doyouordoyounot

[doyouordoyounot]

I recently cut my hair short, the one i finally liked. Had a slign small bag arcross my chess. and dressed the usual but a little presentable. I was holding a bouquet on my left hand, and holding nervously my right on my bag strap. The elevator trip added to that.

As the elevator door opened, I take the usual left and then right tot he hallway toward your apartment. While looking at the beautiful bouquet of dried flowers. As i look up when I noticed two silouhette along the hallway, I saw you. and her. Getting ready to leave.

All of my air inside my body escaped and I suddenly had a hard time to take it in. But it became clear after a few second. I couldnt help but smile. I removed my face mask as you two were staring at me with confusion. Then I showed you my smile. A genuine smile. I couldnt help but follow a tear as I smiled. I nodded my head as a gesture that its okay. Everything will be fine. You go.

I looked at the flowers with self-pity. then I turned my back, and walked away. It was the only way. As i was entering the elevator I felt the bridges crashing down. There's no turning back. I watch the doors close, as the curtain and lights turn dark on our story. It was the last page.

[doyouordoyounot]

oct 26, 2022 // 2:40am

i dont know how to feel what to feel

im writing this entry to help myself process what i want, my hopes, and hopefully make my eyes and mind clear of what should be felt, what i should think.

i dont know why everything is blurry to me. i used to feel that i dont have any feelings for you anymore, i dont care for you anymore. what ever you do, it doesnt matter to me.

but i know i really hurt you from what i said. and nothing could take that hurt back. no matter what i do or what i say. i want to say im really sorry. i really am. i hope i could turn back time. i was so harsh on you. i knew u still had feelings but i didnt care. i regret what i did. i regeret making you feel bad, sad, lonely, and alone. i always want us to be in good terms but i know thats not gonna happen anymore. so i have to live with it forever.

i will keep on wishing for you happiness. i just want you to be happy. more than anything. despite all that happened to us.

i do miss you. i miss us talking, and in good terms. still, i know i dont want us to be together. because of all the bagagge around ourselves, i dont think i can. but i really miss you. and im really sorry. i know i cant do anything anymore. i feel like youre already in the process of moving on. it makes me smile, honestly. but i dont know why there's a tear that comes along with my smile. i still dont know why im hurting now that you are totally gone. do i still love you? or is still just because i care for you. or is still because im selfish? i dont want to be selfish. i just want you to be okay. thats all.

i dont know why im still writing. what do i want from this? i feel like im going on circles.

if i could, and if im still relevant, i just want to say... im still gonna be here. no matter what, yuoure still welcome in my life. even as just a friend. i shouldnt be the one saying this. maybe because i want you to? i dont know. ireally dont know.

bottomline is. i hope youre okay. youre doing things that youre happy. its sad that i wont be there. but ireally do hope eveything u do, brings you happiness. i wish your plans becomes reality. and if there's someone beside you cheering and holding your hand along theway while you achieve your dreams, thats good and better. i just wanna see you smile. i just want to see your smile. it brings me happiness too. idont know why. i think becuase you still hold so much space in my life nad heart. idont know if this is love. or just care. but yes, you do. so take care of yourself. i love you justine. that love will never go away. maybe so does the pain that comes with it now that youre really gone. :) i dont know what im saying really. im jsut spewing words into texts. just be okay, okay? i wanna breathe clearly. i just want to be okay again. u being okay, is enough for me. i dont want to think you cried, were hurt, or naything negative because of me. i know theres nothing special with me, so i hope im not doing any damage to you anymore. you deserve the best. and only the best. im gonna take a deep breath now. and hopefully this will help me really let go of whatever im feeeling....

[doyouordoyounot]

This day still hurts...

[doyouordoyounot]

Unsent letter #6

We are both hurting.. i wish i can be there to help you, give you a helping hand, do the things you dont feel like doing. I wish i can look you in the eyes while you tell me everything that frustrates you, everything that worries you or troubles you.. like i always do. I still care.. but im sorry i cant give you those anymore. It hurts for the both of us.. but therrs nothing we can do but to be strong... It will hurt.. so much.. imagine all the years we ve been together, the love, all the time, turned to nothing...just a memory.. I loved you so much.. more than i could take. But its over now.. our book has ended. This is it.

[doyouordoyounot]

sent letter #1

please dont.. i dont think i can play w u anymmore. it's feels wrong for me. i know to myself, little by little, kinakaya ko. sa bawat pagpigil ko imessage ka rin, sagutin mga kwento mo. may sense of relief.. kahit kaunti lang. kasi masakit parin na makita na sa dami dami mong message saakin, mga kwento mo, ni-isa wala akong masagot sayo, ni isa hindi ko hinahayaan sarili ko.. masakit na alam kong mapapagod ka any time soon.. kahit gustong gusto ko parin replyan ka, u know ayoko na bumalik doon kung ganon parin ang situation.

If only u knew.. how much i wanted to reply to you. I really do. But u have someone else... Because of your constant msgs, i tend to forget… That u still have someone else.. i have to keep reminding myself that.. everytime im struggling to not reply.. i have to go thru the painful memories just to help myself say no.. I want to talk to u too, i wanna know how was it w ur mom? Why did u finally say it to her? Did she ask why, did u tell her why, did u tell her about ur new one..? I wanna ask u, what course ur gonna take, why did u change it.. i wanna tell u why did u let the cats mate… Im gonna have a hard time taking care of both and a litter more.. i wanna tell u, but its okay because i love them both.. i want to tell u that i will still see u if u come over here… i wanna tell u i wanna play spellbreak w u too.. i want to ask u how are you feeling, are u taking care of yourself, do u still have fever, are you eating right, are you drinking enough water... i hope u know even tho u dont have me anymore, even tho im not replying, im trying to show u that im here listening to ur stories.. i know i shouldnt anymore.. i know i shouldnt because u still cant let go of her. kahit sa paglaro natin, i know i shouldnt be playing w u.. but i got weak.. sobra yung tibok ng puso ko. hindi ko alam kung kinakabahan o ano. hindi ko pa alam kung bakit, kung dahil ba sa effect ng laht ng sakit na naramdaman ko sayo.. o sa thought na never magiging ako.

masakit at nakakagalit. nagagalit ako sa sarili ko.nafeel ko na ang tanga ko to even feel things from all the messages you sent me.. nafeel ko na ang tanga ko para paniwalaan uli yung mga sinabi mo saakin. na lulubayan mo na kaming dalawa, na kaya mong iwan yung rason kung bakit tayo ganito. kahit mahirap paniwalaan, hindi ko alam.. naniwala parin ako sa araw na yon. nag ka hope nanaman ako.. pero in reality, u will never...I believed u many times, and i got hurt in the process. So no matter how many times u tell me ur gonna do it, actions will speak louder..

at one point, gusto kong maging okay uli, mag move on, para someday, oo, gusto kong bumalik sayo. gusto kong tayo uli, yung masaya, wala ng darating na sakit.. may hope parin ako na someday maging tayo uli.. kahit malayo kana sa mga panahong yon. may hope parin ako na sana.. pero nawala lahat ng yon nung hindi mo kinayang bitawan siya at gawin talaga ung mga pinagusapan natin.

yes, u told me, u miss me.. u miss the comfort i give to you... but that's all u would want, right..? just the feeling of comfort from me.. not the whole me. i feel like im just a leftover u need.... because u already have someone who can make you laugh, who cares more about u, who can talk to you anytime, who gets your vibe more... and as everyday passes, both of your feelings keep growing.. and there's nothing to stop it. i cant do anything about that.. but just accept..

everything is still broken here.. im still healing. playing w u was a step back for me.. im sorry, i gave in. my heart and mind are still not at peace whenever im doing something w u, or just the thought of u near.. i just hope you're always okay.. all i can do is pray and hope that you're taking good care of youreslf.. all i could wish now for us is the what ifs..

please, also, dont forget, always remember.. cats are mine before u leave (including kittens, if there are). that is the only thing that will never change, regardless of the situation. ok?

[doyouordoyounot]

Unsent letter #5

If only u knew.. i wanted to reply to you. I really do. But u have someone else.. still. Because of your constant msgs, i tend to forget... That u still have someone else.. i have to keep reminding myself that.. everytime im struggling to not reply.. i have to go thru the painful memories just to help myself say no.. what r u doing... Why do u keep on telling me these things when we both know im not gonna be the one. How can u still say those things when u know theres someone loving u, when theres someone u feel for.. what r u doing to me..? What am i here..? I want to talk to u too, i wanna know how was it w ur mom? Why did u finally say it to her? Did she ask why, did u tell her why, did u tell her about ur new one..? I wanna ask u, what course ur gonna take, why did u change it.. i wanna tell u why did u let the cats mate... Im gonna have a hard time taking care of both and a litter more.. i wanna tell u, but its okay because i love them both.. i want to tell u that i will still see u if u come over here... i hope u know even tho im not replying im trying to show u that im here listening to ur stories.. i know i shouldnt anymore.. but youre making it hard for me too.. i know i shouldnt because u still cant let go of her. I believed u many times, and i got hurt in the process. So no matter how many times u tell me ur gonna do it, actions will speak louder.. i still wont reply to u, unless u do the right thing.. i hope u know that.

[doyouordoyounot]

Unsent letter #4

Its been four days since you told me that youll stop everything w her.. looks like you cant really do it. Why did i even expect you really can. Why did i even believe those words from you. I should have known better. This is hopeless.. its always have been. Now this is all making me realize that its a mistake to even feel things from all the messages you keep sending me.. the i miss yous, the i love yous, the i cant stoo thinking about you.. even thru this small thing, i still feel betrayed and lied on to.. now im regretting to say things like i miss u too in my head.. it keeps going on circles.. i know there will come a time where i have to tell myself to not believe you anymore.. i wish for a time where your words won't have the same power as it now holds to me. This is hopeless... This is hopeless... My mind tells me you really want to continue things w her.. and if that happens, i dont know how much anger and pain i can take..

This makes it sooner... At first i was just thinking of maybe puting u on my ignored msgs.. but now.. its gonna be sooner because of this.. im now considering blocking u... Maybe breaking bridges is better..

[doyouordoyounot]

Unsent letter #3

I can feel my progress... Tho its a small step, i know its still progress. Within these few days.. i know im healing.. the pain isnt strong than it was before. I know this because every time i say to our friends that we re not togather anymore.. the effect it gives me isnt the same like the first time. I can finally say it now with more ease, i can finally even just say it now.. but im not sure if this is healing or accepting, or maybe just getting used to it... But i guess they all come from the same circle, right? All of these are part of healing i guess.. and ill take whatever i can to build myself again. I know its important for me to be aware of my emotions and state of mind.. and im proud of this little achievement of mine.. im getting there :')

[doyouordoyounot]

Unsent letter #2

Even if i dont reply, know that im always answering.. but only in my head. I wanna tell you i miss you too.. i wanna tell you that i still love you.. because of coirse i still do. I will always do.. that will never change.

Even if i dont message u, theres no day that u didnt cross my mind. Everyday i think about u.. how you r doing, what did u do, how did ur day go, how ur feeling.. i wish i could ask that, i wish i could talk to u about it..

I will never say that i dont love you anymore. I wont say i dont want to love u anymore.. i cant say that..

My heart wants to answer your calls, my heart wants to reply to u.. but most of it is still in pain...

I dont want to block u.. because for me.. this is the only connection we have.. this is the only way left i can show u that im still here, open to u and u to me. If i do block u, all bridges will fall...

Even if i dont reply.. you msgs give me comfort.. just seeing ur msgs makes me feel ur still there.. staring at them makes me feel like im on a vidcall w u.. idk how i feel that.. I can feel that these msgs will soon turn into silence... I can feel that you re gonna be tired from msging me and receiving nothing. And i know that, i understand. Im the one not replying but i just wanna say how i feel whenever u msg me. But of course the pain is still there.. even tho i feel comfort, my thoughts and heart still feel the hurt.. the struggle.

[doyouordoyounot]

Unsent letter #1

Every since i left sa condo. Its always been you on my mind. Not reminiscing us, not wanting to get in touch.. but wanting to get you out of my mind. Im trying so hard to forget you, us. Everytime you message me, you call me, its so hard to fight myself. I always almost answered you. For every message u sent me, i was always spending so many minutes staring at them. This is hard for me too. But if i answered u, if i replied, i know magpapaikot ikot nanaman tayo. Maguusap ulit, magtatawagan, tapos ganon nanaman ung setup.. wala naman nagbabago. Nageexpect lang ako at naghihintay.. alam ko na hindi mo naman mabibigay sakin yung mga bagay na hinihiling ko nalang sa utak ko. Na piliin ako, mahalin nalang uli ako, na kalimutan lahat, sya. Alam ko hindi mo na yun magagawa.

Narealize ko habang nasayo ako sa condo. Habang nandun ako, at notif ng notif ang viber mo, yung feeling na hindi naman na tayo mababalik sa dati. Yung realization na may naffeel ka na sa ibang tao. Yung way ng pag crumble ng relationship natin. Yung walang sawa kong pag hope na gawin mo na yung tama. Yung feeling na alam kong kinakausap mo siya. Yung paglingon lingon ko kapag nabbusy ka sa phone mo. Yung feeling na naiinis ka sa twing ginagawa ko yon, sa twing nagtatanong ako. Yung frustrations.. lahat ng feeling at thoughts na yun, ayoko ng maramdaman. Pagod na pagod na ako masaktan, magisip, at maparanoid. Ayoko ng masaktan. Ayoko ng madisappoint. Ayoko na mag expect sa wala. Ayoko na mag hope, dahil alam ko wala naman na matutunguhan yon.. ayoko na mag stand by lang, kung hindi lang rin namam ako lang. Ayoko na ng ganitong situation. Walang wala na ako. 3 months of pain and hope is enough for me..

I stayed there to make the most out of our time together. I was already slowly letting go. I know theres already an end to this. I hope u made the most of your time too. That was our time.. and its over now. Im done accepting. This is me moving on.. letting go of you... Letting go of all the years we ve been together.. the feeling of holding your hand.. being beside you everyday.. sleeping w u.. hugging you.. doing chores w u.. doing groceries together.. eating out.. chatting everyday.. calling until we fall asleep.. all of our travels together.. the feeling of just being w u.. im letting go all of it. I am always gonna be thankful for them. Even for the bad times.. for all the lessons. We came so far, it really sucks that it has to end.. and in this way. A future with you beside me is better.. but, i know that cant happen anymore. I still think of the things i imagined. Waking up together, making u coffee and breakfast.. seeing u off go to work, celebrating all of your achievements in life, whether small or big. I imagined that future w u, where we are both settled down, together.. but now i can only just imagine what would it feel like..

We made this choice. I am already decided.. This is it. I can only hope that youre happy everyday. And choose what makes you happy. I hope youre always okay. And not let yourself down. Take care of yourself.. I hope we do better.. dont let the next person in your life experience what i experienced.. nobody should ever go through that.. thank you for all the love, care, and time you gave me. Good bye, justine..

[doyouordoyounot]

I wonder how it feels like to do what youre doing.. should i try it for myself..?

[doyouordoyounot]

Kapag cold, may kalokohang ginawa.

[doyouordoyounot]

Simple lang. Hindi ako naging sapat sayo. Ayun lang yon.

[doyouordoyounot]

Parang ako yung naging kabit... 😪

[doyouordoyounot]

Yung nahuli na, pero ayaw pang aminin.. nakakabaliw. Hindi nalang magpakatotoo 😪

[doyouordoyounot]

If someone asks if im okay, i feel like im gonna breakdown..

[doyouordoyounot]

Attention is not love.

Attachment is not connection.

Bare minimum is not effort.