dopaminergicaddictions

[dopaminergicaddictions]

1/30/25

1:03 p.m Added to Significantly

I had a lucid dream. Where me and my mom were in a van that had stops. And I got off at planet fitness And she stayed on. And I left my phone, mac, and everything with her and the van took off. And I couldn't find her. And I couldn't get home. And I was sleeping outside of planet fitness when they weren't 24/7 bc they are 24/5. And i was freezing. And then id sleep on the couch or a mat when they were open 24 hours. And I couldn't reach my mother. And I kept telling myself this is a dream. It isn't real so don't worry you're not homeless.

I had another dream where people didn't believe i was in my 30s and I kept having to show them my ID bc they thought I was under 18. I think that dream represented how I feel like I'm 15 but people see me as an adult man but like in my brain everyone sees me as a child and that's why a hot mom at the gym couldn't possibly be flirting with me.

Anyways I am going to end it soon..I'm on every dating site known to man and yea no one likes me but ugly bitches and yea I'm not settling..

I also think Elise wants me to hate her. I can't hate her and tbh it doesn't matter. Potentially forever we are just strangers.

Also my hallucination is driving me crazy today and idk why bc I slept exceptionally well last night. I mean I got like 8 or 9 hours. I slept solidly through the night. That never happens. The ID dream wasn't from last night. But the planet fitness one was and it was a long dream and a very lucid dream.

I think I'm just annoyed with being alive and legit I'm on every dating site. Okstupid, tinder, her, taimi, bumble, hinge, and two different fb dating profiles.

I'm obv never going to find a fucking gf

[dopaminergicaddictions]

[dopaminergicaddictions]

9/12/24

9:17 a.m

Holy shit my ear has had like 4 or 5 popping sessions today. Usually it's like once a day!

Make the 6 different sessions!!

Now 7!!

[dopaminergicaddictions]

9/12/24

8:51 a.m

My right ear was popping when I woke up for a brief time... then it started popping when I actually woke up fully....I think it's getting worse...

Also my eye sight is 100% going downhill... I'd say both eyes are at least a -.50 but idk. And I have an astigmatism in my left eye as well as my right but I guess the one on the left isnt bad enough to qualify for a lense.

As for reading glasses if I could afford progressives I would have done it but I'm just keep things up on my face closer than 6 inches and saving myself hundreds.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

9/11/24

6:21 p.m

I'm going to the Dr tomorrow to have my ears checked. I got anxiety about it. I mean it's better than having needles put in me for 4 hours bare minimum and being exposed to radiation.

I also have the meeting with an intake bitch. We will see what therapist she places me with inwhich will abandoned me lol

I have anxiety. John was saying that it could be built up ear wax..... basically you're not supposed to put q-tips in your ears but doesn't everyone do that?? Lol I don't want them squirting my ears lol

Also I'm prob going to find a new ent. I mean tbh I feel like he thinks I'm crazy. The other place I went to I didn't feel dismissed like this place but I had to wait 2 hours between seeing the Dr at first to get my hearing test.... which is why I went to the place that was closer... maybe I should find someone new..

I was thinking about buying a hearing amplifier.... since no one will give me hearing aids.... I don't really have the money for that... idk it's a thought..

I also am sick of my nose being a platform for my glasses. Look at what wearing glasses did to my nose. Bc they always sit on my nose they gave me a white head. It's not really a big deal bc I do kinda have a lot of white heads but I mean my glasses hide it well while also magnifying the one on my eyelid.

Either way I really think glasses are universally nerdy. And I'm terrified of seeing my eye Dr for tepezza next week 😟

[dopaminergicaddictions]

8/3/24

8:33 p.m

I want to be buried under a tree. A beautiful tree.

I don't want to cut my life short but if I can't get my sleep med it's whatever.

I look at this life and I have nothing at all. Nothing to look forward to. I won't have kids. I won't get married. I won't even find a partner.

And my brain is too broken to sleep. I never understood insomnia until I had it. Some people like myself have broken brains that truly cannot sleep.

I remember thinking insomnia was just an anxiuos night or two. Nope insomnia is severe sleep deprivation. It's laying there with your eyes closed for 15-20 hours a day trying to sleep and never being able to hit sleep stage 1. It fucks you up.

With insomnia your brain legit is incapable of achieving sleep without some serious drugs. Antihistamine and fucking tea at bedtime isn't going to do it.

Imagine having such severe anxiety that you can hardly function while you lay there with your eyes closed. Imagine that while you do it all you can remember is all the times you couldn't sleep. Imagine that your brain was chemically dependent on weed to sleep for years and then you took it away.

Now all I got is my xanax and I don't have it. I have no choice but it end it.

Weed will just worsen my hallucination. Then we are back to mental pictures with auditory hallucinations.... you can't sleep when your brain does that constantly.

I'm hopeless without xanax. Benzos are used for chronic insomnia for a reason. They actually work.

Between this and my hallucination which is way worse today cause all I can think about is severe sleep deprivation, I mean what's the fucking point?

Look at my life. You'd kill yourself too. My brain can't even sleep without drugs.

If you don't have severe insomnia. If you didn't suffer severe sleep deprivation you don't have insomnia and you have no concept what it's like.

My brain doesn't know how to sleep. It can't. It's incapable.

Fancy Benadryl isn't going to do it. Melatonin isn't going to do it.

At least I'll win the case against Kristen. I hope my family knows I want to be buried under a tree. An old great tree. To signify how hard I fought despite losing my battle.

The battle is lost if I don't get my sleep med. It's time to fall on my sword. Metopolol will kill me. It'll do the trick. It's always been the plan. It slows your heart rate down. I'll be dead as a door knob with 50 in my stomach. And I'll do it out in the woods alone incase I make noise. I'll go way out there so I fucking die.

Maybe Kristen will get lucky and animals will eat my body so they'll think I ran away.

I can't risk doing it here. If I start to make nosie the hospital could save me and I don't want to be saved.

There is nothing worth living for. I didn't make it this far to go back to sleep deprivation

[dopaminergicaddictions]

9/3/24

Whelp I guess I'm not getting it tonight. I guess I won't sleep. Suicide is coming. I ain't ever suffering from sleep deprivation again.

I should have killed myself a long time ago anyways. If It isn't approved by tomorrow I'm ending it.

I'm never taking a scary sedative hynoptics and an antihistamine could never knock me out. Trust me I tried that baby shit. That's for someone who thinks they have insomnia. The amount of drugs it takes me to fall asleep and the strength of them speaks volumes.

Tomorrow night I'm ending it if I don't get my script. I will never and I mean never fucking suffer from sleep deprivation again.

Fuck being alive. This life was never worth living anyways.

And Mike did abandon me but what does it matter? I won't be able to sleep, and that's all I give a fuck about.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

9/1/24

10:02 a.m Added to

I actually had three or four other weird dreams that randomly came back to me from last night.

1) a microsleep dream where I didn't think I fell asleep and I had to get up and take more pills. I thought it was real but it wasn't per in my sleep tracker nothing was recorded.

2) I had a dream where I got drunk af and couldn't take xanax and I was still drunk and I was trying to sleep. I had smoked weed and I was all fucked up and I couldn't sleep. And I couldn't take xanax bc it can kill you. I remember laying there all sorts of fucked up panicking that I wouldn't be able to sleep.

3) I think I had another dream maybe this was the first part of the dream above where I had a beer and couldn't have xanax... and then I started freaking out about sleeping. Bc I would never mix alcohol and xanax... even a beer. Bc when you read about it, sure it can cause sedation but also organ failure it is not a thing to mix ever. Even in small concentrations.

4) another dream I forgot but may remember. It involved her. I believe but idk..

Anyways I think I'm going to go to the emergency room today. Today is a Methimazole day so I can't take my probiotic until like 6 hours after I took Methimazole.... that would put me eating dinner at 2:30 p.m....

I've decided I'm skipping the l salvariuos today, and eating soon and then going so I can ideally get home before 8 p.m and shower.

When I think about sensations that have been real and weren't tactiles I have proof of many although I also have proof of many tactiles.. anyways here is the proof of real sensations:

1) black hairy tongue, I figured it was tactile but my tongue was disgusting.

2) Heart palpitations- they found weird stuff on my heart monitor and on the ekg.

3) hearing loss- I did have clogged eustachian tubes to explain hearing loss.

4) muscle stuff caused by statin and potentially from metopolol. And a lack of b vitamins that have seemed to entirely resolve mostly since having eggs and chicken.

Idk it could be a waste of time. But some of my sensations are real issues. I just don't want to deal with being trans and talking about my urinary tract.

Maybe I'll just surprise them when they take the cat scan and not tell them. They'll be surprised.

I mean the fatigue and nasua was def real. It was too intense.

I've asked my tactiles to put all their energy into hurting me anywhere except one area of anxiety I even said hurt my eyes whatever it'll still give me anxiety.

And when it chose an area about 10 seconds later it made my brain and ear hurt. On a pain scale of 1-10. 10 being severe. It was like a 3. Idk if that's all it can do. But yea.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

9/1/24

8:48 a.m

I had another dream about her. Our house was snow. Made of snow blocks sorta like minecraft. She was moving out of her old house. Into this snow one with me. It was being renovated.

I remember being in her bed. She had welcomed me but she wasn't in the bed with me.

Her husband was coming she was leaving him and I was scared of him.

Christ my sub conscious is so weird. Two nights ago it was all she shape shifts she's not the girl you knew. She's gone. She's like everyone else.

And last night I was in her bed. Nothing sexual happened at all. I hardly saw her. But I saw her empty house and our new house. Idk it was weird.

Anyways:

Idk if I'm going to the er today. Maybe. My symptoms are as followed:

1) Burning/Frequency was always a thing, burning seem to not be as much of a thing.

2) Difficulty/Pain passing urine- occasionally

3) Nasaua/fatigue- it happened last night and 2 nights before that.

4) pain in lower back/pain above genitals- not constant. Could be tactile for all I know I've read the kidney stones symptoms list enough times.

All I know is the fatigue and nasaua was not tactile it was far too advanced...

And the pain while urinating a sharp pain a few times could have been tactile but idk.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

8/30/24

7:32 p.m

Someone was looking for supplements in a psychosis group and I recommended white mulberries bc they actually have caused a significant reduction in my symptoms.

She ended up messaging me bc she wanted to know more about them bc of course I was oversharing. I'd like to save anyone from antipsychotics. Antipsychotics are actually poison.

And her husband has psychosis as of recently and had a stroke like a decade ago and they are both older prob 60s. And she's trying to keep him off antipsychotics.

I wish I had someone who loved me like that. She's going to get them for him and I truly hope they help him. I wish I could fucking speak against antipsychotics and speak for morus alba. I truly wish I could. On a stage on a platform. I want morus alba to get the attention it deserves. I want to save people from antipsychotics so badly.

I looked at them in one of their photos and she loves him so much. And I just wish I had someone who wanted to save me.

All I have is me. And I want to help other people. Which is why I stay in the groups and I comment occasionally pushing morus alba.

I'm not fully recovered. But every 500mg I've added has significantly improved my quality of life and I've suffered no ill effect.

Antipsychotics are truly poison and it's disgusting that 20-75% of people on them develop a movement disorder. It's more disgusting that Kristen wanted to dumb me down like that and watch my muscles turn into putty.

Either way I wish I had someone who loved me like that. She cares so much about him. So many people would have ran away.

Through this whole battle all I've had was me, fighting for me. I wish someone else cared enough to fight for me. If I wasn't so resilent I'd be dead right now.

I still might die to this sooner rather than later but no one will say I gave up. They'll say he fought like hell. Bloodstained. With every gun and weapon I could find, until eventually I lost.

No one will ever say I didn't fight. Perhaps the only thing I need is someone to love me and prove I'm worth it to them. A healthy environment. That may be all I need to recover.

People in healthy environments recover more than people who have a toxic at home environment

I just wish someone for once would stick around and say I'm worth it. And never leave.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

8/30/24

3:40 p.m

I wish I was taller. I wish I was like 6'4 or even 6'2. I think girls would line up out the door for me.

I forgot that when I didn't put my height on okcupid I got so many more likes.

I still don't know what to do with the potential uti.... when I had my last one they didn't give me meds right away. They might have been waiting until it was confirmed that I had the bacteria..... the second test showed I guess that I was winning the infection or whatever.

Idk. All I know is the test is taking forever and I mean the sensation isn't bad.... idk what to do.

I just wish I wasn't so alone. I hate being so alone. Katelyn's engagement party is tomorrow and my sister keeps asking if I'm going with her.

I don't want to for multiple reasons:

1) it starts at 4 p.m and it's 2 hours away and my circadian rhythm.... I got to save it tonight bc of last nights sleep problems...

2) 2 hours there, 2 hours back. Imma be car sick the majority of the day

3) skye will bring her gf and imma be third wheeling it the whole 4 hours.

4) everyone will be coupled at the event and I'm going to feel fucking shitty.

5) skye is a bitch when I need to use the bathroom when I'm in her car.... and I might have a uti...

Reasons to go:

1) its the right thing to do but then again Katelyn could never stop getting mad at me for being too poor to do whatever she wanted to do.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

Katie felt this way. It was hard for me bc my love language is words.

Elise I wrote a book for you laced inbetween all this mental anguish and I only hope one day you realize how deeply I love you. I will love you like the moon. I don't get to know you, I don't get see you smile, I don't get to make you laugh, I don't get to read your words, I don't get to hear your voice but I'll love you from afar and I'll always be by your side even if I'm a million miles away and I never get to see your face again.

ppl who think that saying “I love you” to someone a lot makes it lose it’s meaning are so boring literally what could make you think that? if someone tells you they love you like 3 times in an hour it means that 3 separate times they were sitting there and thinking about you and how wonderful you are like. smh. say I love you to everyone that you love as often as possible bc sometimes it’s easy to forget that there are people who love you

[dopaminergicaddictions]

Andrea Gibson, Lord of the Butterflies

[dopaminergicaddictions]

“I settled for Cecile”

I do not remember when I wrote that but being I truly care about Cecile and I want to explain myself I will answer this. I will make this clear, I did not see I got this message until today as I have been maining another blog on Tumblr my Nathank77.

so I do not remember what I wrote. I will start with that. I write so much on Tumblr, I couldn't find that post if I tried. However I am sure you have screenshots.

So when I initially met Cecile I was not attracted to her romantically. That changed drastically as I got to know her. The reason I was not attracted to Cecile romantically at first I believe was the age difference. She looked younger and I was more attracted to people in my age group. We had a like 4 year age difference, when I met her she was 19 and I was like 23. And I could still see the teenager in her.

As I got to know Cecile, I fell head over heels in love with her. Her personality was/is beautiful. She is also beautiful on the outside. As she aged before we dated and while we were dating she became even more beautiful to me. Now she is stunning.

I do tend to like older women or women that are in my age group. So that was what I meant by I "settled," in one regard. I want to state that I have psychosis and sometimes I just write and don't think about how I word things, I also assume no one reads my tumblr. Psychosis has severely fucked up my brain. It's not an excuse but it's a reason why I may have said what I said the way I said it.

I said I "settled" on Cecile for another reason as well and this was the most important, she was in love with someone else the entire time. It was more than just that she was younger than me. I did not know she was poly at the time and even still knowing that in a way I did settle as I am monogamous and she loved someone more than she loved me. She would have left me for that person in a flash if it had been an option.

I understand that soulmates are a thing and that she loved me as much as she could have. I don't regret dating her but in only one regard I did settle- before we started dating she said, " I will always love nameless, she will always be my first choice." when she said that I should have prob kept it as friendship. As it was hard for me to accept there was a living breathing human on this earth that the girl I was in love with would leave me on the drop of a hat for.

Either way I did not settle on Cecile truly. Cecile was the only person I dated who loved me the way I needed to be loved even though she was in love with someone else. Beyond that out of all of my exes, we shared the most significant bond. She is the only person I feel I bonded with in like over 15 years to be honest. Our relationship was bad, but we did share a deep bond. The way I hurt her still haunts me.

I am happy that I had that relationship with her although I wish it ended differently, mostly I wish it ended in Manchester or even sooner as I traumatized her bc I was not emotionally okay at the time and unfortunately I said really mean things and it was a verbally abusive relationship on both ends.

I assign more blame to myself and she knows that, she understands why, its rightfully so. But to really answer you it wasn't about looks. I think Cecile is gorgeous. It was about her being in love with someone else while she dated me, when she was the only person I loved when I dated her.

In that one regard I did settle cause as a monogamous person I am only capable of being in love with one person. And I deserved to be the only person she was in love with. However I didn't deserve Cecile and that's the truth bc she was too good for me.

she was young and had a soulmate and I was older and mentally tortured and I took it out on her despite not wanting to hurt her.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

5/19/24

6:19 a.m

She got in a drunk driving accident years ago when she was with Ali and they didn't take her alcohol level for some reason.. but she could have died.. not to mention the other person

She drove me and skye around drunk so many times as children.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

5/19/24

6:07 a.m added to/Edited 6:20 a.m

The hardest thing about this injury and her alcoholism and the way she treats me is I have a hard time being nice to her. I can't stand her yet I love her so much and I have to cope with her death now.

I've been coping with it my entire life. I try to tell myself I'll forgive myself for being mean to her bc of what she did to me. Bc of what she did to this family. I try to be nice but it's so hard to look at her.

She also treats me like a monster cause of my ocd all my limitations... and sometimes she's like how can I help you but she's too drunk to help me and too mean all the time.

Behind those eyes is a really good person who is lost inside herself. She's like an empty vessel but I can see her hiding inside herself.

Six Feet Under:

"I think she hides inside herself, bc she's so afraid we will reject her. So let's don't. She's had enough heart ache for one lifetime."

How can I not resent her? How can I be nicer? I love her so much and it's so hard to look at the deadness in her eyes. And watch her kill herself slowly. When I can see the beautiful person behind the deadness. When I know somewhere in there my mother is hiding and she won't come out and no one can save her. She won't save herself and she won't accept help. She won't accept she needs help.

And I can't stand the things she's said to me. It's really hard cause I wanted to really bond with her. She would understand me better than my father. But she can't.

And in a way she's already dead. She's been dead for years.