drallenfreud

[drallenfreud]

6/1/2025

I recently talked to my therapist and I said something along the lines of (in reference to chris and him and adriana having gotten back together) "Is this it? Is this just going to be my relationships in adulthood" then something about the "void of other human beings".

It seem like what is happening here is that while chris was with adriana he kept having apocalypse dreams, ones of floods and in his waking discourse talking about the end of civilization both as a source of anxiety and humor. He would mention buying a house because "most of the country will be underwater," and we would talk about "end of Rome type stuff" cultural markers of decline and instability. I mentioned to him a nietzschean idea that in order to fix it, it would require a lot of people all suddenly giving up their sources of pleasure and only very few are capable of moving like that. This is all to say that me and chris wanted apocalypse, the destruction of our connections and situation.

This prefigured his breakup with lisa, it's more accurate to say that his hunger to break up with her was displaced onto the far off scale of apocalyptic destruction. We see this same mechanism in qanon, people who know nothing about politics see in it their satanic cannibalistic mother return.

Eventually he did break up with adriana. He was able to make it 2 weeks. A meet-up was coordinated by a mutual friend of theirs with the express purpose of seducing him back into the relationship, he talked to her once then kissed her. They were then back together.

He had some nightmares around the time, more unsettling and anxiety producing then the apocalypse dreams one involved a woman holding a severed head, castration perhaps, another involved his snapping the neck of an animal, the aggressive drives. In the waking world, chris has shown a sudden intense interest in buddhism, indicating something is bothering him.

What happened here is that Chris wanted an apocalypse, to leave his relationship, to purge all the attachments and guilt but when the struggle began he was too uncomfortable and went back. Chris had similar nightmares before meeting adriana and similarly became very attached to adriana when he first meant her. This forse still rages in him and he feels this tension.

I told such an idea to chris and he rebuffed that the nightmares began as he was getting back together with her. This is a reasonable argument but perhaps they still occurred before the bond could have been completely established again.

This discourse on the periphery could also have been a commentary on our relationship, his with to end it or change it, to introduce some chaotic. I certainly feel similar and with a lot of aggression i wish to get out. These things tend to be mutual and chis has been joking about hating me.

The void that I see him as I certainly face with aggression. Ive seen this void before, it's a unique formation, i think I can tell that some of my ego is dissolving. The stories I used to tell myself about what was happening don't make sense anymore, I feel alone and nihilistic. Soon it will be time to fight agian. I'm sure the commentary on most people being too pleasure drivin to move very fast was a recognition of that in myself.

[drallenfreud]

Yesterday morning Chris had a dream

Manifest content: He was playing basketball with a friend from college. Suddenly the basketball game became the fps game "The Finals". The basketball hoob became the cashbox.

Latent content: This person had appeared in a previous unrecorded dream that involved chris, Adriana, and him. This was the dream whose interpretation required chris to tell me that he was intending on breaking up with lisa.

Chris had gone to college with them he was a frat bro. They had a successful Dota league together. One day, Chris went to a Wiz Khalifa concert with him and they took molly, this is the only time that chris had ever taken drugs with the exception of smoking weed once and eating an edible a few weeks ago.

Chris has since mentioned that the molly may have perhaps reset his brain system and helped his depression. There was one moment where I mentioned my mother's depression and Chris said that I should give her some molly, somewhat half jokingly. I myself had managed my depression in the past with LSD so I'm familiar with the concept. I had offered to do substances with chris for the upcoming Justice concert, but he declined.

His friend has been appearing in his dreams as an identification of me.

From The Interpretation of Dreams (SE vol.4 pg. 320).

"In identification, only one of the persons who are linked by a common element succeeds in being represented in the manifest content of the dream while the second or remaining persons seem to be suppressed in it. But this single covering figure appears in the dream in all the relations and situations which apply either to him or to the figures which he covers."

It was usually me, chris and Adriana and it's me and Chris who play the finals (among some others). Instead we find his friend for college there.

This swapping of me and him shows a transference in the waking world of Chris's relationship with him onto me. We can see this further in that chris is imagining us becoming a Finals team, like the Dota team and the talk of drugs.

This presents an interesting situation. I had been very against substances for a year now, and Adriana was a similar way to a more extreme degree. We have also recently made another friend, Penelope, who is very open about her substance use. What this means now is that the repressed desire to do drugs is now returning because the social topography has changed.

There is still a part of myself that is worried that if I let Chris smoke weed and do drugs, he'll become lazy or lose his job or his mind or that that will happen to me. This is, of course, repression. I am projecting my own history onto Chris, then becoming attached to him and trying to preserve him. In the end, this will only serve to sterilize our relationship, or to put it in technical terms, stop the chains of associations. This may be an opportunity to bring these misunderstood desires to the forefront and actually be rid of them.

[drallenfreud]

5/26/25

Today I went to see Chris and a new friend we have grown close to, Penelope. We were at Chris house. Me and Penelope were very playful but I found it difficult to play with her. She would make a joke that I wouldn't quite understand or didn't find funny but felt an obligation to laugh at, then felt guilty for doing so. We would sometimes have back and forth jokes and I would struggle to keep the energy up and they would deflate. Usually the jaming up of my creativity would be accompanied by self awareness or awareness of her (as we know this is repression). Penelope has a history of being abused by psychotics, not unlike Chris, myself, Marceline and many others in my life. I've had many thoughts that there is within me a disposition not unlike these horrible people, that's not forget the horrible things I've done to Chris and my controlling tendencies. I can't help but be struk with the feeling recently that I'm suffocating these beautiful people around me, just like my ex and the vampire dutchess. It's only a matter of time before Penelope begins to stifle and repress herself like I do to myself.

There is one hope for me and Penelope. On occasion, something slips out, an off-color joke or a story I would normally not say outloud. For example, I talked about when I used to be a larger weight or made a joke about not wanting to be bald. There are also little moments of aggression, beating her at chess and gloating about it. There is a tension there. At one point today, she said something like "what's gotten into you" put aback by my condescending comment. Or when I called her a freak after she left imaging she would hear it and giggle, or perhaps come back joke along. It was also possible that she heard it and thought that I was just being rude.

I was also struck by how low energy and checked out Chris was today. With Adriana gone, I now occupy her spot, that is to say the o' position on schema L in Chris's subjectivity. One thing I forgot from before Adriana appeared was how difficult a position it is to occupy. Chris has been trying to buy a house, he father offerd to pay the down payment. His mother insisted that his father was only doing so to epress control. This is something I myself had observed in kai, his paying for dinner being a way of expressing control. In the past I would not let him do so but I began to allow his philanthropy when material concerns took over. Sure enough our relationship has suffered. It wasn't even a conscious decision to allow it, was only at dinner where he talked about his mother and father that I understood again what I used to know. The main question is, do I have the time and resources to clean this mess up again especially now that I know that a proper relationship is, in my opinion, not possible, he will never date me, he find me disgusting. That hope motivated me for a long time. Can I truly be a nihilistic hero and ride out a truly lost cause. Can I love my tragic fate? Today I wanted to go hiking and meditating like I did last year, in the end I didn't go.

I had another conversation today that was like pulling teeth. Penelope was talking to me about who was better at chess and I went on a freudian tangent about the primal horde. We were interrupted by a joke from chris and then returned to my ramblings, I felt dumb referencing something she knew nothing about. Futher on this topic I have long since talked to my friends about psychoanalysis and I feel like what was once something rich with meaning for me had become a cheap vector for dick jokes. It is painful but much like with chris's philanthropy I'm relearning that being understood in this relationship is a dream and I'm going to have to reaccustom myself to always having a piece hanging off.

[drallenfreud]

Hallucinations (4/30/25)

The temperature of Earth is about 30ºC colder and with 20% less oxygen than my home world. I often wear a thick black wool coat when I leave my house. During all but the warmest months of summer, I pair the coat with a sweater. I can not output more than 6 hours of work a day, a significant improvement from my previous limit of 3 hours, but not good enough to be sustainable.

The stress this puts on my body makes me prone to hallucinations. Sometimes I will find myself back on my home world or with my mother. I find they serve their purpose well, that being to reduce excitations generated by my body, to give temporary satisfaction to these painful desires, giving back to me what I have lost.

My goal is to eventually let go of these attachments. I will use their content in interpretations like dreams.

[drallenfreud]

Today, I went to see Chris. I asked him if he would like to date. He said yes under the conditions that it was poly and he could date and be romantic with others, and there would be no sex between us, I agreed but had a fantasy of seducing him later.

In his speaking about it, however, he said he was doing so under the fear that saying no would hurt my feelings or damage our friendship. I then said to him that he shouldn't say yes for those reasons. So then he said no.

We went on to a tangent further about how he feels anxious about the subject. He said we were already doing such a thing (a vaguely romanic freindship), but the change in labels would come with more expectations such as "pda," public displays of affection, kissing. He motioned on the subject of pda his internalized homophobia, I will translate this to mean that he is disgusted by the idea of kissing, he takes that feeling and puts responsibly for it on the side of society and culture.

This is then connected to the idea that chris often performs for others.

In response to this, I said, "What if we did something with little expectations, something light and fun?" I proposed to him 6 dates from now until August, two a month. After that, he said yes.

Other notes this conversation:

I likened this series of dates to a military campaign and to a painting that I "finally get to paint uncompromised"

We pinky swore that we would be honest with each other and I said something about accept when it's serves a more tasteful purpose, and I likened romance to a chess game.

Chris made sure to point out that I love him more than he loves me.

Chris talked about the last time I talked to him about this and his idea that he needs to eradicate this feeling in me. I had greatly embarrassed myself that day.

I talked to chris about me being undateable because of my lack of job and money. No doubt that was an actual recognition of me being undateable to him.

Something certainly feels wrong here.

I think a lot of what I said to chris boiled down to "I want to date you and I want you to like it" to which Chris replies "I can pretend to like it". I then make the huge mistake of commanding him not to pretend, something he can't do, this of course gives him anxiety that gives me anxiety.

I distinctly remember thinking all day, "I need to get into the habit of listening better to Chris again," along with the thought of "I definitely need to play the finals with him, in the same way I picked up chess with him and this broght some life back into our friendship"

There were, however, other thoughts like that I should just come out and ask for what I want. I told myself that passion is a virtue, and I thought of the many great people who had pursued their partners for many years. I did end up getting him to go out with me, but I can say now that is not what I want. I want to have sex with him.

I go back and forth on if it would be possible to have sex with him again. In many ways, it feels obvious that he does like me like that. He's called me sexy on many occasions. There are also strange things on the periphery. He compares me to his mother favorably. His mother recognized in us the relationship between Achilles and Patroclus in the iliad. I often fantasize about her approving of our relationship (and we all know what fantasy really is). Sometimes, I also think that the disgust he has on the subject may reflect an equal unconscious desire for it, they are often modified in that way, although I've never read it explicitly stated that an unconscious desire is marked by the affect of disgust (only anxiety). As chris himself says, it may be an internalized homophobia.

On the other hand, I do feel horrible for having tried this long to romance someone who finds me so disgusting. I feel pathetic, humiliated, and desperate, I wish there was someone who could just love me completely and be unashamed of it.

I've had many thoughts relating to someone else that they seem to do a very common thing, which is that because they understand why thoes around them treat them horrible that means it ok. Because they understand it, they accsept it. This is no doubt a commentary on my situation. Just because I understand why Chris is the way he is doesn't mean it's acceptable.

There is another fear. Both me chris and now a third friend of ours have had bad exs with bipolar disorder, there were often consent violations. Is this pushing merely a repetition of the corrosive relationships im used to inhabitanting, but now that I am on the abuser end I tell myself "sometimes you have to nudge people places they already want to go" and "the aggressive drives are my best parts" and tell thoes around me "I think it will be fun because it's a little anxiety provoking" and "romance is like chess" and "I finally get to make my painting uncompromised" (this translating to "I finally get to have a relationship with no input from the other person involved"). I had joked around with a friend in school about how I finally found a person to be my arm candy, and I had almost broken their own spirit of creativity to replace with my own.

[drallenfreud]

Drink review: 5/20/25

“Sabrina’s Brown Sugar Shakin’ Espresso”—a limited-time, handcrafted iced beverage combining Dunkin’s bold espresso, brown sugar notes, and oatmilk, shaken to perfection. The result is a deliciously frothy, subtly sweet sip ready to kick off 2025 in style. The launch is celebrated through Dunkin’s playful new ad campaign, Shake That Ess’, starring the espresso expert and bringing Sabrina’s burst of personality and trademark humor into the Dunkin’ cinematic universe."

https://news.dunkindonuts.com/news/winter-2025-menu

In the oedipal drama, we have 2 fundamental objects, the infants own ego and its doppelganger, a projection/identification we call the father or phallus. This relationship covers over a symbolic one between the aggressive drive and the alien other we call mother.

These aggressive drives are for the infant centered firstly at the mouth, they are born an appetite and through the milk of the mothers breast it can temporarily satisfy what is, at its strongest, a hunger to completely chew mother to pieces and swallow her.

The only thing that blocks and represses this hunger is the assumption that the mother feels the same way. That if it bites too hard, mother will bite back.

There is, however, a third option. Along with the projection of the oral drive comes the anal and phallic ones. In the infants imagination, the mother has a penis and it too functions as a weapon. The fantasy of battle usually involves the biting off of the penis. Upon further investigation, it is discovered that the mother has no phallus, someone must have taken it, and that someone will take it from the infant, too. It is under the rule of this someone that the infant must operate, speaking his language and following his laws. This is how the infant child relationship is opened up into a wider community. The pre oedipal world was, in actuality, one of extreme tension and anxiety. After it is permanently lost under the rule of the father, it is retroactively rewritten as being harmonious, the child is nostalgic.

The drink was made in tandem with the album "short n' sweet." The ideational content of the album, it's visual, manifest content draws mostly from mid (20th) century imagery sabrina is placed in our mother's mother's mother's time.

A snippit of my Dream march 20th, 2024

In the kitchen of my grandfathers house there was a diorama with animals all over it. The animals were sculptures organized like a pyramid with some text at the top. I tried to read it but couldn't focus long enough. I then tried to force myself to read it, but I can't remember it. A friend from school, Shane, then said some things that were incomprehensible and I kept asking what he was saying and he kept saying something different until showing me a figure of an animal with some text I can't remember and then said something incomprehensible and implied it was the name of the animal. Then I saw some model train tracks left from when my grandfather owned the house. Later I recollected that the writing was Yiddish and the shrine was in the spot where the coffee machine usually is.

We can see the phallus haunts the content of this dream, we have obviously the train set owned by my mother's father along with a friend from high school who was very competent. The most interesting is the animal shine that has much turbulent discorse around it. Animals that are not vermin in dreams represent the genitalia and we find the only language that appears in the dream very close to it. The phallus also operates as a marker of virility and enjoyment, much like the lively and pleasurable feeling Sabrina’s Brown Sugar Shakin’ Espresso gives me when that frothy oatmilk bursts its personality in my mouth.

5/10

[drallenfreud]

Dream 5/4/25

Dreamt by Allen

I was on a mountain of garbage in the middle of the street i grew up on, my sister was there she seemed younger. At some point i said it "its time to get this mess cleaned up" something like that. I found an accordion at one point I went to play it. Some noises came out. After moving it in and out twice, I noticed that the buttons on the accordion were like the ones found on children's toys. They were fake, I wasn't actually playing the accordion, just pressing a button that made it play a song.

At some point, I found a blank car key. It was purple, I remember (in the context of the dream) I bought it in order to make a copy of my current cars key. It had a Honda logo Keychain on it.

The day previous: I had spent a good few hours reading the traumdeutung, specifically chapter 6, part e on representation by symbols. Here, freud mentions a level of dreams that seems to be a universal system of dream symbols. These are the sexual symbols. Among them was a lock and key representing sex.

That evening Chris decided to join me and we went to the sex club. Chris had just broken up with Adriana that afternoon. We talked about the breakup and how it went, she was very mature about it. Chris mentioned feeling a little manic, he said something like "I'll go and get drunk and party". Chris brought a box of merlot. I had a sweet wine. Chris mentioned wanting to pick up meditation I offered to lend him my book about it. He talked about feeling like his greek God is aphrodite on account of everyone falls in love with him and he has to break their hearts. He asked me if I had ordinarily planned to go alone and I said yes, I then made a "joke," i said "you get used to going to things alone when your unlovable" to which Chris replied "your not unlovable ect." Chris quickly decided he had enough wine, later in the night he gave me what was left of his box.

I was in latex that evening and I need to be shined up. I asked Chris to help me, this was a conscious attempt to seduce him. He rubbed all over my back and I was hoping he would also rub down my butt but he stopped. He then mentioned how stressed he was and I offered him a massage, he declined and said he just needed some time and space then asked to speak to other people.

He gave me access to his merlot which was much more powerful than the wine I had broght. I was very drunk by the end of the night, I was unsuccessful in having sex. I fell asleep in one of the rooms and was woken up by staff. Embarrassed I made my way home, fell asleep and produced the dream before you.

Analysis:

The only memories I can recall from this dream is that at one point I had tried to learn to play the accordion but eventually gave up. Recently I've been thinking about picking up guitar again. I have no clue why it had the layout of a baby toy.

In terms of cleaning up the garbage pile, me and Chris had clean his apartment recently and I've always noticed that cleaning up a space usually means that a persons is becoming more engaged with the world. My first thoughts were that with Adriana gone, Chris is going to have to clean up the mess left behind. Also that I would have to clean up our discourse.

The key expressed an obvious meaning, as a blank key is has no lock for it to unlock, a penis with no vagina. This is a representation of the idea of being unlovable mentioned earlier in the night. Don't think however that what's being expressed here is some truth, the key apperes is the dream with no anxiety attached to it. This is not the approach of the real. It served the same purpose it did in the waking world, a persona I put on to attract sympathy. To put it another way: this was a dream not a nightmare, the key gives expression to this recognition of myself as unlovable only so far as to keep me asleep, to keep me from encountering something more real.

There is a general theme of embarrassment and humiliation going on here. My relationship with chris has always had this element also, I feel attracted to him but he's indifferent about me. occasionally, I'll try to seduce him then feel guilty. All the while, I feel humiliated for still pining for him after a year but I know I'm always gonna wonder if I could have done it if I give up. He is the first person in a long time that i feel something for. I wish I could move on, I wish I could fully embrace this. Is this worth my time? There might also be an element here of Chris being very tense from the breakup and that scaring me a little bit.

[drallenfreud]

A brief update on my situation (4/30/25)

I've been on earth for over a year now and Ive found it extremely difficult to function here.

I attempted to support myself with a job at an embroidery factory only to fired for slow performance. I have since had to sell pieces of my interstellar craft in order pay rent. Its technological sophistication is far more advanced than anything before created on earth but no engineering, computer or aerospace company will speak to a layman. I'm currently melting down parts and selling the metal alloys for scrap. If anyone is interested in the purchase of my technology you can contact me here.

[drallenfreud]

In the Vampire Duchess' bedchambers, drempt by Allen 3/4/25 recorded 4/21/2025

Contents of the day: I did some sewing then I went to Chris' to play "ENA Dream BBQ". I invited the Marceline but they couldn't make it. Me and Chris talked at the beginning about stock trading, America as an empire in decline, the failure of any system to properly describe or predict the movements of markets. We then got into ENA Dream BBQ. I had 2 glasses of wine while Chris played. We played for hours with little interruption and no guilt. Adriana eventually came home and joined us, Chris expressed no guilt for playing the game and Adriana gave no shame for it. I requested another glass of wine but Adriana denied me it on account of I would have to drive, I was a little annoyed. Me and Chris talked about psychoanalysis and clinical structure during which I emphasized that I'm not doctor, to which Chris replied that it was just my insecurity about understanding Freud. I had talked to Chris previously about my worry that I'm misunderstanding Freud.

Dream: I wake up in my room Bob is there. He stays there sometimes. I wake up and acknowledge him. He is sleeping on my meditation pillow and some other cushions. There is a twin bed standing upright next to him, I assure him that next time he stays there will be a bed for him to sleep in. I leave to go to class (this is collage now). I get to class and it feels exactly how it felt in middle school, I cannot remember the content of the class but I remember when it was over I felt like I had successfully paid attention and understood what occurred. At some point near the end the vampire duchess shows up and I think “well with all I talk to her in dreams I guess its now time to do it in real life”. I remember lollygagging in the kitchen and at this point I knew it was a dream. The next class was basket weaving, I assumed I already missed it but I tried to look for a schedule on my phone. At some point I ended up back in my room with Bob, I think I made good on my promise and he was in a bed this time. At some point he turned to me and said something I didn't pay much attention to, my mind drifts off and I notice something clogging up my nose. I start picking my nose before remembering that Bob is there, I'm now embarrassed. I leave the room. I'm walking around the school that has now become a beautiful Victorian building. I run into my sister in a ballroom and we fight, she turns into my father and I think to myself “I knew it”. I think about what my actual body must be doing, flailing around in bed due to all the punching I'm doing in here. He was successfully defeated. I walk around board again trying to wake up only to become reinvested in the dream narrative. I think “well the vampire duchess will arrive soon and then I can make this into a sex dream”. I then come across a door and a doctor comes out, there are murmurs that there are two hysterical patients in there, I think one of them was the vampire duchess. I go in. its a short hallway, on each side are disorganized stacks of old books on shelves, in the back there are stairs leading to two doors in which the women are. I Instantly recognize this situation, its setup and tone, as being taken from Nosferatu (2024). I then wake up.

Associations:

Lets chart the latent thoughts “I wake up in my room Bob is there. He stays there sometimes. I wake up and acknowledge him. He is sleeping on my meditation pillow and some other cushions. There is a twin bed standing upright next to him, I assure him that next time he stays there will be a bed for him to sleep in.” I used to share a room with my sister and at one point me and Bob shared a room at a psychoanalysis conference. I had thought about Silver, someone I meant at the conference and propositioned for sex, the day previously. “I leave to go to class (this is collage now). I get to class and it feels exactly how it felt in middle school, I cannot remember the content of the class but I remember when it was over I felt like I had successfully paid attention and understood what occurred. At some point near the end the vampire duchess showed up and I think “well with all I talk to her in dreams I guess its now time to do it in real life”.” It was this middle school class that me and the vampire duchess first became very close. We sat in similar seating arrangements in the dream as we had sat at the beginning back then, later in the semester we would move to sit next to each other. I remember being afraid to sit next to her at the beginning of class, worried, irrationally, that I would creep her out. In truth she very much liked me and when we did sit next to each other we had a lot of fun. There is a further link in this chain of thought back to psychoanalysis, I can't remember if it was in middle or early high school that first picked up Freud (not really understanding it of course). I eventually abandoned him thinking that everyone would think I was creepy for reading it. “I remember lollygagging in the kitchen and at this point I knew it was a dream. The next class was basket weaving, I assumed I already missed it so I tried to look for a schedule on my phone.” the kitchen was the wood shop classroom from my high school condensated with a kitchen I cannot recognize. I have the feeling more occurred here but it is in repression.

“at some point I ended up back in my room with Bob, I think I made good on my promise and he was in a bed this time. At some point he turned to me and said something I didn't pay much attention to, my mind drifts off and i notice something clogging up my nose. Start picking my nose before remembering that Bob is there, I'm now embarrassed. I leave the room.” when me and Bob are studying we like to stop every 25 minutes and talk about what we've done and what were going to do next. Sometimes I don't pay attention to what Bob is talking about or don't understand it. This makes me feel bad for not paying attention and stupid for not understanding. the picking of my nose relates to picking my brain, Bob doesn't like that i pick a others minds by using psychoanalysis on them. “I'm walking around the school that has now become a beautiful Victorian building. I run into my sister in a ballroom and we fight, she turns into my father and I think to myself “i knew it”. I think about what my actual body must be doing, flailing around in bed due to all the punching Im doing in here. He was successfully defeated.” I have had the thought and discussed it with my older sister that Sandra, my sister seems to be going down a dark path. My father was very lax on her drinking in her youth, allowing her to throw parties with friends when she was under age (I want to say as young as 16 but I cannot confirm). Sandra, as far as I know, continues to drink heavily, she is in collage so that might be normal. Yesterday I saw a full pack of trulys in the fridge and knew sandra was home. Beyond the alcohol habits of my father she is also very cruel and paranoid with her partners and friends. I cannot recall any specific stories but I remember my older sister trying to have a conversation with her that “you can't keep treating people this way and still expect them to invite you to things”. this fits with Freud's writings on the witnessed transformation of one person into another, interpretation of dreams (SE vol.3 pg.316). This is how causality is expressed, my father made my sister this way. “I walk around board again trying to wake up only to become reinvested in the dream narrative. I think “well the vampire duchess will arrive soon and then I can make this into a sex dream”.” there more that happened her but it is under repression. my history with the vampire duchess is complicated, I liked her very much but was very strange and off putting, I pushed and pulled her away much like Sandra does now. “I then come across a door and a doctor comes out, there are murmurs that there are two hysterical patients in there, I think one of them was the vampire duchess. I go in. its a short hallway, on each side are disorganized stacks of old books on shelves, in the back there are stairs leading to two doors in which the women are. I Instantly recognize this situation, its setup and tone, as being taken from Nosferatu (2024). I then wake up” here we have the part of he dream most rich in meaning, where many dream thoughts crash into each other (verschlungenheit). There is sexual symbolism here “penetrating into narrow spaces and opening closed doors are among the commonest of sexual symbols”. Here I am making my way down this narrow corridor into the vampire duchess’s bedchamber. The thoughts around this are: I went to see Nosferatu with marceline and from the moment I saw it I could recognize a Freudian pattern. In the film Nosferatu is connected with Ellen via the oral drive, they kiss a lot, he feeds on her via his mouth on her chest at the end. Ellen's fits are rightfully diagnosed in the film as hysteria. Both me and marceline joked bout being vampires, what I loved about silver was her long thin pale body. In middle school the vampire duchess was insecure in middle school about her pale Slavic skin, I of course thought she was beautiful, she looked like she was made of freckled porcelain, an aesthetic I've tried to achieve with makeup.

Interpretation of content

Vampires: silver, the vampire duchess, marceline all physically resemble vampires. This aesthetic commonality could also be a repetition (definitely between the vampire duchess and silver). We have a situation in middle school in which I become self aware I think that I must be creepy, this is repression, the very same repression that originally blocked my exploration of Freud. The mechanism of repression, according to lacan, begins with the infants projection of their own sadism (to chew, bite, pee and poop) onto their mother who is imagined to want the same. Here we see my repressed relationship with the vampire duchess, silver and marceline begin to reveal their infantile dimension/origins through the mythology of vampires. We see this further in the pale porcelain vampire projection returning to me in my make up experiments.

Further on the repression of psychoanalysis. I've always been afraid to use this on women, in spite of the fact that it has proven extremely fruitful in my uses of it with Chris, after just this week of dream interpretations I feel a lot looser. This can also explain the presence of Bob as me being embarrassed for using Freud, but “using Freud” is displaced with “nose picking” a similarly embarrassing thing that hides the meaning better. For lacan displacement is metonymy, so here instead of saying “doing psychoanalysis” is say “picking a brain”.

For Freud (but more lacan), libido is the occupation of a real thing by a symbolic system which is why here the two situations are condensated, me going into their bedroom as a lover and as an analyst.

It connects to the experiences of the day i this way: i had already talked to Chris about my loss of faith (religious metaphor) in freud and my understanding of him and he had mentioned it throughout the day. But i also think there is something in my interaction with Adriana. I have in my other writings to Chris compared Adriana to a vampire, this was a projection of my relationship with women onto Chris and Adriana. Here Adriana forbade me to drink any more at Chris' house, she didn't listen to me when I told her that I knew myself and I would be out of my system in time. I was annoyed but back down thinking about my father and sister. What this demonstrated is a lack of rapport, not coincidentally, similar to my early relationship with Chris. It was via psychoanalysis that I was able to reforge our relationship into something actually fun but my internalized taboo, the history and dynamics of which you see before you, have prevented me for from doing such a thing. That is why I could not enter the vampire duchess' bed chamber before I woke up.

interpretation on structure.

Me and Adriana have a relationship heavily supplemented by ego. Adriana takes on the savor role and I take the alcoholic position. No actual dialogue move between us, sterile vampires.

[drallenfreud]

The Serve-Her Dream, dreamt by Chris 3/2/25 (posted 3/21/25)

Contents of the day:

Right before I went to bed I had spent like 2 hours researching trading brokers and trying to decide which one to go with and which platform to use 

I was thinking I'd go with ninjatrader but they actually have normal commission rates of like .50 for micro futures and there are better brokers for that, plus they charge for live data on their charting platform and charge to integrate with trandingview like 10$ a month.  I was thinking I'd go with their shit instead of using trandingview to save on the tradingview stuff but alas I was back to using that, then trying to decide which broker to go with.

Dream:

I'm fucked dude, just had a dream where half of it was a semi nightmare about setting up a lab for work stuff and incompetence in not doing it right and having a new guy come in with a ton of experience know exactly how to.  The other half was me day trading and having difficulty placing trades and missing out on moves or having them place after I wanted them to so I missed out on shit. Also all my dreams keep happening in my old apartment in Hawaii where I grew up for some reason. The new guy was someone I didn't know but who had experience with the routers I was setting up in these IDF  Labs and I had to learn from him after hours of fucking with it and it not working. He's not a person I know I don't think I ever saw his face, the lab had two parts a switch stack and a router that we dont use and doesn't exist because it's shape/color was of the old Avaya switched we are retiring, this lab setup was in the middle of the living room of my old house in Hawaii and had two of these setups connected. Then I went over towards a monitor that had trading and was struggling to try and right click to place trades but the prices were moving faster then I could place the trades, even though I saw where I wanted to enter but couldn't use the UI fast enough

I asked him about the living room

It's where I grew up, living room had the kitchen and dining area, couches, and my dad's pc/gaming setup. I was setting up the lab in the middle of the room, idk if my dad was there sitting on the couch playing games or not but I have a suspicion he was cus he always was. The dream was messing with, setting up, logging into/consoling in on the IDFs and trying to get them to work . They did not work like reality at all

Associations:

for this section you should know that the whale is Chris' ex-girlfriend and Adriana is his current one

My life is work study trade and maybe try sleep/relax/revenge bedtime procrastinating. This space keeps coming up in my dreams it seems to be the default, but the memories are of dinners and hanging out with family or the last two times I visited bringing The Whale or Adriana there. It's basically the living room where I grew up  So all the kid stuff like doing Christmas happened there. I'm thinking a lot of how my dad used to spend a lot of time there gaming, I'd bring him water with ice when he called for me then I'd go back to my room to do my gaming/play.

IDF means Intermediate Distribution Frame, it's just shorthand for like a box that sits in the shops and has a switch in it. MDF is main distribution frame, which is the switches that sit in the server room and connect to the router/firewall that goes out to the internet.

Interpretations Chris’ own interpretation: So maybe I'm feeling like my lack of mastery over using the software + lagging behind trades. I think the my personal failures and self image are tied to competency in life features trying to impress my dad. With the IT work and with trading because he blew up at me for wanting to trade. Living in his shadow with IT stuff not becoming an AI programmer and not making enough money in IT. Or really doing much of anything with my life. So here I am in the space he lives in in my memories trying to do the things I subconsciously think would impress him but also failing at it cus I don't think deep down I'd be good enough at it. I think I feel I expected to be further along in my career or doing meaningful things. Not really doing too much in networking I'm the IT equivalent of a grunt worker. I think it's a representation of me not understanding how to setup the new Site Engine management system and deploy the switches, I've spent the last few months fucking with that and getting stuck needing assistance.

Allen's interpretation:

interpretation of content:

Lets organize the memories and thoughts. We have first Chris attempting to put together an IDF lab at his workplace, “messing with, setting up, logging into/consoling” for hours. The lab had two parts a switch stack and a router that they don't use, it's shape/color was of an old Avaya that has long since been retired and its, in real life, a switch not a router. He was trying to connect 3 IDF’s together. This is constructed from a real project he was working on at work.

Two of these lab’s were set up in the middle of his old living room in hawaii. he had been there recently on a trip with Adriana.

Forgotten in the original recollection was the presence of his father on the couch paying video games “cus he always was”. Chris' father had told him that stock trading was like gambling and forbade it. In real life Chris has had trouble stock trading, he does tons of research but when he opens the app he just stares at it. Here we see some repressed content appear, indicated by having forgotten his fathers presence. Here we have the desire to trade stocks and work being impacted by the desire to play video games. The wish is rejected and projected onto his father (negation SE vol.19 pg.235). this an attempt to satisfy both drives; by projecting onto his father he can fulfill a wish of superiority "you are not better than me, you play video games" while at the same time satisfying the urge to play video games.

A man then appears who Chris doesn't recognize but has “tons of experience” and knows exactly how to put the server together. The identity of the super competent technician that has likely been subject to displacement. Much like the typical dream of being naked in public, where the crowd is made from faceless indifferent people, here there was a real event like this that is only partly remembered, the identity of the one-who-knew is repressed.

Chris then I went over towards a monitor that had trading and was struggling to try and right click to place trades but the prices were moving faster then he could place the trades, even though he saw where he wanted to enter but couldn't use the UI fast enough. Chris didn't have many associations with this part, ill note here that this related to his impotence in trading in real life also.

Interpretation of structure:

There are a few major contradictions here I would like to highlight, Chris speaks of his father as something large and looming, competent and powerful yet here in Chris’ memory he is on the couch playing video games. This wouldn't be unusual except that playing video games, to Chris, is a loser trait. Often times Adriana will lambast him for playing video games as opposed to trading or studying (with a general call to “make yourself useful”/”be ambitious”). Chris himself thinks this (this is old content from almost a year ago) he feels shame for not helping his mother start a business, instead he played video games all day. More recently he called Adriana a said something like “yea me and allen are playing Inscryption, like adults lol." So we have Adriana's discourse creating these two competing drives, setting up a false dichotomy of "the one who works" and "the loser who plays video games". Both of these exist within Chris but now they are set up in opposition. The dream attempts first the working one but is impacted by the loser one, it gives this drive to Chris' father. Its able to give satisfaction as best it can before Chris is too stressed out and wakes up.

There is a distinct lack of sexual imagery in this dream that usually ends up being the most fruitful in terms of associations. This is because repression is working very hard here. In the waking world Chris cannot manifest his libido, in relation to stock trading he merely stares at the screen and with video games there was one time when I mentioned playing Minecraft and Chris said “that's a game for creative people”, in a way that suggested that he lacked the creativity (the virility, the libido) to play it. Here in the dream he cannot manifest sexual imagery. what causes it is the that false dichotomy generated by Adriana's discourse, this is likely another reason Chris father fell out of recollection, he played video games all day and was still a success a living monument to the stupidity of their hustle ideology.

aftermath:

I told Chris this information and he started playing video games again. There has been a sense of having a weight lifted off my shoulders, I can certainly see the feeling is mutual.

[drallenfreud]

Format 4/21/2025

Here is how I am going to format the entries

In the title section: the name of the log (usually something significant like the name of a dream or something that occurred that day), next the dreamer, then the date.

For logs without a dream we have in the text box:

Contents of the day (memories, stories, ect)

Interpretation, this is where I will use allen-analysis, I will do my best to sight the passages I'm drawing from. They will be formatted as such:

For Freud's work we will use the "The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud" formatted: (SE Vol x pg. x)

For Lacan's work we will be drawing from the Norton translations formatted: (Seminar x pg. x)

For logs involving dreams we have:

Contents of the previous day

Dream (its manifest content)

Associations the person themselves produced in relation to the dream, its latent thoughts. This will also include their own interpretation of it.

Interpretations, a dream can have many interpretations. so far in my readings I have only seen Freud do a double interpretation once (smoked salmon dream (SE Vol 4 pg. 147)). The two interpretations seem to differ in that one is an interpretation of content (wish fulfillment ect.) while the other is a structural one (hysterical identification), the contents of the dream v.s its "shape". I may occasionally divide this section into two parts, content vs structure, but might also abandon it if that distinction doesn't hold up or is not useful.

Some logs will just be short writings on theory

[drallenfreud]

Ethics 4/21/2025

Of all of feuds writing I have read only two papers on the subject of practicing psychoanalysis without a proper education they are "The question of lay analysis" (1926) and "wild psycho-analysis" (1910).

Beginning with "wild psycho-analysis" (1910) SE volume 11, page 219

Freud was one time visited by an older woman who had been suffering from anxiety. She had just been divorced, and a doctor told her that the cause was lack of sexual satisfaction. In order to recover her health she must: return to her husband, take a lover or obtain satisfaction herself. She then considered herself incurable as none of these were options. She came to Freud as the doctor said this was Freud's discovery. Her friend was insistent that this was not true as she herself had been divorced for years without issue.

We are going to begin by talking about her doctor. Assuming he did say that, it's obvious that he should not discuss sexuality with a woman with such a lack of tack and consideration. Compliance with this requires caring out technical rules related to psychoanalysis. Moreover, he must not have been familiar with psychoanalysis or misunderstood it.

Lets being with the latter, the scientific errors. The doctors advice clearly shows what he understands of “sexual life”, the common understanding. He must know that psychoanalysis has extended sexuality far beyond its usual range. We assign to sexual life all the activities of the tender feelings that have sexual impulses at their source even after having sexual aims blocked and new, non sexual replacements. For this we say “psycho-sexuality” to emphasize its mental factor. By reducing sexuality to the physical factor he simplifies the problem. He alone is responsible for what he has done.

There is another misunderstanding behind the physicians advice. It's true that absence of sexual satisfaction is behind the cause of nervous disorders. What he forget is that it arises when one force, libido, meets the opposing repression of the sexual instincts. Most of these people are in the circumstances, incapable of finding satisfaction. This is always forgotten but if it weren't there, the instincts would seek satisfaction and there would be no illness. What good is the doctors advice then? Even if it did make sense scientifically its not advice that she can carry out. Does he think a woman over forty doesn't know she can masturbate or take on a lover. Does he think perhaps that she needs medical advice to do so?

There are some neurosis that are produced by somatic sexual life, in such a case a modification the somatic sexual life is recommended. In this case he my have diagnosed her with anxiety neurosis and gave somatic advice. Another misunderstanding. Anxiety doesn't imply anxiety neurosis, there are other states involving anxiety. What she had was anxiety hysteria. A proper consideration of anxiety hysteria would not have limited him to these handful of somatic options. Instead, he would have access to mental factors. There is no room in this analysis for actual psychoanalysis.

Moving to the technical errors in the physicians procedure. Its a misunderstanding that a person suffers merely from ignorance, that if one gives him information about the connection between his illness and his life, experiences in childhood ect, then he is sure to be cured right up. The true origin of the illness lies in the resistance to the information. Healing is done in the removal of these resistances. If knowledge about the unconscious were all that was need to cure then books on psychoanalysis would cure. In truth books on psychoanalysis are as effective on symptoms as restaurant menus are during times of famine. Quite the opposite is usually the case, an intensification of her troubles.

Because this is a necessary part of psychoanalysis, two conditions must be meant before unconscious content can be given. They must already be close to finding it themself and be sufficiently attached, via transference, to the physician to make a flight from this information impossible. Psychoanalysis requires a very long period of contact with the patient as a result. Attempts to rush into things are objectionable. And they bring their own punishment by bringing a hearty enmity towards the physician from the patient and cutting off further influence.

You can make a wrong surmise and one can never find the whole truth. Psychoanalysis provides these rules to replace the indefinable “medical tact” that is seen as some special gift.

It is not enough for a physician to know only a few of the findings of psychoanalysis, he must familiar with its method. This cannot be learned from book nor independently without great sacrifices of time labor and success. Like other medical techniques it is to be learned from those who are already proficient in it.

Freud doesn't find it agreeable to claim a monopoly on the use of this medical technique but in face of the dangers to patients and the cause of psychoanalysis seen in the practice of “wild” psychoanalysis he has no other choice.

From here Freud describes the newly formed IPAA to publish the names of its member such that those who do not belong to them and call their work psychoanalysis will be known. Wild analysis does more harm to psychoanalysis than to its patients.

In order to get into line with Freud we will be calling what I do here "Allen-analysis", so as not to tarnish the good name of psychoanalysis. In the long run this will be an advantage as Allen-analysis can draw from other thinkers related to Freud. As an example when I first began this project I was heavily drawing from Buddhism then some Nietzsche then Freud and Lacan. A certain amount of wandering is healthy.

From "The question of lay analysis" (1926) SE vol. 20 pg. 179

In this short paper Freud discusses if layman can practice psychoanalysis. He touches on a few key points:

Freud makes a detour to redefine quack from "anyone who treats patients without possessing a state diploma to prove he is a doctor." to "anyone who undertakes a treatment without possessing the knowledge and capacities necessary for it." Under this definition many doctors are quacks. He continues "in his medical school a doctor receives a training which is more or less the opposite of what he would need as a preparation for psychoanalysis. His attention has been directed to objectively ascertainable facts of anatomy, physics and chemistry, on the correct application and suitable influence of which the successes of medical treatment depends." Here Freud is suggesting that psychoanalysis is closer to the humanities then to the hard sciences. Its accurate to regard what I'm doing here as a particularly unusual education in the humanities.

Freud states that a proper doctor has an advantage in diagnosis, that one should be sure that he has neurosis before beginning treatment. In the Lacanian school everyone has neurosis, everyone engages in repression, its a symptom of language itself. I can be sure that someone has neurosis.

Freud discusses further that psychoanalysis doesn't deserve a resting place in a textbook under the heading "methods of treatment" alongside hypnosis, autosuggestion and other lazy cowardly failures of mankind. As a depth psychology it has far reaching implications for human civilization, anthropology and the arts. Here on this blog I will attempt to use it in my everyday life

Freud concludes that in order to do analysis proper they should have gone though an analysis of their own. I have never been through an analysis of my own but I have had certain life experiences that I feel give me a good grasp on psychoanalysis.

There is another thought I would like to put out here:

There was one human who tried to talk to me about my use of psychoanalysis on lay people in lay situations, he searched in his head for the word to describe how he feels about me. I broke the silence with “you think its creepy don't you?” and that was the exact adjective he was trying to find a more palatable alternative to. He then want on to say "your attacking his most fundamental drives and desires". After that he said that he didn't really know what the situation was between me and Chris and then further restrained himself, saying he didn't want to be responsible, he didn't want to effect me and the conversation ended.

In this moment he is attempting to avoid saying what he actually thinks, to repress the thought in favor of an alternative that would please me more. He is attempting to pretend he doesn't think what he actually thinks, I had the option to play along and wallow in the horrible feeling that these kinds of conversations leave behind.

Psychoanalysis often gets the reputation, vaguely, of being evil knowledge or dark magic or at least something powerful, not for use with lay people or in lay situations, its manipulative and creepy to do so. I would counter that the processes can often be fun and as for the violence that he uses to describe it, what wrong with a little violence, the play of children are mostly them joking about killing each other, the most fun I had with Chris was competing over chess. Lets not forget of course that all drives are death drives, the best aspects of ourselves are our violent ones. I would consider a major part of this project, its Nietzschean aspect, an attempt to accept as much of the human condition, its pains and sufferings, as possible and that includes one of its most fundamental aspects, the inherent violence with us all, that when it's denied and repressed simply means you've lost track of it and it off destroying something else. My interlocutor soured our relationship by not saying what he meant out loud all the while telling himself the opposite. If Chris asks for advice or an interpretation of a dream I shouldn't hold back and I had more fun when I didn't hold back, life is bouncing off of people, effecting them, being effected.

[drallenfreud]

4/18/25

I first crashed on earth around September two years ago. The very first thing I did was visit the local library to see the history of the planet that I would be stranded on for the foreseeable future. I will reference this history when necessary.

My second task was to understand how the inhabitants of this world and how their culture functions. For this I found psychoanalysis, a 150 year old system for understand history, culture and everyday life.

The general wisdom among those who still practice it is that its foundational works, by someone name Freud, were inaccurate and that later revisions, by someone named Jung, were more accurate. I had originally began my research by reading the foundational texts, by Freud then intending to move to Jung for a more accurate view. What I found instead was that in some regions aspects of Freud remain contemporary and relevant due to commentaries on his works in the middle of the last century, by someone named Lacan. I found these texts to be most accurate to what I have seen in human beings.

Not soon after my arrival I encountered a person, Chris. Chris had gotten out of a five year relationship with someone named The Whale. I helped him to move into his new apartment. We both had nothing and no one, rarely do opportunities to completely start from scratch like this occur.

From about February of last year to July of last year I attempted an application of psychoanalysis, I interpreted a series of dreams occurring between the two of us and used this to inform my behavior towards him. This was a very fruitful period for both me and Chris. Somewhere along the way I had to stop as I had lost the inspiration, the intuitive understanding of what psychoanalysis was describing. it had become hallow, merely words on pages, I couldn't see it functioning in the world around me anymore.

After rereading some of Lacan most inspirational works along with the best of Freud's, I will attempting to do again what I did last year.