dranyakowalczyk-blog

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

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If Willow hadn’t been so… aware of the eyes that were locked onto the interaction between the two, she might have moved to hug him… she certainly felt the urge to, but part of her felt like everyone was waiting for it, and the obstinate side of her refused to appease them. Hell, she wouldn’t be surprised if some of the group that had eyes on them had wagers on if and when they’d get back together. Jess probably played the part of good friend and tried to put it to a stop before obliging and taking part in the betting. Willow wondered if her friend knew that her ex would be at the bar, tonight, and if that was why she’d been so persistent about getting Willow out.

When Justin decided the tension was just too much, breaking the silence of the rest of the group, her attention pulled away from August for just a moment.��“You’re complaining to the wrong girl, Justin. It wasn’t exactly my idea of leave Zig and my couch behind, tonight,” she said before inhaling sharply and nodding. “Shots.” He might not have been offering to buy for the group, or even her, but she certainly needed one or two, and wouldn’t hesitate to steal whoever’s landed on the table and repay them later. It didn’t matter; her attention was no longer on Justin, or the fact that Jess was helplessly trying to flirt with Asher, who seemed to have done something to elicit a swear from August.

There was an air to things that was so reminiscent of days passed that she couldn’t help but smile for a moment, even as she rocked on the balls of her feet, moving her focus to the ground as she tried to keep herself from staring at August. Sure, they were actually in a bar, not the cafe down the street, or her dad’s barn, or one of the others’ barns, but otherwise… things weren’t that different, except for every glaring thing that was. Instead of focusing on those things, though, she let her focus fall to the music as the band in the corner started warming up. By the time they were starting their first song, the server had come back with a tray of shots and left the table again, and without hesitating, Willow grabbed two, throwing one back, and then following it quickly with the other. “I owe someone a shot. You guys can fight each other over whose shot I stole,” she stated simply, with a faked smile that came across all too naturally, ignoring the fact that she had grabbed the one in front of August.

With that, Willow lacked hesitation as she grabbed Jess by the wrist. “You wanted me to come out and have fun, you get to dance with me,” she said as the band started in on a cover of Sledgehammer. Her body found the groove of the music, easily, and by the time the band was playing the first chorus, she was singing right along with it. “I wanna be… your sledgehammer! Why don’t you call my name?”

If she had hugged him, he would have broken. He had always been the one his friends made fun of for being too emotional or sentimental over things. That was why he was so good at his job, though. Dealing with pet parents who thought their furry children deserved the world was easy for him. He knew that each animal, baby rabbit to giant great dane and everything scaly in between, deserved the best and he was there to make sure they got it. Being in tune to emotions helped him with that.

When Willow mentioned Zig, August couldn’t help but smile. That dog had been around for a long time and August had been in love with him from the moment he met him. August had never considered himself a cat person or a dog person but as a younger guy, he had found himself drawn to cats. His sister, while a lover of all animals, definitely leaned in the cat direction. Though, from what he understood now, her boyfriend had quite the dog that had clearly stolen her heart. Though the Kowalczyk’s had always leaned toward cats, when he had met Zig, things changed. There was just something about the way the little guy greeted him whenever he showed up, regardless of how his day had been or what the weather was like; Zig was always a positive force. 

HIs own dog, Taco, had been an impulse rescue about 9 months ago, on the tail end of his final year in the program. The little guy had come in with a busted rib cage, bruises, and open wounds. Clearly a severe case of animal abuse and neglect. Less than 24 hours later, August was signing the papers to take him home once he was healed up. 9 months later, he was still learning things about Taco - the spatula was a no-go. Something had obviously happened there. But he was great with other dogs, younger children, even cats, and goodness, was he a sight for sore eyes after a 12 hour shift at the clinic. 

By the time the shot girl had come back with the tray full of doubles, August had almost forgotten that Justin ordered them. Willow, apparently, had not, taking two shots in quick succession. Half of him wondered if she had shot both like that because he was here but letting himself walk down that path was going to lead anywhere good. 

She stole Jess away and Asher nudged August as soon as they were out of ear shot, muttering something crass about Jess; August rolled his eyes and smacked his friend.  “Asshole. Be nice. Jess is a good person.” “I’m just saying...she looks good.” “Yeah...she does.” His eyes, though, were focused solely on Willow.  -- Somehow, after another shot and a few encouragements from his friends, August was up and out on the dance floor, though he was hanging back. And he couldn’t stop looking at her. He was trying, really, he was. His friends were’t hesitating in pointing it out, either. Each time one of them pushed him toward her, he’d turn right around and smack whoever it had been. Then he felt two sets of hands on his back and just like that, he wasn’t able to keep his footing. Instead, he stumbled forward and was inches from her. 

He swallowed and let out an uncomfortable laugh. “Hey. They’re still massive childish assholes, huh?” Throwing his finger over his shoulder toward his friends who were completely focused on other things now that they had caused this interaction. “I can...I can go...if you want me to.” His hand was back in his hair, a nervous habit. He didn’t want go. 

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

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It had been a long day, and going out didn’t exactly make the top of Willow’s to-do list. Hunkering down on the couch with a warm blanket, a good book, and her dog… those all made the list, but going out… that didn’t even rank. And while Jess didn’t outright say that she was mad about being blown off, again, for a night in with her dog, Willow could tell that she was getting there. So, when she saw the text reading “just one drink,” Willow sighed, giving Ziggy a gentle scratch behind the ears. “She’s more stubborn than you can be, Zig,” she murmured before texting her friend back. So with that, she readied herself to go out for “just one drink” though, she knew better than to think it would be just one.

What she hadn’t readied herself for was the face of her ex in amongst the crowd of familiar faces as she walked into the bar. Seeing his old friends wasn’t that unusual, in fact, she’d half expected it, once she finally agreed to Jess’s pleading — hell, if she was honest with herself, it was probably why Jess had been pleading; Willow was pretty certain Jess had had a thing for at least one of the guys since they’d all gone to high school together, back in the day — but she didn’t expect to see him. It took everything in her power not to freeze in the entryway to the bar as her eyes landed on him, hit with everything that happened four years ago as if it just happened the night before. She’d had to give him up. It was for her sanity, sure, but it was for him to be able to do what he wanted to do, too. She was struggling with the distance, and he was too ready to give it all up for her. Willow couldn’t live with him making that sacrifice. She loved him too much for that. She hadn’t gone to see him to say goodbye. It’s just what wound up happening.

A tug at her sleeve pulled her back into the moment, and she forced herself to look away from him and at Jess, who was saying something about getting a drink. Did she not see him, and was just on her usual mission, or had she seen him, and knew exactly how bad Willow was feeling the need to throw back a shot of something for fear of hightailing it out of the bar?

Before Willow had a chance to decide which was Jess’s motivation, she realized she was being dragged in August’s direction, rather than the bar. If he hadn’t seen her, there was no hiding now, as Jess practically positioned her directly in front of him. They were all silent. Offering a slow, awkward smile to his friends, first, she blew out a silent breath as she turned her attention back to August.

“Hey, Auggie,” the nickname fell from her lips before she could stop herself, “When did you get back?” It was hard not to sound awkward, forced… but this wasn’t how she imagined things going down if or when she saw him again. She thought she would have had some heads up, and not just been blindsided by the encounter, and she certainly didn’t expect to be surrounded by people from her past who were watching the situation awkwardly. Instead, she was stood there, unsure if the urge to hug him was the right thing, and fighting it, because there were too many eyes on them.

He hadn’t realized it until she said Auggie, that he had been holding his breath. For some reason, he had expected his full name to fall from her lips. His friends had been calling him Auggie the last 2 weeks but it never held that feeling. She probably hadn’t even meant to do it, but shit, his heart had snapped. This was already far worse than he had ever even remotely imagined it would be. And August had never been a man very capable of hiding how he felt. Everyone was staring at them, their eyes flitting back and forth between each of the two as if they were expecting some big ah-ha moment. His hand went to ruffle his own hair on the back side of his head, “I, ah, it’s been a couple of weeks now. Been getting settled...” I wanted to text you. I almost did a dozen times...He shifted in his chair and pulled his glass closer to him on the table. 

Thankfully, one of his friends swooped in, apparently too uncomfortable with the tension in the air to let it continue. “We had to literally drag this buzzkill out of his apartment with his dog whimpering the entire time. He fought us the whole way. Shots?” Justin waved a server down and slipped a $20 bill onto the tray she was carrying. August, though, hadn’t been able to take his eyes off of Willow. He felt Asher’s foot connect with his ankle and he winced and then shoved his own elbow into his friend’s side. 

“Dick.” “Pathetic.”

His friends, while good human beings, were assholes. Most of them were the mid-twenty somethings that people of their parent’s generation complained about -- still living in their parents basements or in a long-term rental frat house with a futon despite the fact that they hadn’t been in college in over three years. Good people, worked good jobs, but just not interested in doing anything more. They were trying but they enjoyed where they were at the same time.

August cleared his throat and lifted his beer to take a sip. Two swigs later, he was looking at her again, and then he nodded to Jess. “Hey, Jessie.” This group was the group back in the day. Instead of the bar, it was the cafe down the street or someone’s parent’s barn with a few 40 packs and a few handles. The number of nights he had woken up in a pile of blankets thrown into the hay surrounded by his friends, and often times, Willow, was so high that he couldn’t even begin to ballpark it.

Hopefully, tonight would be a few drinks more with everyone and then he could call himself a ride home. Hell, at this point, he’d even walk. Not because he didn’t want to be near her; God, that was not it. He wanted to be closer to her and he knew that wasn’t appropriate. He wasn’t supposed to still feel like this. It had been four years. Four. Years. But the longer he stayed in her presence, the more difficult it was getting to remind himself that he couldn’t just reach out grab her hand or put his arm around her waist...

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

August had been gone for over 4 years, at this point, but Devils Point was his home. He had grown up here, gotten his fits job, his first car, his first girlfriend, here. This was where he belonged. When his older sister had casually mentioned another veterinarian retiring from the practice, he couldn’t help asking for more details. The second that Anya had figured out he was interested in the position, she had basically given him the job over the phone that afternoon. Following a more formal interview process, August had been hired and given a start date a couple of weeks out. The vet he was replacing was slowly phasing out of the practice and wanted some time to say goodbye to his long-time clients, which was completely understandable. 

He had broken the lease at his condo complex and paid the hefty fee to do it but it was going to be worth it in the long run. For starters, a two-bedroom apartment in Devils Point was more than half as cheap as it was in Boulder, where he had been working for the last six months. On top of the fact that his sister and father were in town, too. Plus, he had yet to meet the police officer his sister had been with for a while now. He hadn’t come down when she had gotten into the car accident a couple of months back but he had FaceTimed her nearly every day for a few weeks just to check in. Despite being the younger of the two, August still felt a need to protect his sister. It sort of came with the territory when you had a sister as nice, some may say naive, as Anya. 

His hands were gripping the steering wheel of his Chevy Traverse as if he was worried the wheel might pop right off for some reason. It wasn’t until his fingers were going numb that he even realized how tightly he was holding onto the wheel. While there were plenty of things to be excited about in moving back home, there was one thing sitting heavily on his chest, and not necessarily in a bad way. Just sitting there, weighting on him.

He squeezed the steering wheel again, trying to take in a deep breath. It had been years since he had even laid eyes on her. He had seen her on social media - a photo here, a news article there - but he hadn’t seen her 1,273 days. August 19. It had been four years ago, on August 19.

“I know, I know. I just...I can’t just let you go like this. It’s not fair. We’ve worked together at this for too long to just...I fucking love you. You know have to know that. Please tell me you know that.”

Not that he was counting. He really wasn’t; but the math wasn’t that difficult when he knew the last day he had seen her. The last night he had run his hand through her hair and rested his hand on the nape of her neck as he kissed her goodnight. He could almost feel her lips on his --

*beep*

August swerved out of oncoming traffic and slammed his palms against the steering wheel. “Shit!” Apparently, at some point, he had closed his eyes and drifted into traffic. He tried to settle his heart back into his chest from his throat and turned the music down in the process. He wasn’t even halfway home and he was already loosing it.

“You know I’ll always love you, Willow wind...right? Don’t ever forget that.”

--

He had been home for almost two weeks and had somehow managed to not see Willow. It hadn’t been easy, he was sure. He went straight to work and straight home. Anya had accused him of avoiding her and he had shook it off, swearing that wasn’t it. He wasn’t even trying to protect Willow; he knew she was strong enough to see him. He was protecting himself. He had nearly gotten himself killed on the way home just because had been thinking about her. His friends from high school hadn’t been able to get him out on a Friday night in two weeks so he hadn’t been surprised when the all showed up at his new place and basically dragged him from inside, much to his dog’s dismay. Taco had barked, whimpered, and then given up at trying to be a part of the fun. She had curled up on her dog bed and watched as August had wrestled with his friends, only to be shoved into a car and driven off.

Three hours later, he had forgotten the reason he hadn’t gone out until now, well, not forgotten. He just wasn’t expecting her to walk through the door. He was laughing, drinking, and every once in a while, yelling. The bartender was one of their old friends so the drinks just kept coming. He knew they were racking up a serious bill but they hadn’t done this in years. He had just passed his practical six months ago and gotten his license. He hadn’t done this when he passed his exam so he was doing it now. “Ay, listen, you are all just jealous that I’ve --” but he was cut off by a cacophony of boo’s from his friends as they all lifted a shot into the air. August followed, his head cloudy with the alcohol they had been drinking. 

“Cheers!” He threw back the shot, slammed the glass back to the table, and then his eyes settled. When they did, the silence in the room was palpable; all his friends must have seen her, too. His heart was in his throat and he was now painfully obvious to him that he hadn’t had dinner before he had gotten dragged from his apartment. 

“Willow.”

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

a literall ball of sunshine

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

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Sitting there, holding her close, his feelings for Anya confessed, Logan felt a relief he hadn’t since he’d heard the call over the radio. Even when she seemed to ask for confirmation, he still couldn’t help but feel it. “Yeah,” he echoed with a laugh, his fingers rubbing against her jaw. He was about to pull her into him, about to kiss her again, when he heard the voices of the nurses enter the room. He nearly groaned, his hands falling away from her face, pulling away to give her some space.

Anya’s hand caught his, though, and he smiled, squeezing it back. “I’m not going anywhere, not until you ask me to, okay?” he promised, much as he had hours before. “I’m just trying to give them a little room to make sure you’re okay,” he offered her his most reassuring smile as his fingers slid between hers, his head dipping down slightly as he pulled her hand gently upwards, kissing the back of it, then settling it back down between them.

With some reluctance, he drew his eyes away from Anya, looking towards one of the nurses. “Does the temporary memory loss just mean that she had a concussion, that the swelling is down now?” he asked, hoping to get more answers than the doctors had provided – the nurses always seemed better at answering his questions than the doctors did, anyway. “Does it mean she can go home?” He tried not to sound overeager. He’d rather her stay in the hospital longer, if that was what they felt was best, but the idea of her out of the hospital was certainly preferred.

Yeah. One small, simply word and her heart had never been this light, and that was saying something coming from a woman who often got emotional over the small things. Seeing birds sustain flight after a broken wing nearly made her cry; the Starbucks barista saying her hair looked fantastic made her day. Anya was a woman who reveled in the little things. But this moment was no little thing. This was a shift - a moment in their relationship that really changed things, for the better. They had been in such a good place and now, everything was just elevated.

His reassurance did it’s job as she settled back against the pillows, letting the two women check the things they needed to check. His lips against the back of her hand calmed her down even more as she watched one of the nurses started to move a few things around. “Thank you...” She was going to bake him so many pies. Or cakes. Or cookies. She was never going to be able to say thank you enough for this. While she knew the small pieces of when she was brought in yesterday, the details were fuzzy. She didn’t really remember the “last” thing she did before losing her memories. It was all just sort of here and there. She could probably remember certain events from the week prior if asked details, but providing details of her last memory would yield no results.

“We’ll be able to figure that out soon, Officer Fink...” The nurse who had suggested he eat something began, but she was cut off by the other.

“We’ll need to ask a few questions, call the doctor in...he’s been paged.” Turning her attention to Anya, she lifted a small light to her eyes. “Try not to blink, okay, dear? Look straight ahead...” Anya listened, blinking a few times in rapid succession before managing to squint. “Can you tell me your full name, date of birth, and what you had for dinner two nights ago?”

“Anya Marie Kowalczyk. March 11, 1989. And...honestly, I don’t remember what I had for dinner two nights ago and I normally would recall that sort of thing with painstaking detail...but I remember Logan.” She glanced over to him, her lips pressed together with a sad smile, “which I know was cause for concern earlier...when I...didn’t.”

"Well, that is a positive sign...you don’t remember early this morning when you woke up the first time?” Anya simply shook her head, her hand instinctively tightening against Logan’s. “I don’t want to cause any undo stress but I know waiting can be difficult. Unofficially,” Anya nodded, thankful for anything the nurse could give her insight wise, “it seems like it might be a combination of retrograde and anterograde amnesia. Bits of your memory from prior to the accident aren’t whole and you didn’t hold onto the new events from waking. It’s fairly unique but not unheard of.”

Anya felt a deja vu sort of feeling wash over her but she couldn’t quite figure out why. It was making her arms buzz with an anticipation she was uncomfortable with and her chest started wiring shut again. Her eyes welded with tears and she tried to blink them away only they were falling faster than she could keep up with. “That’ll...stop...right? I’ll remember now?” What if she didn’t remember it -- what if she forgot that she had just said I love you to him? What if she forgot he had said it back?

003. angst for containment breaks

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

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He was just… tired, he tried to tell himself. It’d been too long since he’d last slept, too long since he last ate, and it was wearing on his nerves. That’s why as he sat there, relieved by the fact that she remembered him, and seemed so entirely herself, that he was overcome with the feeling that he’d nearly lost her. That’s what he tried to tell himself, at least. Maybe it was true. Maybe it was just an attempt to rationalize the feelings that were playing havoc with his emotions. It didn’t matter, whatever it was. He just tried to ignore the feeling that had him shaking, the one that had his chest clenched tight, trying to rob him of breath, the fear that was just beneath the surface of his relief that she was okay, that she remembered him.

Feeling Anya there, her fingers against the rough stubble that coated his cheeks, her forehead against his, and her breath mingling with his, he was able to relax some at her words. His eyes opening, he moved his hands to take her face within them, sighing out a breath. “I know you are… I know,” he said, but he wasn’t sure if he was reassuring her or himself that he knew that she was okay and there.

It was her lips against his skin, her saying his name again, that finally had the tightness in his chest releasing, relief actually settling in, but at the words that followed, he couldn’t help the smile that spread wide across his face. “You know, you don’t have to say that just because I’m a wreck by your hospital bed,” he teased, more himself than her, before he shifted to pull her gently to him, his lips pressing against hers. “That is, to say, I love you, too,” he said quietly as he pulled back, as if he hadn’t interrupted himself by kissing her, moving to rest his forehead gently against hers.

Goodness, did her heart ache for him, for whatever she had put him through to get him to this point. She wasn’t sure she could even remember a time that Logan had ever seemed this vulnerable in front of her. Gentle, yes, he was a gentle human being, but vulnerable? He was usually so well composed, so prepared. She had rocked the boat and sent him somewhere where she had not been able to help, until now. 

And then, oh, that smile. It repaired any faults and fears that lingered in her chest. That smile could have ended the Trojan War. Her smile mirrored his and though it hurt, just a tad, she couldn’t stop smiling. She has just started to respond to his first statement when his lips met hers and she melted into him. 

When he pulled back, she braced herself for the worst, though why, she had no idea. That reaction seemed very  And then, he said it back. A fuzzy electricity buzzed through her system and she felt tears welding in her eyes. “Yeah?”

With his forehead against hers, she was able to take three, slow breaths, just taking in the moment. She wanted to remember the way his hands were on her, the way his scruff felt against her fingers, the way he was smiling at her. All of it.  Every single bit of it. 

Her focus was pulled from the moment, but not Logan as the door to her room opened and two nurses moved into the room, both calling orders and codes and things Anya didn’t understand. She was still smiling as one pulled the IV machine to the right a bit further from the bed. She shifted with them but moved her hand to squeeze Logan’s. “Don’t go.”

“Honey, we need to check a few of the...”

“Please don’t make him move.” She was holding his hand tighter now, reminiscent of only a few hours ago, looking toward the nurse who had just spoken. The look on her face must have done the trick because all the nurse did was nod and start writing down numbers from one of the machines. 

“Alright...well...you’re father did warn us...we’ll make it work.”

003. angst for containment breaks

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

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Logan had to sit back down, but he didn’t stop himself from sinking down on the edge of her bed instead of the chair he had abandoned as he got her water. “You… you got in an accident,” he said slowly, still fighting to keep his voice even, trying to keep how overwhelmed with emotion he was – it wasn’t working though. His voice and his hand shook as it moved to cup her cheek as it had before. “You couldn’t remember… the last thing you remembered was leaving Alex,” he stated after a moment.

He slowly drew in a breath, nodding in agreement at her assessment, which her father confirmed, but then a laugh escaped him, causing him to shake his head as all his worry washed away, in one simple sentence. “I think they’ll be willing to give you time off to recover,” he assured her gently, a smile still gently spread across his lips.

Shifting, he pressed his lips to her forehead, letting out a sigh against her skin. “You scared me, so badly,” he admitted, his voice gentle as he did so. “It wasn’t just that you’d forgotten… it was… all of it. I was heading home when I heard the call on the radio…” His eyes were squeezed shut as he sat there as close as he could get without wrapping his arms around her, for fear of hurting her. He was sure that once she was out of the hospital, and he was back at work, he was going to be reprimanded, on some level, for more or less taking charge of a scene that he shouldn’t have been at, in the first place, but he didn’t care, he couldn’t care. It was Anya. He had to.

When Logan lowered himself onto the edge of her bed and started explaining the events that had gotten her to where she was now, the quiver in his voice caused her heart to drop into her stomach. She watched as his hand wobbled on its way to her cheek and she moved her own hand to rest over it. Her eyes scanned his face, the rest of his body, desperate for an explanation for his obvious unease. And off to the side, without any provocation, her father stood up and excused himself, "going to grab some honest herbal tea for everyone...seems we all need a calming aura right now.” Now that she was really okay, and seemed to have more of her memory back, AJ felt comfortable stepping out to give them some privacy, and perhaps to let a nurse know she was awake.

Anya smiled softly to Logan at her father’s statement as she refocused on him but her smile immediately faded when he said Alex’s name. “No...” That part of her life was over - long over. Why on Earth would she had even uttered Alex’s name in this situation. Logan was clearly distressed, which she was the cause of, and then she had added insult to injury and not remembered his name but remembered Alex? She felt her chest tightening as he pressed his lips to her forehead.

When he said that she had scared him, she let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding in her chest in the first place. Anya reached out, her fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt as his eyes pressed shut. The distress in his actions was breaking her heart in a way she had never thought possible. She’d never felt this type of tension in her chest before but she knew she had to try to help him. “Logan...” she reached forward and this time, it was her hand that cupped his face. Her soft fingers ran against the stubble on his cheek, her thumb moving back and forth as she spoke, “Logan, I’m okay...I’m right here.” Her forehead rested gently against his and hoped that she could assure him things were going to be alright; she’d be out of this bed before either of them knew it. 

She wanted to do more, say more, but what else could she say to help ease the discomfort he had been feeling the entire time he had been sitting here? How long had it even been? All she wanted to do was make him happy, to east the discomfort and diminish the stress he had been under. “Hey...” She shifted slightly so she could brush a soft kiss across the bridge of his nose, a smile she couldn’t stop quickly following it. That was it. That was why she felt like this. That was why she was so concerned with how he felt and why she just wanted him to be happy. “Logan...”

“...I love you.”

003. angst for containment breaks

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

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He knew that Anya would have felt embarrassed by her father’s chosen topics of conversations. Hell, Logan could practically hear her voice, chastising the man when he began to debate CBD oil versus marijuana. If he was honest, it made Logan enjoy the conversations a little more, as did the surprise he read in the older gentleman (though maybe he was misreading him), when he didn’t outright argue against either, stating simply that they had their merits. He did, however, make mental note of AJ’s take on coconut versus almond oil, for future reference, but as they fell back to silence, he was honestly grateful, if only because it offered him opportunity to attempt to rest, again… not that he slept. Logan didn’t allow himself, in spite of how tired he was. After sending a text to a mutual friend, asking for them to check in on Jack Jack and bring in Yoshi, he sat his watch diligently; and while his eyelids were at half-mast, he rested, but never truly slept. It was enough to keep him from feeling completely on edge, but it wasn’t enough to keep him form feeling entirely exhausted.

It wasn’t until the nurse came in that the silence broke. Her not-so-subtle recommendation that he eat the food if Anya didn’t wake wasn’t missed on him, and after a half hour, when Anya showed no signs of waking, he took a corner of the sandwich before offering the rest to AJ. “You should eat, too,” he stated, simply, as if his quarter of the sandwich was enough to sustain his primarily empty stomach, but he wasn’t sure he could really eat more than that and keep it down.

It was only when Anya woke, again, that he took a deep breath that he hadn’t taken since she’d fallen asleep. As she shifted and swore, Logan couldn’t help but let out a quiet chuckle, not at her pain, but at the mild curse that fell from her lips. At the request for water, he immediately reached for the pitcher and cup on the tray holder, and was handing it to her before realization dawned. “What did you…? I never… I never told you my name, in all the chaos, no one said I was ‘Logan’,” his voice shook as he spoke. Every part of him screamed to pull her into his arms, to hug her and kiss her, but he was trying to hold off his excitement. “Do you remember what happened, yesterday?”

Anya watched through squinted eyes as Logan poured her the cup of water from the small pitcher on the tray. There was half a second that it seemed like he might drop it, but he gathered it back in his hands and steadily offered it to her. She tilted her head slightly as she accepted the cup, glancing back to her father, who seemed just as anxious to hear the answer she had to his question. “What are you...” Her brow was furrowed again, utter confusion written all over her face. “Why would you have to tell me your name? How could I forget that?” It was almost upsetting that he would think she could ever forget him.

It all seemed quite strange to her, that he would even ask her if she remembered what happened yes--but as she tried to pull at her memories, she kept coming up blank. She glanced from Logan to her father and back again, a few times. “I...” She pushed to sit all the way up, bringing the cup of water to her lips as she tried to process the fact that she couldn’t answer the question. “I don’t...have an answer? Is that why I’m here...?” Another sip, this time, her hands slightly more shaky as she realized there was an IV in each arm. “What...what happened?”

She took a deep breath, slowly, trying to assess the pain where it was centered. Her chest seemed the worst, followed by the pain in her head. She reached up and felt the edge of a large piece of gauze that seemed wrapped around her forehead and behind the back of her head, but she honestly didn’t know what it was covering. That was, until her fingers made contact with the right side of her head, near where her ear met her head. “Ow. Did I break anything? I’m guessing at least a handful of ribs with how my chest feels right now...” She was on a bit of a roll, not really waiting for an answer before she asked another question; she had so many thoughts careening through her head that settling on one and waiting for an answer was difficult, to say the least.

Her father winced, “at least a few...” Anya tried to keep herself from groaning but a small one escaped. “This is going to make work so much more difficult...I hope I can still keep up with the puppies in the adoption bay...”

003. angst for containment breaks

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

100% true facts about the signs

Aries: has way too many cups/water bottles in their room

Taurus: is always a slut for Doritos

Gemini: sucks at math

Cancer: daydreams about living with their crush every night

Leo: spends all their money on food

Virgo: is quiet but secretly a kinky freak

Libra: has an amazing ass

Scorpio: really wants to adopt 5 dogs

Sagittarius: is stressed 24/7 but pretends to be chill to maintain their aesthetic

Capricorn: has the worst memory ever

Aquarius: believes in aliens

Pisces: likes to preform dramatic music videos to songs whilst alone or drunk

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

archwxy‌:

All Logan could do, in those moments, was hope that she would know she was safe, and that she’d manage to calm herself down, whether by her own volition, or what. Whatever it was, Anya seemed to calm down, some, and he felt a tightness in his chest that he hadn’t realized was there relax some. His fingers moved to brush away the last of her tears from her cheek, and as she closed her eyes, he realized it was taking everything he had in him not to simply lean forward and kiss her forehead or cheek.

Instead, he let out a quiet sigh, shifting to pull in the chair that was behind him as close to the bed as he could, letting her keep her grip on his hand as he sat beside her, his free hand gently stroking her hair once again. It was only once she seemed to be relaxed enough to be asleep – maybe a minute, tops, though it felt like forever – he drew his eyes away from Anya to look at AJ as he spoke.

He stared at AJ for what felt like as long as he had watched Anya, though he knew, on some level, that it wasn’t nearly as long. Logan simply couldn’t understand why he was being thanked, and he hopped that something would click in him, despite how emotionally and physically exhausted he was.. “There’s absolutely nothing to thank me for, sir. This is the only place for me to be,” he spoke softly, his head moving in the same simple nod that AJ had given him. A sad smile curled his lips as he let out another quiet sigh.

What had happened to her was bad enough; he couldn’t imagine anything worse happening to her – this felt like it was hard enough; if he’d lost her? He didn’t know how people survived that. He wasn’t sure he would have. Everything he’d done was… well, he didn’t know what it was, but it was what had to be done, because he didn’t know what else there was to do. He couldn’t very well be anywhere else, even if it meant that he’d been up for more than twenty-four hours, at this point, or that he’d have to get someone to take care of Yoshi… and Jack Jack… and bring Yoshi in for him, because he’d promised he’d get her here for Anya, and he had no more intention of backing out of that promise than he did in leaving her side.

In the hours that followed, AJ went on quite a few tangents that Anya would have most certainly covered her face in embarrassment about - aliens, CBD oil versus marijuana, area 51, coconut oil versus almond oil for cooking. It had been his attempt to redirect any uncomfortable or anxious feelings for the pair of them, but in the end, he had decided that the quiet was probably best as Anya shifted under the blanket each time he seemed to get too into one topic.

When the nurse came into the room for lunch time checkin, she brought a plate of food with her and set it in front of Logan, on the tray holder. “I know it’s not much, but if she doesn’t wake up to eat it, I’ll have to toss it...” A very not so subtle hint that he should eat something -- she had been there in the early evening when Anya had been brought in; she had at least had a chance to go home and rest. Logan, well...

Another hour passed with little movement from Anya, but then, just as before, her blue eyes fluttered open and the entire room came into focus. Logan, first, then, her father. She exhaled heavily and moved her feet to shift into a halfway sitting position. As she continued to push herself up, she realized that each exertion of energy caused a rippling strip of pain to split down her chest and sides.

“Mmm...ow...Crap.” The word sound strange coming from her, but it was a reflection of the pain that seemed quite insistent on being in the way. The light in the room was bright, too bright. Her head was thumping, a feeling definitively different than pounding. It was sporadic and left her feeling off-kilter. And she was thirty; despite the machines connected to her, she hadn’t consumed any liquid on her own in nearly 24 hours. “Logan...can I...have some water?” She was upright now, her hand against the left side of her head, resting on her temple.

003. angst for containment breaks

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

archwxy‌:

Every time Anya seemed to be wracked with another bout of emotion, unable to catch her breath, or unable to control her tears, it felt like Logan’s heart was breaking for her just a little more. He was tired – he hadn’t gotten an ounce of sleep, though he’d done his best to rest by her side while she was unconscious – and hanging on by a thread, and every time, he felt that much closer to joining her in tears. He’d managed to keep himself composed, but he wouldn’t be surprised if, after too much longer, he wouldn’t be able to.

As much as she was clinging to him, Logan was certain he was clinging to her, too. He knew she was finding some level of comfort in it, or at least, she seemed to be, but he was, too. Anya might not remember him, at this moment, but she still seemed to trust him, intrinsically; he hoped that it meant that on some level, there was some part of her that remembered him. Still, it was all so hard, and with her crying, and struggling, simply holding her hands within his own, it didn’t feel like enough. Especially when her grip seemed to tighten and she asked him not to go.

Shifting, he slid off the bed, but only so he could put his face near hers without lying down beside her. The hand that wasn’t clasped within hers found her hair, stroking it gently as his eyes focused in on hers. “I know you will. It’s okay that you don’t, right now. It’s okay, you’re going to be fine,” he whispered, though his voice held his resolve within it as his hand slid to cup her cheek again. It was the closest he’d gotten to her since before the accident, and if he was honest, he wasn’t sure how it would go over with her father standing right there, but he needed her to see and hear him. “I’m here, okay. Whatever you need, I’m here, and I’ll always be here. Just try and breathe, okay? Just breathe and get some rest…”

He made sure to repeat AJ’s request for her to get some rest, because while all of Logan’s attention may have been focused on Anya, he had heard it, and he agreed that it might help. He hoped that it might help, and he hoped that having it come from not just her father, but from him, as well, might get her to give into the idea.

Anya had always been someone who trusted those unless they gave her a reason not to. As a child, it had been slightly scary to let her go out on her own as she would talk to nearly anyone about various animal facts or nature poems who gave her an opportunity. As an adult, it just made her kind. She tried to approach everyone she met with a smile and a soft heart. The man next to her was no different, but something felt different with him. The way he was holding her hands and brushing her cheek, it meant something and despite not being able to remember it, she clung to it. That feeling was going to get her through; it was going to get her to remember.

She blinked through the tears as his hand rested on top of her head, stroking her hair gently. His eyes were on hers in that moment and the tightness in her chest seemed to loosen. She tried to take slower breaths, allowing her lungs to fill completely before she exhaled. The anxiety she had been feeling slowed to a halt and she felt a warmth crawling into her chest that she couldn’t explain. It felt like he was willing her to calm down and somehow, by what magic she had no idea, it was working. 

I’ll always be here. Those words solidified in her head, forever held in the reserves of her memory. She nodded slowly, her head against the pillow. “Thank..you...” Her breathing had slowed over the last 30 seconds, more even with fewer gasps. It was then that her eyes fluttered shut, the last of her tears hitting the pillow. No longer really awake, she nuzzled into the pillow, her chin coming to rest on the one hand he still had in hers.

AJ nodded, frowning as he did. His eyes lingered on Anya, making sure she didn’t stir or jolt awake as soon as she had fallen asleep like she had as a child. After a minute had passed, he glanced to Logan and nodded once. “Thank you. For everything today.” What else was there to say? That thank you encompassed more than just the current moment; it was for the last 6 months that his daughter had come over to his place smiling; it was for those little things that AJ had seen her happy about before that she was now elated about. Always a happy woman, Anya was not hard to please, but even AJ could tell that with Logan, there was something special happening. And that was all a father could ever want for his daughter. 

003. angst for containment breaks

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

the sign's reaction to their partners saying "i love you" too soom

feels forced to say it back:

Cancer, Capricorn, Gemini

doesn't say anything at all:

Scorpio, Virgo, Aries

"BITCH HOP OUT HERE WIT YO LOVIN ASS GIVE ME TIME... please":

Sagittarius, Taurus, Aquarius

probably the one saying I love you:

Pisces, Libra, Leo

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

i wrote this for you // pleasefindthis

aries: “i made myself from all the love you no longer wanted.”

taurus: “just like you mistook lust for love, you have mistaken with being alone for loneliness. so i'm fine. thanks for asking.”

gemini: “of course it’s complicated. if it wasn’t, i probably wouldn’t be interested in you.”

cancer: “this isn't me missing you. this is me missing the me i used to be.”

leo: “after you're gone, people will forget your name, no matter how important it was, and your face, no matter how pretty it was, and what you said, no matter how clever any of it sounded. the things you've done will crumble and fade and the places you once loved, will change and be given new names. you are only here for one moment and it lasts exactly one lifetime.”

virgo: “you took all my words when all i wanted to do was say them.”

libra: “i couldn’t convince you that the blue you see is the same blue that i see. But maybe that’s how lovers know they’re meant to love; they see the same blue. and they both know it.”

scorpio: “i could’ve sworn i was telling the truth when i told you i didn’t miss you.”

sagittarius: “you keep telling me to be glad for what we had while we had it. that the brightest flame burns quickest. which means you saw us as a candle. and i saw us as the sun.”

capricorn: “and every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling "this is important! and this is important! and this is important! you need to worry about this! and this! and this!" and each day, it's up to you, to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say "no. this is what's important.”

aquarius: “you had this expression on your face, like you weren’t quite sure you were supposed to be on earth.”

pisces: “be soft. do not let the world make you hard. do not let the pain make you hate. do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place”

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

archwxy‌:

Logan’s eyebrows furrowed as she apologized, shaking his head. “Please,” he sighed out, a gentle sound, trying to tell her that she had no need to apologize. He couldn’t say he was entirely surprised by the words falling from her lips, however. She would be lying there, apologizing, like she somehow had control over the situation, and by doing so, she tugged at his heartstrings, as she had so many times before. Somehow, while being at a complete loss, she was still just so… Anya. It left Logan trying to reconcile things, mentally, while trying to stave off any thoughts of what if, for some horrible reason, this wasn’t just temporary. What ifs would get him nowhere, and just leave him a terrible mess.

Any thoughts of what ifs, however, were gone with the increase in Anya’s tears. “Please,” the word left his lips again, though this time, more spilled past, “please don’t cry, Anya.” He nearly whispered the words as he shifted, squeezing her hand gently as he sat on the edge of her bed. He wanted, so badly, to pull her into his arms – to just hold her until the tears passed, until everything was back to how it should be – instead, he was left holding her hand, squeezing it back, and her cheek, his thumb trying its best to keep the tears from staining her cheeks, trying to sooth her as best he could without pushing or being overbearing.

Logan was so invested in trying to comfort Anya that he hadn’t heard her father enter the room until he spoke, at which point, his heart sank, immediately, to somewhere around his knees, or so he thought. He didn’t have to break the news, however, because Anya did it, succinctly, with one sentence, and he found that his heart had been somewhere in his belly, and it only sank lower. It wasn’t her fault. He knew she didn’t remember him, it was just… the pain in her voice as she expressed it. It seemed she wanted to remember him as badly as he hoped she would.

Logan found himself swallowing back the tears that were burning the back of his throat, blinking to clear his somewhat blurred vision before he turned his attention to her father as he suggested he leave. “With all due respect, sir… while I agree some sleep may do her some good, that’s not happening. I’m not leaving Anya’s side until she asks me to,” Logan finally said, his voice managing to come out more level than he anticipated, shaking his head.

Turning his attention back to Anya, the hand at his cheek moved to join the other at her hands, squeezing them gently. “I promise, you are free to ask me to leave, and I won’t go a moment before you do, okay?”

Anya had caught the tail end of his statement: Anya. Just her name, but that had sent her even further into her tears, unable to stop herself from being overwhelmed by the emotions in her system. Her father was trying, as he always did, to play the level headed, calm adult. The issue was, she wasn’t seven and this wasn’t about a bird that had passed away in the backyard. Anya was an adult herself now, an adult who couldn’t put two and two together.

All the while, her father was running his hand up and down her side, trying to make sure she could feel, with no doubt, that he was there, physically and mentally present. She had always given him a hard time about that; he might physically be in a space but if he wasn’t paying attention and focusing, he might as well be clear across the country. But not this morning, not when she couldn’t remember things she was very clearly desperate to remember.

All the while, Anya was simply laying there, crying. The last thing she wanted to do was attract unnecessary attention to herself but she simply couldn’t stop her breath from catching. Each time she drew in a breath, it felt like she immediately needed more air. Her body was simply responding appropriately: if she needed more air, she needed to take another breath.

Her father frowned as he watched Anya squeeze Logan’s hand harder, but the man across from his daughter worked to calm her down, as if was his only priority. Even when he turned to face him, Logan still managed to keep his hands near her so she wasn’t out in space, alone. But he seemed more grounded than AJ would have expected given the circumstances.

“Fair enough.”

The kid looked exhausted. While AJ had gotten about six hours of sleep, it was clear to him in this moment that Logan had not been so lucky, though to AJ, six hours was not something to be happy about. While her father didn’t notice that he seemed to be pushing away the feelings inside of him, he could still tell how much Logan cared; he’d been here all night and all morning; he’d gone through what AJ could only assume was hell with his daughter not remembering who he was, and yet, he was still here, supporting her and helping her the best he could. Anya was lucky to have found him and if AJ hadn’t already thought that, it was certainly cemented in his brain now.

Luckily, Anya wasn’t looking toward the man next to her, because had she been, she would have known something was wrong. She could hear him outright refuse to leave, unless she asked him to. And then refocused on her, both of his hands covering hers gently, assuring her that he was going to be at her side unless she asked otherwise. 

“Please...don’t....don’t...go...I’ll remember.” She was holding him tightly again, almost as if she was afraid he was going to disappear into thin air. If she could only hold on tight enough... “I will.”

“We know, Sunflower. In time...in time...close those eyes for me...try to rest up.” Her father hadn’t encroached on Logan’s space. He had managed to slide himself onto the foot of the bed and fold his legs into his lap, almost like a school aged child sitting for a story. One hand was resting on his own leg, the other, gently running up and down the bottom of Anya’s leg before he pulled back, dipping his head to Logan, the silent thank you ever present in the room.

003. angst for containment breaks

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

archwxy‌:

Watching her, he could see the tightness in her jaw, the physical manifestation of… what? Her frustration with not being able to remember? Stress from his closeness? He didn’t know what the right move was, wasn’t sure how to help her. But she rolled to her side to face him, and kept a hold of his hand, and that was enough to tell him that she wasn’t looking for him to back off, even if she couldn’t remember him. He tried not to sigh at the thought, because while it hurt, it wasn’t her fault; she’d be back to herself, and things would be back to normal, and she would remember, and the fact that she couldn’t remember him was not her fault.

“Marines, eight years,” he decided to answer her unasked question, his eyes dropping from her face to their hands. “You don’t have to hold back your questions,” he assured her; or at least, he tried to sound reassuring before shaking his head. “You shouldn’t feel stupid,” he said, and this time, he was pretty sure that his voice sounded more like he intended. “I can’t even… begin to imagine what you feel right now, other than pretty confused, and kind of scared,” he admitted, and this time, his sigh escaped as his thumb brushed gently over her cheek. “But there’s no reason to feel stupid.”

As he sat there, holding her as best he could without actually holding her – because if he was honest, all he wanted to do was climb onto the bed, beside her, and wrap his arms around her, comfort her as best he could, and assure her that everything was going to be just fine – he fought the urge to ask what was on her mind. He didn’t get an exact answer, but he got close enough when she started a question, but sort of let it fall off. His chest tightened, unsure of what to do – should he pull his hand from her cheek, his hand from hers? Logan couldn’t bring himself to do either. “Well, if my overworked ass hadn’t cancelled our initial blind date…” he tried to play it off lightly, even attempting a smile.

After a moment, though he shook his head, knowing any humor that he tried for was lacking in his voice. “We started talking about six months ago. I cancelled last minute, because I had to work. Two weeks later, I walked into the clinic with Yoshi. We started texting, again, that night, and I asked if I could make up our cancelled date to you.” There was a beat where he stopped talking, taking in a deep breath. “I didn’t mean to be…” the words fell off, because he wasn’t sure what he didn’t mean to be, “I’ve kind of just… been mostly working off of, and against, my instincts. I didn’t meant to force who I am on you, I guess, is what I’m trying to say. I’d hoped you would just… remember,” he admitted, another sigh falling past his lips before he could help it. “I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable.”

Anya was listening, she really was, to everything that the man next to her was saying. She willed herself, with every single fiber of her being, to remember him, to remember the details he was telling her that she surely already knew, somewhere deep inside the recesses of her brain that were currently closed off. All she had to do was kick start her memory, unlock one tiny closed circuit and it would all come rushing back, at least, that was what she hoped. He was trying so hard but not offering too much at once. She watched him as he spoke, noting the way his voice fluctuated, as if he was trying to make sure he kept his voice even for her. Had any man ever spent this much effort to make sure she was comfortable and felt safe? Perhaps only her father, and not often as diligently as the man next to her.

When his thumb brushed against her cheek, drying away the falling tears, she exhaled quickly, her head leaning into his hand for support. “I’m so sorry.” Only Anya Kowalczyk would be in a hospital bed after an accident apologizing to a man she didn’t even remember. Only Anya. The more he offered to her about their past, the harder she listened. He was relaying details and she hoped, desperately, that something would strike a match and burn down the gates. But nothing came. And suddenly, he was apologizing. And her tears were falling faster now. 

“No...I just...” She tried to speak through her soft tears, her eyes suddenly shut, but she couldn’t string more than two coherent words together. She was squeezing his hand now, both of her hands clutching the warmth of his hand. Her knuckles were starting to turn white under the pressure from her own hands.

“Ah, Anya. everything seems all sunny and...Sunflower...”

Anya’s eyes flew open as the melodic voice filled the room. Her hands were shaking against his as she shook her head. “Daddy...I...”

The blonde man stepped forward, resting his hand on Anya’s side, through her layers of blankets. “It’s okay...”

“I...I don’t...remember him or anything. At all.” Anyone who overheard her would be able to tell, without a fraction of a doubt, that she was struggling to process the extent of her amnesia. But to Anya, it was more than that. It was processing the medical side of things but she was being drowned in emotions she couldn’t even name, all hitting her at once. The guilt was at the forefront, though. How could she forget someone that she had given her father’s phone number to? How could she forget the man she had been talking to for six months? The marine that had served eight years for this country and come back and found her, chosen her, over all of the other eligible women in Devil’s Point. 

Her father looked down to Logan and frowned. “I think it might be best if you go...she needs...” He trailed off, watching as Anya clung to Logan’s hand, though the tears still fell. “I’ll stay here with you...I think you just need some sleep...” 

Anya shook her head, pulling the man next to her closer, “no. I need...I need to...to..to remember.”

003. angst for containment breaks

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

character aesthetic: t h e  n a t u r e  e n t h u s i a s t

[dranyakowalczyk-blog]

the signs as actual quotes from my teachers

aries: 'illegal'?! you wanna play that game?!

taurus: my brother starred in a tamagotchi music video

gemini: if you say hello to me one more time you're getting a detention

cancer: your homework is to pray for the mets

leo: *in the middle of explaining a formula* i want to buy velociraptor statues and hide them in the bushes outside my house for security. or become a robber and see how many people do that.

virgo: go 'kinkshame' in there

libra: i like a good khaki now and then. put 'em on, am i dressed up?? am i dressed down?? i don't know!

scorpio: i don't headbang. i headbanged at my wedding and that's it. my son is a headbanger but he's only 2 so that doesn't count

sagittarius: there's a reasonable explanation as to why my tie was in that freezer!

capricorn: how many popes are there?!

aquarius: i've been told i look like know-it-all kid from the polar express

pisces: i talk to rocks