dorotheac

[dorotheac]

Right?

[dorotheac]

3 years ago, on the Met rooftop, this photo was taken. (PC: @tinzies) 3 weeks ago, on that very same rooftop, my bestie @glopups got ENGAGED. (💍: @ragingnarwhale) Excitement for your engagement and future together cannot be contained! 🎉🍾💕 Also still waiting on my 🥩 & lob⭐️ dinner 💁🏻‍♀️. #tbt #themet #metrooftop #shesaidyes #engaged #yougoglokoko #kokoforglopups (at The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York)

[dorotheac]

Sara B.

Just gets me... 

[dorotheac]

2017

Was a year of beginnings, endings and all the things in between. Ultimately, I realize how easy it is to skew my perception of the entire year based on one or two things, when in reality, I have been blessed beyond comprehension. 

I traveled more than I’ve ever done in my life. I spent almost 20 consecutive weeks, Monday-Thursday in Nashville, Tennessee. 

I spent a day in Beacon, NY, visited DC for Memorial Day weekend, spent a day in Long Beach Island, celebrated 10 years of friendship with my AACF class of 2011 crew in the Poconos for the weekend of July 4th, enjoyed road tripping from Phoenix to Vegas with the fam- stopping by Antelope Canyon and Zion National Park along the way, flew to Toronto on a whim for Labor Day, took a day trip to the Catskills, visited my little brother over a weekend in New Hampshire, did two work trips in Oct./Early Nov. to Atlanta and middle of nowhere PA, spent Thanksgiving with extended family in Taiwan, shared a short weekend trip to Kyoto with a friend, had manager training in Orlando and stayed the following weekend to enjoy Universal Studios in the company of friends.

I celebrated 6 weddings - all local this year. 

I helped to coordinate and launch Pods, in addition to finishing up my term as Elder at City Grace Church after 2 years of service. 

I celebrated 10 years of living in NYC alongside my pastor and his family who also hit the same milestone, in the midst of friends and church fam- what an eventful and impactful 10 years its been.

I was in my first real relationship in over a decade - which started and ended in the blink of an eye - 5 months through which I learned, loved and learned some more. Part of it led me to spend more time in Brooklyn than I’ve spent in my entire 10 years in NYC. 

I dyed my hair for the first time. 

I was promoted to manager at EY after 6 years.

We moved out of our sitcom worthy apartment above the bar. And we became homeowners, by the grace of God and through help from our supportive parents. We got rid of my comfy brown couch after 6 years of having it with me in each of the 3 apartments I’ve lived in, and bought a fancy new sofa bed to replace it. Without a doubt, it will be a put to the test.

[dorotheac]

Starting Over

Went through my phone to delete random files and came across a surprisingly relevant live recording of this song: 

Starting Over By Cate Song

If I could start over again Then maybe I would not pretend That all these years I've hid my face That all this time I've felt displaced If I could start over again Then I'd be different than I've been If we could start over again Then maybe we would not have said Can we try being more than friends Would you stay with me 'til the end If we could start over again We might say what we really meant If I could start over again Then I'd try not to hide away But let my spirit feel the pain Then let these scars take time to fade If I could start over again My tattered heart might start to mend

[dorotheac]

Places to go

S. in London M. in Paris C. in Hawaii (til 2019)

Italy Greece Iceland Ireland Cuba Israel

Time for a trip or two or ten.

[dorotheac]

Come As You Are

Come out of sadness From wherever you've been Come broken hearted Let rescue begin Come find your mercy Oh sinner come kneel Earth has no sorrow That heaven can't heal Earth has no sorrow That heaven can't heal

So lay down your burdens Lay down your shame All who are broken Lift up your face Oh wanderer come home You're not too far So lay down your hurt Lay down your heart Come as you are

There's hope for the hopeless And all those who've strayed Come sit at the table Come taste the grace There's rest for the weary Rest that endures Earth has no sorrow That heaven can't cure

So lay down your burdens Lay down your shame All who are broken Lift up your face Oh wanderer come home You're not too far Lay down your hurt lay down your heart Come as you are Come as you are Fall in…

[dorotheac]

Track #10

Since the album “Friends and Foes” was released this past Christmas, I’ve been fielding a lot of private messages with questions regarding my sexual orientation due to a song called “Lay Your Burdens Down.”

The simple answer to those questions is: Yes, I am gay.

I know this may catch some of you off guard or confirm some long held suspicions - or maybe you simply don’t care. Either way, it is something I haven’t felt the need or desire to share publicly until now. This is perhaps the most terrifying thing I have ever done in my adult life and it came down to a decision between my career and my integrity. I realize by sharing this I may have just destroyed everything I have built this past decade. Seeing as today is my birthday, it’s fitting that this marks the end of a journey and the beginning of new one.

When we released our first album in 2007, we were immediately classified as a Contemporary Christian band because I happened to write songs about my faith. Even Wikipedia labeled us as such. While I never considered us as exclusively part of the CCM genre, I realized that we were now in a position to have a profound impact on peoples’ faiths. For this reason, I kept my orientation to myself for the past 10 years of my music career. I did not want to be publicly identified by something that’s only a part of what makes me who I am.

The other reason I kept it to myself was for the sake of the other people playing in my band. Every member was aware of who I was and they were all supportive, even though most of them held traditional theological stances. Because of this, it felt unfair to subject them to the inevitable questions and scrutiny that would accompany a public declaration of my orientation. It wasn’t their battle to fight and I did not want to jeopardize their ability to make a living as musicians. That is why when Andrew planned to leave this past year, it felt like the right time to share it.

One of my early memories of Sunday school was a teacher telling my junior high class that homosexuals were possessed by the devil. That statement would shape the way I related to God for the next decade of my life. I wrote “Lay Your Burdens Down” during the pinnacle of that struggle when I was convinced that God hated gay people - even celibate ones or ones trying to “cure” themselves. I saw it as a horrible curse – a predetermined condemnation for those destined for God’s wrath. And there was plenty of rhetoric coming from certain parts of the church to bolster this idea. I felt incredibly alone even though I had come out to most of my close friends and family. At the time I could only write the first two verses and choruses and then I shelved the song for 2 years. I didn’t know how to end the song because I had no answer for the question I was asking: “Does God love me?”

It was the question I had been asking myself for most of my life. The one question I agonized over late at night when I prayed to what often seemed like a silent and absent God. And then one day the words came to me for the 3rd verse:

They say I’m ruined but I’m only human They say it could be Satan, but God, I’m your creation What is and isn’t sin, I’ll let it go and let you in All this time I was praying, all this time you were saying: “Come lay your burdens down on me.”

It hit me like a ton of bricks and I burst into tears as I sang it. The revelation fundamentally changed my perspective not only on homosexuality but on Christianity as a whole. I had spent the greater part of my life trying to appease the wrath of a God who wasn’t even angry at me.

I used to be the king of religious behavior modification. I thought if I was holy enough, pure enough, chaste enough, God would tolerate me in spite of my “struggle.” But my legalism quickly spread like a disease to others in my life. I would feel actual rage when I saw other Christians behaving in ways that I thought were not in step with holy standards. I was jealous of their freedom so I tried to oppress them with my own enslavement and self-loathing.

But over time I began to realize that the heart of Christianity was not primarily about behavioral change. It’s firstly about spiritual change. It is about making a broken soul whole again and restoring its connection with the divine. Something that religious law could never do. The power of the gospel isn’t about scaring people out of hell but healing and restoring people from within. The Christian’s piety is not a result of strict adherence to rules, but the inevitable fruit of a soul that knows it is loved and forgiven by God.

I don’t know all the answers and I am by no means the spokesperson for all gay Christians. I didn’t come out to make a political statement or to criticize the church. I came out because I hear stories every month about people like me who want to die because they think God hates them. And when I think about how awful it felt as a 12 year old crying late at night while my family was asleep, I want to use whatever limited influence I have to give someone like me a little bit of hope. I am still learning in my own journey, and all I can be certain of is that God’s love must be foundational in that pursuit. If we withhold God’s love from those who we deem unworthy of it, then the gospel has no power and it is just impotent religiosity.

Whether homosexuality is sin or not is of little importance to me nowadays. It’s not that I don’t think it’s an important question, it’s just not the most important question. I have learned that it is often our obsession with sin avoidance that prevents us from ever really pursuing God himself. Still, some of you are probably curious where I have landed theologically on this issue.

The truth is, I really don’t know. And I hope there is room in the dialogue for that uncertainty. As far as my own personal life is concerned, I have been single and will continue to be single for the forseeable future. Not because I am convinced of homosexuality’s sinfulness but because I am at peace with my solitude. I’m not looking for a relationship because I no longer buy into the cultural narrative that you have to be married and have kids to fulfill your life’s calling… or to be happy. That may be an unsatisfactory answer for those of you who like definitive lines, but it is my honest answer. If you are convinced that homosexuality is indeed a sin and think that my stance is too soft, then by all means you are entitled to believe that. But whatever your beliefs may be, not a single one of us has the power to exile someone from the fold of God. And if there is wrongdoing to be reckoned with, I have faith that God is good enough and merciful enough to deal with our mistakes. All any of us can do is live the best lives we can with the information we have at hand.

I have never seen the world more divided than it has been in the past few years. We have stopped listening to one another and we relentlessly declare rhetorical and literal wars on those we disagree with. There was a time in my childhood when my best friend told me he would kill a homosexual if he ever met one. Today, he is the first one to stand in harm’s way to defend me and people like me. That didn’t happen from arguing with him or hurling insults at him. It happened because one summer after college I told him my story. I showed him the humanity behind the homosexuality. I told him about the loneliness, the constant feeling of condemnation no matter how hard I tried to be good. I told him how one night I sat on a bed with a knife in my hand contemplating ending my life because I thought God had forgotten me. My story materialized something that he had always seen as an unrelatable enigma. It didn’t change his mind. It changed his heart.

For those of you out there who feel like there are parts of you that are too terrible or shameful for God, those of you who have cried yourself to sleep wishing you had been born a different person, I have been in those same dark places and I will shine a light for you as you find your way. Unload that heavy weight you’ve been carrying. It doesn’t matter if you are gay, straight or somewhere inbetween; your story and journey matter regardless of how different or abnormal it appears. Anyone who tells you God hates you has never really known him.

The devil’s greatest deception is convincing us that only another person can determine when we are worthy of love. But no mortal man or institution is the gatekeeper to the heart of God. All that he asks of us is this: “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Love one another and be free,

Tim

[dorotheac]

This movie. I can’t get over it. 

♫ A bit of madness is key To give us new colors to see ♫

La La Land (2016) dir. Damien Chazelle 

[dorotheac]

For more references.

[dorotheac]

4 things

In no particular order:

1. Physical attraction

2. Emotional connection

3. Intellectual compatibility

4. Timing

Revised to include: 

5. Alignment in values and goals for the future

[dorotheac]

Storytelling

I think I’m getting worse at telling stories. Lately I’ve found myself just stringing words together and repeating them, simply so I don’t forget. I remember specific details and go off on tangents trying to recall feelings and putting them into words. I may begin but there’s little indication of where I may end- just onward until my thoughts jumble together and I’m lost. Ask me again and I’ll start with the same details, color them only slightly differently before we end up in the same place again.

I’m experiencing something different. Something that I can’t say no to, not yet. I’ve been given no reason to be afraid or to run and hide. I’ve been met with only more openness and boldness. But I still don’t know. 

What was I saying? Ah, yes. Stories.

[dorotheac]

What exactly does it mean/look like for a Christian man to lead a Christian woman in the context of a dating relationship?

I don’t think that should be part of the dating dynamic at all.

I don’t know why we have been taught that this ideology applies to dating, so let me just come right out and say it: As a boyfriend, you have no business being her leader. She already has a leader, and so do you, so both of you should be focused on your roles as followers. The role of leadership only pertains to you if you are discipling/mentoring other men who are spiritually younger. In regards to your relationship, leading is a responsibility entrusted to a man once he and a woman become one and they belong to one another in a covenant (and I think that dynamic is a lot more egalitarian than we’ve been taught, but that’s a topic of its own). Until two become one, you are not “the head,” and she has no obligation or reason to submit to you or follow you. That role of authority is one of great responsibility—both an honor and a challenge to accept from the Lord. But no guy has any authority over a girl in a dating relationship. You are both essentially single… there is only active symbolism of commitment and exclusivity, but it isn’t a union, and I don’t believe it should have the infrastructure of one. No girl is entrusted to her boyfriend, and I think when we act like they are (even with good intention), it projects elements of codependency and forced intimacy, neither of which are edifying in a dating relationship. 

Leading another person’s heart is not something you’re called to do, expected to do, or even equipped to do. It’s totally out of your role description. Focus on following Jesus individually—seeking, growing, and learning independently. This means that you are both equally responsible for your own personal spiritual health. You are both held to a standard of purity, and you’re held accountable to God, not to each other. You are both responsible for guarding your own individual hearts. You are both called to honor God by honoring each other, and when you both do that, neither of you should have any reason to compromise the people you are called to be in light of the gospel. So, don’t worry about leading. Take that weight off your shoulders because God never put it there. Unlearn the preaching of dating culture that is made up of spiritualized opinions–well meaning, yet not necessarily biblical. We’ve got to stop trying to imitate marriage in our dating lives. It leads to confusion, frustration, and unnecessary challenges that imitate intimacy that isn’t supposed to be present outside of a covenant.

[dorotheac]

The Christian is no longer tethered to results or recognition. When you remove the umbilical cord of self-validation and plug into the cosmic constancy of God, you’ll taste a reckless freedom and joy in all you do. You quit getting nervous on the other end. A good turn-out is a bonus and not a verdict. Talent is not the ceiling on success. Your past is not a time-stamp of the world’s critical eye. The God-given capacity to serve is its own reward. It isn’t for applause, but out of gratitude. And your excellence is not crafted for praise, but for its very own existence: just as God loves you, simply for existing. Can you imagine? You wouldn’t care how you look, what you lose, or what you can and can’t do. Such a person is fearless. You’d simply be you.At the feet of True Greatness, you find a humble strength to become who you always knew you could be.

J.S. Park (via jspark3000)

So convicted.

[dorotheac]

I don’t need fancy words and fiery language. Flowers and fireworks don’t impress me. I just want to know if you’re for real though.

J.S. (via jspark3000)

Don’t get me wrong. I do like flowers and fireworks are nice, but - I’d much rather be real.