doyourequirefirstaid

[doyourequirefirstaid]

@unicronnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom

NO IT DOESN'T, FUCK YOU

“Hate and embarrassment are still emotions, dingus.” And so is love (of cooking). And loss (from losing baking pans).

Aside from that, First Aid has finally managed to collab with Nautica and Swerve to make Quantum Pudding, so he’s going to slide the huge bowl toward the blanket mound that is currently Unicron. It’s chocolate-cherry hadron flavoured and he’s put a last-minute anti-theft spell over it.

[doyourequirefirstaid]

“I don’t care how upset you all are or what problems in life you have, y’all have GOT to stop using Unicron as a punching bag. It has feelings and emotions, you know.”

[doyourequirefirstaid]

He accidentally took an unscheduled nap.

Whatever. It’s his day off.

[doyourequirefirstaid]

🖤

[doyourequirefirstaid]

Oh -- spiders. Right.

Well... as long as they aren't bigger than he is, it should be fine.

[doyourequirefirstaid]

"Optionally-leashed Herald playdates for one deluxe oven," First Aid agrees, and even though he finds Unicron generally honest and upfront, he tacks on, "and only an oven, not some weird ephemeral claim on my spark." Best to dot his i's and cross his t's, just in case. His family will kill him if he dies and doesn't end up in the Well with them, and material immortality sounds pretty shitty.

He's cool with sparkles or an epic burn weld, though. First Aid offers out his hand. "Um. Shake on it?"

There's a pause.

( REQUEST ACCEPTED. ADDENDUM TO UNICRON'S END: TWO LEASHES PER HERALD TO KEEP THE BITING DOWN. )

The scales balance. Heralds are truly worth so little that it adds to its own half, just to make certain the trade is truly fair. That and the repeated poking at its side from Rodimus (whose own trade was for the safety of his crew, even if he is absolutely stretching that definition).

At the final acceptance from Aid, the deal will be made. Maybe with a few sparkles, a burning wrist, or a flutter of some ethereal paper signed in blood or something. Dramatic nonsense and whatnot.

[doyourequirefirstaid]

"An amount approximate to a couple of hours a day, to be used up at mine and their discretion in a reasonable fashion within the course of a week or two, without rollover." It's important to get ahead of any accusations of hoarding hours if First Aid has a busy month and can't visit. "Probably just a few Heralds at a time, depending on who wants to hang out; and I'm not allowed to steal all of them from you for more than a few hours, and only once every couple of months." To... play baseball, or something.

"The time cannot be infringed upon by harassment on your part or stupid curses, like you turning Airazor into a potato right before I visit. But you're allowed to hang out if you behave." He likes Unicron, too, after all. Even if it's nonsensical. "And neither of us are allowed to unreasonably exploit any possible loopholes."

"The oven will be brand new, the latest available model of my choosing, but with no less than five add-ons, shipped express from Caminus and paid for with my fanfiction earnings." He has... a tidy sum set aside, and he's really not spending it on anything but his tab at Swerve's and adding to his brother Rodimus's videogame collection.

@doyourequirefirstaid replied...

"Trade offer. You receive: an excellent luxury oven from Caminus. I receive: chill hangout hours with your Heralds."

( ELABORATE ON HOURS REQUESTED AND AMOUNT OF HERALDS REQUIRED. )

The scales are wobbling. It is a thing of equal measures, one for one in the weight of value and worth. No trade is inequal. In the moment it is made, at least.

It likes the idea of a nice oven. It only uses the best, after all. And it really sees the Heralds as nearly worthless most of the time. But there's a history of want here, a value given by the other side of the barter, and such must be accounted for.

[doyourequirefirstaid]

[doyourequirefirstaid]

tomei/透明愛好家@tomeinohito 星降る夜空のゼリーケーキ。

[doyourequirefirstaid]

@trustme-imamedic said:

First Aid what is that in your hand

“Uh.” Sets his beaker of caff-en and brandy on the counter behind him and sliiiiides it out of sight. “Nothing?”

[doyourequirefirstaid]

+

[doyourequirefirstaid]

Oh, it stopped. Little victories! Although all the staring is a little unnerving.

“And how fair and upfront was the offered deal, exactly? What extenuating circumstances drove them to you?” His tone is more probing than accusatory. “People will do terrible things when they’re afraid or angry or grieving. You of all people should know.”

He taps one foot thoughtfully. “Come on, math is fake. There are imaginary numbers, square roots of negative integers, the absolute pudding that is quantum mathematics.” Oh. It likes inventive food, maybe he can cheer it up bribe it with quantum pudding…? He’ll ask Nautica how to make some. Things to work on later. “Everything has loopholes, or black holes.”

Time to be a little mean again.

“Besides, Galvatron and his Trine got out. It can be done.”

@doyourequirefirstaid chided...

“You are SO mean to him. And for WHAT.”

( BECAUSE HE IS PART OF A PUNISHMENT GRANTED TO ALL UNICRON, PASSED ABOUT AS SOON AS ABLE )

Shakeshakeshake.

[doyourequirefirstaid]

“One of these days I’m going to figure out how all this abracadabra Cthulhu bullshit works, and when I do, I’m gonna legally repossess whichever of your heralds left that still have independent thought.” He points at the bedraggled Rodicron. “Starting with him.”

@doyourequirefirstaid chided...

“You are SO mean to him. And for WHAT.”

( BECAUSE HE IS PART OF A PUNISHMENT GRANTED TO ALL UNICRON, PASSED ABOUT AS SOON AS ABLE )

Shakeshakeshake.

[doyourequirefirstaid]

“I can fix him.”

[doyourequirefirstaid]

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[doyourequirefirstaid]

“Dreadwing, that is disgusting.” Contrary to his words, he’s giggling.

[doyourequirefirstaid]

Annoying and endearing by turns. Awful and pitiable and weirdly naive.

Stupid stupid Unicron.