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dragonoracle · 5 years ago

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Now then let’s take a look at my Dad’s side of the family and my relationship with them.

Ok I’ve spoken a lot about my relationship with my Mom and my MG. And how my Mom worked hard and long to try and tear down not just mine but my sibling’s relationship with my MG.

Now it’s time to look at my relationship with my Dad, my PGM (Paternal Grandmother), my PGF (Paternal Grandfather)and PU2 (Youngest of my Paternal Uncles) and their relationships between themselves and how it affected me and my siblings lives and relationships. First I should point out that my PGM and PGF had a very rocky relationship. My PGM was one of those mothers who turned her children against their father and each other. She did this all the time. She continued doing this well into my life. She very much had a favorite of her children and that was my PG2. He was her youngest child and he was defiantly the Golden Child of his family. He was also the main and longest of her children she tried to turn into her replacement husband. My Dad was the Scape Goat. He was the one that my PGM and PGF focused their abuse on and the one that they allowed their other two children to use and destroy his belongings. My Dad was also the oldest of their children. Their second born child was my PU1 (Oldest of my Paternal Uncles). He seems to have been abused as much as my Dad. He was always compared to my Dad and vice versa. There is also a story of very inappropriate behavior between my PGM and my PU1 when he was a teen right before he fled the state to start his own life. I’ve heard many stories about how my PGM always put her husband (my PGF) above her children when they were younger. She made sure to let them know that the reason they couldn’t get X-mas gift was because my PGF needed a new suit. This caused my Dad, and my PUs(Paternal Uncles) to hate and resent their father. I strongly believe that this hatred and resentment cause them to act out and misbehave. My PGM very much set my PGF to be the disciplinarian of the family (Very stereotypically of families of the 1950’s to 1970’s). This lead to my PGF being seen and in truth from the stories I have heard to become abusive towards my Dad and my PUs. Like him throwing my PU1 threw a large living room window, him calling my dad over from his friends house just to turn the channel on the TV, possibly telling my Dad that my dad being born ruined my PGF’s future. Those are just the most noticeable stories I’ve heard about his abusive behaviors. That does not mean my PGM was not equally if not more so abusive. Some things I’ve heard that she did was she threatened my father with a knife and/or a cast iron pan, her telling both my Dad and my PU1 that the other was doing better then they where (ie. my Dad was wasting his time going to nursing school cause my PU1 was making so much money as an elevator installer and she then would tell my PU1 that they where wasting their lives due to my Dad was going to make so much more money once he was out of school.), I’ve heard that she was the one to tell my Dad that his birth ruined my PGF’s future. Those are just some of the stories I’ve heard about her treatment of her sons. In truth to their children my PGM and PGF where just bad parents and to each other they were horrible partners. In truth I never experienced any abusive behaviors from my PGF. I more felt that he was trying to make up for the mistakes of how he treated his sons by trying to treat their children better. This seems to be a common thing among the Grandfathers of my generation.

But much like my Mom. My Dad and my PGM could not stand the fact I had started to build a close relationship with my PGF by trying to point out all the evils he had done so long before I was born. Yes I know some would say that why didn’t you take you dad’s side and support him. Was that while my PGF was not abusive to me my Dad and my PGM was beyond abusive to me.

My Dad has abused me over and over again threw out my childhood. Some examples of my Dad’s abusive behaviors toward me are Kicking me in the head cause my siblings where making noise and I was the nearest to him as he came out of the guest room of my MG’s house, slamming my hand in the car door cause he was angry about something my Mom had said, at the age of 10 spanking me bare butt due to me being upset over my B (Brother) stealing my happy meal…I could go on and on but those are just the ones that had stuck with me from the childhood.

My PGM was just an abusive woman to any of me or my siblings. She had children she watched for money. These children she held more important and special then us her own blood grandchildren. There is a story of her pushing one of these kids she watched on my Great Grandfather rather than my DS…she was rightly put in her place being told that he didn’t want to see someone else’s child he wanted to see his Great Granddaughter. Yes my Great Grandfather was an epic man who took no BS. These children she watched where monsters. They loved to beat up on us…mainly me (whenever I would visit, these kids where why I chose to stay away till I was an older teen and was finally strong enough to fight back.) They would pick on and bully my siblings if I was not there. And if I or my siblings fought back my PGM would punish us due to hurting these kids she watched. Where we could be bloody and bruised and she would not believe us and punish these kids instead we would be punished for lying and hurting ourselves. Latter in my life my Dad said that her hatred of him was why she hated me and my siblings. I don’t know if it was that or her hatred of my Mom. Because when it came to my PC (Child of the oldest Paternal Uncle) she loved that girl and doted on her. Mind you it could have also been because my PU1 and his family lived many states away from her and she never really saw my PC but for a few visits and many calls a year hard to say there. My PGF on the other hand was very distant for most of my childhood until I was old enough to understand and take part in his hobbies. His hobbies where needle point and stamp collecting. Once I was old enough and showed some interest he took me out and helped me set up my first stamp collecting book. I still have that book today even thought I never actually picked up the hobby. The stamps that he helped me start to collect are from the same country that my MG was from. He showed no jealousy that I wanted to do this. He held no jealousy for my MG where as my PGM was so very jealous of her. He also put up with none of the BS that the kids that my PGM watched and the living room became a safe haven in that house as he hated them running around the living room and interrupting his TV shows. My PGF also started to pick me and my siblings up from elementary school and taking us to our Grandparents homes to wait for our parents to get off of work. I always got dropped off at my MG home and my siblings preferred to go to my Paternal Grandparents home. Again where my PGM was angry over this my PGF was perfectly fine with that. So taking all of this into account I couldn’t as a kid and as an adult see my PGF as an abusive user. Yes he might have made mistakes and been abusive in his past. But I do believe that if someone wants to change they will change.

My Dad over the years made it very clear he did not want children. He never really took part in our childhood unless forced to do so. He would actively ignore us unless he was abusing us either physically, emotionally, or making jokes at our expense. This left me and my siblings most of the time in a desperate need of a father figure. In slipped our PU2 who was very much a minion of my PGM. He started on her orders to take first me and then my B on day trips. My PU2 took me out to get my nails done….as in long acrylic extensions (please do not ever get those for a kid in elementary school. They F@#king hurt when they are ripped off due to a ball being thrown at you on the playground.) During this trip my PU2 tried to get some info on how our house was, how my parents treated us especially how my Mom treated us kids. It latter came out that he was trying to get information they could use to get me and my siblings taken away from my parents to be put into her custody. That’s laughable as her house was too small and too full already. Most likely we would have been taken to my MG’s house as she had the room for four kids to come and live with her and she was far more stable of a parental figure. But let’s get back on point. As soon as my PU2 figured out that I was not of any use those trips never happened again. But he kept taking my B out on his trips. As he was trying to undermine my Dad in my B’s mind and heart. As my B was the heir to our paternal last name as the only grandson. It was also again to spite my Dad as my PU2 was a spiteful selfish person who always wanted to show up my Dad.

My Dad’s side of the family was over all messed up. And this abuse and favoritism went on threw out my adult life. My PC was favored over me by my PGM. She could never do anything wrong and whatever she did was soo soo much more important than my accomplishments. One example that sticks with me to this day my PC had taken part in a dance competition and as far as I remember she didn’t even place. At that same time I was taking part with online collage to become a Vet Tech. I had just pasted one of the monthly exams and my PGM couldn’t be bothered to even say good job for that but she was talking for days about my PC dance competition. Another example I can remember was when she had some friends coming to visit and she demanded me and my Dad to be in the house when they did so. The last example of my PGM favoritism and abuse against me was when my PGM needed to start therapy to help build her strength. The rehab place also provided consoling for the family and the patient to accept the change of the relationship and accepting their roles as caregiver and patient. During one of these consoling sessions it was brought up that my PU2 was going to be getting everything after my PGM died. This was unfair as my Dad was the one taking on all the work to take care of my PMG, handled her bills, was paying his and my rent and overall was doing all the work. Whereas my PU2 was doing nothing to care for my PMG, was not paying rent, and in fact was scamming money out of my PMG. (This has been set up this way early on due to the fact that my Dad and my PU1 had moved out and started families of their own. My PGF and PGM wanted to protect my PU2 who had never moved out and never really wanted to until one day when all his lies and BS was called out. That will be covered in a latter on in this blog for a post all its own.) My PMG was convinced that my PU2 would let my Dad still live in the house after her death. Neither I nor my Dad believed that at all. It was brought up that maybe she should change the will and I kid you all not she turned to me and my Dad and said she would be willing to add my Dad to the will but I had to be out of the house at a set time (I believe I had to be out of the house at the age of 35…I was in my early 20’s at the time). I was heartbroken. Mind you I did not at all plan nor want to stay in that house for that long. But I felt like my PGM just wanted to throw me out and was using the Will as a way to force my Dad to kick me out even if I needed help latter on in my life…I would never get it. I just told my PGM screw off and stormed out. I had never been happier to have my own car then at that time as I had driven to the rehab center on my own so I left on my own.

Some other things she did to me where. Trying to undermine my online schooling by always interrupting my studies to do some stuff that could wait, trying to get me off the computer during an online lecture cause I was online too long, yelling at me to stop trying to unclog the vacuum cause that’s a man’s job not a woman’s job, finally always telling me if I don’t like this get out of the house…when I had little to no money to my name thus leaving me to be homeless, and I have to say the last one was that after I had gotten out of an abusive relationship with the third Boyfriend in my entire life who turned out to be a pedo my PGM after talking with my PU2 and his wife told me I was never allowed to bring any more Boyfriends into her house. I felt heartbroken again as I was feeling unsafe and insecure after the major betrayal by a man I had loved and her is my PGM wanting to deny me a safe place or deny me the ability to have a Boyfriend while living in that house. I’m sure you all can agree with me that my PMG was an abusive woman who made my life up till the day she was put away in a nursing home hell. My Dad stopped being physically abusive to me after I hit my teens as I had gotten stronger and more able to fight for myself. But that did not stop his mental, emotional abuse and financially taking advantage of me. My Dad would yell and bellow threatening me when we got into fights. He would berate and point out my flaws. He took advantages of me at my lowest when I failed out of my online collage due to my own issues and the interruptions of my PGM and convinced me it was best for me to not look for a job and stay home and care for him and my PGM. Yes this was stupid but I really was in my lowest of the low dark places I have ever been in my life. Leading up to the point I have gone no contact with my father he was planning on me to continue caring for him and putting my life on hold till he died. Not caring of my future past that. I fell I’ve explained so much of my relationship with my Dad and PGM. Now I feel this has gone on long enough. I think in my next post I’ll focused on more specific of my relationship with my Mom and the next two post will focus on my relationship with my extended families Uncles and Aunts and my relationship with my Brother, Sisters and Cousins not sure which order these two will be in.

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dragonoracle · 5 years ago

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Let’s talk about why my Mom did not bond with me and why my Maternal Grandma did.

I think the best thing to do is start at the beginning. I was born one month after my parents first child had died. This sister is my older sister but she was not really a part of our lives. (She will be called from now on DS = Dead Sister in this blog if she is ever brought up.) I think in our entire house there was only one picture of DS and maybe one at my paternal grandmother. I know my mother did have a baby book for DS but she kept it put away out of sight. So was the picture. The picture was shoved to the top of a book shelf in the living room. This death did make it hard if not impossible for my parents to bond with me. Well I should say for my Mom to bond with me. My Dad has made it clear several times that he ever wanted kids and only had me and my siblings because he liked having sex with my Mom. (The next post will go into my details on this point.) But my Mom never let that death go. And this death seemed to have warped my Mom’s mind where my early years are concerned. Whenever I have brought this up to her she always points out that she made me two baby books and will blame my MGM (Maternal Grandmother) for interfering with any bonding we could have done. I want to break down these two excuses one at a time as they both irritate me and upset me. The Baby Books my mother made for me are creepy to tell you all. Not in that way you get when seeing your baby pictures. They seem to document every day of my life until around the time I was two years old. My DS died when she was two years old. As if she was expecting me to die at the same age. My baby book even has a section of my umbilical cord in a little sealed baggy (yes it’s as gross as it sounds). Neither of my sisters’ or brother’s baby books have their cords in it. Also my sisters who are twins only have one shared book and my brother has half a book. It’s almost like once I didn’t die she stopped caring for me. She focused on my sisters and then my brother. She bonded with them but stayed distant with me. Her complaints that my MGM interfered with any bonding we could have had are all lies. My MGM had explained to me (when I was around 18 I think) that my Mom never bounded with me. She took care of me (feeding, changing, and bathing…etc). But once my needs where met that she would set me down or hand me off to another family member. My MGM stepped up and took a major interest in my life as a baby and that carried threw as a kind. She bonded with me and provided me the love and attention that all babies need to grow and thrive. My MGM loved my siblings but our bound was stronger than her bound with them. Partly due to them not needing a mother figure in their lives, partly due to the interference of my Mom, and partly due to how my MGM actually parented when we were in her care.

The distant and lack of bonding with me made my life and relationship with my siblings hard and very abusive. They would bully and beat me up a lot. They would steal my stuff and keep it for themselves. Give my bike to their friends to use so I could not fallow them. Take my diaries and share them with my Mom to get me in trouble for the feelings I had written there. They would break or destroy their stuff and then try and blame me for the breaking of the stuff. Or just try to break my stuff. My parents did not care nor punish my siblings for doing these things. Or even punish me for defending myself or standing up for myself. Saying the line “You’re the oldest and as such need to set an example for them” or some variation of that. This worked to build their bond between my parents and my siblings.

My MGM on the other hand would punish my siblings for doing them same thin. This would also keep my siblings from wanting to from a relationship with our MGM (cause they where spoiled brats not wanting to get punished). One example of her standing up for me was when we were kids me and my two sisters had been given these lovely cloth merry go round horses. They were kept at my MG house as most of our toys where due to how bad and disgusting our living conditions (to be explained in a latter post.) They each had tails made of color yarn and ribbons. My siblings one day when we were dropped off at my MGM’s house to be watched went back to the room that my Sisters’ merry go round horses were stored. I had joined my MGM in watching TV as we liked to do. Then my siblings came running out and lied that I had cut off the tail of S1’s horse tail. My MGM called them out as she had been in that room and seen the Horse and its tail had been intact before we had arrived and as I had just sat down with my grandmother on my arrival and not moved since. My Mom always blamed my MGM for why I never bonded with my siblings. She also would say that my MG could only bond with the first born grandchildren of each of her children. She always explains it as because my MGM mother died shortly after I think my MGM’s sister was born. My MGM’s father remarried and her stepmother was kind and caring till her stepmother and her father had their own child. Then my MGM and he sister where pushed aside. I have always felt this was just bull shit and excuses. My Mom would take glee in always telling me that had DS lived my MGM would have focused and bonded with DS and I would not have been the favored child. This has gone on ever since my MGM died. My Mom would never have told me that while my MGM was alive cause she figured that I would tell my MGM about what she said. My Mom has since poisoned my siblings with these thoughts and they went with it. It’s made it hard to talk with my sisters about this as they always mimic my Mom’s words back to me.

Saddest part is that my MGM didn’t feel this way at all. She loved all her grandchildren. But did not agree with how my parents (latter just my Mom) where raising us(the continued abuse and bullying I was receiving from my siblings, the lack of punishment and stopping of the behaviors by my parents, and the allowing of my siblings to do dangerous and illegal activities). After my parents divorced and my Mom moved us to a new state my MGM would send $20 a week to be split between the four of us. Then as first my B and S1 started to smoke she had the money to be split between me and S2. Then when S2 started to smoke I was to get the whole amount of the $20. My Mom was upset and angered by this and often said that my siblings were upset by this (and maybe they where I have no idea) but my MGM had hoped and explained this to us and my mother that she would not pay for my siblings to smoke. This didn’t stop my mother from trying by “borrowing” the $20 from me to help with groceries till I found out that she was using the $20 to help pay for my siblings cigarettes I stopped giving my Mom the $20’s and told her that I would tell my MGM what was she was doing. This stopped my Mom asking me for the $20’s. (Note my mother has never once paid me back for any money borrowed.)

My Mom was not above using the fact I was close to my MGM. She used me almost all the time to ask my MGM for money. Mainly because she felt and knew my MGM would be hard pressed to turn me down. It got so bad that when I would call my MGM I had to make it known to my MGM that no I was not calling for my Mom to ask for money.

She was deeply saddened by the distance that my siblings put between her and them. They stopped calling her on holidays and never wished her a happy birthday. As such she decided to stop sending them gifts. She would still send my siblings cards for holidays and for their birthdays. She just stopped giving them money. She did make it clear to them and my Mom that they just needed to reach out. But it was too late to repair much of the relationship. I do have some memories of my mother half halfheartedly bonding with me in my latter years that where clearly after thoughts and more meant to prove my growing feelings wrong. Or where just either forced on her to deal with my learning disability or cause it made her look bad. These bonding attempts where also always pushed aside quickly either to focus on my siblings or because I was not that receptive to them. These only hurt any relationship we could have had. Now I’m not saying if what my MGM did with her relationship with my siblings was right or wrong but I do understand why she did it. I’m not saying that she did everything right with our relationship. But I will say that without it my already very turmeric childhood would have been truly nightmarish. And I would not be the person I am today. For that I will always be grateful to my MGM and all she did for me. As for my Mom I don’t blame her for not boding with me. It’s impossible and would be monstrous of me to want that. After all her first child had died a month before her second was born. But what I do blame my Mom for is for lying about the fact that we did bond and trying to use the baby books she made for me as proof when they just more seem like they are epitaphs for me for when I was suppose to have died, blaming my MGM for us not bonding, for the issues between me and my sibling, and finally for the continued attacks on the one person who ever cared and stood up for me and protected me. Those are what I blame my mother for. Sorry for the rambling manner of this post. I think I’ve pretty much covered the bonding issue between me and my Mom I think this Friday I’ll post about my bonding issue and relationship with my Dad and his parents (how I did not bond with my PGM(Paternal Grandmother) and how I did bond with my PGF (Paternal Grandfather).

TL;DR My Mom and I did not bond cause I was born a month after my DS died. And my Mom has two excused for the bonding issue that contradict each other of first we did bond using creepy baby books as proofs and second to blame my MGM for interfering with our bonding. My Mom rather than accept the truth tried to gaslight me. Tear apart my relationship with my now dead MGM and poisoning my siblings to any relationship they could have had and had with our MGM. My mother tried half hardheartedly to bond with me in my latter years but always made it very clear my sisters and brother where her preferred children. I don’t blame my Mom for not bonding with me but more for her lies and her trying to destroy the only happy safe place I ever had during my childhood.

Update I recently talked with my S2 about our childhood. She actually confirmed some of what I said here. My Mom had all through our childhood drilled into the heads of my Siblings head that’s my MG loved me more then them. She would make them jealous of me by telling them my MG would buy stuff for me not them. She also said that my Mom and Dad would all but encourage my parents to beat me up or take my stuff to avoid fights. Now I’m not so foolish to fully believe what she said in this call. But it was interesting to see she backed up my beliefs without me saying what those beliefs where.

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