dr-ingasmccringus

[dr-ingasmccringus]

5.6.2025.

Mood: Lost. Tired. I gotta shut up.

Notes:

It's kinda clear I haven't been doing my part. That being said, I think I have been kinda out there mentally just trying to survive and cope with the whole end of times thing. I thought my future would involve green. Lush food forest or a beautiful garden, with bees buzzing by and the flowers humming with their activity in the morning. Sitting out on the porch with a cup of tea and seeing the morning mist settle on the grass and turn to dew.

It's clear I get none of that.

So kinda coping with that. I thought my purpose was to end up in that situation. To druid it up really. I don't get that. I will never be able to have that.

I can't really feel bad about it though, cause I have to still be me. Still produce. Still be dad, and still provide safety and value. Still be emotionally solid, and not need care. Which I haven't been.

I really don't think video games are in the cards for me anymore. Relaxing in general is going to have to change shape to something more framed in a way that I can make others more relaxed. I need to be there for those in my life who are scared and upset.

Where does that leave me though? Who knows. Who cares. Just get into shape, mentally and physically, you utter piece of shit.

[dr-ingasmccringus]

I'm just tired.

All the time. I'm really fucking burnt out. This whole fighting the fash stuff is really exhausting, and I'm finding I'm neglecting my own relationships in my rage against the machine.

I'm so fucking angry. Just all the time. Day by day, bit by bit, absolute morons destroy the world and rape the planet. All I want to do is just enjoy nature. Hear the birds sing, see the bugs work, and feel the breeze. These people hate all the good in this world. The pope, who was one of the people who liked and cherished the good, just fucking died.

My true parents, the grandparents of me, are all dying or faculties are being lost. It feels very lonely, and like I have a massive responsibility on my shoulders.

[dr-ingasmccringus]

I really gotta be better about keeping up with these.

I think everything has been getting so much worse so quickly that I kinda tapped out. I am just so angry that Americans wanted this bullshit. I hate how much this has affected our future, we just wanted a little piece of the pie.

Now all I want is my wife to come home safe without being harassed by some gestapo fuckboys. Can't believe I even wrote that sentence in 2025.

It's hard to feel good about anything right now, but I know I have it good. I have a wonderful little family, and a job that pays well enough.

I just wish I wasn't born to help reinforce a lie. It really hurts knowing that's all I am.

[dr-ingasmccringus]

Exhausted

I must continue, but wowie am I just spent. I am so angry that I have to live through both others fucking around and finding out around me.

I think this speaks to my broader issue with telling the truth - I think I find others emotions to be quite a lot to handle and for the sake of simplicity I just shut people out or down to avoid dealing with it. In doing so I'm shutting out the one good part of my life with my wife. I need to figure out how to be more mindful of being truthful with her in all things, even when it's a lot of effort to do so.

I'm just tired of though man. The whole of my life has been spent trying to scrounge enough together to survive. I'm tired of surviving. I want to rest a bit.

Why is it so hard to be gentle? Do I think I don't deserve that? Maybe none of us do is what I think deep down? I don't know. Just want a fucking nap

[dr-ingasmccringus]

Not a whole lot to say besides being tired.

Each weekend feels shorter than the last. The time is wonderful, but it passes like running water whereas the workweek moves like thick oil.

I feel like I'm living my life to make it through this time. I'm fatter than I have ever been. I'm out of shape. I'm exhausted.

Instead of blaming others, it may be best for me to try to work on it myself. But to be frank, I'm really tired of how much has to be done to combat people who have never experienced much pain.

The whole situation is like a cut that is made in already a badly healed scar. It's definitely going to leave a horrendous mark now.

Also, aunty Janet died I guess

[dr-ingasmccringus]

Feb 10th, 2025

Kinda exhausted. I really loathe my job. I think I hate myself for even going into this line of work to be honest, but what options were there?

We made it through another week of fascism, and are on to the next. I'm so tired of having to be a part of such a fucked up society, and being a part of the rat race. I want off the ride. I want a garden. I want to cuddle with my wife and cat. I just want to fucking relax a bit like I was told I may get to do, rather than constantly being worried about what comes next in fascism. It's exhausting.

I am grateful for the life I have though. I know I have it much better than most

[dr-ingasmccringus]

Feb 4, 2025

I'm kinda wiped

But in the end with all this it doesn't really matter does it? I think this has always been how humans have been. I simply need to get better at managing my stress as it relates to the environment around me.

I can't react. Or at least it seems unwise. If I react, there is a reaction. Everywhere. So become plain. Smooth.

I'm grateful for my wife and my little katto boy.

I do this stuff for them. I wish I could do it for myself, but quite frankly if they were gone, I would disappear like a fart in the wind - the world would know none the wiser.

I don't matter, but I matter to them, so I have to continue. And I shouldn't ease up, or bad things will happen. Remain vigilant, you fucking paste creature

[dr-ingasmccringus]

I am really just not supposed to be alive man. All I have is my use

[dr-ingasmccringus]

Keep struggling

Today I feel tired. Like really, is that anything new? No. But worth mentioning i guess. I am glad to have the wonderful little family I do.

Today we said no to Xmas down in VA this year. It will complicate the next year birthday wise but eh tbh I never really cared about my bday much anyways. Each day is somehow so full of work to do but also a step towards absolution.

We currently are operating as if fascism isn't on the horizon as a country. It's crazy. I'm really tired of playing the game with humans.

Is it just my own shittiness that's making me want to leave though? I just want a small plot of land for the family.

I have to start exercising again. I feel deep shame for not being who I said I would be in this moment. But the effort to get to that timeline is crazy and damn am I already spent. I have to pay more for therapy even too. Fucking hell man.

[dr-ingasmccringus]

Being a dad is weird. or a man? Idk. But I feel very lonely for some reason. Maybe cause the facilitator aspect of things is a bit hard to accept but in the end it's probably for the best. I think I need to be more judicious with my energy expending, and part of that is being mad. Anger is a tool, and I've dulled it with applying it to everything.

People are predictably shitty. Things are predictably shitty. you knew about this years ago. How are you regaining your health? Or are you starting the fight with half and throwing a fit when you get ko'd?

Breathe and try to spend the time you can with who you have. There's not much left really.

[dr-ingasmccringus]

8.20.2024

I'm kinda conflicted. So while over time I am glad that we have done everything we could to make sure we aren't too affected by the shitstorm of politics in the current day, I'm kinda pissed about how much gaslighting or stupidity has occurred along the way.

No one seems to want to listen to anything we say. And when success is achieved, they want to steal elements of it. Humans kinda seem like parasites in large part given this.

Anyways though, I am really grateful for everything I have.

Great landlord, incredible wife and little furbaby that I can cuddle lovingly with each night, I have a full fridge, and full belly.

I don't think I have the flexibility with my job prospects that I thought I did. I was putting a WHOLE lot of effort into finding a new job, but I'm not sure about doing that at all anymore.

If there's realistically no jobs, and no better pay, then why the fuck would I spend so much energy on this stuff? nah. I need to do the most I can to build my own business, cause there's no way I will be hired by any company that wants to treat me like a fucking human being. So I will do it myself.

Lucky I got the upcoming vacation, it's going to be needed to figure out what I can do to make more money and more stability.

Looking at the past stuff, I'm glad I finally am putting more focus on myself and just focusing on what counts in my proximity.

[dr-ingasmccringus]

I'm really greatful to have such stability amidst such crazy times. I feel upset due to the times, but I'm able to cuddle with my wife and child in a warm bed.

I've come a long way in terms of reminding myself to be grateful of things. I just wish I could have had a little more of the life the boomers had and at least be able to own property.

It really was an oof moment when Grandpa said we wanted a family but we couldnt.

That whole thing was an oof moment man.

I think I've progressed in my ability to self regulate in stress, but I do knee jerk into anger with constant stress. It makes sense, but I kinda just get angry or implode and want to cry, but I never seem to be able to cry. Fuiyo. At least we have such an incredible wife don't we?

What a joy it is to be loved by a woman so great as she.

[dr-ingasmccringus]

I don't know how much my feelings matter. In the end, I'm as good as I'm worth in output.

So I should be happy to produce. In the end, someone always has to get burned.

[dr-ingasmccringus]

Journaling - 3/5/2024

First post. I guess this is where I'll talk to myself.

I really am having a hard time with understanding how to be what I should be. I think what it means to be a man is to serve a purpose. To simply make a result come into pass. However, I hear the voices in my life say things like "you should be vulnerable" and that I should open up more, to which when I do, I am met with anger for the situation being bad. I understand I'm conveying unideal information. Shit, I didn't want to be in such massive credit card debt. I didn't do it for my fucking self either. I'll have to put it in an excel or something to show how I really didn't spend much of anything on myself, the main thing was to enrich the life of my wife and have things be stable in the apocalypse.

But fundamentally, I don't think these things matter. She mentioned something to me of when I was saying "I need to do better" and she says "but you can't" with my ability to take more on, and I originally viewed this as "you can't humanly do everything and not be stressed", which was what the upfront connotation was - but that's not the real meaning of it. It's "you can't make it happen. You haven't and it needs to be done." I think what the issue is with things is not that I am stressed and having a hard time, but rather the fact that I am being open with that stress, and letting it impede on getting people what they need.

When it comes down to it, I don't think men of worth are to be anything but providers. The issue with the stress isn't that I'm upset, it's that I'm letting other people realize I'm upset while I'm getting stuff done. I should be happy to bear the load. This is what it means to be a man.

[dr-ingasmccringus]

Working from home is pretty odd. It's like my own little kinda world in here, as I'm really kinda unaffected by events on the exterior. Could be driving me crazy in its own way, who knows.

Riddit dit di doo

[dr-ingasmccringus]

Being alive is something else, you know? Like what a wild fucking thing. Other combinations of atoms make other things inanimate or like not self aware, but I'm a meat sack that's self aware somewhat. Wild shit. Yeet mcdeet my dude

[dr-ingasmccringus]

You are the void, my boy