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Addams Family Values (1993) dir. Barry Sonnenfeld
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But I'll still believe though there's cracks you'll see,
When I'm on my knees I'll still believe,
And when I've hit the ground, neither lost nor found,
If you'll believe in me I'll still believe.
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Last night I had a dream that I got the opportunity to apologize to Parker in person for the way I acted when I lived in LA. This is something that has weighed heavy on my mind from time to time & there have been SO many times I’ve been tempted to reach out to him just to be able to explain.
I’m not the same girl I was when I lived in LA. I’m not that weak, selfish person who blamed everyone else for problems I needed to own. I think I’ve always wanted the opportunity to say, “Hey, look at me now. Look how much I’ve grown. I even eat sushi!” Obviously that’s just the tip of the iceberg for all the things I want to say and apologize for. I think I’ve carried the guilt from my actions in LA longer than I care to admit.
In a way, the dream was a bit therapeutic because I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to apologize face to face and that’s a fact I just need to accept. I know I deserve to be happy just as much as he deserves to be happy. Even though I was so ashamed for the way I acted, I’m grateful that I was able to learn and grow from the experience. When you go through an experience that breaks you, you have two choices: you can be angry & blame the world for all the bad that’s happening to you or you can take accountability, own up to your mistakes & change so that those mistakes never happen again.
That break up broke me for awhile, but now I understand how much more it hurts to feel so alone when you’re in a relationship. To have no support from your partner. To have your partner take out all their anger on you for shit in their life that isn’t even your fault. I learned immediately after the break up that I never wanted to be the reason someone I loved so deeply felt so lost & depressed because of my actions. To be the reason that the only way they could feel happy again was by letting me go because I was just dragging them down. It’s not an easy thing to do and I have so much respect for him for taking control of his own happiness.
Having to go through these past three years what I put him through in LA used to feel like a punishment. But now I know, I needed to take control of my own happiness just as he did. I understand now how we tend to rely on other people to make us happy when in reality it’s no one’s responsibility but your own. It’s not your partner’s responsibility to make you whole. You make yourself whole & a healthy partner is just a wonderful addition.
Today, I am not weak, selfish or insecure. I am strong, capable, determined, loyal, full of empathy & kindness. I have so much love to give & rather than continually giving it to toxic men who didn’t deserve it, I should have been giving it to myself. In the words of Sansa Stark, I’m a slow learner, but I learn. I love myself so much. I will never lower my standards again. I am extremely grateful, happy & fulfilled. & if I find someone who can compliment my life in a healthy way, then wonderful. If not then at least I won’t be giving the best parts of myself to someone who doesn’t deserve it.
Now maybe I don’t need to carry the guilt of my past actions any longer. That dream may be the only kind of closure I get & I hope somewhere out there, Parker is happy, healthy & loved. I hope he can feel the weight of these words & forgive a girl who was young & selfish. But more importantly, I know I forgive that girl. She’s always growing, learning & evolving and I am SO proud of her.
-A
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My body is like a lightning rod. Capsize me and douse me in your bay.
A shiver of want, always, when you are on the tip of my tongue.
In the back of your parked car, I could build a fort and play all day between your lips, and mine.
Let's stay here forever.
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