, looks like we got company!

Servo: I'm gonna go get Joel... Crow: Good idea. Servo: Oh! [screams] Hold me, Crow, hold me! Oh!! Crow: Gypsy! Gypsy, girl, whatever you do, don't turn around. Just don't turn around. Gypsy: Okay. [turns around] Servo: Oh no, no-no-no! Gypsy: [screams and faints] Servo: [screaming] No!

Crow: Oh, that's just great, we lost Gypsy! But where's Joel? He'd know what to do! Oh... [as Dr. Zachary Smith] Help me, you gregarious galvanized garbage can... oh, the pain... the pain! Servo: [As Robot B-9] Danger! Danger, Crow T. Robot, Danger! [normal voice] No, no, come on, Crow, you got me doin' it, now! Get a grip, boy! Crow: Oh, I'm sorry...

Servo: We have to remain rational! This is just one of the many sordid alien visitors that fly by, exchange dialogue with us for roughly, uh... two and a half minutes, and then leaves. It's no big deal! Gorilla: [aggressive grunts] Servo: Oh! Ohh! Ahhh!! Crow: Ahh! Servo: I do believe in spooks! I do believe in spooks! Oh, mommy, mommy... Crow: Just stop it, Tom! Come on, get ahold of yourself! It's a common gorilla. Probably one of those horrible animal experiments they used to shoot into space. Just a big ol' dumb gorilla. The key with these creatures is to talk nice to 'em. Animals can sense fear, and rip your arms out of your sockets and show 'em to you at a moment's notice. Watch this!

Crow: [to the gorilla] Hey, boy! [whistles] Here, kitty, kitty! Hey, Koko! How's it goin', boy? Servo: [whispering] Hey, he's goin' for it, Crow! Crow: Yeah. Servo: [whispering] Wow... Crow: Just relax, you big dumb dolt. Still bummed out that humans evolved to be a higher species? Yup, you idiot. That's right, still dumber than a bag full of hammers, aren't you? Yeah...

Crow: Now, listen, Tom, I know you're scared out of your wits but... I need you to sing that gorilla a song. What's that song you sang, uh, last Wednesday at vespers? Servo: Uh, 'Oh, Sweet Mother o' Mine" but, I don't understand how that's gonna-- Crow: Yeah-- no buts, Tom! Start singing, boy! Servo: Okay. Oh... nice gorilla. Oh, nice boy, you crummy monkey with matted, awful... Crow: Hey, watch it! Servo: [singing] Oh, sweet mother o' mine 'Tis only for you I pine I'll try to get bail and I'll drive up to jail and I'll spring that sweet mother o' mine! Crow: You sang that at vespers?

Joel: What in the world is goin' on here?! Crow and Servo: [talking over each other and sobbing] Joel: Oh, just take it easy... just take it easy. Take it easy, you guys. Take a breath. Come on, take a breath. Oh, we got Movie Sign!

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Host Segment 1 (S02E11)

Servo: Oh-kay, I think it's all done. Crow: Yeah, it's great! Servo: I'm gonna go get Joel. Crow: Alright! I'll wait here. [snickers] This is gonna... aw, it's so cool... Servo: [leading Joel] ...it's the neatest thing in the world! Come on! That's it, keep your eyes closed... Joel: Alright, alright... Servo: ...keep 'em closed! Crow: Okay, don't look! Joel: Okay... Crow: Don't look, you promise? Joel: ...alright. Servo: It's a super surprise with cream on top! Crow: Yeah! Servo: You ready? Open your eyes! Crow: Yep. Servo: Ta-da!

Joel: Oh, a surprise! Did you want me to open it? Crow: Uh, it's open already, you silly willy... Joel: W-well, what-- what is it? Crow: Servo? Servo: It's the XT-5000 ramjet super-configured limited edition lightning interface! Model L. Joel: Wow. D-- well, does it talk? Crow: Oh, Joel, it's only the coolest robot in the world! It's our entry into the land of robotics. Joel: Oh, yeah, it is really cool... it's got the... well, this thingamajig here, and this, uh, kinda head thing, it's pretty neat! Servo: Yeah, that's the powered-light XL-440 adapter plate. I made that. Crow: I soldered it. Joel: Wow, so I could-- could I ask it a question? Crow: Well, sure... Servo: Sure, if it'll make you feel better...

Joel: Yeah, um, well, he's probably so powerful, I could probably ask it just about anything, pretty much, couldn't I? Crow: Yeah, pretty much. Servo: Uh-huh. Yup. Joel: Okay, I actually got a question here... [pulls small card from pocket] that I got. Okay, XT-4000... Crow: Five thousand. Joel: Uh, I mean, XT-5000, what integer can be the sum of itself and a number less than the positive square root of thirty? Servo: Here we go! XT-5000: [foam]

XT-5000: [foaming continuously] Crow: Mm-hmm. XT-5000: [slurping sounds] Servo: Yeah. Crow: Here comes the answer. Servo: Cool, huh? Joel: Wow. Is it supposed to do that? Servo: Y-Yeah! Crow: Yeah. Servo: That's the way the XT communicates. He talks in foam!

XT-5000: [foaming continuously with slurping, gurgling sounds] Joel: Oh, well, that's kind of a interesting way to interface... kind of a bubble memory, huh? Crow: Yeah! Servo: Thank you! Crow: Thank you, yeah. Servo: Thank you. Joel: Ew. [touches foam] Crow: Wow, that's... Joel: Yeah. Servo: Well, here comes the answer, um... Crow: Yeah, lemme check it out, here... Servo: What's it say, Crow? Crow: Uh, haven't quite figured out how to read it yet... uh... Joel: You guys, it's kinda messy... Servo: Oh, I guess all computers are bug-proof, huh? I'd like to be on the mailing list for one of those! Sign me up!! Joel: Oh... Servo: Ugh. Well, uh, it's starting to pile up, here...

XT-5000: [clanking, slurping, and gurgling sounds as foaming intensifies] Crow: Yeah. Joel: I don't... Crow: Oh. Servo: So... Crow: Yup... Joel: Eww. Crow: We thought you'd be happy for us! Joel: Ugh. Servo: Joel... can you see if it's commercial sign yet, Crow? [increasingly muffled by foam] Servo and Crow: [indistinct chatter muffled by rising foam] Joel: I think we've got commercial sign, you guys... yeah, it's really neat... ugh.

[Commercial Sign]

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Der Schweigende Sterne (1960 - GDR)

Put the silhouette of theatre seats behind you for a moment and look at this film. The Stasi may be watching as you look, so be sure to keep your heroic-realist faces on and applaud at the appropriate moments. 

This episode features a version of this film edited for American release and titled “First Spaceship on Venus”. The original title of the film, translated from German, is “The Silent Star”. We tend to prefer this title -- surely the ship from Venus that crashed, creating the Tunguska explosion, is the first spaceship on Venus. Or, perhaps the people of Venus made other spaceships before that one, in which case whichever one they built first was definitely the first spaceship on Venus.

Anyway, let us give you the People’s Democratic Plot Summary. We’ve got some kind of rusty ‘spool,’ found in the Gobi desert, and circumstantially linked to the mysterious Tunguska explosion. Some mumbling and hand-waving takes place and we, the audience, are assured that the Tunguska impactor must have been an alien spacecraft, and that it must have originated on our sister planet Venus. Naturally, an expedition is mounted post-haste.

On the way to Venus, the message within the spool is deciphered. We would have suggested deciphering the message before leaving, but of course they didn’t consult us in planning this mission. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the message is one of doom and destruction: the details of a Cytherean war-plan for the extermination of all life on Earth. The crew debates turning back to warn the doomed Earth, but they determine that this would only incite panic and press on.

Of course, the message isn’t deciphered until the expedition arrives at Venus, where some kind of interference conveniently disables any communication with Earth. It would be too easy if they could just call, you know, so a contrivance was needed. With the help of the least interesting robot you may ever see in a film, the surface exploration commences.

After the airing out of several tongues and the dispensation of great volumes of hot air, we finally arrive at another plot development: the peoples of Venus are all gone, annihilated by their own atomic weapons run amok. Along the way, we meet some kind of storage medium in the form of little robotic bugs, and some of our heroes flee up a tower from some kind of weird sludge. Rest assured, none of this is particularly interesting or spectacular.

At this point, with the danger to Earth apparently gone, another contrivance is needed. The doomsday device which was to irradiate the Earth is accidentally activated, a member of the crew is running out of air, and all sorts of contrived action suddenly takes place. The desperate plan to deactivate the doomsday machine is a success but it flings the ship back into space and away from Venus. By amazing coincidence, and definitely not yet another plot contrivance, this unplanned flinging sends the craft directly home to Earth. The stranded crew member and the man sent to rescue him are both abandoned to their fates.

That’s the price of progress and exploration, ostensibly. It’s not enough to put a damper on the celebration as the ship returns to Earth. At the heroic return of our heroes, the film takes the time to hammer down on its rather contrived message: Nuclear bombs is bad, guys. Trite.

You’d never know if it wasn’t in the credits, but this film is ostensibly based on The Astronauts (Astronauci), an early novel by the legendary science fiction author Stanisław Lem (Solaris, The Cyberiad, Fiasco, Solaris, His Master’s Voice, Solaris, and of course most notably Solaris. [Editor’s note: Read Solaris.]) 

It may not surprise you to learn that Mr. Lem was rather unimpressed with the final product. We are inclined to share his opinion. 

Go read Solaris, my friends. Or, watch the film. [Editor’s Note: If George Clooney is in it, that’s the wrong film.]

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Dr. Forrester’s Nicknames for Joel (S02E11)

TFW what were once derisive nicknames are becoming ever-more affectionate pet names...

This Week: “Mon’ami”

Previously: “Sir Goofus von Drakesnot” “Barnacle built for two” “Bumpus” “My Takeout Troglodyte” “Grog Blossom” “Joely-cakes” “Pink Boy” “Joel Hackerson” “Joyless Prole” “Pasty Boy” “Clambake” “Joelarini / Joel-a-reenie / or your preferred choice of spelling “Bubbie” “Joelarini-weenie” / “Joel-a-reenie-weenie” / any spelling you like “Joel-y”

The Complete List of Season 1 Nicknames: (below the cut)

“Joely-poly Pudding and Pie” “Joely, you free-floating space ferret” “Joel-meister” “My little square pudding” “Joel, you fancy-pantsy nancy boy” ”Jolene” (one might spell it thusly: “Joel-ene”) ”Space Biscuit” “Joel-ene, you pusillaminous (sic) poltroon” “Pink Boy” “Joel-ita, my little Vacuum Flower” “Jumpsuit Joel-y” “Joel, my little $3.98 all-you-can-eat space buffet” “Joel-er-eenie” (Spelling is problematic here. “Joel-a-reenie”? An ‘Italian style’ approach has been suggested: “Joelarini”) “Teen Dream” “My Little Spunk Dumpling” “Buddy” “My Little Spud Bunny” “My Muddy Waters wannabe” ”Joely Ace” or perhaps the intent is an effete construction of Joel’s name, something like“Joel-iace” “Smart Boy” ”Skippy Drawers” “My little free-floating vacuum monkey” “Lumpy Boy” “Flabby-cakes” “Joel the Mole, my little frosted sponge cake” “Double Stuff” “Mister Skin-on-Wiener” “My little bagel with a schmear” “Musty Breath” “Tasty Boy”

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Invention Exchange (S02E11)

Joel starts things off with his Junk Drawer Helper. It’s a sort of starter kit for junk drawers with a CO2 cartridge, a plastic golf ball, a card to a Harley Davidson dealership, Silly Putty, and a little flower. Of course, before you know it... 

...a neat magic trick happens and the junk drawer becomes a cornucopia. The Mads, too, show off their junk drawer, which is perhaps more sinister in its contents. They are ostensibly searching for their invention but we can’t help noticing a hint of jealousy in their opening comments. 

Eventually, after a ham-fisted joke about product placement, they find their way to their invention: Abe Vigoda’s back. He’s not returned, mind you, it’s just the rear side of him... but not in the way you’re thinking. It’s literally his back, played by no less a figure than the great Michael J. Nelson, here-current head writer and future-past host of MST3K. Hi, Mike!

Are these really inventions? Well, that’s not for us to say. These are the contents of this week’s so-called ‘Invention Exchange’ segment, regardless. And a final note: don’t miss the Frank’s stunning series of impersonations as the Mads rummage through their junk. He’s so awful that it’s impossible not to love him.

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First Spaceship on Venus (S02E11)

Are you all packed? We’re going on a trip behind the Iron Curtain this week. It’s a German science fiction film -- East German, mind you -- and it’s a steaming fog machine paradise, so pack for a summer vacation, my friends, but don’t expect to get outside the ship much.

Yes, like a long, terrible episode of Star Trek, this particular space film spends way too much of its actual space time focusing on (cheaper to film) events aboard the spacecraft itself, with very little action. We can’t help but notice how the dreary, flimsy spaceship set is oddly reminiscent of the Satellite of Love’s own bridge, but with all the charm and wonder stripped away. 

The episode begins with a really excellent segment. Joel is adjusting Tom Servo’s sarcasm sequencer, as Crow looks on. At first, the results are overwhelming. Joel can only stand by and cringe as an endless torrent of excessive, gushing sarcasm bursts forth. This is apparently the ‘constant sarcasm’ setting; Crow suggests the ‘random’ setting and this appears to be the one we are used to. 

As a test, Joel mentions Pia Zadora, Dan Quayle, and (of course) notorious prop comic Gallagher. Of these, only one gets a sarcastic reply -- (of course) Gallagher -- and, apparently, Joel is satisfied with the sarcasm sequencer’s performance. The Gallagher Grudge is real, my friends, but that’s a topic for another time.

Anyway, this week we have a great episode. Space movies are always fertile ground for riffing, and this is no exception. Of course, this one has a little something special, too: it’s European and it’s dubbed. We are well and truly in the butter zone of good-badness. Not only that, but you will find some really excellent host segments in this episode too but, to be fair, the Editor loves all the host segments so our information in this area may be biased. 

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Coming Soon!

Season 2, Episode 11: First Spaceship on Venus

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Stinger (S02E10)